I’m thinking, in theory, maybe, perhaps – the theoretically, potentially, possibly, perhaps, kinda maybe – to ask my friend to throw away the cocodamol I have in my draw when I’m away. It’s just a thought. It would probably be good for me not to have 1k++ in my draw. If only I’d have that in money!!! It’s something I’m thinking about. I saw randomly, I can’t recall where, that I’d given myself a deadline I wanted to do it by. I’ve passed that deadline. I told L I would (I’m thinking about it!!) and haven’t yet.
It always gave me security. Knowing I can fall back on it. Do I want to know I can fall back on it? I needed to know I could in the past. Do I need to know? Do I want that to be my security blanket???
So, I’m thinking. Actually not consciously thinking about it. I know that if I want to I’ll have to just do it. Just jump, and trust that I’ll fly.
I planned on writing a F:AK post today but forgot about it because I haven’t been feeling great. There went desert for this shabbat 🙂 but I have the ingredients to make it next week.
Are there ever times you don’t really remember what happened? I don’t mean dissociation or amnesia due to disassociation. I mean like, I went on a private online journal I had to write and saw I’d written this morning and was like ‘what, I didn’t write this morning’, then remembered that I had, and then recalled writing on my phone. Well, I didn’t and don’t really recollect writing on my phone, I remember some of it. And know that it was on my phone since I don’t have my laptop. It’s also like, I know I burned myself last Friday night, but I know that because I saw that I’d written it. And now that I saw that I’d written it I actually remember what I did (actually nothing much at all), which is memory for I didn’t write it all down. But I wouldn’t have known about it if I hadn’t seen it written there and actually had forgotten about it.
It’s why, a couple of years ago I made a rule for myself that I couldn’t/shouldn’t write anything or text anyone or do anything in the middle of the night. For I’d done enough stupid things when I’d woken up at night that in the light of day were regrettable. Some regrettable, and some completely unnecessary if I was anyways going to fall asleep soon enough and not really recall what was the next day. Like, if alcohol was something I used, it’d be a waste of time to drink it if I would fall asleep and it’d have made no difference to my life, whereas if in the day I wanted to, it’d be a conscious choice.
I guess it’s that I’m not fully present at certain times – in the night/morning/awake or whatever. I don’t really think it happens other times. It’s just, I don’t really know what to make of it, and by writing this I’m actually acknowledging it, though probably also making it into a much bigger deal than it really is. For it’s not like it’s a part of my regular life. It’s not like I live this way, which, I used to live in a world where I wasn’t present and wondered if I were really real. It’s not like that now. I don’t know. I’m trying to backtrack on what I’m saying and explain what I mean but I’m not sure if this is making much sense to anyone but myself. It’s also that, it’s not really a part of my usual life, it’s only when I’m a mess – which for the most part however much I’m not especially where I want to be, I don’t consider that mess to be my everyday life.
This week I really haven’t used anything or self harmed at all. I don’t know what tonight/tomorrow brings, and I guess we’ll find out.
Happy weekend! Shabbat shalom 🙂 Spread the sunshine, glitter and sparkle…..
Today is a new day. Exhausted. I’m finding work really long…. I’m enjoying some of what I do, not all. I think if I ever feel like I’m getting somewhere with one of my groups then I’ll be happy. I just find them draining because it drags and I feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. The next are fine – rambunctious, exhausting, they’re learning! The next and last have finally caught up to standard – they’re up to where they supposedly were at the beginning of the year, the last months have just been review. Now they can begin learning something new. Interesting for me to see what they’re better at and where their strengths and weaknesses lie, because finally getting somewhere. And my morning I like though it may be changing again. At the moment I teach science and language. Science is a lot of learning myself because I can’t teach it until I fully understand it myself. Which when I grasp it I actually enjoy. So I now know about forces, measuring speed and moments. I know about metals. I know what I never did know. Or if I did I long forgot. I actually didn’t do well in physics in school. I love learning. I love knowledge. My timetable may change yet again though and we will see what is.
Not been sleeping as well. Do you think it is that I havent been messing up? I haven’t self harmed – I was going to erase that and change to burned but truth is that it is self harm regardless if I want to accept it as such – in 3 entire says. Maybe only 2.5. Or used. And it’s major. It’s, it’s that I need to burn, and it’s not what I want for my life. And the not wanting it for my life overrides the need. Which until now it was the opposite. The need was more than the ‘I don’t want this for my life’s. So for now I haven’t and we will find out what is. And I’m kinda proud/appreciate it. Just don’t want to make it into a bigger deal than it is.
