Sitting with reality

Something just happened. It huts too close to home for me to write about it yet. And, I don’t know how to handle it or what to do with myself. I don’t feel anything for it would hurt too much so it doesn’t yet hurt at all.

Just sitting with it
Just being with it
The I don’t know what to do with myself
I DON’T know what to do with myself .
Too much
Too big
I don’t know what to do.
Just be with it
Just let it be
The too much
The emptiness
The lack
The shaking
The nothingness
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t need to know.
I don’t need to act on it.
I don’t need to make it okay
For it just isn’t okay.
I don’t need to do anything.
There isn’t anything to do
Just be
Just let it be
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe I don’t need to know
Maybe, just maybe,
I don’t need to do anything
Maybe I can lie here
And do nothing, knowing that
I don’t know what to do with myself
And I don’t need to know. Maybe.

I find it a little funny how sometimes I talk such sense. Funny because I’m living it. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I’m just stating for now with the not knowing. I find it kinda funny how in some ways I talk and live such sense, when I’m also destroying myself.

I don’t know what to do with myself. And for the past few hours I’ve just stayed with it. With the not knowing. Without acting on it. Just doing nothing. And being unsure what on earth to do. And doing nothing. Just being with it.

Random thoughts

I don’t know if I should write this or not. But it’s probably better to than thinking about it.

Just a lot of thoughts coming together to create a picture.

Yesterday I was telling my sister that my parents should have known I was physically sensitive. I didn’t know this until a couple weeks ago when my mother was telling someone that when I was a baby she took me to the hospital because of a rash. Which turned out to be from a cream (designed for babies). I never knew until now that she’d always had factual proof that I was sensitive.

Now I was thinking about places. How when there is a lack of air concentration I get dizzy. The problem I have is that I don’t notice the gradual onset. I don’t notice the dizziness until it’s extreme – until I’m shaky, light headed and sweaty. I’ve learned from experience that it has to do with the air concentration. I know some places that bring it on. Some shops I know must have different pairs because I get dizzy there and not in other indoor closed places.

I don’t notice anything physically until it’s extreme. The other examples I wouldn’t really write here. It’s also partly why I don’t really know what goes on in my body emotionally. I don’t experience emotions as it is, but you’d think I’d see it in my body. I’m slowly learning to, but the thing is that I don’t recognise anything.

When I saw my GP about a year ago maybe. He took my blood pressure/pulse and then he asked me if I was dizzy at all. Uh, no. I didn’t recognise any dizziness. Because I wasn’t blacking at all. My vision wasn’t blurring. I wasn’t shaky or lightheaded. There was no really visible physical clue, and if it’s not really visible, how would I know it? I’ve learned to ignore anything physical. I had to.

When I was younger my father would flick my cheek. It was his way of demonstrating love. I asked him repeatedly – almost every single time I think – not to. Because it hurt. He just did it. He was trying to show his love. But he wasn’t doing that. Reminds me actually how he always said my kisses were really light and gentle. To me they weren’t. With hindsight I can see that what to me was giving a real kiss would be really gentle to another person.

One of my sisters told me one of the reasons she found it really tough with me was because of my physical sensitivity. When she’d bump into me I’d get really upset at her hurting me. When she didn’t do anything.

Everyone always told me I was just being sensitive. That what I was saying wasn’t true. I learned to believe them. In some ways I still believe them. Although now I know logically I’m not just being sensitive.

The last time my sister – a different one – bumped into me and was surprised at how strongly I reacted, I later showed her the bruise she’d left. She hadn’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t at all upset with her. I just wanted her to see that I wasn’t overreacting. When I carry heavy bags i get Mark’s, which I’ve learned are the blood capillaries broken from carrying things too heavy. It might not be too heavy for most people. For me it is.

For some reason my friends just accept and know it. It’s a non issue with them. If we go shopping my friends will most likely take the bags even if I protest. They’ll open the bottles. It’s just a non issue. Whereas with my family it is an issue. They’ll be upset if I don’t carry more than I can (I ended up having everything drop all over the other day because I was trying to bring in what I couldn’t). They’re not being ‘wrong’. They’re just believing all that they’ve always known. That I’m ‘just being sensitive’. Like sensitivity isn’t real. Because sensitivity isn’t real, is it?


I just answered the phone and said this to a friend. She said not they should’ve known, they could’ve known. And yes, whatever else.

