Still Standing — Free to Be V

I was reading Vanessa’s blog post. It was really, I can’t think of the right words, for me to read it. She writes (I’ve quoted the paragraph that stood out to me) how she still wants to use constantly.

It’s tough when friends in recovery go back to their addictions.
For me, every day that I survive, every day I choose not to drink, is a miracle.
Most people will never understand what it feels like to live with a brain that begs for alcohol on a daily basis. There are days where I can literally still feel the burn of alcohol in the back of my throat, and I want to scream. There have been times where I envy those people, those “normal drinkers”, but mostly, I have come to the incredible realization that I am not being deprived of anything by choosing not to drink. I don’t need alcohol to make me happy, or funny, or pretty or smart. It brings nothing of value to my life, and then it leaves me feeling depressed and insecure.  […]

Still Standing — Free to Be V

I want to use pretty much constantly. Every day I want to use. My friend told me whenever anything happens, option c to her is suicide. For example a car breaks down, option a, fix it, b, trash it, c, suicide. Option c for me is always using. My tooth was agony today – it has been on and off, I went to the dentist who told me there’s nothing wrong. If it still hurts in a while I’ll go back (there isn’t anything wrong, there’s a tiny gap between my teeth and somehow if anything gets stuck between there, even after I’ve removed it, it’s agony for hours after). I wanted to use so badly. To numb the pain. The perfect excuse. For the most part using is a non-option. I want to use but I don’t see it as an option. Sometimes it feels way more real. At times I feel like I have no option but to use, and hanging on feels like agony, holding off using, just trying to get through it.

I loved reading her post for it made me feel more normal. That maybe it’s okay if I want to use all the time. That maybe it’s normal. That maybe I’ll always want to use – this is something that’s been really bothering me, it makes me feel as though nothing has changed, that I STILL want to use. It’s been over a year since I’ve used cocodamol, why do I still want it? And it was helpful to read it, for it gave me perspective for the moment. That I may want to use every day, and it’s okay. I don’t need to act on it. And it doesn’t mean that my life isn’t changing at all because I still want to use. How much I want to, the intensity, varies. I don’t live every single moment wanting to. The thoughts pass through my mind at least every day. Sometimes more constantly, sometimes less. And they pass. They’re just an option for me. An option that’s always there. I really hope it lessens and goes away. For now I’m okay with it. For now I don’t feel guilty for constantly wanting to use. I know that maybe it’s not so abnormal, and that, it’s okay. I can want to use and still be okay. I don’t need to hate myself for it.

Thanks for sharing, Vanessa.

Love, light and glitter

Disconnect, RR, acceptance

I’m feeling strange. I’m tired of the distance. The distance I’m creating too. I feel distant, so I’m staying distant. I haven’t been on wordpress in ages. Some of that is for good reasons – it’s been pesach – passover – here, and busy. It’s good that I’m not online much. Some of it is that I feel so distant. I’m finding it so hard to connect. I don’t know how to tune in.

It feels like a negative thing – that I can’t tune in – yet it’s also a positive thing. The distance is something I used to occasionally notice but was never really aware of. I’m aware of the distance now. I hate it. I hate the nothingness when I try connect to myself. I hate the nothingness that is always there. When I dialogue journal I’m unable to connect, and I wish I could. I can’t tune into what I feel ever. When I did a mindfulness course, I thought that by being present, by being in the moment, I’d learn what is going on for myself. No such luck. I learned to be present. One of the biggest things I gained from the MBSR course is breathing to ground myself. I actually use it quite a bit. I often tune into myself and count breathing for a couple of minutes when I’m surrounded by people and overwhelmed. It means I leave my family less often.

I’ve been isolating myself. I’ve been present with my family more often, and I’ve been isolating myself more. It’s strange in a way how I’ve been doing both. I’m so very tired. My head’s hurting. And it’s safer to isolate myself because then I can’t be hurt. I can’t be left. I can’t be rejected.

