You did it!! We did it!!

These are the images I’ve posted recently on Instagram

We’re at the end of 2020. And you did it. I did it. We did it. I didn’t think I’d make it through the year, yet here I am. Here you are. It’s been one hell of a ride these past months. Although I haven’t replied to the comments on my last posts, I’ve read them all. And I’m really touched. It surprises me that you’re here and care despite how MIA I’ve been.

Congrats for making it through 2020! Let’s celebrate…

Here’s to a year….

Hopefully next year I’ll be more present amongst you…

Lotsa love and sunshine

E (not Eliza, I just dunno how to change my blog name).

In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).


I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

💕 Be living without self destruction 
💕 Be present always
💕Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts
💕 Have a support system
💕 Have more friends
💕 Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with.
💕 Live in a world of colour
💕 Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling
💕 Be journalling still!
💕 Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself).
💕 Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for
💕 Be present in my body
💕 Experience emotions - at least more than I do now.
💕 Still be in touch with R, M, M
💕 Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes!
💕 Live without the need to harm
💕 Get to at least 100 reasons
💕 Have set up Letters of Hope
💕 Have moved out
💕 Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started.
💕 Be living without ED behaviours. 
💕 Keep accepting myself
💕 Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with.
💕 Be fully taking responsibility for my life.
💕 Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine.
💕 Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.

Letter to myself for next year – 2021 here we come!

Image that says 2020

Simon did this last year, and yet again this year. Check his letter out here. I should have read his before writing mine… I’d hoped to write myself something way more profound and intelligent. I’d love to see your letters if you write to yourself 🙂

Dear E of 2021

It’s weird to be writing this letter, less weird to be reading it. After all, it’s a letter addressed to you, isn’t it. E of 2021. Though really E, you are the same person you were a year ago. Yah, very different too, but you’re yet the same. I had loads of plans for what I wanted to write, this isn’t what I envisioned. When I read the letter you wrote a year ago, to be read today, I saw that you were humoured by what you were writing, yet when I was reading it, it just wasn’t at all funny. So I don’t know what you will find entertaining today. I don’t know who you are today.

Hi E. Yet another year has gone by. A year. 12 months. 360 days or so. A year. 24 hours in every single day. I wonder what the past year has brought to you. I wonder what you have brought to the past year. I wonder what the world has given you. I wonder what you have given the world. As of writing this, you’ve a year ahead of you. When you read this, you’ll be looking back at the past year. I hope when you read it, you’ll look back with pride. I hope you’ll be proud of yourself. I know that I’m proud of you and that in a years time I will be, too. I hope you’ll look back and see all the good things.

A year ago (well, as of writing it’s today, but when you read it, it’ll be a year ago) you were burning yourself and using to burn more. A year ago you knew you didn’t want it for your life. Today, I hope you can look back and see that what you dreamed of then is your reality. That today you aren’t self harming. That today, you are looking after yourself. I hope that today you are looking after your body. I hope you are respecting yourself. And that if you aren’t, it’s just a temporary blip. For you’ll continue on.

I don’t imagine it’s been an easy year for you. I hope you’ve found it worthwhile. Life is a journey. A journey you didn’t ask to be on, but one that I’m glad you’re partaking in. A journey that meanders. There are hills and valleys. Sunsets and sunrises. Rocks and grass. Sunshine and night. It’s a journey. I don’t know where the last year will have taken you. I don’t know what path you’ve travelled. I know it’s been a journey. Just a tiny segment of the journey of life.

I want so much for you in this year. That when you’re reading this, I’m hoping you can look back and appreciate. I want you to respect your own boundaries more than you do. Just more than. For, I don’t expect you to get there. There is no end goal. For every single step you take brings you to another step. Every mountain you climb has a mountain to climb back down. Every stream you pass will be walked over or rowed across. I hope that you’ll know more about what you believe. That you’ll be more comfortable with yourself and your beliefs. That you’ll be able to live by them with confidence. Irrespective of others. For, it’s your journey and not theirs. It’s your journey E. One that no one else can travel for you. Your choices are yours to make and yours to own. I’m hoping that you own that. That you appreciate, respect and value that. I’m hoping that you’re living your life for yourself.

