LTM: From the younger E

This was meant to be a letter from the younger E, to the E I am today. I wrote it after Imi Lo’s journal prompt in her book Emotional sensitivity and intensity. (I’d definitely recommend the book). Sometimes mixed up.

Dear E

Life is a journey that isn’t always going to be easy. You’re going to be taught that it’s not safe for you to express your feelings. Your mother doesn’t accept her own feelings. She can’t hold or accept yours. The only way for her to cope with her childrens life is to live in denial. Your teachers and school will feel threatened by your questions, especially when you correct them on their facts, or query what they’ve never themselves thought about. They will teach you that it’s not safe to think. Your life experiences will come to teach you that it’s not safe to be.

I’m here to tell you that it is safe. I’m here to tell you to embrace the curiosity that you lived with until you learnt to shut it down. I’m here to remind you about the constant connection to a source that you lived with. When you used to live with the constant awareness that every breath you took was a gift, where every breath was a renewal of life and connection to a source. I’m here to tell you to remember when you used to know that whatever was meant to be, would be, that you just had to believe and tune in, and your life would reflect that knowledge. People won’t and don’t understand. They will think you’re crazy and you’ll learn to turn off the connection. To believe that what you think and feel can’t possibly be true. For all the adults in your life tell you it isn’t so. And tell you that you’re lying.

You won’t be understood. When you express a physical (and emotional too) sensation people will think you’re overreacting. They won’t believe you when you’re in pain. You’ll retreat and shut down. You’ll think abnormal physical sensations are normal because you’ll have learnt to ignore what you know. You’ll learn to ignore everday physical sensations until they’re really noticable. Because being isn’t safe. Because people can’t handle your reality. Because they don’t understand it. Most the world don’t bruise from someone bumping into them. You will. The people who bump into you will care that you’re upset. They won’t apologise and will want you to apologise for getting upset. They’ll think you’re crazy.

Your boundaries won’t be respected. You won’t know you’re allowed to have boundaries because your mother has none. And when you try put boundaries in place she’ll scream at you, be hurt, and upset. When you question if her crossing boundaries are okay you’ll be told that you’re too sensitive and it’s your issue.

E, I’m here to remind you of beforehand. Before you internalised the messages that you’re guilty. Before your safety in the world was taken away. Before your safety and trust in yourself was taken away. You lived with curiosity. You lived with openness. You lived with intuition and understanding that all your friends trusted – everyone but you. Your future friends will always believe really strongly in your intuition and knowledge. They will rely on what you know. Believe them.

Life will teach you many things E. You can go back and teach yourself. Relearn. You can cone back to the innocence. To the safety. To the love.

You’re worth it E. You’re so worth it.

I believe in you. I know that you can do it. No matter what the world teaches you. You can override their messages. And embrace all you were today, as an adult.

Love you.

Always and forever.


(The one thing that confuses me is how unsafe my world was, and is, when my childhood was a pretty normal childhood.)

Today has been today.

Today has been. Today. Today has been today. How profound is that?

This morning I was messaging TC (a friend) which was good. T always makes me smile. Even just thinking of her. And she shared something cool with me. This morning as in my kind of ‘morning’. This afternoon went out. Was just really calm and okay. Didn’t take much cocodamol this afternoon.

Only took when I came home a couple hours ago. And then felt really icky. It’s like a bone weariness and exhaustion and general ickiness that comes from it. It was interesting to really see the effects.

RR said to set my sites on a goal. Any goal.

There is a dream I have. I wrote a letter I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself. My dream is to have a selection of letters. To have a number of letters from others.

Would you write a letter? Would you write something like that? If you are happy to, please do, and post it, link it, share it etc. If there is enough we can do something with it…. one warning point though is that I want them suitable for everyone. So nothing religious there.

Today’s been good.

I want to use more and I don’t want to.

I don’t see another choice. But, it’s the first time in the past couple weeks that I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to always keep using cocodamol. That I don’t like how it makes me feel – physically, the general under the weatherness. That maybe I see a life beyond it.

So, that’s today. As I said, today has been today.

TW: Thinking about the thoughts of using.

Trigger warning. Please do not read this if it could trigger or disrupt you in any way.

I was thinking. About how much I think about using cocodamol. Just a few. Just to see if it helps. I liked bgddyjim’s post. It got me thinking. How using, which I think of so often, even just to see, will ultimately end in suicide. Well, I’ve always known that.