When I was 20 E was the first person to tell me that boundaries can exist. Should exist. That you need to listen to the other. I’m surprised I recall her email. She wrote that if her 3 year old grandchild would tell her the bath was too hot she would add cold water to it. She was explaining that she would listen. That one should listen. I’m surprised I recall it. But I guess it makes sense I do. I definitely didn’t expect her to say that she’d act on it. I’d have thought she’d say no it isn’t. Or even it just feels too hot and you’ll get used to it. Or something like that. But no. She would listen. And act on it.

She said that she would knock on her child/grandchilds door, and if they asked her not to come in she wouldn’t. It took me until I was 22 to learn that my thinking things weren’t okay was because they weren’t okay. Not because I was just being sensitive. That people should respect my boundaries.

Hey, off tangent thought. I’m okay with touch from my friends. I’m not okay with touch from some people. It used to be an issue, that I wasn’t okay with touch. I think it’s that, I’m not okay with people who don’t respect my boundaries touching me.

More than I was hurt by the lack of boundaries, I was hurt by being told it was my issue. I always knew that what my mother did or said wasn’t healthy – she’s changed a lot so I feel bad writing this. My father telling me every time I went to him that I was just being sensitive or some variation of that, taught me not to trust myself. Taught me that I’m just being sensitive. That’s also why it took me until I was 22 to know that I’m allowed to have boundaries. That it’s not okay for someone to get upset with me when I’ve asked them not to enter. That it’s not okay to look for things in your adult child’s bag, no matter if what you want is innocent. You can’t go somewhere without asking. I never looked at my mother as a barometer. For anything and everything was always ‘not’. Whatever I said either wasn’t so or was me just being sensitive.

My mother isn’t a bad person. She was brought up by survivors and is learning only now to change the patterns she was raised with. It was easier for her to live in denial of what was going on (how do you face your special needs daughter saying she’s going to kill herself and it’s the families fault? How do you deal with your child killing herself albeit not knowing the risks of what they’re doing because they’re 14? How do you deal with the sibling rivalry that developed into so much more? Etc). She’s learning and been changing the past 5 years.

I looked at my father as the barometer. Because however much denial he lived in, he was definitely in a healthier place. I see now that it’s a dynamic and both my parents are imperfectly perfect. As a kid I always knew that I could approach my father, not my mother. Except that I couldn’t approach him. For instead of helping me deal with anything I asked him advice about he said I’m just being sensitive and it’s my issue. Which I believed. Because it’s my father who was talking. My father who I always idealised.

One of my sisters say it isn’t fair how we all put my mother in the wrong and my father in the right when really they’re both human. I’m not sure that she is right, because, however much I don’t trust my instincts and intuition today, I trust my child knowledge. The younger E knew that my father could be approached. The younger E who hadn’t yet learned that expressing herself is wrong and whatever she says is anyways untrue, knew that her father held the answers. Not because she looked at her father as big and strong but because she knew that her father was healthier.


Whatever. I’m not sure if I should post this. At least it’s not all just in my head. And I’m not feeling as resentful and upset as I started off before putting it down.

The why and wherefore make no difference. Yes it helps to understand why I don’t trust myself (I’ve known it for a long time now). Yes, it helps to know why I struggle with boundaries. The why doesn’t change what is today. Resentment only hurts me. Writing about it helps because I’m expressing it so it’s no longer in my head.

And the reality of today is the reality of today. I don’t trust myself. I’m learning to. I don’t trust my knowledge or my intuition. I’m learning to. Surprisingly others trust my intuition about them, believe I know way more than I do ‘because they know me’. They trust the knowledge I don’t believe is true. I don’t know what I feel pretty much ever. Though the further away it is from me, the more I can feel it. And the more I tune in and allow myself to experience whatever is going on, the more I am experiencing it. The more present I am staying with myself. (Which is how I’m aware that I’m so much on edge. Either I never was on edge, or I just didn’t live with myself). I’m not always present. I’m more and more present both in the world and with myself. I’m not aware of the physical messages my body sends me. I am aware. I’m tuning in and noticing things I wouldn’t have in the past. Like a knee twinge so stop holding myself the way I am. When in the past I wouldn’t have.

