Working. Do I come first???

I was asked today about coming into school one day a week for a couple of hours – maybe more but hopefully just that.

She told me to think about it. To see whether it is something I can do. I said I didn’t see a choice if the dr says it’s medically okay (I’d have to ask my GP). She told me of course it’s a choice. She has to ask me because as her job she was told to. I should discuss it with whoever I need to and let her know. She said she knows she wouldn’t handle the anxiety of going in. I hadn’t even thought about that.

It was just, interesting. She said to remember that my family and I come first, the children in school second.

I appreciate her telling me that. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if it is even possible for me to think that way. To me it was a no brainer. I’m being asked to come in. I’m employed by the school. The children need a teacher. If my GP thinks there’s no health risks then regardless of what I want (I do not want to go to school!) I’ve got to go. And here she tells me that i come first… that others have refused to, or couldn’t come in (not teachers – they hadn’t been asked yet).

I don’t honestly believe I come first. It’s really hard for me to think that way and I definitely don’t instinctively think so. Which is why it was so nice – and important- of her to say so. If I ask my GP I imagine he’ll say it’s safe. I’d I ask my rabbi I imagine he’d say not to.

Re the anxiety of going in, I have no way of knowing what will be. Before schools were all closed I took off some mornings work because I was freaking and panicking. Afternoons were somehow okay. I don’t know, can’t think, what it will be like. I really have no idea. Of course, if I go in, and then panic, it’s a no brainer that I wouldn’t go back. Well, now it’s a no brainer. I think.

Do I come first? I don’t honestly believe so. But I’m going to try and act as if it’s so.

Do you believe you come first?

Remember, you, and the people who depend on you (family et al) come first!

Love, light, and glitter

Edit: I’m trying to breathe slowly and stem the panic. I am okay. Telling myself that, and it’s the truth. The panic can come from both – who comes first, or anxiety about going back. Not sure if I am anxious about it. It makes no difference what from just what I do about it.

Gratitude challenge: Day 15

Gratitude Challenge

Day 15: What sounds are you grateful for?

3 birds facing different directions on the sand
I’m grateful for the sounds of birds as they sing,
Trees
For the trees as they rustle is the wind.

I’m grateful for sound of voices, with all the varied lilts and choices.

I’m grateful for all the sounds I do hear, for they all are so dear.

I’m grateful for the sounds of a childs laughter,

for the crashing of lightning of thunder,

Im grateful for the sound of a babys cry

for the water as it ripples by,
I’m grateful for the sound of the leaves as they flutter to the ground
For the pitter, patter of the squirrel as it comes around (Linda, I took this picture for you a long while ago).
I’m grateful for the sound of the ocean crashing
For the sound of rain falling
For the sound of geese hissing (hear the birds chirping?)
Of gulls and swans fighting
For the sound of a cat running

I’m grateful for all the sounds of life, though my favourite is nature and children. I learn from listening. I learn from stillness. I’m grateful for all the sounds I hear.

I was thinking of taking out those I don’t have pictures for (I do, but am not including family photos).

Gratitude challenge day 15: Write down five things that you like about yourself.

Hmm. I like my loyalty. I like my innocence, what people think of as naivety. I like how I believe the good in everyone. I like how I keep trying, sometimes. I like that I love knowledge and learning.

What are 5 things you like about yourself????


Love, light, and glitter

Gratitude challenge: Day 7

Gratitude Challenge

Gratitude question Day 7: What smell are you grateful for?

I’m grateful for the smell of flowers as I pass them by

They add beauty and fragrance to every day life

I’m grateful for the smell of freshly baked bread

Tempting me to cut it with a knife

I’m grateful for the smell of cookies as they bake

They make me want to eat

I’m grateful for the smell disperses that exist

That get rid of the smell of smelly feet

I’m grateful for the smell of the ocean waves

As they crash against the shore

I’m grateful for the smell of blossoms as they grow in spring galore

I’m grateful for the smells both good and bad

That can change my mood from sad to glad.

Gratitude challenge Day 7: Spend 30 minutes practicing self care.

I hope I remember this tomorrow. It’s after midnight – nearly 2am – so I’m deciding it’s a new day. If I’m not dizzy I’ll try put on a mud pack and then have a bath. Otherwise, or maybe both, I’ll try see a friend. I want some shopping though, so if I have time that is.


I’m aiming to do the gratitude challenge 2 or 3 times a week. I want to be able to enjoy doing it, when I have time, and have fun with it. If you join with your own posts get creative! Thank you to those who share your answers with me, who make it worth continuing! I’ve prepped the basics of the next few days posts – just wrote out the questions for myself- so hopefully it’ll be easier.