I realised that thinking of using is an instinctive thought. And it makes sense it is so instinctive because it is something that has helped me in the past and would help me in the present. I know if I start it’ll end up with suicide because eventually I’ll go back to the plan I had (which involved using), which however much is/was designed to fail, it was designed with different things in mind and I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. The thoughts of self harming (which are pretty much as constant as using – it goes, I wonder what would happen if I use or self harm) are more real, especially because, well, no because. It’s just that I do more. I’ve not done anything that would scar and I hope I don’t – I really don’t want more scars. I guess self harming doesn’t take me down the same tracks (to suicide) as using does. And I don’t count anything I do to myself as anything related to self harm. (I guess yay me for finally acknowledging that what I do probably comes under the category of self harm – even if and though I dont think that’s really why I’m doing it.) I guess it’s a bit like my issues with food. It’s not okay and will have to change one day but I’m leaving it on the backburner and not making it into a bigger deal than it is, and when I can deal with it I will.

My goal for the new year is to by the end of the next year have thrown away all that I have collected. Thinking about it, I haven’t bought any more in a long while. Thinking of using can be really real. I can and do visualise myself taking some. Opening a box and taking a few. I can feel, smell and sorta taste it. More often than I’d like. But in reality it isn’t what I want.

More than I want to use, I want to be okay.  More than I want to cut off from it – my world, life, everything – I want to be present and learn to live with all that I don’t know. So, it’s the realisation. That I’ve been thinking of using lots, and it’s quote on quote normal. It makes sense that I’ll think of doing something that helped me in the past and would help me. It doesn’t mean I’ll act on it. It doesn’t mean I have to act on it. It doesn’t have to define me.

And I get to choose. I have a choice. I choose, for this moment in time, I choose life. I choose, for this moment in time, to see all the possibilities, all that could be. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe in hope, in change, in growth, in a future. I choose, for this moment in time, to believe that I’m worthy of that future and that even if I don’t deserve it, I can get to live with it anyways. I choose life. For this moment I choose life.

Song of the day: That’s not my name, Ting Ting

I don’t know why I’ve always loved this song, but I just have. It’s nothing inspirational, nothing moving, just, cute. Maybe I feel like it describes me. ‘That’s not my name’. You may call me what you like. You may think you know me. But all that you call me, all that you say, you don’t really know me. That’s not my name. I’m me. And I’ll still be me. Regardless of what you may or may not think.

This is the official Ting Ting video, so I hope it works. I’m embedding another official link here in case you can’t see it. If neither works please let me know.

Monday’s quote (thank you Linda, I love it!) is here.

Life’s heading – somewhere?

This is sorta religious based. Well, I thought it was going to be, but ended up rambling instead.

I was listening to a class by Yitzchak Berkowitz just now. He was saying that life leads you somewhere. Backtrack. This world is finite. For finite to exist there has to be infinity. Infinity has to be unity for the infinite can’t be split. It’s a contradiction, how something finite can coexist with the infinite. Finite can either be existing outside, or within the infinite. It’d have to be within, for if it’s external, what’s giving finite existence? Finite is limit. If we look at the finite we can see what the infinite is like for everything finite is part of the infinite. The finite world lives with rules. Connection. Communication. The earthworms plough the fields. Humanity is slowly heading to peace. The point of the finite is to connect to the infinite by becoming like the infinite. On a national level we see this – how humanity slowly stop destroying the world. On a personal level every person is created with their unique character flaws, their own mission to correct. A person will constantly be led in the direction they’re meant to go. A person who trips and falls learns to look where they’re going. An introvert will be placed in more situations where they have to speak up than anyone else. A person who doesn’t think before they speak will put their foot in their mouth in more situations than would be expected. A person who can’t stop talking will be placed in more situations where they have to be silent than others. Every person is led to perfect themselves, to connect to the infinite, by being like the infinite (infinity, by definition, has to be perfection).

What’s my purpose? Where’s life leading me? I wonder if there’s a way for me to see it and/or know.

It’s actually a little interesting that I was listening to that this morning, for the past couple of weeks is the first time (in my entire life that I recall, definitely in the past 5 years) that I’m beginning to see that there could be a life. It was/has always been about the opposite. First it was suicidality with no awareness of it. Before that, I never really lived in the world. I used to wonder if I was living in a dream and would one day wake up. I used to wonder if I was really real or a figment of my imagination – I know, where’s ‘my’ imagination coming from, or someone’s imagination. After I chose to give life a go 2.5 years ago, it’s always been, just hang on, coz’ it’s worth it, for there has to be something more. What’s the something? Who knows. Just believe. Believe in those who have done it before. Believe in the impossibility. Life’s been all about hanging on. When I stopped using a year and a half ago (and slipped up after that, it’s been a year since I’ve used cocodamol), it’s all been about hanging on. Yeah, life has changed too. I’m way more present. I don’t wonder if I’m real or not for I know I’m real. I don’t wonder if I’m living in a dream for I know this world is reality. Actually, AH (I actually miss AH. He’s my ex therapist, he ended it/I wrecked it) told me when I told him I wanted to fly to see him that he found the desire for reality moving. He knew just how ‘unreal’ my world was. I’d wanted to fly to him because I wanted it to be real (well, that’s when it ended). Life is a lot more ‘real’ than it was. Real actually describes what I mean really well. One day recently someone attached a link to an interview with a girl who described depersonalisation/derealisation. Listening to it described what my life used to be like to a tee. Thankfully it’s less so. There’s still the nothingness so often. There’re still all the walls that I can’t go past. I can’t access myself, or my world. But in a way lesser extent.

