Working. Do I come first???

I was asked today about coming into school one day a week for a couple of hours – maybe more but hopefully just that.

She told me to think about it. To see whether it is something I can do. I said I didn’t see a choice if the dr says it’s medically okay (I’d have to ask my GP). She told me of course it’s a choice. She has to ask me because as her job she was told to. I should discuss it with whoever I need to and let her know. She said she knows she wouldn’t handle the anxiety of going in. I hadn’t even thought about that.

It was just, interesting. She said to remember that my family and I come first, the children in school second.

I appreciate her telling me that. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if it is even possible for me to think that way. To me it was a no brainer. I’m being asked to come in. I’m employed by the school. The children need a teacher. If my GP thinks there’s no health risks then regardless of what I want (I do not want to go to school!) I’ve got to go. And here she tells me that i come first… that others have refused to, or couldn’t come in (not teachers – they hadn’t been asked yet).

I don’t honestly believe I come first. It’s really hard for me to think that way and I definitely don’t instinctively think so. Which is why it was so nice – and important- of her to say so. If I ask my GP I imagine he’ll say it’s safe. I’d I ask my rabbi I imagine he’d say not to.

Re the anxiety of going in, I have no way of knowing what will be. Before schools were all closed I took off some mornings work because I was freaking and panicking. Afternoons were somehow okay. I don’t know, can’t think, what it will be like. I really have no idea. Of course, if I go in, and then panic, it’s a no brainer that I wouldn’t go back. Well, now it’s a no brainer. I think.

Do I come first? I don’t honestly believe so. But I’m going to try and act as if it’s so.

Do you believe you come first?

Remember, you, and the people who depend on you (family et al) come first!

Love, light, and glitter

Edit: I’m trying to breathe slowly and stem the panic. I am okay. Telling myself that, and it’s the truth. The panic can come from both – who comes first, or anxiety about going back. Not sure if I am anxious about it. It makes no difference what from just what I do about it.