Love, light, and glitter

30 days of gratitude challenge

I did this a couple of years ago and would love to do it again. I’ve searched and chosen 2 30 day gratitude challenges that I like. The first is about what you are grateful for, and the second is about doing things for others and yourself. I hope to do this over February and March. Not on Saturdays for with the days getting longer (yay to sunshine!) shabbat is out much later and there won’t be time. I’m thinking of leaving out Fridays too, but will see how much time I have before shabbat on Fridays (Shabbat is from Friday afternoon until after sunset on Saturday, when I aim not to use any technology or electricity etc). I’d really love to do this with you as I feel like it’ll be more fun, and I’d love to see your posts about this. If you do it, please let me know, or link your posts (or email your replies). Even if you only do it once a week :). I’d also like to do this for it’s a way of focusing on the positive and is more about spreading sunshine, glitter, sparkles and light than rambling. At the moment I’m really liking glitter, even in clothes!

I’m looking forward to starting this on the 1st or 2nd of February, or if worst comes to worst – since I’m really busy the next couple of weeks and may not actually have time – mid February.

Please join me!

What moments are you grateful for?
Who in your life are you grateful for?
What food are you grateful for?
What new skills are you grateful for?
What about your body are you grateful for?
What new item are you grateful for?
What smell are you grateful for?
What new connection are you grateful for?
What books are you grateful for?
What tradition are you grateful for?
What colours are you grateful for?
What and how did you overcome recently?
What season of the year are you grateful for?
What recent challenge are you grateful for?
What sounds are you grateful for?
Which new places did you see and love?
What in nature are you grateful for?
What invention are you grateful for?
What did you learn last year?
What role model are you grateful for?
What lesson are you grateful for?
What attribute of a person in your life are you grateful for?
What change last year are you grateful for?
What part of the day are you grateful for?
What was the best moment last year?
What voyage are you grateful for?
Where did you see unexpected beauty?
What in day to day life are you grateful for?
What talent are you grateful for?
What blessings are you grateful for?
Write down three things that you are thankful for.
Express gratitude to at least one important person in your life. 
Go one full day without complaining. 
Meditate for ten minutes.
Make an effort to smile more throughout the day.
Engage in a random act of kindness.
Spend thirty minutes practising self care.
Send flowers - or something nice, a small gift or anything - to someone you care about.
Write thank you notes (or some notes) to five people in your life.
Go outside and appreciate the beauty of nature.
Do something nice for a co-worker.
Recognise today as a gift.
List three things you like about your job.
Spend the day being an optimist.
Write down five things that you like about yourself.
Recognise three things that you usually take for granted.
Write about your favourite part of the workday.
Think of what you're grateful for before going to bed.
Sign up to volunteer for a day in your community.
Catch a coworker doing a good job and thank them.
Think of a way that someone helped you today.
Write down three things that you appreciate about your boss.
Notice positive traits about your colleagues.
Spend time with loved ones.
Think of something great that has happened to you in the last year.
Write a thank you note to a colleague.
Refrain from gossip or speaking negatively about others.
Compliment a stranger.
Express your thankfulness for life's hardships.
Start a gratitude journal

Gratitude challenge 1

  1. What moments are you grateful for?
  2. Who in your life are you grateful for?
  3. What food are you grateful for?
  4. What new skills are you grateful for?
  5. What about your body are you grateful for?
  6. What new item are you grateful for?
  7. What smell are you grateful for?
  8. What new connection are you grateful for?
  9. What books are you grateful for?
  10. What tradition are you grateful for?
  11. What colours are you grateful for?
  12. What and how did you overcome recently?
  13. What season of the year are you grateful for?
  14. What recent challenge are you grateful for?
  15. What sounds are you grateful for?
  16. Which new places did you see and love?
  17. What in nature are you grateful for?
  18. What invention are you grateful for?
  19. What did you learn last year?
  20. What role model are you grateful for?
  21. What lesson are you grateful for?
  22. What attribute of a person in your life are you grateful for?
  23. What change last year are you grateful for?
  24. What part of the day are you grateful for?
  25. What was the best moment last year?
  26. What voyage are you grateful for?
  27. Where did you see unexpected beauty?
  28. What in day to day life are you grateful for?
  29. What talent are you grateful for?
  30. What blessings are you grateful for?