The why may give context for myself. The why doesn’t take away my responsibility today. That my reality today is my reality to deal with. The only person holding onto resentment hurts is myself. And, mostly, this is something I can let go of, and for the most part (taking specifically about this) have. Understanding my context helps me understand theirs. Doesn’t take away others responsibilities, but the responsibility isn’t mine.

This is more than long enough. And wasn’t actually what I planned on writing.

This really is 3 different posts. But because I’m writing it for me, (posting because I want a record of it, for now anyways I do) and this isn’t really the topic of my blog, so keeping it as is.

Gratitude challenge: Day 12

Gratitude Challenge

Day 12: What and how did you overcome recently?

The question reminds me of this song.

Overcoming. I find the word weird. I’d love to hear your answers!

The biggest thing I’ve overcome recently is living with an eating disorder. If the question wasn’t recently I’d answer with something different. For the past couple of months I’ve been eating foods that I haven’t in years. When I stopped eating a few years ago I didn’t eat anything for a few months and then slowly started eating more and more, and then I’d cycle between obsessively eating only really healthy foods, eating way too much or what felt like way too much, doing something about it, and not eating, then having to get myself to eat again when I couldn’t handle it – not eating makes me dizzy and spiral.

How do I know this isn’t part of the cycle when any part of the cycle could last from a few days to a few months? I know it isn’t because I’m eating foods I haven’t eaten in years. Foods that make no sense to have been on my banned list, but the list was arbitrary. I don’t know why all the foods were on there. And I eat so few foods as it is, nothing to do with eating disorders, that having even one food on there limits my options, like, a lot.

It just feels different now. There’s no obsessiveness, which, regardless what part of the cycle I was at, there always was. I’ve gained some weight, and although I want to lose it so that my clothes can fit, I’m okay with it. For this moment I don’t hate my body and am just okay. I want to be healthy to take care of myself, not as an ED.

I know I can slip up. Same way that a few months ago I messed up. After 2 years of not self harming in a way that’s obviously self harm, and 2 years of no using cocodamol, I did. I burned and used for a month. That doesn’t mean I didn’t stop. It doesn’t mean I won’t slip up here too. Especially when it comes to a few months time which is when I originally stopped eating, or the new year which has always been triggering. It means that for now I’m really grateful to be here, where I am. It means that for now I’m grateful I’m living beyond eating disordered behaviour or thinking, and whilst ever it is, I’m grateful for it.

Gratitude challenge day 12: Recognise today as a gift.

In my last coronavirus quotes post I share a video of a woman dressing up to throw out the garbage.

The UK is in lockdown from today. I’m actually really grateful for that. That it is. It eases some of the anxiety I’ve been living with. The fear of catching it and passing it on to my vulnerable sister or parents who aren’t yet elderly.

I loved the video. I haven’t been going out since Thursday but I’ve been getting dressed every day. I’m not putting on makeup because my eyes are sore, but hopefully when they’re healed, I can spend time doing that. Being on lockdown doesn’t mean spending all day every day in pjs. Or, it can. Or it can mean dressing up for oneself. Dressing up to face a new day. Either just getting dressed, or completely dressing up.

Today is a gift. I’m so grateful to be here today.

More than I'm grateful to be alive, I'm grateful that I'm grateful to be alive.

Here, where I am. Here, in this world. Someone has been talking to me in the last few days. She often has but usually she’d want me to be there after the fact. Listening to her now shows me where I was. The freaking out and inability to handle a single moment of being. I’m not where I want to be. Although I’m learning that wherever I am is where I want to be.

The journey is the destination.

The journey is the destination

That the journey is the destination. That the struggle is where life is. That the changes are by the way.

Life. Life is a gift. A gift I’m not necessarily always grateful for. A gift nonetheless. A gift I sometimes really appreciate. Hey, maybe it really did help to write every night as I used to ‘god, thank you for another day of life’ even when I didn’t want it. At all. Life is a gift.

There is so much I want to learn. One day I’d love to know what I feel when I feel it. One day I’d love to know what I believe when I decide it’s the right time to work it through. One day I’d love all my perceptions and choices to be based on the present, not the past. One day I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. One day. One day I’d love to live in the present, as this year is about not overthinking, just being. Every day, every single day, on the way to the ‘there’, is a gift. The journey is a gift I’m grateful for. And the ‘there’ constantly changes. There is always further to go. There is always more to learn, more to give, more to be. The ‘there’ is the now.