My arm is a lot better. Keeping it protected and trying not to pick all the scabs. I’m wondering if picking will cause worse scarring and if I’m lucky most won’t scar.
I really don’t want or like the scars. I thought I could buy a krav maga t shirt I want and add on some coloured sleeves. People at the class bought themselves krav maga tshirts and I think it’s pretty cool and would love one. I won’t wear it short sleeved especially not now when the scars are all new, it’s not a statement of where I’ve been which I’m more okay making publicly, more where I’m at. Asides that it would probably be repellent to people. A good way of dealing with the anxiety of being at the class – keep people away from me. Anyways, so I was thinking about how to get a tshirt and can add sleeves, either like a blue to the black – they are black – or 2 different colours, each sleeve a different colour. I could make the sleeves until the elbow, though that would look weird, as there is a bit of sleeves, so maybe 3/4 length. I should just but one for myself! Can get bigger and tie in a knot at the bottom – what a lot of people there were doing, or smaller and more fitted. Okay, I’ve now decided to buy it.
I spoke on the phone to a friend for an hour. Was interesting coz I was literally about to write her a card, had the card in front of me, just had to get a pen, and she called.
I wonder what I’ll do next week krav maga without my friend. I want to go. I really want to go. I’m not sure how to hear myself up to it. I wish there were someone going I can ask for a lift there so that I’d have it arranged and just go. I never really knew that I lived with anxiety, although I always knew, well for the last few years, that I’ve social anxiety I never knew it affected my life. I guess coz for the most part it doesn’t since for the most part I never ever out of what is safe for me. And occasionally I really push myself, and occasionally however much I want something I just can’t do it. It’s funny for there are some things that others don’t like doing that I just have no issue with. It’s why I wouldn’t necessarily diagnose myself with social anxiety for it doesn’t always have an effect on my life.
I actually arranged to go to have a lesson with someone tomorrow. If I keep to it. It’s meant to be something fun for us both, and if we can keep it up maybe I’ll get a new friend – the friends for fun kinda friend, which will be good, not to be too intense.
I need a dermatology appointment and I called then up and they said I missed an appointment and have been discharged. I didn’t get any letter and was calling to follow up. They gave me a number to call tomorrow and I’m hoping and praying that I get one and don’t have to go through a referral again for that would take months on end. This appointment that I hadn’t known about was 6 months after the referral.. and it really has to be sorted out… the one good thing is that I didn’t know about it for I don’t know if I could have gone, dunno if there would have been a way for them not to see my arms.
And I should get into pjs instead of lying in bed not in pjs. I hope to get some sleep tonight. The last few nights have been really restless. although, I turned off my phone before going to sleep and didn’t turn it on even when up for seemingly hours!
Every day is a new day. I’m kinda beginning to look forward to what could and will be. Some point in time I have to make a plan, but that’s when I have enough headspace. And time! Its busy here with good things that are just taking time. It’ll be busier as time moves on and then slower and then busier as different seasons come and go. Ebb and flow.
I wonder how disjointed this all is. Or if it all flows. Sometimes it’d be good if I reread what I wrote.
I’m grateful I have this space. To journal. To be. I don’t give it to myself at the moment so I’m really grateful I can and am here.
I’m feeling a bit bad that I haven’t been following others blogs at the moment. And, just saying that I do care. That I think about you. That I wish I were fully following. And that when I can I will be. When I can just be. Which, it seems more and more doable, and if it continues this way, it will be doable, coz I’ll actually be there.
Some day I’m going to have to deal with what triggered or lies behind the past couple of months I don’t know what does and I’m not sure if I want to know. One day I do want to for unless I deal with it, it’ll stay there and rule my life. But that isn’t today. So I don’t need to worry about it now. And, yeah. Thanks for listening :).
My arm is really hurting. I think the blister peeled, it wasn’t intentional, I’m not sure how it happened, and it’s just hurting. There isn’t anything I can do about it, or that I even want to do. It’s just a constant awareness of my arm.
I’ve been burning a little less. Sleeping more. I’m so grateful for sleep. Who knew how grateful one had to be for sleep? I’m so grateful for I’ve been falling asleep at night, for the past week. I’ve actually been able to go to sleep. And the not being able to go to sleep is what has kept me up more than anything else. So I’m grateful, that I have been able to sleep.
I took pictures of the hot chocolate fudge cake I made today so that I can post the recipe for TA, who I’ve told I’ll do it for.
