When there’s nothing to say…

Trigger warning suicidality.

… the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I’d ever write in public what I’m thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn’t even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don’t read them. And I’m rambling about absolutely nothing. For there’s just nothing to say. But I want to out this down.

Trigger warning.

Today’s calmer.

Yesterday’s been calmer.

Do I really want to put it into words?

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t really understand how come I’m still here. I didn’t do anything. But. I don’t know.

In my head I planned what’s going to be with my money. The messages I’d leave for people to get 3 months later.

You know when you’re choosing to live but death is an inevitability regardless of your choice not to die? Or you don’t know.

I wrote myself a letter. One of those nights. And what I found, still find, so incredible, is how I can be so positive and hopeful on the one hand, and on the other hand prepare stuff for when death is inevitable.

View this post on Instagram

Life is a journey. Definitely calmer after writing this letter. No clue how long it'll last. I'm believing it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe that it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe I won't end it. As I said a while ago, if god wants me to die, I've given enough opportunities for that to happen, nothing I do will cause death if I'm meant to live. So I may as well not do anything on that end. I'm choosing to believe in hope. I'm choosing to believe in possibility. I'm choosing to believe in life. It hurts. It doesn't feel like it hurts but I know that it does. How profound is that??? Life is a journey. I didn't ask to be on this journey. Yet I am here. I don't want to be. But I am. There's something I've been doing that scares me. Some of my thoughts scare me. The planning. The planning. The planning. I haven't done this in years. Or 3 years. When I got past this place then, I never dreamt of coming back here. Yet here I am. And. And there's nothing really to say. Just live with it. I guess that says it all. Just live with it. Until I can get to another side. Dare I say, until I will get to another side. #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewish #jewishblogger #suicidalideation #suicidalthoughts #suicidality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #bipolarwarrior #therapistsofinstagram #innerchild #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #innerchildhealing #innerchildwork #selfdestruction #selfharmrecovery #attachmenttrauma #oding #deathvslife #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #addictionsucks #addictionrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery

A post shared by Eliza (@elizajtl) on

I just reread that. And it says it all. The hope. The opposite. The everything. Just the everything.

I haven’t been reading most posts on here. I’ve been writing letters as a distraction. They just say hello. If you want a letter email me your address – if you’re less phobic then I who does not give out my address. Not that I care if you’re an axe murderer and cone and shoot me in the night. Do axe murderers use guns?

I’ve ordered a number of gifts for the people I care about. They don’t feel as necessary. Last week, if you asked me, I would gave told you that give me 3 weeks and I’m not here. Not by choice. Never a choice to die. I don’t want to hurt others that way. It’ll hurt so many. R’R said I’m talking like when a kid does something accidentally on purpose. I don’t know how to describe the lack of choice. Of choosing one thing, or choosing not something when it’s inevitable however much you may go against it. Like saying gravity ain’t a force. Choosing not to let gravity pull you to the ground yet however much you hold yourself up you know gravity will win.

Death doesn’t seem as much like gravity today. Like, maybe I’ll be here in 2 weeks.

I called the CMHT to ask when an outpatient assessment is meant to be. The person who answered said they haven’t made an appointment and don’t have any until February anyways. Is that okay? If I don’t get a letter with a date in a month I should call again. I just put down. I couldn’t speak. Speaking is always hard. And what was I meant to say? I’ll be dead in 2 weeks, never mind 4 weeks, so you may as well not bother wasting paper or ink on an appointment letter. I’ll spare you the resources.

There’s a reason I’m going through the CMHT. Asides that any professional I called is either not available, or is fazed by this, or ‘doesn’t do therapy when the therapist will have to work hard’. That’s because most therapists don’t offer crisis management as the main thing. I don’t want traditional therapy. And. If I stop ODing I’m not going to cope. I can’t use therapy. I don’t do talking because it’s not safe. I use writing to process, except I haven’t been writing much as I didn’t want a record of anything. I didn’t want anyone to know I knew I’d die. I don’t want them to hurt even more. Not just would death hurt, but that ‘could they have done anything’. Now that I’m not going to die I can write it. I don’t know.

