I hate the superiority complex I have.

I learnt something about myself in the last few days that I absolutely hate. I’m trying to never say I hate myself. I abhor this trait I have. I detest what I learnt about myself. It goes against all my values and beliefs.

Something about myself is that I love everyone. That I care for everyone. Almost everyone. There are a few people who bug me. Everyone except them.

I can’t stand what I’ve learnt. I’m not elitist. I’m really not. Yet. I am.

I don’t have patience for stupid people.

There. I said it.

I was talking to someone and getting frustrated at their stupid question. Now, I always thought that this particular frustration was defense. The feeling of not being heard. When someone questions what I have said. When someone questions the obvious- what I have said. I feel like they haven’t listened to me. And because I have never been listened to I get defensive and therefore frustrated.

Um. I wish that were so.

This person was asking on what I had just said. And I got so annoyed. Die to another conversation about how intellectual different people are I realised this about myself. Because it’s often annoying for me to talk to 2 other people. They ask such stupid questions and I don’t have the patience for it.

The reason it’s so antithetical to me is I’ve a friend who is learning disabled. I work in the SEN department. I work primarily with children who struggle. Me? Elitist? I hate what I’ve seen.

Since I’m aware of it I notice it in conversations with said person faster. I’ve been explaining to said person how to query what they want to know rather than react the way they are which suggests disbelief. I’ve been catching myself getting frustrated with said person and changing caps – instead of trying to hold a normal conversation, changing gears to explain and break it down. I’m definitely getting less annoyed with said person. I’ve always known they were intellectually stupid.

I don’t see them being intellectually lacking as negative. They’re extremely perceptive and insightful and have taught me a LOT through some of their insights. I don’t necessarily agree with all they say but they’ve definitely shown me another side to some situations that I never would have thought of.

I think sometimes the way they ask is insulting and jarring. And because they don’t know what they don’t understand they are asking the same thing quite literally 5 times over (sometimes 10).

I hate that I’m not naturally okay with it. It goes against all my values and beliefs. I guess it’s good I learnt it about myself now so that I can change it. I seriously abhor and detest the knowledge. Trying to take back the automatic I hate myself for this.

So I’ve learnt I’m I don’t know the word. Is it bigoted? Elitist? I don’t know what it is. And just Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.