I need to order shoes that I put in a basket, I know I want the shoes, I’m not sure what I’m waiting for. Maybe coz’ they’re expensive. I should just order them already.
My hand – it’s my arm really – is hurting.
I’ve been needing to burn a little less. It’s not as constant and, it’s not the only thing in my world. A month ago, that’s all there was. Today, that isn’t all there is. There’s work – I’m present at work. I’m enjoying, mostly, what I’m teaching. I enjoy my morning job, I don’t enjoy the afternoon as much. I’m loving learning – I have to learn the material and really know it to be able to teach it.
I wonder if my arm will stop throbbing me?
2020. Why’m I suddenly moving on to here? I have a lot of plans for the year. I’ve been trying to get through to my GP and it’s a little impossible to do so. I’m not sure why I’m even trying to for it’s not like I’ll get through. Yesterday my friend said to me that when she told someone what I’d taken the person said it couldn’t be for I wouldn’t have been talking to her then. I laughed. Because this is a couple of weeks ago before I went away (and I was up all night, and then throwing up nothing for a few hours, but later on), because, I’ve taken a lot more than that before. And whoever had said that to her obviously didn’t know what they were talking about. I took that and more for over a month – daily. Gradually upping the amount. It was never enough. I don’t want to use. I actually occasionally think about it. Taking more than just then. I don’t want to more than I do want to. I want to live in this world and be present more than that.
I was listening to a class by R’ Yitzchak Berkowitz. He was talking about ‘souls’. I was planning on writing an entire blog post on this. There are 3 parts to the soul, or 3 different souls. Whatever you want to call it. There’s the part of you that is made up of the DNA and is alive. Is conscious and aware and living – the part that animals live with. There’s the part of you that is pure spirit – the energy and consciousness that is a part of the energy and consciousness of the spirit of the universe, that is completely if you want to use the word spiritual, or part of the world, or part of the source of the world, however you describe it. And there is the ‘ruach’ the part of you that combines the 2. Where free will lies. Animals follow the rules of behaviourism. People don’t. Because people are made up of both parts and it’s the ‘ruach’, what is called the spirit of the person that joins/combines/connects the two, and makes choices drawing on both parts.
I’m not sure what I wanted to write about that , I had a whole lot to say.
This week has been good. Back to work. I tried calling up the IAPT service and left a message, about doing a mindfulness course. I’ve done one once upon a time and would love to do another. I really should call up someone I’m thinking of and ask him for advice. But I’m not. Not yet.
I miss one of my friends. I haven’t spoken to her in ages. I’ll be seeing her on Sunday and I wonder if we’ll get to speak. I miss her. We used to have a lot to do with each other because of work. Now that we don’t work together we don’t see one another. She doesn’t need anything from me.
I was talking to a friend the other day. About life. About how it’s not all or nothing. There is no end destination. I felt like I was sharing with her all that I’ve had to learn these past few weeks. That there’s no end destination. That it’s about the journey. That she can set an intention for what she’d like to be and the awareness of it will help it to happen. That putting something out there allows it to come to you. She wanted to know if I believed in ‘that kinda stuff’ and I explained to her that I did, and why. For there has to be an infinity/source, and our existence, the existence of this universe has to be a part of that infinity/source, therefore we’re all connected, the entire universe boils down to energy and we’re all part of that energy. So putting out energy, or allowing ourselves to receive energy, does bring it to you. I know that I’ve worked through so much of what I know just through osmosis. Just by living and being. That my understanding of the universe isn’t necessarily based on the texts I’ve read or classes I’ve listened to. That by setting my intention that I’m ready to learn, to know, and grow, it’s happened. I know that last year I said my goal for the year was to be responsible for myself. To own my choices. To take responsibility. I know that I’m doing that. Nowhere near as much as I should – there are things I want to do in order to take care of myself and don’t have the energy or headspace to even though I know I should. In many ways I’m taking care of myself more than I used to. And it’s not all a choice. It’s an attitude shift by deciding I want it to be that way. It’s coming to me by being ready for it. And I’m learning that it’s a journey. That there is no end destination. Everything is so disconnected. I guess that’s why this is a ramble and not a specific point. I can sometimes stay on point.
