Can one recover from an Eating Disorder

What does recovery look like?

So many people view recovery as complete abstinence from whatever it is (too many things to list) for life. Although for now that is how it is for me, I need the complete abstinence for else I’ll mess up, I believe it doesn’t have to be that way. I believe recovery means that it’s no longer a part of your life. That it’s a non issue.

What do you think?

Thank you S.S for writing and sharing this. I really appreciate it! For proving that it can be done.

Recovery IS possible.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Succulent Savage Says...

This post is for Eliza following her request earlier today. Check out her blog

I’ve written a number of posts about living with and overcoming from an eating disorder. Today I want to talk about living in recovery. I’ve been recovered for about 10 years now. It’s different in so many ways. One of them is having the ability to actively choose to self-soothe with food without going in a full relapse.

Shortly after my mother died I had a stressful day that pushed me to my emotional limits. Grief, stress, and worry weighed on me. One of those days where everything goes wrong and nothing helps relieve it. I’d used every coping skill in my arsenal. I thought about how much I just wanted a piece of cake. I went through the mental gymnastics of how it wouldn’t really make it better and all the reasons why…

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24985 – rambling update. (Could be triggering.)

The world is a good place.

I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.

I feel guilty.

My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.

Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.

My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.

I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.

I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.

Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.


Gratitude challenge: Day 20

Gratitude Challenge

Day 20: What role model are you grateful for?

Hmm. This is a tough one. I’m really not sure. There’s no one I can really think of. There’s actually someone who modelled some of what I really should learn from, but she’s the worst person to choose for a role model. There isn’t really anyone in real life that I know that is really happy and/or living a similar kinda life to me.

I’m going to choose recovery related. TC for showing me what recovery looked like. She’s someone who is genuine, and mostly happy. Who is working towards her dreams… and building them (I hope! For I’m waiting to see the end result). Bike rider Jim an example of what happiness in recovery is. S.S who lives the kinda recovery life I plan on – using what she did in a healthy way today.

Gratitude challenge day 20: Catch a co-worker someone doing a good job and thank them for it.

I’ll try to remember 🙂

Love, light, and glitter

30 day gratitude challenge details

Working. Do I come first???

I was asked today about coming into school one day a week for a couple of hours – maybe more but hopefully just that.

She told me to think about it. To see whether it is something I can do. I said I didn’t see a choice if the dr says it’s medically okay (I’d have to ask my GP). She told me of course it’s a choice. She has to ask me because as her job she was told to. I should discuss it with whoever I need to and let her know. She said she knows she wouldn’t handle the anxiety of going in. I hadn’t even thought about that.

It was just, interesting. She said to remember that my family and I come first, the children in school second.

I appreciate her telling me that. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if it is even possible for me to think that way. To me it was a no brainer. I’m being asked to come in. I’m employed by the school. The children need a teacher. If my GP thinks there’s no health risks then regardless of what I want (I do not want to go to school!) I’ve got to go. And here she tells me that i come first… that others have refused to, or couldn’t come in (not teachers – they hadn’t been asked yet).

I don’t honestly believe I come first. It’s really hard for me to think that way and I definitely don’t instinctively think so. Which is why it was so nice – and important- of her to say so. If I ask my GP I imagine he’ll say it’s safe. I’d I ask my rabbi I imagine he’d say not to.

Re the anxiety of going in, I have no way of knowing what will be. Before schools were all closed I took off some mornings work because I was freaking and panicking. Afternoons were somehow okay. I don’t know, can’t think, what it will be like. I really have no idea. Of course, if I go in, and then panic, it’s a no brainer that I wouldn’t go back. Well, now it’s a no brainer. I think.

Do I come first? I don’t honestly believe so. But I’m going to try and act as if it’s so.

Do you believe you come first?

Remember, you, and the people who depend on you (family et al) come first!

Love, light, and glitter

Edit: I’m trying to breathe slowly and stem the panic. I am okay. Telling myself that, and it’s the truth. The panic can come from both – who comes first, or anxiety about going back. Not sure if I am anxious about it. It makes no difference what from just what I do about it.

Gratitude challenge: Day 19

Gratitude Challenge

Day 19: What did you learn last year?

It’s an apropos time for this question.

I learnt how to be just a bit. I learnt how to tune into a source. I learnt to pause before reacting. I learnt some patience. I learnt that life is a journey we’re all travelling on and the point is the journey not the destination. I’ve learnt to keep my boundaries more. I’ve learnt that if I do something negative I can leave it at that, it doesn’t have to mean more. I learnt to live more that I attribute the meaning to anything. I learnt a bit about a source of the world. I learnt… I can go on and on. I’m grateful for all I’ve learnt.

what is one thing (or more 🙂 ) that you’ve learnt?

Gratitude challenge day 19: Sign up to volunteer for a day in your community.

A bit tough to do that at the moment

Love, light, and glitter

Who serves whom?

Just a thought.

If I use (applies to self harm, ED, anything), who is serving who?

Is using serving me, or am I serving using?

Really, in my head it goes

Do I serve (at the alter of) using, or is using serving me?

Who serves whom? Does the Power of Using serve me, or am I serving the Power of Using?

I find that thought quite sobering. I mean figuratively, but literally, too 🙂

Love, light, and glitter

Will acknowledging what I want make it worse?

