Letter to myself 10th August. I love you.

E

I love you.

I don’t know how to take your pain away. And I guess I don’t need to take your pain away. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be. I know you can’t hear me. I know you don’t believe me. I’ll keep telling you until you know it. You are allowed to exist. You have a right to exist. To feel. To think. To be.

I love you E. I love you through all the ups and all the downs.
I love you as you question yourself.
I love you as you know you’re defective.
I love you with all the unworthiness you feel.
I love you with the guilt.
I love you with the shame.
I love you. Just because you are.
Every moment of every day I love you.
And every moment of every day I will love you
I will love you as you destroy yourself.
I will love you as you self sabotage.
I will love you as you shatter pieces.
I will love you as you rebuild.
I will love you as you learn to feel.
I will love you as you learn to accept.
I will love you as you learn to trust.
I will love you through the good.
I will love you through the bad.
I will love you through the negative.
I will love you through the positive.

It will hurt E. It does hurt. Living hurts. Being hurts. And there is nothing I can do to take away the pain. I can, and will, always be with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be with you as you do your best to push me away. You won’t be able to get rid of me for I’m you. Unless you kill yourself that is. And even though you don’t believe it, you are worth more than death.

You will get there E. I promise you that. You will get there. I don’t know why it hurts so much when you’re not eating and you’re using cocodamol (which should stop it hurting). I guess you’re beginning to feel. Which is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I love you E. And I’m with you.

I don’t know who to tell you to trust. For I don’t know who is trustworthy. But, trust yourself. For you have all the answers.

You are beautiful.
You are worth it.
You are enough.
You don’t have to do anything to deserve existence.
You don’t have to do anything to be good enough.
You just are. And you are enough just as you.

I’m with you.

Always and forever

E

Sunday Sunshine – What makes us different?

I just watched this awesome video from Brielle. An 8 year old girl (SG you’ll love her) who shares her thoughts on our differences.

I’m not sure to insert a link that will play the video here.

Enjoy it! And let’s celebrate our similarities. Rather than be afraid of inane differences.

You are awesome and beautiful just the way you are.

Love, light, and glitter

Do you think I should title these posts Sunday Sunshine or Sunday Smiles? Or Sunday Sunshine and Sparkles. Or Sunday Sparkles is another option too, come to think of it.

How do you identify yourself?

Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.

There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.

A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.

What do I choose to identify with?

So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.

So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.

On the other hand is the rest of my life.

I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.

I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.

I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!

I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.

I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.

I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.

I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.

I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.

My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.

I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.

What do I identify with???

I get to choose.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.

So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.

Life is always a mixture.

Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.

There really and truly is so much good in my world.

What am I choosing to identify with?

I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.

I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.

I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.

I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard

I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.

I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.

What do I identify myself with?

I get to choose. I choose the good things.

What do you identify with?

This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).