Krav maga classes are starting again! I’m really looking forward to it. I’ll probably be paying for my friend to come with me. She doesn’t have the money for it. Neither do I if I’m honest but I’m looking at it as the class is double the price. The last of the introductory sessions she couldn’t come. And, I just couldn’t go. I couldn’t go alone however much I wanted to. I just couldn’t face it – and I like the instructor and the people who were doing it. Therefore, if I want to go – and I do. It’s good for me to go out. It’s good for me to learn new things. It’s good for me to exercise. If I want to go, it’s worth it for me to pay for us both. I’ll have to ask her if she’s okay with me mentioning it to the instructor, for the instructor may either subsidise the cost or say she doesn’t have to pay (which will mean I don’t have to). There may be another free exercise class which will be cool for us to go to. One day I want to be able to go alone. If it’s a set group of a few people and it’s prearranged that I’m going I’d be okay going alone, but it’s not like that. I’m not sure what it’s about (yeah, I know it’s social anxiety) but it’s definitely not something I’m working on but I’m working around it, instead. Social anxiety doesn’t usually run my life. There are some things I don’t do because of it. And there are things I push myself to do in spite of it – if I want it enough, or just because I’m scared, or if it’s important enough. And there are the things I miss out on because of it. Though this is the only example recently. The other time was a few months ago when I didn’t go to an evening I half wanted to go to.
Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m rambling anymore, or that it’s even saying anything…
My arm is hurting still and I’m not sure what to do about it – as in I’ve put on savlon and protected it, and not sure there is anything else that I can do.
My internet has just cut down so finishing writing this on my phone. Which means no linking posts and comments may not work.
On to other news, I just paid £100 on some skin care products – wash, toner and serum. Matis. One hundred pounds!!!!! Included in the price is high frequency for a couple of minutes once a week. I’m not sure if it will do anything for my skin, but it can’t harm to try. Honestly, I think you can get cheaper facial products that are as good, but I want the high frequency and the beautician selling it does them both together. It can’t harm me to use the stuff twice a day, and I’m really hoping to get rid of the redness and scarring. I know it probably won’t get rid of the acne, for it’s not treating the cause, but it’s a gamble or investment. I wasn’t going to do it for it’s so much money, then realised that I’m worth the risk. Even if it’s a 5th of my monthly wage. Rambling way too much.
I’m grateful for this space. This space to journal. This space to be. The people who are so nice, and supportive, and real and genuine. I haven’t been following most blogs. I have more headspace. My mindset is okay. Way more okay. I’m in a more okay space. And I’m grateful for it. I’m grateful for the sunshine. For the moments of beauty. Someone commented something on SF that I thought was really good. That in dark tines we discount the beauty as irrelevant or not real when we should be celebrating each moment of light and expanding on it. It reminded me of my reasons to live site and the purpose of it. To make the beauty and positivity the central aspect. It’s not always so easy or possible, but noticing the good, trying to, when you can’t, has and will have a cumulative effect.
And I thought I was rambling before… I guess it’s okay as most people wont be reading this. Thank you to you 🙂 (who is/did)
A year ago Simon wrote a letter to himself in a years time, and I copied the idea (where’s this years letter Si?). I just read the letter I wrote to myself to be read in 2020, and my plan for the past year. It makes me both nostalgic, and appreciate what is right now.
A year ago I wrote what I wanted the year to be about.
It’s the start of an entirely new year. A year I get to choose. I have the choices to make. The responsibility is mine. Looking back I see how often I refused to take responsibility. I wouldn’t say refused as much as didn’t. Wasn’t aware that I could. Seeing it gives me the choice. To take responsibility for my life. To own what is mine. The choices that I make. The actions I take. The decisions. That are mine to own. I used to wish some fairy would just come in and wave their magic wand and take over my life for me. I don’t any longer. I’m grateful. Grateful that my life is mine to live. That my mistakes are mine to own.
It’s nice to see. To see that I am taking the responsibility I wanted to a year ago. To see the change. To see how my plan for the year – to own my life – materialised. I’ve taken, am taking, responsibility for my life. I can’t say I always take the responsibility I want to. More like, I push off things I want to do, but I am doing this. I’m not doing all I think taking responsibility means. I’m doing a lot more of it (A1, A10 as Em and Skinny Hobbit so kindly pointed out last night).
A year ago I wrote a letter to myself, to be read this year. The shortened version reads
Looking back at the year you’ll probably see lotsa changes, and lotsa things that are still the same. I wonder where you’ll be in a years time…. I wonder if you’ll have studied further. I wonder if you’ll have changed your views on dating. I wonder whether you’ve worked through what you believe. I wonder if you’re teaching….
