TW: Thinking about the thoughts of using.

Trigger warning. Please do not read this if it could trigger or disrupt you in any way.

I was thinking. About how much I think about using cocodamol. Just a few. Just to see if it helps. I liked bgddyjim’s post. It got me thinking. How using, which I think of so often, even just to see, will ultimately end in suicide. Well, I’ve always known that.

I realised that thinking of using is an instinctive thought. And it makes sense it is so instinctive because it is something that has helped me in the past and would help me in the present. I know if I start it’ll end up with suicide because eventually I’ll go back to the plan I had (which involved using), which however much is/was designed to fail, it was designed with different things in mind and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. The thoughts of self harming (which are pretty much as constant as using – it goes, I wonder what would happen if I use or self harm) are more real, especially because, well, no because. It’s just that I do more. I’ve not done anything that would scar and I hope I don’t – I really don’t want more scars. I guess self harming doesn’t take me down the same tracks (to suicide) as using does. And I don’t count anything I do to myself as anything related to self harm. (I guess yay me for finally acknowledging that what I do probably comes under the category of self harm – even if and though I dont think that’s really why I’m doing it.) I guess it’s a bit like my issues with food. It’s not okay and will have to change one day but I’m leaving it on the backburner and not making it into a bigger deal than it is, and when I can deal with it I will.

My goal for the new year is to by the end of the next year have thrown away all that I have collected. Thinking about it, I haven’t bought any more in a long while. Thinking of using can be really real. I can and do visualise myself taking some. Opening a box and taking a few. I can feel, smell and sorta taste it. More often than I’d like. But in reality it isn’t what I want.

More than I want to use, I want to be okay.  More than I want to cut off from it – my world, life, everything – I want to be present and learn to live with all that I don’t know. So, it’s the realisation. That I’ve been thinking of using lots, and it’s quote on quote normal. It makes sense that I’ll think of doing something that helped me in the past and would help me. It doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. It doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It doesn’t have to define me.

And I get to choose. I have a choice. I choose, for this moment in time, I choose life. I choose, for this moment in time, to see all the possibilities, all that could be. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe in hope, in change, in growth, in a future. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe that I’m worthy of that future and that even if I don’t deserve it, I can get to live with it anyways. I choose life. For this moment I choose life.

Bridges we build

Bridges.

Bridges. Bridges. Bridges

The first bridge that comes to mind is the golden gate bridge in San Francisco

Image of the golden gate bridge

I was planning on writing a bridges post in response to Kate’s Friday Fun Challenge. I was specifically thinking about the bridges we build in relationships, how we mend them and repair them. How the bridges make the relationship that bit stronger.

Bridges take us from one place to another. From one world to another. They help us enter arenas we never dreamed possible.

Then I remembered this Ted talk that I once listened to and found inspiring, by Kevin Briggs. He worked by the Golden Gate bridge and was often there to give someone a reason not to jump. The bridge between suicide and life. It feels like the perfect thing to share.

Bridges. So long as we can build bridges, anything is possible.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

Song of the day: Here for a reason – Ashes Remain

This song has been playing in my head…

Lyrics

You are not forgotten
You are not alone
You think you’re worthless but you’re worth it
And he calls you his own
Made in his image
You were made for more
You think there is no plan that it’s all by chance
But don’t believe that anymore

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There’s purpose for your life
So don’t give up
Don’t lay down
Just hold on
Don’t quite now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are
Here for a reason
You’re, you’re
Here for a reason

If you’ve spent your days
Just getting by
When you feel useless he can use you
And show you what it means to be alive (alive)

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There’s purpose for your life
So don’t give up
Don’t lay down
Just hold on
Don’t quite now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are
Here for a reason

Every day
Is a gift from above
Don’t throw it away
When it feels like too much He’ll be there

Every time that you wake up breathing
Every night when you close your eyes
Every day that your heart keeps beating
There’s purpose for your life
So don’t give up
Don’t lay down
Just hold on
Don’t quite now
Every breath that you take has meaning
You are
Here for a reason

You’re worth it

I hope this link will work. This seriously brought me to tears.

You are worth it

It’s so hard to believe. To look past all that the world portray. The media. People. My own words enemy is myself.

You are worth it. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing anyone says. Nothing anyone does. You are worth it just coz you are, just coz you exist.