Is suicide the solution?

Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.

Hope is the little voice you hear whisper maybe when it seems the entire world is shouting no. (Google image)

Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.

The journey is the destination.

I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.

You are worth it (google image)

Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.

More than I’m grateful to be alive I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive.

For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.

Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.

My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.

It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.

Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.

Love, light, and glitter

Suicideforum.com/community is an awesome peer support that I’m grateful for.

Metanoia – suicide – read this first

A reason

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I can’t go to sleep…

So am writing. I need to sleep.

I’ve a phone therapy appointment tomorrow that I don’t know anything about. The referral is from last year. I don’t know if I want therapy. But being open to the universe and all, if the universe sends me something I’ll take it. Or at least look at it.

I ate more today. Ate junk too which got rid of. It feels good and bad to be able to eat. I want a life of recovery. I also want to stay away from food.

My friend in crisis is doing okay. I’m there for her. Have been a lot. Never beyond my boundaries. A lot of time and just being there, here.

Brought a friend brownies and a keyring and spoke to her from my car. It was good to see her. Really good.

Hope to run tomorrow more so really need my energy and before that I have an appointment and after that I have a few phone calls I need to make.

May go back to work a bit. I’m sad about that. I don’t want to work…………………

I made someone anxious with an innocent comment:(

I don’t really know what anxiety is like for I cut off from it. It’s not a choice I make. When it’s too much it’s just no longer there.

I’m using my battery which I need for the call tomorrow morning and then the running.

Love, light and glitter

Dialogue with myself re self harm

I wrote this out last night (including these bracketed annotations that explain all that I mean), and it got deleted (thanks wordpress), so I’m writing it out again. I wrote to myself which didn’t help at all, so decided to try this.

Eliza, what is going on?

I want to burn myself

So why aren’t you?

Coz’ I’ll take cocodamol so that I can go far enough. It doesn’t count as burning if I don’t blister

So why don’t you (take cocodamol)?

Do I want to use cocodamol?

You tell me.

I don’t know. Both (yes and no).

Why do you (want to use cocodamol and burn)?

I’m tired of holding on. It’s endless, so whatever, so I’ll use and go back there (to where I want 2 years ago) and I won’t stop (using).

Why don’t you want to (use cocodamol and burn)?

I don’t want to go back there.

Back where?

I like being present

Which do you rather (using/self harm or being present)?

Being present

So you know what you want.

I still want to burn myself.

I know. And you’re choosing being present over that.

Is it worth it (to choose being present and not to burn)?

You’re the only one who can answer that. Is it worth it?

I don’t want to go back there (to the life I was leading when I was OD’ing daily and not eating, to living the edge, playing both sides of life and death).

So you’ve answered and chosen.

I still want to (burn myself).

I know. It’s confusing to want both so much.

Not confusing. Just is.

What just is?

Everything

Can you break that down?

I don’t want to burn. I need to.

Okay.

It’s not.

It is okay. You need to burn. Why do you need to?

That’s not important.

What do you need more? To burn or to stay in the present?

It’s all a dream anyways (I kinda feel like it’s a bit of a dream, I guess not fully present all the time). To stay in the present. But I’m choosing to use and burn instead.

Oh, Eliza. I love you. Why would you choose that when you’ve just said it’s something you don’t want?

I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting it (what I want – constantly). Of letting it be. Of acknowledging it. Of moving on. I want to just engage with it. I need to just engage with it. Or let it take over. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

Is it worth it (to give in)?

No. But that’s not really relevant if it’s what I choose to do.

So why are you choosing that?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can go to bed. And then I’ll know I’ve failed.

Eliza, not using, not burning, is courageous and brave. You’re not a failure if you don’t harm yourself. Asides Eliza, it’s been nearly 2 years, asides from yesterday (since you’ve used anything in this way, and since you’ve engaged with self harm in a way that’ll scar), do you want to give that up?

I’ve already given it up (by burning yesterday and taking paracetamol to help me go further). So yes.

Eliza, I know you can do it. Just know that whatever you do I love you and am with you, and you always have another choice. Every moment is a new choice.

I know. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is any choice.

I hear. I know. Something there isn’t choice (like when you burned before you were aware of what you were doing). You need to then find where the choice lies and act on your choices when you have a choice. Every moment is another moment you get to choose, and chart the path of life. I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always. Always and forever.

Random ramblings 89. Part 2 (teaching)

The number 89 is arbitrary. Just the number I chose on. I always title my random ramblings with numbers. Like 27615, 289201, 58217. I could find them all, but…. ya know.

Change. Life is full of change. And I’m seeing the change. I’m seeing the positive. Yet. Yet. Yet. I guess this is why I thought the first post would be negative. It’s not the negativity. It’s the, the everything?

I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. I’ve started a pilates class which I’ll either be continuing or I won’t. It depends on the people doing the class, they seem to be uninterested in continuing, but it’s a group I really like, so if they do it, I’ll do it. I hope they do! I’ve joined a krav maga introductory class. I’m really loving it! I know I’ve only been to 2 classes, and there are only 2 more. I’m hoping there are more after this. I really like the instructor. I definitely find it hard to envision people and the need for it. Especially because I really believe that most people are good and that there most likely won’t be a need for it. But it’s fun. I’m looking forward to the next classes. I’m studying for a level 5 course. Supposedly doing assignments – although I’m not really doing it very much. Hopefully it’ll be done by the end of the year. And I’m working. I feel like I’m failing my students. Realistically speaking I can see that they have learned since the beginning of the year. I just see where I want them to be. Where they need to get to. How far they are from there. And I wonder if they’ll do better with another teacher. I know that for some of them what I teach is invaluable. Nearly half the lesson every day with one group is spent on discussing the feelings that is going on. How do we talk. The frustration. This group are finally settling down to learn though. I know that we do is worth it. They just aren’t where they’re meant to be. They’re not progressing as much as they can. And it is my fault. I need to be preparing more than I am. Find more games. It’s not true. I’m blaming myself for what isn’t my fault. With some of my other groups they’re learning, but what we’re learning is all what they are meant to have learned a year ago. I wonder if the way I’m teaching them is right. If really I should just go forward and let them pick it up on the way. And I know that they’re getting the grounding they need to. I know that all the students I teach, when they leave, they really know what they’ve been taught. They can use and apply whatever they’ve learned. I know it logically. Seeing it day to day, seeing how I’m going over the same things again, and again, and again, is tough. Though today I got a love letter from one of my students that I haven’t yet read. I guess it tells me I’m doing something right even if I find it hard to see. There is only one group of students who have learned, and/but they’re bright so there is nothing I’ve done for it.