I spoke to R’R. He got in touch with a charity for me. No clue if they’ll be able to help. He said he cares. I didn’t tell him I don’t believe him for I don’t think it’s fair to him to do that. Tried to get through to my GP to ask him to call the CMHT but haven’t yet gotten through.

Work starts tomorrow. I can’t face it. I’ve been taking less. It’s less of a need. SG did some energy work for me. I texted her when I was freaking out asking if there’s anything she could do. I wonder if that’s the cause of the shift. Of the being okay being here. Of not needing to take as much so constantly. Still buying lots more coz need to be able to if I want to.

And that’s it basically. My world. Which seems to expand and contract and expand and contract. I’ve no clue what of anything is real. I wonder if in April I really was in a better place. Or not at all. And there’s been chantelle during the past few months too. Change that seems meaningless.

Boundaries. I’ve been keeping boundaries much more, and in a much healthier way.

Responsibility. I always took responsibility for others and no responsibility for myself. Then I took responsibility for myself so couldn’t ask others for help because I’m meant to be taking responsibility… I’ve been reaching out. Which isn’t me at all. I was freaking out earlier so called a friend and asked her to talk to me (could never tell her what I was freaking about). And. It helped.

Compassion vs guilt. I’m guilting myself less. Accepting what my reality is more. Like when I’m freaking. Instead of why’m I freaking, being okay that I am. Not adding on the additional guilt (that doesn’t take away the core guilt I live with).

Relationships. In the past few months there are 3 people I’ve really built healthy relationships with. My sister. 2 friends. One of my friends, I’ve gotten to know her children during this time.

I’ve really become okay with what I want, where I stand, re judaism and the culture (I hate the culture. Hate is way too tame to describe the abhorrence, detestation and all it brings up. I wonder if there’s such a thing as religious trauma…). Yet. I’m okay with it. When others bash the culture I can see how their experiences aren’t everyone’s. I can and do see the extremities. And how the culture and the religion of the culture is so different to Judaism. I don’t know what life I’m going to lead with it. If I live long enough to ever get that far. I’m okay with separating it. I love what I see. I love the connection I can’t tune into (because what do I tune into ever?)

My world is a mass of contradictions. That’s another thing I’ve learnt over the past few months of living with destruction. That there is an AND and both can be, and are, true.

Going to end with this image I made. I know this is too long for most to read. Which is why it’s for me. I’m grateful for this space for myself.


Random ramblings 89. Part 1

I don’t really know what I want this post to be about. Or what it will be about. Hence the title.

My world is a pretty weird place at the moment. And there is a knock on the door. But I’m not sure who is there. I’ll go see if it’s someone I’m happy to answer to.

Okay, random ramblings. I don’t even know where to start. This is completely for me. Because I haven’t been journaling at all recently. Journaling is good for me. It helps me put down what I’m thinking. Sometimes when I reread what I’ve written in the past I’m surprised at the insight I had. The knowledge I wasn’t aware I possessed. Which I see in the words. Journaling helps me to make sense of what is going on in my head. It categorises it, and puts it into words. Which is also why often I can’t journal. For there is too much there to be able to start. And I’m someone who goes with the flow. I write. Or I don’t write. I am. Or I’m not.

I don’t know what I think. What I want.

I was realising something over the weekend. That I don’t want to be here in 5 years time. I can’t envision myself living for yet another 5 years. Not in a ‘I want to die’ kind of way. Just that, another 5 years? Of life? What for? Why on earth would I do that? It made me realise that there is lots that needs to change. There needs to be meaning and purpose. I don’t mind living for today. I’m happy to live for today. Well, most the time I’m happy to live for today. For the day. And it’s about both. About both being okay with the present and with the future. I can’t envision a future. A future I haven’t yet created. And it needs to change. And I need to accept that the way I work is the way I work, and it’s a process, and, it will change. It really and truly will change.