It’s strange to read this letter. I want you to realise how much is different. You’ve set your plan for the year out. You wrote about it in the post about responsibility and freedom. Eh, looks like it’s titled ‘Taking ownership of my life’. Yup, take ownership of your life. You are doing that. I’m guessing you’ve been doing that a lot more in the past year than you ever have. Remember jokingly asked R’ R if he’d take over, with the grain of truth there? I’m glad you can take control. I’m glad you can take responsibility. I’m glad you want to. I wonder what it’ll be like for you.
As with everything, it’s a new year. A year has gone by. A year of hope. A year of dreams. A year of aspirations. A year of laughter. A year. A year has gone by. A year seems like such a long time. You’ll be 25 when you’re reading this. 25 seems so young. Yet so much older than 24. Age is meaningless. …you’ll be connecting to the you of a year ago who had no clue what to write to herself for a years time.
I love you E. If there’s one thing I hope you’ve learned during this year it’s that you’re not guilty. And you’re deserving. Both. I know that they’re flip sides of the same coin, separate yet so similar. If there’s another thing I hope you’ve learned it’s that whatever happens you really do have your greatest ally – yourself – at your side. Trust your intuition! Don’t feel guilty for it. Just be you. For you’re the most fantastic, amazing person I’ve ever met. Just because you’re you. As you always tell others, you don’t have to do anything to be worthy, you just ARE. Asides that you’re part of the infinite, so you must be infinity itself. Whatever happens E, whatever you’ve done this year, whatever you haven’t done, whatever you’re grateful for, whatever you hate, whatever you love, whatever you want to change, whatever you want to throw away, regardless of anything E, you’re always worth it, and you’ll always have your own best friend – yourself – with you….. I hope that’s another thing that’s different now a year later. I hope that you really do love yourself. Feel safe with yourself. Believe in yourself. I hope that the life you’re living is a life beyond your wildest dreams. Loving life doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. It means it’ll be real, you’ll be present for it, and that you’re loving the ride – the ups, the downs, the plateaus, the cliff jumps, the rocks, the paragliding. You’re awesome E! Am I beginning to repeat myself and get boring already?
It was, is, nice to read it. I appreciate seeing what I wrote. Hearing this again. A lot of what I wrote that I want to be different, it is different. It’s not completely different. It’s partially. I wanted to get to B, instead, I’m on the way there and not where I was. It’s nice to actually see it in written form. I appreciate it especially now when I’m busy messing my life up and it feels a bit like – what was it all worth? For it was worth it. During the last year I’ve taken responsibility. I’ve built relationships. I’m okay with touch.
I wrote that I hope I feel safe with myself, love myself and believe in myself. I don’t. But I feel safer with myself. I love myself more than I did. I believe in myself more than I did. I know, logically, that I’m worth it. I wanted to work through what I believe. A year ago I was hoping to be a lot farther on. To know fully what I believe. I don’t know fully. I know a lot more than I knew a year ago. I’ve separated some of what I hate about the culture I grew up in, from actual Judaism. I know that they’re 2 different things. That the culture and people aren’t what judaism is about, and I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think that’s a saying or something.
I think the first sentence I wrote is the truest. That looking back over the past year I can see a lot of change, and there are a lot of things that are still the same. I see change with boundaries I’m able to keep and respect. I see it the same with boundaries too, how I’ve crossed my own boundaries with someone and thereby crossed theirs, and I’m not sure how to have a relationship with them without wrecking it. I see change in the responsibility I’m taking. I see how it’s the same that I don’t want to take it. I see change in how I don’t feel the guilt for living, existing, and being that I used to. It’s the same in that I don’t really know I’m deserving of it (life). I see a lot of change. And a lot that is still the same. I’m glad to see this. To see that it isn’t all the same.
I like that you’re writing to yourself in a years time for it means that you actually envision yourself to be here in a year. You actually plan on being alive for 2020.
I didn’t. I didn’t really plan on being alive for 2020. Now, I do. I do plan on being alive for 2020. I want to be here. This isn’t about what I want for 2020. It’s more about seeing what was. What I want? That’s another topic entirely. I’ve not reflected on what I want yet this year, it’s not something I’ve been able to do, and, that’s okay. For the moment it’s about getting through the moment and planning how to move past today’s reality and needs.
I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the past year. I’m grateful I get to see what is different. I’m grateful that where there never used to be choice, there is choice now. I’m grateful that I can see the possibility of another life, a life without messing my life up. I’m grateful for all that was, and that I can see that it isn’t the same.
Thank you to all of you who’ve been here with me this past year – I hope you know how much I appreciate it.