Gratitude challenge 2

  1. Write down three things that you are thankful for.
  2. Express gratitude to at least one important person in your life.
  3. Go one full day without complaining.
  4. Meditate for ten minutes.
  5. Make an effort to smile more throughout the day.
  6. Engage in a random act of kindness.
  7. Spend thirty minutes practising self care.
  8. Send flowers – or something nice, a small gift or anything – to someone you care about.
  9. Write thank you notes (or some notes) to five people in your life.
  10. Go outside and appreciate the beauty of nature.
  11. Do something nice for a co-worker.
  12. Recognise today as a gift.
  13. List three things you like about your job.
  14. Spend the day being an optimist.
  15. Write down five things that you like about yourself.
  16. Recognise three things that you usually take for granted.
  17. Write about your favourite part of the workday.
  18. Think of what you’re grateful for before going to bed.
  19. Sign up to volunteer for a day in your community.
  20. Catch a coworker doing a good job and thank them.
  21. Think of a way that someone helped you today.
  22. Write down three things that you appreciate about your boss.
  23. Notice positive traits about your colleagues.
  24. Spend time with loved ones.
  25. Think of something great that has happened to you in the last year.
  26. Write a thank you note to a colleague.
  27. Refrain from gossip or speaking negatively about others.
  28. Compliment a stranger.
  29. Express your thankfulness for life’s hardships.
  30. Start a gratitude journal

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

Hello hello hello sir

I haven’t messed up this week at all. No burning. No cocodamol to help me burn. Which, I was every day/evening until now. I don’t want to jinx it. I’m not committing to anything, but, I like it this way. It means sleeping less – not been sleeping well, and at some point I have to deal with everything else and why – what lies behind it all. I’m grateful for this. Especially coz there is so much going on and I’m grateful that I can be present.

Arranged for dermatology appointment on Monday. Kinda nervous for it coz of all the scars. Because they aren’t scars yet since they’re not healed. I wish it were my legs then it wouldn’t be seen… passed experience at these services before means it will be seen and I really don’t want it. Not sure what I can do…

Ps. The title has no connection, just wasn’t sure what to title this.

Love, light and glitter

Ramble 54321

My arm is really hurting. I think the blister peeled, it wasn’t intentional, I’m not sure how it happened, and it’s just hurting. There isn’t anything I can do about it, or that I even want to do. It’s just a constant awareness of my arm.

I’ve been burning a little less. Sleeping more. I’m so grateful for sleep. Who knew how grateful one had to be for sleep? I’m so grateful for I’ve been falling asleep at night, for the past week. I’ve actually been able to go to sleep. And the not being able to go to sleep is what has kept me up more than anything else. So I’m grateful, that I have been able to sleep.

I took pictures of the hot chocolate fudge cake I made today so that I can post the recipe for TA, who I’ve told I’ll do it for.

I need to order shoes that I put in a basket, I know I want the shoes, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Maybe coz’ they’re expensive. I should just order them already.

My hand – it’s my arm really – is hurting.

I’ve been needing to burn a little less. It’s not as constant and, it’s not the only thing in my world. A month ago, that’s all there was. Today, that isn’t all there is. There’s work – I’m present at work. I’m enjoying, mostly, what I’m teaching. I enjoy my morning job, I don’t enjoy the afternoon as much. I’m loving learning – I have to learn the material and really know it to be able to teach it.

I wonder if my arm will stop throbbing me?

2020. Why’m I suddenly moving on to here? I have a lot of plans for the year. I’ve been trying to get through to my GP and it’s a little impossible to do so. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to for it’s not like I’ll get through. Yesterday my friend said to me that when she told someone what I’d taken the person said it couldn’t be for I wouldn’t have been talking to her then. I laughed. Because this is a couple of weeks ago before I went away (and I was up all night, and then throwing up nothing for a few hours, but later on), because, I’ve taken a lot more than that before. And whoever had said that to her obviously didn’t know what they were talking about. I took that and more for over a month – daily. Gradually upping the amount. It was never enough. I don’t want to use. I actually occasionally think about it. Taking more than just then. I don’t want to more than I do want to. I want to live in this world and be present more than that.

I was listening to a class by R’ Yitzchak Berkowitz. He was talking about ‘souls’. I was planning on writing an entire blog post on this. There are 3 parts to the soul, or 3 different souls. Whatever you want to call it. There’s the part of you that is made up of the DNA and is alive. Is conscious and aware and living – the part that animals live with. There’s the part of you that is pure spirit – the energy and consciousness that is a part of the energy and consciousness of the spirit of the universe, that is completely if you want to use the word spiritual, or part of the world, or part of the source of the world, however you describe it. And there is the ‘ruach’ the part of you that combines the 2. Where free will lies. Animals follow the rules of behaviourism. People don’t. Because people are made up of both parts and it’s the ‘ruach’, what is called the spirit of the person that joins/combines/connects the two, and makes choices drawing on both parts.