Change. I’m seeing a lot how things have changed recently. I mean that recently I’m seeing it. One of the areas this is most pronounced is with touch. One of my friends used to touch me in order to get the kick of seeing me tense involuntarily. I want touch. I like touch. If I’m freaking out I probably won’t want anyone to touch me. Yet, I’m touching my friends a lot nowadays. They’re touching me too. In a normal, healthy, way. One of my friends said to me recently something about knowing I don’t like her touching me, and I thought, huh? I don’t mind touching you, I’d love to. I’m seeing change in the thought of relationships with people. I don’t know if I’d want to get married or not, but I want the connection of a relationship with someone. I don’t want the intimacy, yet I can imagine that I’d be ready for that part of a relationship for the others sake. It doesn’t draw me or have any sort of pull to me at all. I wonder if that would change if I’m in such a relationship. Or not. I actually really want a relationship with someone else. The connection. It doesn’t need to be intense. Scrap that. I need a relationship that is intense in the love, the care, and the reality, but that is really grounded, down to earth, present and fun. I don’t know if I care if it’s with a male or female. Although if I believe judaism to be true, I’d first date a male. I don’t really care for marriage either, though again, if I believe judaism to be true I’d presumably eventually marry.

Change. I saw it today. It was a random realisation when I arranged to have a sorta friend teach me hebrew. I was realising that eventually we’ll become friends. This is a person who I’ve a very light, fun relationship with. There’s nothing intense and I can’t imagine that she is someone I’ll ever share the intensity of my life with. Yet I can imagine being friends with her. (having another friend who is around 40). It’s a fun, easy, relaxed relationship. I taught her ‘hello, hello, hello, sir’. She was singing the hebrew playground songs she grew up with to me. It was strange because just the other day I was discussing relationships with someone and saying that the goal is not to define yourself by your intensity but to be able to have relationships that aren’t based on that. And I was saying that I can’t yet do that. All my friends are intense. All my friends have struggled – even if and though I’ve not necessarily discussed it ever with them. I was saying how the goal is to be able to have all relationships. Both the intense – as long as they’re healthy and balanced, and the non-intense and fun. It was actually surprising for me to then see today that I actually do.

I didn’t plan on rambling this stuff πŸ™‚ I thought my post would be negative. I’m not in a negative space. I was just thinking it’s negative because I don’t know how to name this head-space, or define what it is. Because it’s just, different. And I haven’t journaled in so long…… really I should probably end this post here and start another one so that it isn’t too long…

So long as there’s life, there’s hope. (that’s for you L!)

Love, light and glitter

What is Your Religion??

I loved this post. Really my thoughts on this deserves a post on its own, but….

What is this world? What is religion? What is god? I don’t use the term ‘god’ much for it has a lot of religious associations to me, so I don’t see it as the reality it is, but rather think of ‘god’ as a being I can’t stand. Yet, what is this ‘god’? To me, the way I view it, is that the world was created with the big bang. The energy that existed previously – to be the force of this energy and the big bang – exists in the entire world. The entire world is energy, is consciousness. That is what ‘god’ is to me. The source. The energy that exists and runs the world, that is the source of the world, that gives life to the world – is the life of the world, of us, of everything, and is all, just, just is. It all is. This is something Ashok wrote down really clearly.

Therefore, we’re all one. Religions come along and say, this source of the world is something that someone was able to tune into enough to receive prophecy, or connect enough, and knows what this source wants of us. Because we want to connect to the source.
All of that is good. It’s good so long as it’s about love and light and joy and connection. It turns its back on itself when it’s used against people. When it turns to preaching.

Love. Light. Glitter. That’s what this post was about. About tuning into the beauty of a source of a world. Love. Light. And glitter.

Keep sparkling. Keep believing – in yourself, in your beauty, in the beauty of the world around you, in reality, in your reasons to live, to be, because you just are, and because you’re awesome just coz’ you are, and coz’ just by existing you’re an expression of the source of the world, of the energy that is, of the what I’d like to believe is love and light.

Love, light and glitter

Musings of a Wanderer

I am a Hindu by birth. But if someone asks me what is my religion, I would say:

  • It is KINDNESS

And my God is:LOVE

My God is not sitting in a temple or a church or a mosque or any other place of worship. There is no god sitting on any mount or in any heaven!!

The love in our hearts is God! If we are kind, if we are compassionate; we are godly; we are spiritual!

There is no God outside of you. There is no God outside of me.

There is no God who can ever be explained or defined!

Love doesn’t need any language. Love is a feeling and it can only be experienced. Love only needs loving! And God Being Love needs only loving. God too can only be experienced.