Now that pesach is over I have to message RR and ask him when would be a good time to speak. I need to know what happened, whether he told someone private information, whether he lied to me about something he was doing. What exactly happened a couple of years ago. I felt that I could do it now as he anyways was no longer a part of my life, and he wasn’t here. I wrote more about it here. Now I’m confuzzled. For today I posted a status on whatsapp and he replied to my status asking how pesach was and sending regards from wherever he is at the moment. I know he’s not here. He’s shown me he’s not. What’s he doing reaching out now??? I haven’t replied to him – yet – for I don’t know what to respond. I need to actually speak to him and not message him so I need to either ask if we can arrange a time to speak or if he can call me when he has a chance to speak. I’ll go with the first because asking him to call when he has a chance makes it seem more urgent/important which, it isn’t. It’s important but he doesn’t have to call me when he’s away, but when he actually has time to speak. So when I can actually think what to reply, what to ask, I will do. I hate trying to compose messages. Strangely enough, coincidentally? I was rewriting a letter I wrote to myself out. In this letter I had written to myself what I should do. One of the things I wrote was, keep in contact with RR. So, that’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to ask him to explain what he did and why. I don’t know if I’ve a way to ever accept what he did, but I do know that keeping a relationship with him is important to me. Whatever he did or didn’t do in that instance, however major it is, he’s given me a lot. He definitely either lied or gave over confidential information. Depends on what happened how understandable it is. There is one scenario that could have played out that he could have thought he didn’t have another option. He’d have still lied to me. And I need him to tell me in his words why he did so. But I really hope there’s a way to go passed it. This too is strange, how I actually want to be able to keep a relationship with him even knowing he did something wrong. I hope to discuss it with him. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. Been able to see that someone did something wrong to/with me and still want to connect to them.

This has landed up being an update on RR which isn’t what I had planned. There are 2 current goals I’ve added into my life. That I want to do mindful breathing for 30 seconds every day, and journal for 2 minutes every day. One of the most crucial things about it is that I’m viewing it as something I’d really like to do and something I’m trying to do every day. If I don’t I’m trying to let it be and not drive myself crazy with guilt or hatred. Accept it. And know that the next day is another day and I can do it the next day.

Something I realised even more recently is how much I constantly want to use. I’ve never stopped wanting to use and I’ve no guarantee that I’ll ever stop. I bought more (cocodamol) today, and (I bought a box of cocodamol) yesterday, and, it’s okay. I’m trying to let my reality be. I’m trying to help myself. I’m trying to look forward instead of back. I’m trying to accept what I want and know that I don’t always have to act on it. Something I’m able not to act on it, sometimes I’m less able – like today I ended up purging. And then hours later eating loads. I’m not driving myself crazy over it all. I’m trying to let it be rather than enter a cycle of guilt, hatred, despair and make it worse than it is. For, it just is. I’ve finally seen that food is always an issue. I thought it just was sometimes as issue, but looking back I see how I’ve constantly cycled through different stages (eating too much/not enough/doing something about it/healthy eating/only some foods et al) and, it’s just what it is. Food is the least of my issues at the moment.

I’ve actually been implementing boundaries with people recently. Yay me! I told my mother politely the other day to please not open things on my desk without asking me. I was able to get her to tell me that she thought what she did – another day – was crossing boundaries. I still am crossing my own boundaries often enough, or feeling like I’m crossing others or reacting to others crossing mine. Yet, I’m learning. I’m sometimes seeing how it’s not exactly the same. And I’m rambling way too much and feel guilty for it.

Love, light and glitter

Can’t sleep

Hi world.

I can’t believe it’s only 2.30. for I’ve been up for at least half an hour without looking at my phone. Plus it’s the second time I woke up and I only got to sleep after midnight. I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to sleep these past few nights. Or how to change it. Oh well. Just saying.

I’ve music playing on shuffle. At the moment it’s that’s what scars are for by Mandisa. I like her songs that aren’t too religious.

So asides for the no sleep I think I’m doing okay. I don’t trust myself on that for I can’t see any difference in how I feel now vs Sunday or Wednesday. Sunday I can hear the thoughts which aren’t overtaking everything as they were then. But Sunday I dealt with by self harming. What about Wednesday? I don’t know. I can’t see anything. I tried dialogue journaling and get nothing. So I don’t trust what is. For I don’t know what the nothingness means. Or when or how it will change.

