Michael, 15 years old, started baking when he was 11 and had to quit school due to his epilepsy. For each pastry someone buys he gives one away to the homeless or poor. He’s taken his life challenges and is using it to help others…
Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.
Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.
I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.
Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.
For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.
Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.
My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.
It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.
Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.
Everything. I don’t think I can choose a specific thing. A couple pictures from the past week.
All my pictures are always taken on the automatic setting and are unedited/filtered. I love the raw beauty of the world.
If you have any pictures to share please link them so that I can see…
Gratitude challenge day 17: Write about your favourite part of the day.
That’s a tough one. I’m not really doing anything nowadays. The best part of the day is probably looking outside and seeing blue sky. And holding my niece. Last night when I was up all night I heard animals and birds singing and talking. That was amazing…
Simon did this last year, and yet again this year. Check his letter out here. I should have read his before writing mine… I’d hoped to write myself something way more profound and intelligent. I’d love to see your letters if you write to yourself 🙂
Dear Eliza of 2021
It’s weird to be writing this letter, less weird to be reading it. After all, it’s a letter addressed to you, isn’t it. Eliza of 2021. Though really Eliza, you are the same person you were a year ago. Yah, very different too, but you’re yet the same. I had loads of plans for what I wanted to write, this isn’t what I envisioned. When I read the letter you wrote a year ago, to be read today, I saw that you were humoured by what you were writing, yet when I was reading it, it just wasn’t at all funny. So I don’t know what you will find entertaining today. I don’t know who you are today.
Hi Eliza. Yet another year has gone by. A year. 12 months. 360 days or so. A year. 24 hours in every single day. I wonder what the past year has brought to you. I wonder what you have brought to the past year. I wonder what the world has given you. I wonder what you have given the world. As of writing this, you’ve a year ahead of you. When you read this, you’ll be looking back at the past year. I hope when you read it, you’ll look back with pride. I hope you’ll be proud of yourself. I know that I’m proud of you and that in a years time I will be, too. I hope you’ll look back and see all the good things.
A year ago (well, as of writing it’s today, but when you read it, it’ll be a year ago) you were burning yourself and using to burn more. A year ago you knew you didn’t want it for your life. Today, I hope you can look back and see that what you dreamed of then is your reality. That today you aren’t self harming. That today, you are looking after yourself. I hope that today you are looking after your body. I hope you are respecting yourself. And that if you aren’t, it’s just a temporary blip. For you’ll continue on.
I don’t imagine it’s been an easy year for you. I hope you’ve found it worthwhile. Life is a journey. A journey you didn’t ask to be on, but one that I’m glad you’re partaking in. A journey that meanders. There are hills and valleys. Sunsets and sunrises. Rocks and grass. Sunshine and night. It’s a journey. I don’t know where the last year will have taken you. I don’t know what path you’ve travelled. I know it’s been a journey. Just a tiny segment of the journey of life.
I want so much for you in this year. That when you’re reading this, I’m hoping you can look back and appreciate. I want you to respect your own boundaries more than you do. Just more than. For, I don’t expect you to get there. There is no end goal. For every single step you take brings you to another step. Every mountain you climb has a mountain to climb back down. Every stream you pass will be walked over or rowed across. I hope that you’ll know more about what you believe. That you’ll be more comfortable with yourself and your beliefs. That you’ll be able to live by them with confidence. Irrespective of others. For, it’s your journey and not theirs. It’s your journey Eliza. One that no one else can travel for you. Your choices are yours to make and yours to own. I’m hoping that you own that. That you appreciate, respect and value that. I’m hoping that you’re living your life for yourself.
I wonder where you’re living now. I’m guessing at home, though you may be anywhere at all. Not really anywhere, but yes, anywhere is possible. I wonder what you’ve studied. I wonder whether you’ve finished the course you’ve started. You know that you can do it. I wonder whether you’ve included exercise into your routine. I wonder who is a part of your life today. I wonder who your new friends are. I hope you’ve made some new friends, and I hope you’re friends still with your friends of today. I hope the S’s are a part of your life. It’s funny how your friends all have the same initials.
I wonder. I wonder where you’re at today. I do know that wherever you at it’ll have been a journey. I know the past year is one in which you’ve learnt a lot. About yourself, your family and the world. I hope that you’re feeling safer within yourself and the world. I hope you’ll have found that safety and okayness that has often been so elusive. I’m hoping the year has been one of presentness, or becoming more and more present. You are way more present than you ever were.
I used to think there were end goals. I knew where I wanted to get to. I knew where I wanted you to be. And the end goals were ‘it’. Now, I know differently. I know it’s not like that. That there is no end destination. That it’s about going along for the ride and learning to love the ride, to enjoy where it takes us, and to learn from it all. It’s about becoming. It’s about being – it’s about being present in the world. It’s about being real. It’s about being. It is. It is what it is. And, through it all, no one can ever take away your okayness. Whatever life brings you, you are okay. Whatever life has brought to you, you are okay. Whatever you bring to yourself and your life, you are okay. You will always be okay and you will always stay okay. There is nothing that is irreversible. Other than death.
When I wrote to you in 2019 to be read in 2020 I was glad that you evidently planned on being here for the year. You sorta planned on it. Now, I’m glad that you really do plan on it. My goal for 2019 was taking ownership of my life. I’m glad you’ve done that. I wonder if there is a one word/sentence plan for the next year that you can look back on and see. I wonder if there is a word/sentence intention for the year. Maybe safety. Maybe okayness. Maybe just being present. What I really want for the year, what I really hope you’ve learned is the past year, is feelings/emotions. I hope that you’re able to identify what you feel, I hope you know what you feel, and know how to deal with it. I don’t expect you to fully know. It’s what I hope the year gives to you. It’s what I hope the year has given to you. The knowledge, awareness, and understanding of yourself and your world.
I love you Eliza. Whatever the past year has brought to you, whatever it hasn’t brought to you, you are okay. I also wonder who you’re living with now. I wonder who your company is. It would be cool to see ahead, and it would also take away from it. If you could look ahead and see what is, there is no way you’d live through it. I’m glad you haven’t been able to see ahead. Let this year be one of awareness. And gratitude. And okayness.
I’m glad you’re here Eliza. I’m glad you’re here reading this a year later. I’m glad you’ve lived through the year. I’m glad you wanted to. Really wanted to. I’m glad you’re charting your path. I’m glad you’ve been learning to live for yourself and are creating a life for yourself. I’m glad you’ve been taking responsibility for yourself. I’m glad you’re giving to others. I’m grateful you’re here. And I hope that you are too.
I love you Eliza. And I’m with you. Always and forever. I always will be with you. You’re worth it and deserve only goodness and okayness.
Love you, E
I hope that the next year of 2021 to 2022 brings awesome things your way.
So I looked up some more of the same… I find the quote/saying very apropos for today, for always. It’s hard to see. It’s hard to look back and see that there was a journey, especially when it seems like it’s all been dissed and ruined. When it seems like I’ve wrecked it by self harming and continuing to. For, their is no wreckage of the journey taken. It still happened. It still was. And it was all awesome. Regardless of what today is. Today can never take away the passed.
Wishing you all a happy holidays. I haven’t been around much because my head is a mess so don’t, for the most part, have headspace. I thought with it being hols I’d have more time but I guess time without headspace doesn’t give anything. I am thinking of you all and looking forward to catching up with your blogs and posting more when I can. There are some posts I want to write for the new year, it may end up happening late. Take care of yourself. You are worth it!!! Thank you for being here… so long as there is life, there is hope.