How do I get from A to B? How do I get from where I am now, to where I want to be?
I spent today freaking out. I realised later on that I was on the verge of a panic attack. That is actually major news for me. The realisation and awareness I mean. Of how on edge I was. Of being able to label it. Not that I ever have had panic attacks – or, I probably pretty much have, I just call it freaking out and don’t label the not breathing, freaking out as panicking because there’s no fear of anything.
I got back last night. The last leg of the journey home was spent thinking about burning and using cocodamol. This morning I messed with burning, meaning only messed. I stopped before I blistered myself. I thought that being away would take me out of the situation and when I came back it would be different. Except that it isn’t. I thought that when I came home I would be able to look at what was and be able to figure out how to move forward. Except that it isn’t what was, but it is what is. There is no past here for it’s the present. It’s the need to burn in the present moment.
I was listening to a class last night. It was actually on prophecy, how prophecy is about disconnecting from your own finiteness enough to be able to tune into infinity. Strange how all the class said was my thoughts on what prophecy would be. And that prophecy doesn’t exist today. Other interesting points he made. One point struck me – that we can’t get pleasure from what we need. If we have a need to eat, we won’t enjoy the food. I need to burn myself. I don’t get pleasure from it. It’s just a need. I also need sugar more now that I’m home. I don’t know what the underlying need is that I’m trying to fill. I know it can’t really be filled by burning myself, but temporarily it can. And burning only counts if it blisters. And I don’t want more scars. And I can’t burn myself as much coz’ I can’t take painkillers to dull the pain enough to help me endure more to burn more. That sounds a bit crazy as I write it, but, it’s just the reality. And I haven’t journaled in ages – which is disconnected I know. I can go off onto so many tangents. If I let myself. In a way it’s fun to. Freeing to. I can feel the tear tracks on my face from the few tears I let happen.
So A. Where I am now. That I need to burn myself and I’m acting on it. I’m not making a comment about using cocodamol for I haven’t yet today – the first day I’m back – and I hope not to for it really made me ill (a few wouldn’t, but I don’t know how to stop at just a few) and I really don’t want to kill myself. I don’t mind being dead, but, I don’t want to end my life, and if I’m making myself that ill I’m not present and no clue what it’ll be doing to me. Where am I else? I don’t know. For the only thing I can see at present is burning. Everything else fades into the background.
B. Where I want to be. I don’t want this, my present reality, for my life. I want to be loving a life I live and living a life I love. That’s always been my refrain. What does that look like? I don’t know what it looks like. It looks like being present. Which I was. I have to remember that I really and truly was and that just coz’ this is my reality it doesn’t take away from what my reality was. It looks like peace. It looks like serenity. Connection – to myself, others, a source of the world (I have the last most of the 3, which is in a way surprising. Maybe not surprising, for it’s something I’ve worked on a lot, but unexpected). It looks like understanding myself and my world. It looks like being able to identify emotions, know what I feel, when I feel it, eventually why, and how to handle it, or live through it. It looks like forgiveness. Of others, and mainly of myself, and most definitely of a source of the world. It looks like okayness. It looks like reality, like the reality that some people on WP show through their blogging that they’re living.
How do I get from A to B? I don’t honestly know. I’m so frustrated with what is, for however much I know it doesn’t cancel out what was, it makes me wonder if I was imagining how okay I was. I know it wasn’t my imagination. I know it was the truth. I know from my friends. I know from myself. I know from the relationships I’ve built with people. I know because I see how much I’m a part of my family now, which, I never used to be. I know because I see how I’m more aware of things, I see the ‘before’ that never used to exist. I know because I’m taking some sort of responsibility for my life. Responsibility I never used to own. I know because I see the boundaries I’m keeping with others. I see some of the honesty I have with people. I see change. Even today when I’m not handling I see how much is different, and it shows me that what was, the okayness, the presentness, was real. I was still working towards where I wanted to be. I was putting in place different things I wanted. Like exercise classes. I wonder how real it all was. And I know it was real.
I don’t know how to go from here. I don’t know what I need to get me from A to B.I know I need help, I just don’t know what kinda help that would look like. I know I can’t do it on my own. Yet I know that I have to. Writing, journaling, has always been the best form of therapy for me. It’s how I’ve worked through my world. It’s how I’ve learned to understand myself and others. It’s how I’ve connected to myself and others. It’s how I’ve let go. Writing is the best therapy. And it’s not something I’ve been doing. It’s not something I’ve been able to do. I can’t let myself just ramble. I can’t do it. There’s not enough safety to do so. And that just is.