Someone wrote something to me along these lines and it reminded me of all the times I’ve wondered if I should accept what I want.

There’s an inherent problem with accepting what you want (or what happened, a situation, what you feel et al,), for acceptance requires complete awareness of what is. There’s no way to accept something without knowing all the nuances.

I had an analogy that helped me to explain what I mean. I wake up at night and I’m scared that there is a monster under my bed. So either I can huddle under the covers and hide, or I can look under my bed. If I look under the bed there’s another 2 options. Either I will find that the monster is just a bit of fluff, or the monster, upon seeing me, will drag me under the bed and I’ll have to fight it. Either it’s stronger than me and will win, or I will win.

What happens to the monster under my bed? Hiding is the safest option. I won’t know what is there or what it looks like. Facing it is the better option. But what if it eats me? Maybe there’s a way to create a battle plan. Maybe I can look under the bed dressed in armour. Maybe someone can be on my bed and hold onto me whilst I peek so that if it’s too big for me the person will rescue me and we’ll create a battle plan.

The problem with acceptance and/or letting go is that first we have to face whatever it is that we need to accept/let go of. Be that guilt, addiction, anger, demons in the head, or anything is.

My life really demonstrates that. One of the things I found really hard was that I didn’t ever want to do anything but was just doing it. I never had the choice not to purge, not to self harm, because I only knew that I wanted to because I found myself doing it. I couldn’t choose a different option. To choose another path I had to be aware first of what was going on.

Or take the same principle with guilt. I knew I was guilty for living. There was no way for me to let go of the guilt for I didn’t know where it came from. To let go of it I first had to know why I was guilty, I first had to face the 9 year old Eliza and see what was and let her know it wasn’t her fault. I had to accept the guilt. The only way to do that was through facing it.

There is no way to accept or let go of something if you don’t know what the something is or looks like.

Will acknowledging what I want/feel make it worse?

The problem with acknowledging it is real. If I think about and face just how much I want to destroy myself maybe I will act on it? Maybe I’ll face it and see it isn’t as real as I thought. Alternately, maybe it IS as real and even more real then I knew for I’m always hiding from the intensity.

Journaling is a tool that has always helped me to work through my life. I actually had this exact question recently. I didn’t realise that until this minute. There is a lot of stuff I need to let go of for holding onto it hinders me. I created a space to write about it for I realised having a space to do that would help since writing helps me let go. The problem was that I was then thinking about it all the time. Which harmed me. Thinking about it constantly just made me angry and resentful. I don’t need to do that. I need to feel and face the resentment to let it go. Not to wallow in it. So I had to stop thinking about it too much, and instead just write about it every so often and use just that time, and writing, to feel it, face it, not wallow in it, in order to let it go.

Making it real is good and bad. Making it real, facing it, means you can accept it and move on. But first you have to be strong enough to do that.

What if really it is too big? One option might be looking at it with an professional and hiding the rest of the time. Another option is accountability. Maybe anyone reading this has more options.

Will acknowledging it make it worse? I think the answer is that it can in the short term, but in the long term it’ll make it better for without facing it there’s no knowing what is there and no way to do anything about it.

What do you think?

Love, light, and glitter

Pesach is a time of freedom. Whether or not you celebrate this time, and however you may celebrate, wishing you all freedom from the internal and external shackles that stop you living the life of your dreams.
Day 5 of sefirat haomer

Letter to myself: 3rd April 2020

Dear E

Good morning! Welcome to a new day.

E, I just wanted to tell you that I’m with you, and that you aren’t alone. You’ve got this. There is a lot going on in your head. You don’t have to figure it all out. There is a lot going on in the world and you can’t do anything about it or anything about how your family are acting or reacting. You’re only responsible for your part E, never for anyone else’s.

I love you E, and I’m so grateful that these words can be genuinely said and heard. I don’t know how present you are. More than last night after you cut off from freaking out.

Today is a new day. Filled with endless possibilities. Your only goal for today is to try and be here. And if you do freak out at all to stay present with it for 2 minutes. I know, that is long, before cutting off.

I’m glad you’re here.

Love you.

Always and forever


PS. Just for today, trust yourself and your experiences. Believe what you feel to be reality and accept it as such. For it is real. It is true. What you think, what you do and feel, is your reality.

I’m thinking…. should I discard my stash?

What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you FLY?

I’m thinking, in theory, maybe, perhaps – the theoretically, potentially, possibly, perhaps, kinda maybe – to ask my friend to throw away the cocodamol I have in my draw when I’m away. It’s just a thought. It would probably be good for me not to have 1k++ in my draw. If only I’d have that in money!!! It’s something I’m thinking about. I saw randomly, I can’t recall where, that I’d given myself a deadline I wanted to do it by. I’ve passed that deadline. I told L I would (I’m thinking about it!!) and haven’t yet.

It always gave me security. Knowing I can fall back on it. Do I want to know I can fall back on it? I needed to know I could in the past. Do I need to know? Do I want that to be my security blanket???

So, I’m thinking. Actually not consciously thinking about it. I know that if I want to I’ll have to just do it. Just jump, and trust that I’ll fly.

What if I fall? Oh, darling, what if you fly?
On blue would background.
Sometimes you have to just take a leap of faith.
Sometimes, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Without thinking about it so much. For otherwise the fear will override all.

I’m thinking… 🙂

Love, light, and glitter