I’ve been reaching out to a bunch of therapists online. Most replied they don’t have time. 2 I arranged to speak to tomorrow. I’ll see what they have to say- whether and how they’d respond if I’d been a client this past week. And how if I’d ask for therapy bow they’d move forward. I know they may just not handle it (though I wouldn’t have emailed them if I thought that). I’ll see if they’re an option then ask my gp what he thinks on Tuesday. I’ve supposedly an appointment on Tuesday a week but I just hope it’s before midnight.

I’m sounding boring to myself and feel like anyone reading this is going to fall asleep.

Love light and glitter

The climb

The graph. I asked someone if she’d tell me how she did it. She replied that it’s not as though she took steps, one step leading to the next. She didn’t climb up the stairs one at a time. It was more like up, down, all the way up, and all the way down. I’ve been thinking about that for the last few minutes. Like, why? Part of what is bothering me so much is that I can’t see any change. It’s so damn hard, and why? I haven’t actually messed with self harm the way I have for a year and a half. I haven’t been this close to using cocodamol for a year. It makes me feel as though it’s all a waste. I’ve been trying so hard, and, what’s it all for if I’m back here again?

Up, down, up, down. It’s confusing to me. Why would someone keep trying if it’s just going to go down again? Why’s it worth it if it’s staying the same?

I used to use an analogy for this point. I’m going to write it out and see where it takes me. Someone wants to climb a mountain. They start climbing. They fall down and scrape their feet. They’re at the bottom of the mountain. They brush themselves off and get back up. This time they get along another 2 steps before falling down. Oh gosh, why on earth are they climbing it? But then they remember, they’re climbing it coz’ they want to see the sunrise at the top. So they take a deep breath and get back up. Somehow they climb up 10 metres before stumbling over a tree trunk. Luckily they stay their fall with another tree trunk 5 metres down, and they sit down cut and bruised before getting up and continuing on. This happens over and over. They trip, they fall, they stumble over holes in the ground, dips, loose rocks and even their own feet. Sometimes they stop to rest. Sometimes they lie down and bask in the sun. Part of the time it rains. When it rains they get soaked through yet they dance in the rain. Then it storms. Thunder growling, lighting flashing, leaving them terrified. They huddle under a rock and wonder if they should just stay there. At one point they realise that they’re learning. They’re learning to climb. They’re building muscles. They’re tripping over tree trunks less often. They’re still tripping. At times they roll down the mountain all the way to the bottom, where the lie in a heap wondering whether they should bother getting up at all. After all if they stay on the ground, they know the ground, they know what it’s like to curl up at the foot of the mountain, they know how much struggle climbing is, maybe they should just stay there forever? At times they grab hold of roots and stop falling. At times they love the journey, dancing, laughing, smiling at the grass growing, and the plants they’ve never seen. Sometimes they even love the dark nights, the peace and security and the nightbirds. They learn how to live out in the open, in the rough, on the mountain. They fall down. They get back up. They scramble. They climb. It’s a journey. Some of the time they want to continue climbing, they want to build their muscles. Some of the time they want to lick their wounds. They want to sit back and rest. They’ve changed the reasons to climb imperceptibly along the way. At first it was just about reaching the top. Then, when they got to a peak, they saw that beyond it there lay way more ground to cover, hidden by the previous peak. It was okay though, because they finally learned that it wasn’t about the top, it was about the climb. The beauty there was in the climb. In the rain. The snow. In the crags. In the pit holes. In learning how to survive. How to get back up. How to keep on going. How to trust themselves. How to keep finding the way.

The mountain. It isn’t actually the analogy I used to use but it’s more fitting this time. I feel like I’m back where I was. The guilt I feel at living. I’ve always felt guilty, but, it wasn’t an intense, as all encompassing. The nothingness. I’ve always said I want to learn what’s going on for me. I never realised how much I was aware of, until now I’m not. I never realised that I’d actually been tuning in, until now I’m not. I never realised that there was less distance, until now the distance is there. I feel like it’s all the same. Which makes me wonder why on earth I’m trying. When it’s so hard. I want to just curl up at the foot of the mountain and stay there. And you know, it’s okay. It’s hard for me to see it’s worth it, but, maybe it is. Maybe this too is part of the journey.

