Random.

Today was a calmer day. Used less cocodamol. Swept a bit the mess I made last night with what I did. Ate too much (for what I feel I should eat. Honestly I’m also grateful I ate more than I wanted to). Not sure how come I’ve used less but I did. Tried to get through to my GP but didn’t manage to – he wasn’t in. I told the secretary I think it’s negligent of him. She didn’t disagree with me (she was drained by my persistence, I think I drove her a bit mad, and there wasn’t anything she could even do but I’m glad she understood me at the end and agreed with me). Even though it’s nearly 3am and I should be sleeping. I’m grateful I didn’t freak out at all today. I’m grateful for all of you who’ve been here – I didn’t expect it and really appreciate it. I’m grateful for E’s email today checking up on me. I hadn’t even told her about last night- she can’t handle me telling her what I’m doing to myself and knowing there is nothing she can do. Grateful for TCs minute phone call to say hi. Tried to find people in ACA who have real recovery, not just newcomers. Going to look on instagram tomorrow. Hoping it’s not as hot. Heat exacerbates dizziness. As does not enough food. I rather not be dizzy. Looking forward to course starting Thursday. Theoretically it’s tomorrow.

Today had responsibility given to me, that I felt I had to take, that wasn’t mine. Is in no way mine. Took 3 hours of my time. It’s a perfect example to bring to someone and ask them what exactly my responsibility is. There are 2 people I would ask to discuss it with. Really I’d ask them if they knew who I could and hope they’d say themselves. But both of them are people I need advice from about my life. Who after I speak to my GP – is that ever going to happen – I want to run what he says by them and ask them for their advice. So I don’t want to use them now as I won’t be able to then. Actually that is even factual not just about me thinking I’m using them.

Love, light and glitter

Letter to myself 10th August. I love you.

E

I love you.

I don’t know how to take your pain away. And I guess I don’t need to take your pain away. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be. I know you can’t hear me. I know you don’t believe me. I’ll keep telling you until you know it. You are allowed to exist. You have a right to exist. To feel. To think. To be.

I love you E. I love you through all the ups and all the downs.
I love you as you question yourself.
I love you as you know you’re defective.
I love you with all the unworthiness you feel.
I love you with the guilt.
I love you with the shame.
I love you. Just because you are.
Every moment of every day I love you.
And every moment of every day I will love you
I will love you as you destroy yourself.
I will love you as you self sabotage.
I will love you as you shatter pieces.
I will love you as you rebuild.
I will love you as you learn to feel.
I will love you as you learn to accept.
I will love you as you learn to trust.
I will love you through the good.
I will love you through the bad.
I will love you through the negative.
I will love you through the positive.

It will hurt E. It does hurt. Living hurts. Being hurts. And there is nothing I can do to take away the pain. I can, and will, always be with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be with you as you do your best to push me away. You won’t be able to get rid of me for I’m you. Unless you kill yourself that is. And even though you don’t believe it, you are worth more than death.

You will get there E. I promise you that. You will get there. I don’t know why it hurts so much when you’re not eating and you’re using cocodamol (which should stop it hurting). I guess you’re beginning to feel. Which is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I love you E. And I’m with you.

I don’t know who to tell you to trust. For I don’t know who is trustworthy. But, trust yourself. For you have all the answers.

You are beautiful.
You are worth it.
You are enough.
You don’t have to do anything to deserve existence.
You don’t have to do anything to be good enough.
You just are. And you are enough just as you.

I’m with you.

Always and forever

E

Today’s thoughts/update

This is more of an update for myself.

I want to figure out a way forward. I don’t know what that looks like or would look like.

I am still using. Living with ED. I don’t count SH for it’s not constant but random so in my mind I’m not. Also because if it doesn’t blister I didn’t do anything. But they aren’t taking over my world anymore. Last night felt like hell on earth. But today was really okay, which I’m grateful for. Also grateful that wasn’t sick today even though I definitely used way way too much. I slept. And today is a new day.

Whenever I half wake up in the night I jerk myself awake to use. It’s actually not really a choice.

I asked S if she could help. She gave me the name of someone who does energy work as she can’t at the moment. This person just sent me a form you’d have to fill in first, and I’m not happy to fill it in. So I’ll think about it.