There’s something I want to set up, and don’t know if I can do so myself, if I can’t find it in existence – and I don’t know how to find out, and that’s a DBT group. The only thing is, it was on my plans to set it up, and the kinda thing I wanted was a group of say 4 people, all who were in a good space, none who would trigger me. And now I’m in that space that I don’t want anyone to be in. That was part of my plans to getting where I wanted to be. Before I messed up. It’s still part ofmy plans, just that I don’t have the headspace as much now, and I don’t know how to ask someone I was thinking of asking about it.
I don’t know. Everything just is. And every day is a new day with every moment a new moment. I was in the library earlier and I was wondering whether the guy who was serving me could see how much I was freaking out. I was wondering how visible it was.
There is someone I can text and ask if she’ll help me. And I’m going to text her when I’ve finished writing this. My only hesitation is, my real hesitation, is that she isn’t the right person to ask. She does energy work and has helped me a really lot, and she thinks that is all I need to do. I don’t know what she thinks. I do know that any time I’ve asked her about therapy she hasn’t been keen. That’s not true. Sometimes she has been really for it and has thought I should go for it. I know that she’s right with what she says – that talk therapy isn’t for me. For that comes from what I’ve told her. I don’t do speaking. I don’t do talking. She does the work that she does often without me at all, not even on the phone, because I really cannot handle it. Speaking to her sends me spiraling. Not always, but when I’m in this mode it makes it worse. Speaking to anyone would, especially because I just don’t do talking. So maybe she can advise me. For maybe she wouldn’t actually tell me not to do anything. Maybe she would have an idea of what I can do. I actually want her on board with anything I do, more like to know in advance, but either way it’s okay. And I don’t recall what I was trying to say. Other than that I’ll text her and see if she has any suggestions and/or can help me at all. I also saw on the IAPT site for my community that they offer mindfulness classes for a few weeks if they think you’ll benefit. I’ve done an MBSR course before and found it really helpful, so maybe I’ll call and see if they can offer a class. (edit: I just texted her asking if there’s any way she can help me figure out/plan how to get from here to whatever B may look like, and, will see, for now I just want to get back to what I was doing – nothing good, but that’s just what is. To which she replied likely. I’m not sure if I am meant to respond. Will see).
I’m tired. And just tired. I wish I weren’t back here, and wonder if I’ve brought it upon myself. And yes I know logically speaking that I haven’t. And that it just is and that it’ll have to change and pass and that it will. However much I wish this weren’t the reality, it just is. And wishing ain’t gonna do anything.
I start work soon. I really want to be present. I want to be giving my students my all and not shortchanging them or myself. Which if I’m messing up and not present at work I will be. But that also just is. And, I want to get to point B. That’s half the journey. That I want it. That I don’t want this for myself or my life. Tomorrow – whenever that tomorrow comes – is a new day.
I hope I’m not going to regret publishing this, as when I started writing I thought it would be a private post.
I’m wondering if it was my imagination that I was okay.
Took cocodamol and if I wasn’t cutting off I would be scaring myself. I’m not crossing into the danger zone as of now but way too close for my liking. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I thought that was it with self harm or messing up my life. I was trying to build my life. And I thought I was doing so. Building a life for myself however slowly. I guess I really was. Working more. Working through what I believe. Connecting to a source, to people. Building health relationships with people and putting boundaries in place with others. The only thing I was messing with was food and it was okay. It really was okay. Unless I’m imagining that it was okay and really it wasn’t. I don’t know. Today is today. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t know what is behind any of it. At the moment it doesn’t seem too daunting – coz I’ve cut off from it. Reminds me how grateful I always was for being present. And the plans I was making for how to learn what I feel, to be present with what I feel. Why’m I rambling? I want to use more (cocodamol). For now not going to, will see if I can get to sleep first, since I’m not sure how safe it’ll be to take another 8. I know I’ve used more than 40 in the past. It’s so easy to take when you swallow (2 plus years ago when I was using I used soluble). Going to try and sleep. Was listening to a song earlier about god being with you always. Was wondering if there is a source of the world really with me. It’s possible, even if I can’t see why this is what a source would be wanting for me (and it’s not what I’m choosing. I really didn’t choose this). Writing too much. Let’s hope this makes some sort of sense. It’s too much became it’s not like I’m actually saying anything. I don’t want this – the messing my life up – for my life. So I’ll have to figure something out. Even if I was never meant to be in this place of destruction and never meant to have to figure it out. Though as I said, maybe it was just my imagination that I was okay. I know it wasn’t my imagination, but that makes the most sense for what is now. I know, I don’t need to rationalise anything, and I’ll figure it out later. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish I could just go back to what was and continue the upwards trajectory. You know, using has one benefit I never expected. I’ve cut off enough that in a sense I can see what I want more. I really won’t appreciate all the scars I’ve given myself. If I wasn’t here right now I would accept them much more. And I really should stop here.