There’s always been a ‘there’ that I want to get to. I linked a letter I wrote to myself last year about where I want to get to (10th April 2018). I think my goals are worthwhile, doable and possible. Yet, they’re not the only ‘there’ that there is. There’s also the ‘there’ of just living. The there of being. I’m not actually giving myself enough credit. It’s hard, yes. It’s dark, yes. I’m struggling with self harm and messing up in ways I haven’t for a year. Yet, I’m here. I’m not about to end my life – which used to be my go to. I’m not about to use. I’ll probably still struggle with using. Maybe even as much as I was on Wednesday. Yet, I’m not using. I’m not giving myself enough credit for reaching out. S came over on Wednesday and threw away what I’d prepared (and borrowed all I have which she now returned). M came over last night and spoke me down for 45 minutes. Yeah, it’s hard. But I’m okay. I’m doing it. My GP has done what I asked him to do – put in a request for a therapist to do DBT. I’ve emailed a whole bunch of therapists I found and I’m waiting for them to get back to me. I gave a workmate the details for a mindfulness course that I plan on joining and doing with her. It’s a course I did that was really good. I’ve found out about a journey workshop that I’m thinking of going to – if I think it’ll be good for me to I’ll do it. I’m not giving myself credit for doing my part because I’m blaming myself for how hard it is. I can’t see that I’m doing my part for I think it’s my fault that I’m struggling. I think that if only I’d gotten myself help earlier it wouldn’t be so hard. I’m taking responsibility for others. AH ended therapy. He was my therapist for a year. I saw a psychiatrist privately who wasn’t interested in working with me, and who I wouldn’t have seen again because he never listened to what I had to say. I began therapy with someone else who ended it because I’d been upset with her. I emailed a therapist I’d spoken to asking for an appointment and she didn’t respond. Whatever I’ve done doesn’t feel like enough for I’m still struggling today. I blame myself for it all, which, actually is senseless. Therapy ended with AH. I definitely played a major part. Yet, it’s not my fault. Whatever my part in ending it was, was my issues playing out, and he had handled it until then. If he couldn’t work with me being me, ultimately, although I can learn a lot from what happened, it was his responsibility as the therapist. This psychiatrist I saw? I payed just under £300. He was a waste of time. He wrote a letter that was nonsense. It’s not as though he even offered me to come back to him for he didn’t, he told me to go through the NHS. The therapist I began seeing privately who offered touch. I found out it wasn’t necessarily crossing boundaries. When I spoke to her she didn’t ask me whether I wanted to continue with her. She said she can’t ‘as she wasn’t attuned to me’. I realise now that it was an excuse. She could’ve continued if she wanted to. She didn’t want to. In the same sentence she told me she could give me some other names of therapists, and continued that she’s sure I don’t need her to give me names as I’m perfectly capable of looking it up, and wished me luck. She wasn’t interested in working with me. The therapist I emailed asking for an appointment? I also blame myself. Because it was a second email. Yet she could have replied. She could have said yes. Or no. I’m blaming myself because I feel guilty. I feel guilty for everything. But it’s not my ‘fault’. It’s not my responsibility. I’m sure I have a part to play in everything that happens. I’m sure I can learn from it all. Yet even if just through energy I’m bringing what I don’t want, I can’t take responsibility.

So, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know what tonight will bring. At the moment I feel okay. I don’t trust what I feel for I felt okay yesterday too, and if I read my stuff, well let’s just say I don’t want to read what I wrote. I felt okay on Wednesday too. Wednesday I prepared cocodamol to use. Last night I played with self harm and was annoyed that it didn’t hurt. I don’t trust what I feel. And, that’s okay too. I don’t know what will be. I do know that just as I’ve done it before I can do it from now. I do know that I’m not using. I’m not destroying myself. I’m journaling. I’m trying. The mountain isn’t always easy to climb. And sometimes, maybe, falling down is part of the journey. Tripping up is part of the journey. There is never only day. There are nights. There are storms. And just as the mountain stays there through it all, so can I. So can I.