Life is a gift. And today, today is a gift.

Today’s gratitude challenge is to recognise today as a gift.

Today is a gift. It may be harder to recognise with the lockdown. Or maybe the lockdown will give time to really be, and appreciate the gift of today. The gift of every day.

I’m looking forward for the time. The time to spend with my family. The time to be. The time to listen to classes I always want to but have never had time to focus on. I’m grateful for time.

Wasn’t my plan to ramble anything for this, so going to leave it here. That for today I’m going to try and recognise today as a gift.


Love, light, and glitter

Gratitude challenge: Day 1

Gratitude Challenge

Gratitude question: What moments are you grateful for?
Gratitude challenge: Write down three things that you are thankful for.

These can be answered any way wished. I’d love to see your answers… if you join please share your posts or link it so I can read it. I’m aiming to do the challenge for 3 days this week and three days next, then hopefully for 5 days going forward. Join whenever you wish, and have fun!

Day 1: Write down 3 things you are thankful for?

  • Nature
  • Connection
  • That I now want touch – even if I can’t ask for it or get it.

Day 1: What moments are you grateful for?

Moments
I’m grateful for moments of beauty
Moments in nature
The times I get to see
The full picture.
I’m grateful for the moments of life
That are living reality
Particularly for the moments
I’m able to just be.
Every moment is a journey
One I want to be thankful for
Take a breath and say
I want life – for sure.

Moments.

Some of the moments I’m grateful for in pictures.



Love, light and glitter

Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened?

I planned on writing a F:AK post today but forgot about it because I haven’t been feeling great. There went desert for this shabbat πŸ™‚ but I have the ingredients to make it next week.

Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened? I don’t mean dissociation or amnesia due to disassociation. I mean like, I went on a private online journal I had to write and saw I’d written this morning and was like ‘what, I didn’t write this morning’, then remembered that I had, and then recalled writing on my phone. Well, I didn’t and don’t really recollect writing on my phone, I remember some of it. And know that it was on my phone since I don’t have my laptop. It’s also like, I know I burned myself last Friday night, but I know that because I saw that I’d written it. And now that I saw that I’d written it I actually remember what I did (actually nothing much at all), which is memory for I didn’t write it all down. But I wouldn’t have known about it if I hadn’t seen it written there and actually had forgotten about it.

It’s why, a couple of years ago I made a rule for myself that I couldn’t/shouldn’t write anything or text anyone or do anything in the middle of the night. For I’d done enough stupid things when I’d woken up at night that in the light of day were regrettable. Some regrettable, and some completely unnecessary if I was anyways going to fall asleep soon enough and not really recall what was the next day. Like, if alcohol was something I used, it’d be a waste of time to drink it if I would fall asleep and it’d have made no difference to my life, whereas if in the day I wanted to, it’d be a conscious choice.

I guess it’s that I’m not fully present at certain times – in the night/morning/awake or whatever. I don’t really think it happens other times. It’s just, I don’t really know what to make of it, and by writing this I’m actually acknowledging it, though probably also making it into a much bigger deal than it really is. For it’s not like it’s a part of my regular life. It’s not like I live this way, which, I used to live in a world where I wasn’t present and wondered if I were really real. It’s not like that now. I don’t know. I’m trying to backtrack on what I’m saying and explain what I mean but I’m not sure if this is making much sense to anyone but myself. It’s also that, it’s not really a part of my usual life, it’s only when I’m a mess – which for the most part however much I’m not especially where I want to be, I don’t consider that mess to be my everyday life.

This week I really haven’t used anything or self harmed at all. I don’t know what tonight/tomorrow brings, and I guess we’ll find out.

Happy weekend! Shabbat shalom πŸ™‚ Spread the sunshine, glitter and sparkle…..

Love, light and glitter

Hello hello hello sir

I haven’t messed up this week at all. No burning. No cocodamol to help me burn. Which, I was every day/evening until now. I don’t want to jinx it. I’m not committing to anything, but, I like it this way. It means sleeping less – not been sleeping well, and at some point I have to deal with everything else and why – what lies behind it all. I’m grateful for this. Especially coz there is so much going on and I’m grateful that I can be present.

Arranged for dermatology appointment on Monday. Kinda nervous for it coz of all the scars. Because they aren’t scars yet since they’re not healed. I wish it were my legs then it wouldn’t be seen… passed experience at these services before means it will be seen and I really don’t want it. Not sure what I can do…

Ps. The title has no connection, just wasn’t sure what to title this.