Hindu scriptures describe God as: Satchitananda β€” Sat Chit Ananda


View original post 488 more words

The word god – Part 7

God. The word itself is filled with so much meaning. The word ‘god’ brings up different things for different people. Some people will associate it with love, others cruelty, and anything in between. I know I’ve written about this before. Who is god? What is god?

Who is god

I hate the word ‘god’ for it’s so generic and people put all their preconceived notions on it. Someone asked me why I talk about Judaism and not Yiddishkeit (translation: Judaism). I tried to explain it to her. Which I shouldn’t have. ‘Yiddishkeit’ is tainted to me. It could be that once I’ve created my own relationship with it, it will be different. It’s a bit like ‘god’. It took me until I’d created my own definition of the word to use it.

God, to me, means the infinity that is the constant source of the world (constant for limit, time, is only in this world). God means whatever I’m learning it means. I’m working through what that is. As I left off part 6, god is the light, darkness is the limit. I don’t know much about god. I know what I perceive. I know this entire world is a reflection of god.

Of the god I create. It’s not that I create it, but that I create my understanding of it by working through it.

The word ‘god’ and a host of religious words are tainted by the religion. I think what happens most often is that the religious people think they’re acting in accordance with the religion when really they’re going against it all. A lot of religious people confuse the culture with religion.

God. What does the word mean? It means whatever I want it to mean. And that’s a work in progress.

To be continued…

Does it make a difference if the bible is true? Part 4

If the bible is divinely originated, and I’m assuming for the purposes of this post that it is, then the next thing would be – how does that translate into daily life.

There are 2 parts to this. The first part, as already mentioned, is whether Judaism is true or not. The first part is what does it practically mean. How does it apply to my life? Does it even make a difference to my life. Even if the bible is truth there are still a whole lot of questions

 Do i care?

The second part is the more complicated part. Do I care?

The answer is, as with almost everything in my world, both. I care and I don’t care. I care because I want the truth. I want to apply the truth to my life. If the bible is divine, and if my understanding of the bible is correct – as in it’s exactly the same as the world, a reflection, wrong word, a, I can’t think of the word, of god. That the world itself has to be god itself. That the bible itself has to be god. Kinda that you’re putting something that can’t be put into words, into words. You’re condensing infinity through the filter of the finite. You’re condensing infinity through words. That’s how the bible can always be truth for all times, because it’s a reflection of the infinity that’s the source of life, so life itself will have to be reflected. I think the word reflection applies to life being a reflection, but not to infinity being a reflection.

Of course I’m getting distracted. My writing has always been free flow, I just write what I want to say and don’t analyse it, and I rarely (more like almost never) edit my posts, very occasionally I proof read it. It’s good. It just means that I find it hard to stay on tangent. In real life, when I’m talking, I constantly interrupt myself with one thing or another. I’ve always wondered if I’ve ADHD. I fit most of the symptoms for it. Anyways.

Do I care? I answered why I do care. I care because I want to live with reality and connect to reality, whatever I may find out this reality may be.

I also don’t care. Wrong. I care. There is the issue that I never asked to be created, that I think creation of the world is selfish (in much the same way having children in selfish, unless you’re doing it because you believe in god, and believe you’re meant to have children for god, in which case it’s a different kind of selfish, for connection is selfish too, but not necessarily a bad kind). That’s the issue of my relationship with god. Why I’m trying to build a relationship with god. I think, kinda, I wonder, whether if or when I’m living a life I created for myself, I’ll still feel that way.

Do I care what an infinity would have transmitted to the world? Yes. I care. Do I want to follow what an infinity would have said? Yes. I want to follow it. It just remains to be seen what exactly the ‘it’ the infinity ‘said’ is about.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on any part of this.

To be continued…

Do I work through what I believe?

This is something I’ve been thinking about writing for the last couple of weeks. It’s a lot about religion (Judaism). Or, it may be anyways. I’ve been thinking of putting it down. Planning to. Just that every time I write, I write about other things instead. I hope to actually put it into coherent words now though.