Another rambling post. I wonder how much of this will actually stay with me and how much it’ll just wash off. And either way, it’s okay. whether I think this way just for this moment, or if for always. Coz I can always think this way again. If not now, another day.

I hope there are no horrendous spelling mistakes because I’m not rereading this.

Love, light and glitter

Random life update

Today’s been one of those long/short days. It’s been a good day. A day I spent reading. A day I kept shabbat. I often haven’t kept it, I’ve read on my phone, or turned on the light, or anything. Recently I haven’t kept it. Whether I’m able to or not actually reflects the headspace I’m at. When I’m in an okay place I can handle the 25 hours of doing nothing. Of no writing. Of no watching anything. Of just being with family and – usually – reading. Lots of reading! When I’m not in an okay space I can’t handle it. Today I handled it. Does that mean I’m in an okay space?

I don’t know where I’m at. On Wednesday I opened a box of cocodamol and took a tray out. I thought to myself ‘Do I want to use?’. I answered that thought ‘Yes’ and I took the 8 out of the tray onto my counter top. I decided to call my friends first. M didn’t answer. GS was at the library. HS answered and came over an hour or so later. She threw away what I had and took all the cocodamol (well she thought all) I have with her – to be returned to me tonight. I scared her. I’m sad I scared her. I didn’t scare her in wanting to use – I’ve been wanting to for a long while now. I’ve been wanting to use ever since a girl in my community ended her life (I wrote her a letter – I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself). I don’t know how I scared her. I was lying on the floor in my room and refused to look at her when she came in. Eventually I looked at her…. I scared her and feel bad for it.

I’m scared too, scared because it’s not a responsibility she can take on. She called my GP on Friday, I’ve no clue what she said to him, although there’s nothing he can or will do. And she’ll bring me back my stuff tonight. I’ll probably throw away all the soluble stuff I collected, which will half the collection and leave me with around 6 hundred instead of the close to 1.5k. I’m scared because of the nothingness I feel. I tried journaling it through and was met with a lot of nothingness. I’m scared because I don’t feel anything. That’s nothing new, but I’m scared because it means I can’t trust the nothing. I regret not using. I’m grateful I didn’t use. Both are true. I’m beginning to realise that the contradictory can co-exist.

Onto something else, I’ve been copying out all the letters I’ve written to myself – I’ve written a lot on my blog here and I’ve written a lot in my journals, so I’ve been going through my journals and have gotten through 6 so far, and I’m copying out all the letters into one journal. I copied this one out on Friday . It made me sad. It’s actually a really positive letter. It made me sad because it depicts really accurately what I want to be okay with. What made me sad is that, it’s all still the same. I can’t see any difference. All the ‘there’s I wrote about, where I want to get to, are still what I want. The only change I can see is that sometimes I keep my boundaries. I still cross boundaries. I still don’t know what I want. I still don’t know what I feel. A year later. Where has this past year gone? What have I done with the year? It feels like nothing. Nothing at all. I know it may be that some things have changed and I just can’t see it. Yet, I just can’t see it. So even if it’s changed – I can’t see it. I can’t see any change. And feel like the entire year has been a waste. I wonder what’s going to make this year less of a waste. If there’s any way to make it less of a waste.

My GP has put in a request for funding, for someone in primary care to do DBT therapy with me (it’s what I asked for at a 2 hour assessment, where I didn’t qualify for the service because I’m not in danger. Never mind that I told him I have over a thousand 😉 ). I’ve been looking through therapists profiles, yet again. To see if I can find a private therapist I’m comfortable with so that if my GP’s request takes a while I’ll have something there. It’ll take a while either way. I’ve no clue what to do meanwhile, and I’m tired of trying, but this blog is going to be about getting to life, getting to love a life I live. I’m tired of focusing on what I don’t want – it’s all about ‘don’t use, don’t mess up’ and hanging on. I want to be moving on, loving a life I live, and living a life I love. I don’t actually believe it’s possible, but I’m believing that maybe it’ll be possible one day.

What if I fall? What if when I jump off the cliff, I don’t land on the rocks below, but learn to fly instead.

Love, light and glitter