:)

I’m not sure what I wanted to write about that , I had a whole lot to say.

This week has been good. Back to work. I tried calling up the IAPT service and left a message, about doing a mindfulness course. I’ve done one once upon a time and would love to do another. I really should call up someone I’m thinking of and ask him for advice. But I’m not. Not yet.

I miss one of my friends. I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’ll be seeing her on Sunday and I wonder if we’ll get to speak. I miss her. We used to have a lot to do with each other because of work. Now that we don’t work together we don’t see one another. She doesn’t need anything from me.

I was talking to a friend the other day. About life. About how it’s not all or nothing. There is no end destination. I felt like I was sharing with her all that I’ve had to learn these past few weeks. That there’s no end destination. That it’s about the journey. That she can set an intention for what she’d like to be and the awareness of it will help it to happen. That putting something out there allows it to come to you. She wanted to know if I believed in ‘that kinda stuff’ and I explained to her that I did, and why. For there has to be an infinity/source, and our existence, the existence of this universe has to be a part of that infinity/source, therefore we’re all connected, the entire universe boils down to energy and we’re all part of that energy. So putting out energy, or allowing ourselves to receive energy, does bring it to you. I know that I’ve worked through so much of what I know just through osmosis. Just by living and being. That my understanding of the universe isn’t necessarily based on the texts I’ve read or classes I’ve listened to. That by setting my intention that I’m ready to learn, to know, and grow, it’s happened. I know that last year I said my goal for the year was to be responsible for myself. To own my choices. To take responsibility. I know that I’m doing that. Nowhere near as much as I should – there are things I want to do in order to take care of myself and don’t have the energy or headspace to even though I know I should. In many ways I’m taking care of myself more than I used to. And it’s not all a choice. It’s an attitude shift by deciding I want it to be that way. It’s coming to me by being ready for it. And I’m learning that it’s a journey. That there is no end destination. Everything is so disconnected. I guess that’s why this is a ramble and not a specific point. I can sometimes stay on point.

Krav maga classes are starting again! I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll probably be paying for my friend to come with me. She doesn’t have the money for it. Neither do I if I’m honest but I’m looking at it as the class is double the price. The last of the introductory sessions she couldn’t come. And, I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t go alone however much I wanted to. I just couldn’t face it – and I like the instructor and the people who were doing it. Therefore, if I want to go – and I do. It’s good for me to go out. It’s good for me to learn new things. It’s good for me to exercise. If I want to go, it’s worth it for me to pay for us both. I’ll have to ask her if she’s okay with me mentioning it to the instructor, for the instructor may either subsidise the cost or say she doesn’t have to pay (which will mean I don’t have to). There may be another free exercise class which will be cool for us to go to. One day I want to be able to go alone. If it’s a set group of a few people and it’s prearranged that I’m going I’d be okay going alone, but it’s not like that. I’m not sure what it’s about (yeah, I know it’s social anxiety) but it’s definitely not something I’m working on but I’m working around it, instead. Social anxiety doesn’t usually run my life. There are some things I don’t do because of it. And there are things I push myself to do in spite of it – if I want it enough, or just because I’m scared, or if it’s important enough. And there are the things I miss out on because of it. Though this is the only example recently. The other time was a few months ago when I didn’t go to an evening I half wanted to go to.

Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m rambling anymore, or that it’s even saying anything…

My arm is hurting still and I’m not sure what to do about it – as in I’ve put on savlon and protected it, and not sure there is anything else that I can do.

My internet has just cut down so finishing writing this on my phone. Which means no linking posts and comments may not work.

On to other news, I just paid £100 on some skin care products – wash, toner and serum. Matis. One hundred pounds!!!!! Included in the price is high frequency for a couple of minutes once a week. I’m not sure if it will do anything for my skin, but it can’t harm to try. Honestly, I think you can get cheaper facial products that are as good, but I want the high frequency and the beautician selling it does them both together. It can’t harm me to use the stuff twice a day, and I’m really hoping to get rid of the redness and scarring. I know it probably won’t get rid of the acne, for it’s not treating the cause, but it’s a gamble or investment. I wasn’t going to do it for it’s so much money, then realised that I’m worth the risk. Even if it’s a 5th of my monthly wage. Rambling way too much.