It was pesach – passover here. 8 days. From shabbat – saturday to saturday. One of the concepts in Judaism is that from the 2nd day of passover until shavuot – I’m not sure what that’s translated as – is 49 days, 7 weeks. Shavuot is a Holiday about accepting the torah/bible as truth. Shavuot is supposedly the day that god came to the Jews on Sinai and all the assembled jews – a couple of million people – heard god say ‘I’m god who took you out of Egypt’. Moshe/Moses ascended sinai for 40 days – the jews all witnessed this – and came down with the luchot – tabernacles which he smashed as they were worshipping an idol. Whilst in heaven he received the torah/bible. All the jews passed down the torah/bible down from father to son to son to son in an unbreakable chain that can be traced backwards. Okay, history lesson over :). Actually not, but more soon.

I’m jewish. I’ve been brought up to be a religious jew. At the moment I’m doing my best to keep to Judaism. There are 2 reasons I’m doing this. The internal reason, the reason I’m keeping away from a lot of things and not doing what’s supposedly ‘wrong’ in Judaism is because one day I may believe it to be true. If I ever find out that it’s false, I won’t regret acting on my beliefs. If I ever find out it’s true, I’ll be glad I didn’t create distance. The external reason, the reason I externally dress like a jew and pretend to do some things I don’t do is because I don’t want to hurt my parents, primarily my dad, if I haven’t chosen anything.

The days between passover and shavuot, in Judaism, are meant to be about connection. Because shavuot is a day of accepting the torah, the days before are about becoming perfect in yourself so that you can. On the first day of passover I decided that I want to work through whether torah is or isn’t true so that by the time it comes to shavuot, I’ll know – whether or not it’s true. Whether I logically believe it happened or not.

Then I’ve come to a problem. I’m scared to work through it because what if I find out that I don’t believe it’s true? I said I’m scared of hurting my dad. There’s a whole lot more involved than that. Which is an understatement.

Something I used to say was that if I was going to choose not to be religious my father would rather I commit suicide. I’ve changed my stance since then. I don’t believe he’d rather I commit suicide. I believe, and know, that he’d rather I were dead. He wouldn’t rather I killed myself. He wouldn’t rather I died. He wouldn’t be able to handle the pain of seeing his child choosing what he believes is eternal hell. He wouldn’t be able to handle the rejection. I know I’m mentioning my father a lot more than my mother. That’s because my fathers pain in my mind is more legitimate than my mothers. My mothers pain would be how could she hurt me like this. My mother would ask what she’s done wrong. For my mother, it’d be all about her. About her alone. As is everything. Everything is a personal attack. For my father it’ll be more about his child. In everything.

I don’t want to hurt my father. I don’t have an honest/open relationship with him. I never discuss religion with him, the few times I have I’ve learned not to. His views are extreme – although he’s balanced out a lot over the past few years. I can’t discuss it with him. If I’d come to believe that torah isn’t true, he wouldn’t believe that possible. He’d think that the only way I’d be saying that is if because of my own pain (emotional pain) I couldn’t handle torah so were convincing myself that I don’t believe. His truth is that torah is true. Who said that’s my truth? I’m scared to work it through. I’m scared to see that it isn’t true. I’m not scared of finding out that it’s true, for however obligatory it is, I also don’t see it as obligatory. It’s as obligatory as I care. If I don’t care about an infinite power, or what this infinite power says, then it makes no difference if this infinite power gave the torah or not, or if judaism is true or not. It won’t affect my life in any way unless I choose to live my its’ premises. That’s a choice I’d make.

What if I come to see that it’s not true though? What then? I don’t have a way to handle that. I don’t know what I’ll do then. And there isn’t anyone I can discuss it with. If AH hadn’t left a year ago, he’d be the perfect person. Really, the perfect person to discuss it with would have been RR. Which at the moment isn’t an option. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again. There’s also the fact that RR has told me he’d do things before that he hasn’t. He wasn’t obligated to do them, but he told me he would, his word obligated him. I know not often. I know that compared to how much he gave me, he let me down very little. It’s something I’d be able to look past if not for everything else. Either way RR isn’t an option. If I had a therapist I’d discuss it with said therapist. Said therapist is non-existent. (Even if the commissioning team say yes to my GP to therapy – NHS – it’s not something I’d be able to discuss. And I can’t look for a private therapist until I know if it’s a yes or no – hopefully yes, for it is, then I’m not starting with someone and stopping a couple of months down the line) So I don’t have anyone to discuss it with. And none of my friends can discuss it with me either.

