TW: Thinking about the thoughts of using.

Trigger warning. Please do not read this if it could trigger or disrupt you in any way.

I was thinking. About how much I think about using cocodamol. Just a few. Just to see if it helps. I liked bgddyjim’s post. It got me thinking. How using, which I think of so often, even just to see, will ultimately end in suicide. Well, I’ve always known that.

I realised that thinking of using is an instinctive thought. And it makes sense it is so instinctive because it is something that has helped me in the past and would help me in the present. I know if I start it’ll end up with suicide because eventually I’ll go back to the plan I had (which involved using), which however much is/was designed to fail, it was designed with different things in mind and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. The thoughts of self harming (which are pretty much as constant as using – it goes, I wonder what would happen if I use or self harm) are more real, especially because, well, no because. It’s just that I do more. I’ve not done anything that would scar and I hope I don’t – I really don’t want more scars. I guess self harming doesn’t take me down the same tracks (to suicide) as using does. And I don’t count anything I do to myself as anything related to self harm. (I guess yay me for finally acknowledging that what I do probably comes under the category of self harm – even if and though I dont think that’s really why I’m doing it.) I guess it’s a bit like my issues with food. It’s not okay and will have to change one day but I’m leaving it on the backburner and not making it into a bigger deal than it is, and when I can deal with it I will.

My goal for the new year is to by the end of the next year have thrown away all that I have collected. Thinking about it, I haven’t bought any more in a long while. Thinking of using can be really real. I can and do visualise myself taking some. Opening a box and taking a few. I can feel, smell and sorta taste it. More often than I’d like. But in reality it isn’t what I want.

More than I want to use, I want to be okay.  More than I want to cut off from it – my world, life, everything – I want to be present and learn to live with all that I don’t know. So, it’s the realisation. That I’ve been thinking of using lots, and it’s quote on quote normal. It makes sense that I’ll think of doing something that helped me in the past and would help me. It doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. It doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It doesn’t have to define me.

And I get to choose. I have a choice. I choose, for this moment in time, I choose life. I choose, for this moment in time, to see all the possibilities, all that could be. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe in hope, in change, in growth, in a future. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe that I’m worthy of that future and that even if I don’t deserve it, I can get to live with it anyways. I choose life. For this moment I choose life.

This week has been a good week

I’m grateful. For another week. Of life. This week has just been okay. It’s been awesome, as in, that it’s been okay. Sunshine, sunlight, occasional blue skies, birds twittering, and okayness.

I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful that the craziness of the couple of weeks spent freaking out and on the constant verge of self harming has passed. I hope it stays that way. I’m grateful especially because I didn’t want to turn to my friends anymore, I felt like I was driving them crazy. There’s only one friend I really spoke to, and I didn’t want to get her fed up of me. I’m grateful not to need her in that way now.

I kept my self care goals. Of doing laundry. Washing my hair three times in the week. I even showered more frequently than that. Putting my clothes away every night. Asides for today, every day this week I wore makeup and dressed up. Asides for today I’ve journaled for about an hour each day. I woke up late today and lounged in bed reading (Catherine Anderson, Perfect Timing) rather than put on makeup or journal much.

It seems like my family’s cleaner has hoovered my room and put all the stuff that was lying on the floor into piles. It looks nice so tidy! Well piled high and all, but it looks good. My goal for the next week is the same as this week, also to wash my bedding. It’s soon the end of the school year. I have to hurry up with the bag we’re sewing. I hope to, tomorrow, sew on the zip and the inside pockets. I also figured that we need an extra seam on the lining and inside of the zipper to make sure that there’s no extra lining to get caught in the zip. I feel really proud of this bag we’re creating! And, something awesome too, it seems like I’ll have a couple of mornings off in the next few weeks. And soon it’s summertime. I’m thinking of high school musicals song ‘summertime, of our life‘. This summer I hope to give to charity some of my books and clothes, I’ve way too many that I don’t need. I have to go through all my books and see which ones I’m likely to re-read and which ones are a waste of space. Even if I give away only 5 at least I’ll know what I’m keeping.

I made an appointment with a sorta therapist for Monday. Sorta therapist, as in she does energy work and kinesiology. She used to be a therapist. I want some basic energy balancing and clearing done. I found kinesiology cool last time, when was that? It was definitely a long while ago, that she was here. It could be a waste of time, a bunch of hocus and pocus, and it could be awesome and amazing. I hope it’s the latter.

I want to continue exploring my understanding of god/judaism and where I want my life to take me. I hope that like-minded people somehow find their way to my posts on the topic, which will be really boring for anyone who isn’t interested in the stuff, but probably, hopefully, interesting for anyone it’s relevant for.

One of the things I’ve been asking for, and telling myself, every morning, is to be open to possibility. There is an endless amount of possibilities. I’ve absolutely no clue what they are or where they could lead me. I want to be open to them all. And see where life takes me.

Happy Thursday

Love, light and glitter