Love, light and glitter
Edit. Its nearly 7am. Been dozing on and off. Feeling dizzy, icky and been throwing up nothing. Travelling tonight and really want to be okay by then. (Somehow need to pack whilst feeling like this). When I’m away I won’t be messing up at all. That’s my plan. To then figure it out when back. And for now need to find a way to feel better. I used to like the dazedness of cocodamol. Really not feeling very good.
I’m tired, and wish this weren’t my reality. I was never meant to mess up with anything ever again. That was my plan anyways. I’m not sure what happened to derail it. And I know that isn’t important now. I just really wish it wasn’t what it is. I didn’t ask for it. And however much it’s obviously all my choices I don’t see how or where it ever really was a choice. That’s not what I came on to write. Now I just want to feel better (physically) and wonder if there is a way to.
I wrote this out last night (including these bracketed annotations that explain all that I mean), and it got deleted (thanks wordpress), so I’m writing it out again. I wrote to myself which didn’t help at all, so decided to try this.
Eliza, what is going on?
I want to burn myself
So why aren’t you?
Coz’ I’ll take cocodamol so that I can go far enough. It doesn’t count as burning if I don’t blister
So why don’t you (take cocodamol)?
Do I want to use cocodamol?
You tell me.
I don’t know. Both (yes and no).
Why do you (want to use cocodamol and burn)?
I’m tired of holding on. It’s endless, so whatever, so I’ll use and go back there (to where I want 2 years ago) and I won’t stop (using).
Why don’t you want to (use cocodamol and burn)?
I don’t want to go back there.
I like being present
Which do you rather (using/self harm or being present)?
So you know what you want.
I still want to burn myself.
I know. And you’re choosing being present over that.
Is it worth it (to choose being present and not to burn)?
You’re the only one who can answer that. Is it worth it?
I don’t want to go back there (to the life I was leading when I was OD’ing daily and not eating, to living the edge, playing both sides of life and death).
So you’ve answered and chosen.
I still want to (burn myself).
I know. It’s confusing to want both so much.
Not confusing. Just is.
What just is?
Can you break that down?
I don’t want to burn. I need to.
It is okay. You need to burn. Why do you need to?
That’s not important.
What do you need more? To burn or to stay in the present?
It’s all a dream anyways (I kinda feel like it’s a bit of a dream, I guess not fully present all the time). To stay in the present. But I’m choosing to use and burn instead.
Oh, Eliza. I love you. Why would you choose that when you’ve just said it’s something you don’t want?
I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting it (what I want – constantly). Of letting it be. Of acknowledging it. Of moving on. I want to just engage with it. I need to just engage with it. Or let it take over. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.
Is it worth it (to give in)?
No. But that’s not really relevant if it’s what I choose to do.
So why are you choosing that?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can go to bed. And then I’ll know I’ve failed.
Eliza, not using, not burning, is courageous and brave. You’re not a failure if you don’t harm yourself. Asides Eliza, it’s been nearly 2 years, asides from yesterday (since you’ve used anything in this way, and since you’ve engaged with self harm in a way that’ll scar), do you want to give that up?
I’ve already given it up (by burning yesterday and taking paracetamol to help me go further). So yes.
Eliza, I know you can do it. Just know that whatever you do I love you and am with you, and you always have another choice. Every moment is a new choice.
I know. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is any choice.
I hear. I know. Something there isn’t choice (like when you burned before you were aware of what you were doing). You need to then find where the choice lies and act on your choices when you have a choice. Every moment is another moment you get to choose, and chart the path of life. I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always. Always and forever.
This is a question for anyone who has ever used or engaged with anything negative that they’ve stopped or want to.
If you don’t mind sharing I’d love to hear, what are your reasons? I’m choosing self harm for the title for that’s what I want to do now. Not like I haven’t been until now, but I want to do arbitrarily crosses that line (the line is anything that marks counts). I can’t actually see any reason not to, especially because of all I anyways do.
I’ve so much to ramble, but not for this post.
What are your reasons? Only if you’re comfortable sharing.