I don’t know where this leaves me. I’m scared that knowing torah isn’t true will make me suicidal as I won’t want to hurt my father, I believe – know – that he’ll rather I weren’t here (he wouldn’t rather I committed suicide for then there’d be no chance of my ever choosing differently). Yet I want to work it through. That’s my reason not to.

I’ve all the reasons yes to. I’ve all the reasons to work through what I believe. I’ve been working through what I believe – trying to – for the past couple of years. I feel like I do everything at a snail’s pace. Slower, really. It takes me forever and a day to work anything through. Everything takes me forever and it often makes me crazy. How it’s years and years and I’ve moved a step or two. Why does everything have to take me so damn long? So there’s actually an analogy I use to describe the way I work things through in life and my world. Of a puzzle. I used to do jigsaw puzzles and the way I do jigsaw puzzles is very reminiscent of how I work through things.

When I do a puzzle I first split the pieces. Into the side pieces and the centre pieces. Whilst I organise them into 2 piles I often do a little big of colour organising – if I see pieces the same colours I put them together, although I’m not officially doing that. Then I do the sides. Then I go through the centre pieces and choose one part to work on, say the flowers. Whilst I’m separating the flowers I may be putting some tree pieces aside, or seeing 2 tree pieces that go together. So when I get to the trees, some of the tree pieces are done. When I get to the ground, quite a bit is done. When I get to the sky, there’s actually a lot less organising for me to do.

When I work through things in my world I do the same thing. I’m working through just one thing, but a lot of little things fall into place. For example with this point. Of working through what I believe. I believe that the world is finite since it started with a big bang and is every expanding and has been proven that the radioactivity in space is lessening – proof of expansion – and the world can’t collapse (there’s not enough matter). I believe that being the world is finite there has to be an infinity. That being that the world is finite and there is an inifinity, finite is part of it. Whatever, I can go on. One of the things I believe is that the world is a reflection of the infinite, because it’s created. A lot of what I believe, because I’ve worked through what I’ve worked through, if I ever decide Judaism is true, a lot of tennets of Judaism would make sense to me. Such as that an infinite power would give commandments which aren’t about commandments but about telling the humans in the world how to connect. That the world is about connection and unity.

I’ve gotten distracted. So I want to work through what I believe because it’s my life. It’s important to me to know what I believe. I want to work through what I believe because if I ever decide to date than I’ll want to date a guy with the same beliefs as me. I wouldn’t want to date and get married to someone and then find we’re living different worlds. If I’m not religious and the guy is religious that wouldn’t be such an issue, for let him live his life, so long as he’s okay with mine. If I am religious and he isn’t, I would find it an issue. I’d want to be living my beliefs with someone. I want to work through what I believe. I want to know what the truth is. And, I don’t want to know. I’m scared to know. I’m scared of the ramifications of knowing.

I’m not sure why it’s been on my mind to put this down, since I haven’t actually written anything new. I know and have known all this. I thought it through 2 weeks ago after I decided to work through what I believe. I realised then that I was scared to and I know why. It’s all still the same. I still don’t know what to do about it. Somehow when it was in my head it sounded clearer than it does here. And I still don’t know how to know what to do.

Life’s heading – somewhere?

This is sorta religious based. Well, I thought it was going to be, but ended up rambling instead.

I was listening to a class by Yitzchak Berkowitz just now. He was saying that life leads you somewhere. Backtrack. This world is finite. For finite to exist there has to be infinity. Infinity has to be unity for the infinite can’t be split. It’s a contradiction, how something finite can coexist with the infinite. Finite can either be existing outside, or within the infinite. It’d have to be within, for if it’s external, what’s giving finite existence? Finite is limit. If we look at the finite we can see what the infinite is like for everything finite is part of the infinite. The finite world lives with rules. Connection. Communication. The earthworms plough the fields. Humanity is slowly heading to peace. The point of the finite is to connect to the infinite by becoming like the infinite. On a national level we see this – how humanity slowly stop destroying the world. On a personal level every person is created with their unique character flaws, their own mission to correct. A person will constantly be led in the direction they’re meant to go. A person who trips and falls learns to look where they’re going. An introvert will be placed in more situations where they have to speak up than anyone else. A person who doesn’t think before they speak will put their foot in their mouth in more situations than would be expected. A person who can’t stop talking will be placed in more situations where they have to be silent than others. Every person is led to perfect themselves, to connect to the infinite, by being like the infinite (infinity, by definition, has to be perfection).