My plan of action for group 1 is to first of all continue forward. Everything we learn new is going to take forever, so even though they’re not fully confident on what we’ve learned so far, go forward and keep going backwards too. Find worksheets, games and activities on what we’ve learned.

My plan of action for group 2 is easy. They’re bright and even though some of them take time to grasp new material, they learn, and they know. Keep on :).

Group 3, again create games and activities. Also go backwards. Bring to school what I bought for them and do the rainbow arc with them every day.

Group 4, again games and activities, on a higher level then the prior group.

Teaching anyone? I’ll look up some activities and resources now, and then maybe I’ll continue to a part 3, or I won’t. We’ll see.

If anyone teaches reading to anyone, and has ideas or strategies for teaching I’d love to hear.

Love, light and glitter

Random ramblings 89. Part 1

I don’t really know what I want this post to be about. Or what it will be about. Hence the title.

My world is a pretty weird place at the moment. And there is a knock on the door. But I’m not sure who is there. I’ll go see if it’s someone I’m happy to answer to.

Okay, random ramblings. I don’t even know where to start. This is completely for me. Because I haven’t been journaling at all recently. Journaling is good for me. It helps me put down what I’m thinking. Sometimes when I reread what I’ve written in the past I’m surprised at the insight I had. The knowledge I wasn’t aware I possessed. Which I see in the words. Journaling helps me to make sense of what is going on in my head. It categorises it, and puts it into words. Which is also why often I can’t journal. For there is too much there to be able to start. And I’m someone who goes with the flow. I write. Or I don’t write. I am. Or I’m not.

I don’t know what I think. What I want.

I was realising something over the weekend. That I don’t want to be here in 5 years time. I can’t envision myself living for yet another 5 years. Not in a ‘I want to die’ kind of way. Just that, another 5 years? Of life? What for? Why on earth would I do that? It made me realise that there is lots that needs to change. There needs to be meaning and purpose. I don’t mind living for today. I’m happy to live for today. Well, most the time I’m happy to live for today. For the day. And it’s about both. About both being okay with the present and with the future. I can’t envision a future. A future I haven’t yet created. And it needs to change. And I need to accept that the way I work is the way I work, and it’s a process, and, it will change. It really and truly will change.

Change. I’m seeing a lot how things have changed recently. I mean that recently I’m seeing it. One of the areas this is most pronounced is with touch. One of my friends used to touch me in order to get the kick of seeing me tense involuntarily. I want touch. I like touch. If I’m freaking out I probably won’t want anyone to touch me. Yet, I’m touching my friends a lot nowadays. They’re touching me too. In a normal, healthy, way. One of my friends said to me recently something about knowing I don’t like her touching me, and I thought, huh? I don’t mind touching you, I’d love to. I’m seeing change in the thought of relationships with people. I don’t know if I’d want to get married or not, but I want the connection of a relationship with someone. I don’t want the intimacy, yet I can imagine that I’d be ready for that part of a relationship for the others sake. It doesn’t draw me or have any sort of pull to me at all. I wonder if that would change if I’m in such a relationship. Or not. I actually really want a relationship with someone else. The connection. It doesn’t need to be intense. Scrap that. I need a relationship that is intense in the love, the care, and the reality, but that is really grounded, down to earth, present and fun. I don’t know if I care if it’s with a male or female. Although if I believe judaism to be true, I’d first date a male. I don’t really care for marriage either, though again, if I believe judaism to be true I’d presumably eventually marry.

Change. I saw it today. It was a random realisation when I arranged to have a sorta friend teach me hebrew. I was realising that eventually we’ll become friends. This is a person who I’ve a very light, fun relationship with. There’s nothing intense and I can’t imagine that she is someone I’ll ever share the intensity of my life with. Yet I can imagine being friends with her. (having another friend who is around 40). It’s a fun, easy, relaxed relationship. I taught her ‘hello, hello, hello, sir’. She was singing the hebrew playground songs she grew up with to me. It was strange because just the other day I was discussing relationships with someone and saying that the goal is not to define yourself by your intensity but to be able to have relationships that aren’t based on that. And I was saying that I can’t yet do that. All my friends are intense. All my friends have struggled – even if and though I’ve not necessarily discussed it ever with them. I was saying how the goal is to be able to have all relationships. Both the intense – as long as they’re healthy and balanced, and the non-intense and fun. It was actually surprising for me to then see today that I actually do.

I didn’t plan on rambling this stuff 🙂 I thought my post would be negative. I’m not in a negative space. I was just thinking it’s negative because I don’t know how to name this head-space, or define what it is. Because it’s just, different. And I haven’t journaled in so long…… really I should probably end this post here and start another one so that it isn’t too long…

So long as there’s life, there’s hope. (that’s for you L!)

Love, light and glitter