I wonder where you’re living now. I’m guessing at home, though you may be anywhere at all. Not really anywhere, but yes, anywhere is possible. I wonder what you’ve studied. I wonder whether you’ve finished the course you’ve started. You know that you can do it. I wonder whether you’ve included exercise into your routine. I wonder who is a part of your life today. I wonder who your new friends are. I hope you’ve made some new friends, and I hope you’re friends still with your friends of today. I hope the S’s are a part of your life. It’s funny how your friends all have the same initials.

I wonder. I wonder where you’re at today. I do know that wherever you at it’ll have been a journey. I know the past year is one in which you’ve learnt a lot. About yourself, your family and the world. I hope that you’re feeling safer within yourself and the world. I hope you’ll have found that safety and okayness that has often been so elusive. I’m hoping the year has been one of presentness, or becoming more and more present. You are way more present than you ever were.

I used to think there were end goals. I knew where I wanted to get to. I knew where I wanted you to be. And the end goals were ‘it’. Now, I know differently. I know it’s not like that. That there is no end destination. That it’s about going along for the ride and learning to love the ride, to enjoy where it takes us, and to learn from it all. It’s about becoming. It’s about being – it’s about being present in the world. It’s about being real. It’s about being. It is. It is what it is. And, through it all, no one can ever take away your okayness. Whatever life brings you, you are okay. Whatever life has brought to you, you are okay. Whatever you bring to yourself and your life, you are okay. You will always be okay and you will always stay okay. There is nothing that is irreversible. Other than death.

When I wrote to you in 2019 to be read in 2020 I was glad that you evidently planned on being here for the year. You sorta planned on it. Now, I’m glad that you really do plan on it. My goal for 2019 was taking ownership of my life. I’m glad you’ve done that. I wonder if there is a one word/sentence plan for the next year that you can look back on and see. I wonder if there is a word/sentence intention for the year. Maybe safety. Maybe okayness. Maybe just being present. What I really want for the year, what I really hope you’ve learned is the past year, is feelings/emotions. I hope that you’re able to identify what you feel, I hope you know what you feel, and know how to deal with it. I don’t expect you to fully know. It’s what I hope the year gives to you. It’s what I hope the year has given to you. The knowledge, awareness, and understanding of yourself and your world.

I love you E. Whatever the past year has brought to you, whatever it hasn’t brought to you, you are okay. I also wonder who you’re living with now. I wonder who your company is. It would be cool to see ahead, and it would also take away from it. If you could look ahead and see what is, there is no way you’d live through it. I’m glad you haven’t been able to see ahead. Let this year be one of awareness. And gratitude. And okayness.

I’m glad you’re here E. I’m glad you’re here reading this a year later. I’m glad you’ve lived through the year. I’m glad you wanted to. Really wanted to. I’m glad you’re charting your path. I’m glad you’ve been learning to live for yourself and are creating a life for yourself. I’m glad you’ve been taking responsibility for yourself. I’m glad you’re giving to others. I’m grateful you’re here. And I hope that you are too.

I love you E. And I’m with you. Always and forever. I always will be with you. You’re worth it and deserve only goodness and okayness.

Love you, E

I hope that the next year of 2021 to 2022 brings awesome things your way.

Love, light and lotsa glitter and sparkles

E

Happy Chanukah

Big menorah - in public. Shamash and one flame for first night chanukah lit.
First night Chanukah. Public menorah. Centre is the shamash- flame used to light the rest of the lights.
2 flames - 2nd night chanukah, 2 flames in a silver rectangular menorah
Second night chanukah (tonight)

Wishing you all a happy holidays. I haven’t been around much because my head is a mess so don’t, for the most part, have headspace. I thought with it being hols I’d have more time but I guess time without headspace doesn’t give anything. I am thinking of you all and looking forward to catching up with your blogs and posting more when I can. There are some posts I want to write for the new year, it may end up happening late. Take care of yourself. You are worth it!!! Thank you for being here… so long as there is life, there is hope.

Chanukah sameach!

Love, light and glitter

Shloime Gertner and Buchi Glick singing for Chanukah.