Love, light and glitter

What is reality?

I often say things, say I think xyz, and, I wonder if it’s true or not. Say last night I was writing that I want to trigger myself into using.I was wondering afterwards if I did want to, or if I was just writing that I did. If it was true or not. Because, I just don’t connect to it. It’s just not real.

I could say now anything. I want to fly to the moon. I want to hold my niece. I want to spiral. I want to go on a date. I want to go shopping. I don’t connect to any of the statements. They’re not really there. Though the ‘hold my niece’ rings true somewhere, I’m not sure where though. I’m often unsure when I say something, if it’s reality, or if I’m just saying it, to say it, for whatever reason there might possibly be to say it.

It’s funny. When AH was my therapist he used to talk about reality or lack thereof. And I never knew what he was on about. Like when he told me he thought I should really be seeing someone in real life rather than skyping him, because real life would be grounding as there is so little there as it is. Or when he told me he was touched I wanted to fly to see him, he saw it as moving how I wanted that reality. (and that’s when we ended/wrecked therapy between us).

I used to wonder if I was real or not. Thankfully those days are long gone. I’m way more present than I was. And I think I really am present with the world. And myself. More than I used to be. I don’t know if I’ve ever been more present than this. I don’t know if I’ve ever stopped wondering what or what I say is real or not. Although I used to wonder if what I was doing was real too, like if I really wanted to do it, or if I’d just thought I wanted to and thereby acted on it (although honestly that was nonsense, because there was no ‘thought’ before. There was just the act on it. The using. The self harm. With no pause or choice beforehand).

Image result for what is reality

I don’t know what of what I say is real or what I’m just saying. And, I really, really really really, don’t like it.

When I speak to SG2 – she does energy healing/dowsing and whatever stuff that you either do or don’t believe her – I often ask her if it is or isn’t real. If I’m ever shaking when on the phone to her I ask her if I’m creating it or not. If I’m just deciding to shake or if that’s what my body really wants. Because I can just stop it if I want. If I think something, I really easily change. Like once I’ve journaled it through then I just don’t want it and because there was no connection to it to start with, who said it was ever there? I flip really easily between modes. (Thankfully it’s really not like what it used to be. Just flip a switch and be way beyond and then just cut off from it. When I flip between modes now I’m seeing both sides a lot earlier. Like when I freak out and can’t breathe. I can’t breathe but it’s not that bad. And then it can really easily just suddenly be okay.)

I’m guessing this is just a pretty incoherent rant. That’s not going to tell me anything I don’t know or change anything at all. For I still often wonder how I know what’s real for me. And I don’t know. Other than that I’m saying it. Which half the time I don’t connect to and the other half the time changes. Will I ever know what reality is? Yeah, I guess I will. I’ll know it when I connect to myself enough. Which I’m guessing will/can happen one day. Though I’m not sure what it would take to ever get to that place of being in tune enough. I do often enough just ‘know’ things. Which of course I wonder if my knowledge is correct, because I don’t know how I know. I hate now knowing what reality is. I hate that I question myself and my knowledge so much, too. Which, just is.

What is reality

As an aside, my laptop battery charger isn’t charging the battery but keeping it at the same percentage, and when I take it out the battery lessens, and then the charger keeps it at the same percentage when plugged in. I wonder if it’s a battery fault – in which case I need a new battery – a charger fault, or a socket fault. (I just need a way to end what I wrote as I don’t know how to do so, so random info here goes).

Love, light and glitter

Moments

Moments

Moments in time

Everything is but a moment in time

The moments

The moments of peace

Moments of chaos

Moments of serenity

Moments of danger

Moments of light

Moments of darkness

Moments of joy

Moments of fury

Moments of calm

Moments of panic

Moments

Life is but a moment.

A moment i ntime

A moment of meaning

Meaning we attribute

A moment in time

No moment is the whole

No moment defines me

Everything is but a moment

Moments forming a tapestry

A tapestry of time

Moments in time

In time that passes

Nothing lasts forever

Nothing can last eternally

Everything is but a moment

A moment in time

A moment of life

Some moments are shorter

Some moments are longer

Yet they’re all just

A moment

But a moment in time

Google image result for moments in time
Thank you Sir Google for this image.