I’m grateful for this space. This space to journal. This space to be. The people who are so nice, and supportive, and real and genuine. I haven’t been following most blogs. I have more headspace. My mindset is okay. Way more okay. I’m in a more okay space. And I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the moments of beauty. Someone commented something on SF that I thought was really good. That in dark tines we discount the beauty as irrelevant or not real when we should be celebrating each moment of light and expanding on it. It reminded me of my reasons to live site and the purpose of it. To make the beauty and positivity the central aspect. It’s not always so easy or possible, but noticing the good, trying to, when you can’t, has and will have a cumulative effect.

And I thought I was rambling before… I guess it’s okay as most people wont be reading this. Thank you to you 🙂 (who is/did)

Love, light and glitter

Happy weekend!!!

Eliza

Random ramblings 89, Part 3 (anxiety?)

Continuing today…

I feel like I can’t breathe.

And, I kinda want to use. The thought has been floating around my mind the past few days. Not just nights. Also about self harm, but that’s easier because it’s much less. I don’t want it in the same way.

I’m sure that if I actually use (cocodamol) it won’t give me what I want. I don’t know what I want. Oblivion. I don’t think destruction. I dunno. Tired and on edge. I drove to calm down and it helped but only until I came home. I wish I could just go to sleep. But sleep won’t happen. And trying to sleep will just mean thinking and fighting using.

Work went really well today. I spent an hour last night downloading resources which was really helpful. One of the groups I’ve been struggling with, the student who disrupts it is finally feeling safer. From another group I got a love letter from one of my little girls and it’s surprising to me how much I appreciate it. And I’m just hoping they all learn and get to where they can. They all worked well today.

Today has been busy and good. And really on edge, the I can’t breathe, everything is really tight kind.

I’m grateful for new days. I’m grateful for this space and all who take the time to read and respond, who join me on this journey. I’m grateful for my understanding of the world. I’m grateful for possibility.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Love, light and glitter

This week has been a good week

I’m grateful. For another week. Of life. This week has just been okay. It’s been awesome, as in, that it’s been okay. Sunshine, sunlight, occasional blue skies, birds twittering, and okayness.

I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful that the craziness of the couple of weeks spent freaking out and on the constant verge of self harming has passed. I hope it stays that way. I’m grateful especially because I didn’t want to turn to my friends anymore, I felt like I was driving them crazy. There’s only one friend I really spoke to, and I didn’t want to get her fed up of me. I’m grateful not to need her in that way now.

I kept my self care goals. Of doing laundry. Washing my hair three times in the week. I even showered more frequently than that. Putting my clothes away every night. Asides for today, every day this week I wore makeup and dressed up. Asides for today I’ve journaled for about an hour each day. I woke up late today and lounged in bed reading (Catherine Anderson, Perfect Timing) rather than put on makeup or journal much.

It seems like my family’s cleaner has hoovered my room and put all the stuff that was lying on the floor into piles. It looks nice so tidy! Well piled high and all, but it looks good. My goal for the next week is the same as this week, also to wash my bedding. It’s soon the end of the school year. I have to hurry up with the bag we’re sewing. I hope to, tomorrow, sew on the zip and the inside pockets. I also figured that we need an extra seam on the lining and inside of the zipper to make sure that there’s no extra lining to get caught in the zip. I feel really proud of this bag we’re creating! And, something awesome too, it seems like I’ll have a couple of mornings off in the next few weeks. And soon it’s summertime. I’m thinking of high school musicals song ‘summertime, of our life‘. This summer I hope to give to charity some of my books and clothes, I’ve way too many that I don’t need. I have to go through all my books and see which ones I’m likely to re-read and which ones are a waste of space. Even if I give away only 5 at least I’ll know what I’m keeping.

I made an appointment with a sorta therapist for Monday. Sorta therapist, as in she does energy work and kinesiology. She used to be a therapist. I want some basic energy balancing and clearing done. I found kinesiology cool last time, when was that? It was definitely a long while ago, that she was here. It could be a waste of time, a bunch of hocus and pocus, and it could be awesome and amazing. I hope it’s the latter.

I want to continue exploring my understanding of god/judaism and where I want my life to take me. I hope that like-minded people somehow find their way to my posts on the topic, which will be really boring for anyone who isn’t interested in the stuff, but probably, hopefully, interesting for anyone it’s relevant for.

One of the things I’ve been asking for, and telling myself, every morning, is to be open to possibility. There is an endless amount of possibilities. I’ve absolutely no clue what they are or where they could lead me. I want to be open to them all. And see where life takes me.

Happy Thursday

Love, light and glitter