I spoke to my GP today. He called me a couple weeks ago. I’d spoken to this therapist I saw from the NHS. Backtracking is that 1.5 years ago I asked for a referral for DBT. Actually this goes back 2.5 years ago come to think of it. So you have to commission it because it’s not offered in my borough. And there’s no private services. The commissioning team sent the referral to another psychology service that offer 12 sessions CBT and asked them to see if they could do that instead. So this is the NHS therapist I spoke to. The first 3 times i spoke to her were an assessment. I freaked out on her twice. Then was session 6 which she wanted to do a risk assessment. Pushed it off. Session 7. And I stupidly answered her honestly. Either way, she is the person who is best to request it. Who can say their service can’t help (either way ‘they’re not a crisis service and don’t deal with any form of risk’). I asked my GP to speak to her and ask her to request it. He said he’ll try. Whatever that means. He told me a couple weeks ago that he wanted to put a referral through to the other service. Which honestly is a waste of time. I didn’t mention it to him now or ask him about it because I don’t know that I want him to. It’s just a rigmarole that has landed me both times I did it nowhere.

I asked my GP what he thought about going privately for therapy. He didn’t think there was a point. I don’t know if I agree. I half do. There’s also the point that I can’t be honest with most people. If I’d tell anyone what I’m using (cocodamol) every day they’d either call an ambulance which is just a waste of time, or they wouldn’t believe me, also a waste of time. And a large majority of private practitioners aren’t ready to deal with any risk factors. I contacted 4 private therapists. 2 aren’t seeing anyone new. Another I spoke to yesterday and she said she doesn’t work with anyone where she’ll have to put in that kind of work to get the client on board. The 4th I saw briefly in the past. It didn’t happen due to a cultural misunderstanding. She is a great therapist who would be able to do it. If she gets back to me, and if it could work out. I somehow doubt it though. I intuitively know that it’s not a good idea, but I contacted her anyways to do my part. This was before I spoke to my GP. (I don’t consider his thoughts to be the bible. Just a thought). I’m not going to look further though.

What do I want? I don’t know what I want. I know that if I try reach out for help I’m also reacting in the opposite way. Yesterday I really reached out and last night the force of destruction was strong enough that it was scaring me.

Really I want to speak to S. I want her to do some clearing for me. Make the world safer. She can’t at the moment. I have to think about whether I want to speak to the person whose number she gave to me. This person does kinesiology which I like. (It’d be remote). Just, you’d have to fill in a form that I’m not comfortable to. And I don’t really have the money. And it’s not S. I texted R’R that I’m thinking about finding that way forwards (I’d let him know I was messing up. That’s one thing different in a sense now. I’ve really reached out to people. Which isn’t something I do easily. And I’m terrified of crossing boundaries). He replied that I should let him know if he can help in any way. I can’t think how he can at the moment. I may tell him by believing I’ll get there. Wherever there may look like.

This is long. And says nothing at all. For I still don’t know what moving forwards looks like. I don’t know how to. I don’t know what I need or want. I wish I could tell everyone to just leave me messages every so often, no such thing as too often, telling me they believe in me, they care, are there, I’ll get there and I’ll do it. Although I’m trying to believe it, it really helps me. Any message of hope/encouragement/belief does. (That’s why I’ve been emailing someone every so often. I know how much such things help me, so if I can give it, I will).

Every moment is a new moment. I’m grateful for how much calmer today was. Grateful to be okay today. Grateful that I tidied my room a bit – well, there’s now a path on the floor and you can see some of the carpet. I’m proud of how much I tidied! Even if to an outsider it’s a wreck still. Been posting pictures too (thanks to K actually). I really like photography. I need to find more movies I like for free. I half wonder if i should just pay for a subscription somewhere where I can watch anything I like. At the moment movies are the best thing possible for me in the evening (when I don’t spend nearly an hour on my phone writing things like this). I don’t really want to spend the money that’s not spare, bit maybe I will.

I can’t run anymore. But I should try and exercise. And I applied to an MBSR mindfulness course. I think if they ever do one face to face I rather that. Will see what happens.

Anyways, this is long enough.

How do you identify yourself?

Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.

There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.

A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.

What do I choose to identify with?

So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.

So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.

On the other hand is the rest of my life.

I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.

I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.

I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!

I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.

I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.

I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.

I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.

I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.

My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.

I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.

What do I identify with???

I get to choose.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.

So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.

Life is always a mixture.

Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.

There really and truly is so much good in my world.

What am I choosing to identify with?

I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.

I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.

I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.

I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard

I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.

I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.

What do I identify myself with?

I get to choose. I choose the good things.

What do you identify with?

This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).

Gratitude challenge: Day 23

Gratitude Challenge

Day 23: What change last year are you grateful for?

I’m grateful that I hate myself less. It’s less ‘I hate myself’, and more ‘I hate what I did’. I’ve noticed that I stop saying, writing and thinking I hate myself when it’s about something.

What change are you grateful for?

Gratitude challenge day 23: Notice positive traits about your colleagues (or others, anyone you choose).

I’m choosing the colleagues who get me nervous.

She is real. She doesn’t hide behind a facade. She cares about people I think. She has good social skills I think.


Love, light, and glitter