What’s my purpose? Where’s life leading me? I wonder if there’s a way for me to see it and/or know.

It’s actually a little interesting that I was listening to that this morning, for the past couple of weeks is the first time (in my entire life that I recall, definitely in the past 5 years) that I’m beginning to see that there could be a life. It was/has always been about the opposite. First it was suicidality with no awareness of it. Before that, I never really lived in the world. I used to wonder if I was living in a dream and would one day wake up. I used to wonder if I was really real or a figment of my imagination – I know, where’s ‘my’ imagination coming from, or someone’s imagination. After I chose to give life a go 2.5 years ago, it’s always been, just hang on, coz’ it’s worth it, for there has to be something more. What’s the something? Who knows. Just believe. Believe in those who have done it before. Believe in the impossibility. Life’s been all about hanging on. When I stopped using a year and a half ago (and slipped up after that, it’s been a year since I’ve used cocodamol), it’s all been about hanging on. Yeah, life has changed too. I’m way more present. I don’t wonder if I’m real or not for I know I’m real. I don’t wonder if I’m living in a dream for I know this world is reality. Actually, AH (I actually miss AH. He’s my ex therapist, he ended it/I wrecked it) told me when I told him I wanted to fly to see him that he found the desire for reality moving. He knew just how ‘unreal’ my world was. I’d wanted to fly to him because I wanted it to be real (well, that’s when it ended). Life is a lot more ‘real’ than it was. Real actually describes what I mean really well. One day recently someone attached a link to an interview with a girl who described depersonalisation/derealisation. Listening to it described what my life used to be like to a tee. Thankfully it’s less so. There’s still the nothingness so often. There’re still all the walls that I can’t go past. I can’t access myself, or my world. But in a way lesser extent.

So listening to this class now was perfect timing. About the fact that every persons life leads them to where they’re meant to go. When I’m beginning to feel like there may just be a future for me. I’m beginning to see a future. Able to think more realistically about studying, what and how I want to do it. I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know where I want my life to take me. And in a way that’s pretty cool. For it means I’ve a blank canvas that I can decorate however it pleases. I’ll probably do lotsa things I hate in the process. And that’s okay. I’ve no clue what I even like nowadays, if I like anything much (other than giving), I know some of that is depression style, some of that, most of that, is that life could never be about me. Life’s always been about others. What do others want. If I was going out with someone, it was about what they wanted to do. It was frustrating that it was never about me, but truth be told, it couldn’t be, for there was never really a ‘me’ there.

It’s not that I don’t still want to use and mess up. For I do. Always. It’s that instead of life being only about hanging on and staying away, it looks like maybe it can be about learning what the future can be. Exploring the endless possibilities. See where life is trying to lead me and embracing it. I hope I’m able to hold that in mind. For I’ve still no clue what I want from life or where I want life to take me. And for the moment that’s awesome.

Actually, it’s not quite true. For the past year and a half I’ve been skirting around working through what I believe. I’ve been brought up religious and I act religious – externally – whilst having no clue what I believe. Now I actually feel ready to work through whether I think it’s true or not. I want to. I want to work through it. I always wanted to, but wanted to in a very different way. Now I want to because I can see it guiding my life. I may come to believe it’s true. I may come to believe it’s not true. If it’s true, there’s definitely what I’d have to work through. I’d want to believe that the infinite – god – is good, rather than selfish. I can see that as a possibility. Which is pretty cool. It feels like I’ve taken forever (a year and a half!!) to work through nothing. I hate that I take so long for anything and everything. And, it is what it is. Whatever I know is really real to me. I’m also grateful.

I wrote this title before I finished this post. The title is eerily true of my life at the moment. Life is heading – somewhere.

Love, light and glitter