So listening to this class now was perfect timing. About the fact that every persons life leads them to where they’re meant to go. When I’m beginning to feel like there may just be a future for me. I’m beginning to see a future. Able to think more realistically about studying, what and how I want to do it. I don’t know where I want to live. I don’t know where I want my life to take me. And in a way that’s pretty cool. For it means I’ve a blank canvas that I can decorate however it pleases. I’ll probably do lotsa things I hate in the process. And that’s okay. I’ve no clue what I even like nowadays, if I like anything much (other than giving), I know some of that is depression style, some of that, most of that, is that life could never be about me. Life’s always been about others. What do others want. If I was going out with someone, it was about what they wanted to do. It was frustrating that it was never about me, but truth be told, it couldn’t be, for there was never really a ‘me’ there.

It’s not that I don’t still want to use and mess up. For I do. Always. It’s that instead of life being only about hanging on and staying away, it looks like maybe it can be about learning what the future can be. Exploring the endless possibilities. See where life is trying to lead me and embracing it. I hope I’m able to hold that in mind. For I’ve still no clue what I want from life or where I want life to take me. And for the moment that’s awesome.

Actually, it’s not quite true. For the past year and a half I’ve been skirting around working through what I believe. I’ve been brought up religious and I act religious – externally – whilst having no clue what I believe. Now I actually feel ready to work through whether I think it’s true or not. I want to. I want to work through it. I always wanted to, but wanted to in a very different way. Now I want to because I can see it guiding my life. I may come to believe it’s true. I may come to believe it’s not true. If it’s true, there’s definitely what I’d have to work through. I’d want to believe that the infinite – god – is good, rather than selfish. I can see that as a possibility. Which is pretty cool. It feels like I’ve taken forever (a year and a half!!) to work through nothing. I hate that I take so long for anything and everything. And, it is what it is. Whatever I know is really real to me. I’m also grateful.

I wrote this title before I finished this post. The title is eerily true of my life at the moment. Life is heading – somewhere.

Love, light and glitter

And so the journey begins – or continues…

I’m creating this as another blog site. I wonder if it’s a good idea or not. I wonder if I’m crazy. I wonder if I’ll regret it. The past week so much has been going through my mind. I’ve been struggling a lot and a lot has happened – in my head – and I’ve been wanting some place to put it all down. Every time I ramble on my site – I feel guilty. For the site is meant to be about reasons. Were it posts about life, that are reasons to live, even if indirectly so, I wouldn’t feel as guilty. But writing about the struggle not to use cocodamol? Or writing about the therapist I saw a few times who offered touch and when I freaked about it told me she couldn’t work with me as she wasn’t attuned to me – without waiting to hear that I actually appreciated the offer, I just waited to find out that it wasn’t crossing boundaries (which it wasn’t). About the journey to find a therapist. About what I want from life (to know what’s going on in my world!). I honestly feel like I’ll be boring anyone who reads this to death. Yet I want to do this. I want a space to write. I want a space to be. I want to find a space that maybe I’ll feel just a tad less alone. I wonder if this will help. I wonder if this blog will come to life or not. I wish I could write more on my site. I wish I could think of more reasons to live. I want to. I really want to. At the moment when every moment is a struggle I can’t. It’s not even such a struggle, for there’s just such distance – between me and the world, between me and myself. When I try dialogue journaling which often helps, I just meet the nothingness, the real ‘nothing’ that there’s nothing there at the moment. I know it’s both positive and negative. I never edit what I write. It’s also just freeflow. I plan on continuing that here. Maybe here I’ll feel okay to do the quote challenges and things that I like and often see.

Anyways, this post is meant to be an introduction to this site. I wasn’t sure what to title it. Journey through life. Journey to life. So I did both. The tagline of my other site is ‘journey from suicidality’. I thought it apropos to call this ‘journey to life’. It IS about that. About my journey to life. I’m not about to end my life. I don’t want to be here. I want to get to a place where it’s about living. About loving life. For as my tagline goes, well one of my taglines ;), so long as there’s life, there’s hope.

I’d really love your support and guidance here. If you ever have any, thanks in advance…

Love, light and glitter