LTM: From the younger E

This was meant to be a letter from the younger E, to the E I am today. I wrote it after Imi Lo’s journal prompt in her book Emotional sensitivity and intensity. (I’d definitely recommend the book). Sometimes mixed up.

Dear E

Life is a journey that isn’t always going to be easy. You’re going to be taught that it’s not safe for you to express your feelings. Your mother doesn’t accept her own feelings. She can’t hold or accept yours. The only way for her to cope with her childrens life is to live in denial. Your teachers and school will feel threatened by your questions, especially when you correct them on their facts, or query what they’ve never themselves thought about. They will teach you that it’s not safe to think. Your life experiences will come to teach you that it’s not safe to be.

I’m here to tell you that it is safe. I’m here to tell you to embrace the curiosity that you lived with until you learnt to shut it down. I’m here to remind you about the constant connection to a source that you lived with. When you used to live with the constant awareness that every breath you took was a gift, where every breath was a renewal of life and connection to a source. I’m here to tell you to remember when you used to know that whatever was meant to be, would be, that you just had to believe and tune in, and your life would reflect that knowledge. People won’t and don’t understand. They will think you’re crazy and you’ll learn to turn off the connection. To believe that what you think and feel can’t possibly be true. For all the adults in your life tell you it isn’t so. And tell you that you’re lying.

You won’t be understood. When you express a physical (and emotional too) sensation people will think you’re overreacting. They won’t believe you when you’re in pain. You’ll retreat and shut down. You’ll think abnormal physical sensations are normal because you’ll have learnt to ignore what you know. You’ll learn to ignore everday physical sensations until they’re really noticable. Because being isn’t safe. Because people can’t handle your reality. Because they don’t understand it. Most the world don’t bruise from someone bumping into them. You will. The people who bump into you will care that you’re upset. They won’t apologise and will want you to apologise for getting upset. They’ll think you’re crazy.

Your boundaries won’t be respected. You won’t know you’re allowed to have boundaries because your mother has none. And when you try put boundaries in place she’ll scream at you, be hurt, and upset. When you question if her crossing boundaries are okay you’ll be told that you’re too sensitive and it’s your issue.

E, I’m here to remind you of beforehand. Before you internalised the messages that you’re guilty. Before your safety in the world was taken away. Before your safety and trust in yourself was taken away. You lived with curiosity. You lived with openness. You lived with intuition and understanding that all your friends trusted – everyone but you. Your future friends will always believe really strongly in your intuition and knowledge. They will rely on what you know. Believe them.

Life will teach you many things E. You can go back and teach yourself. Relearn. You can cone back to the innocence. To the safety. To the love.

You’re worth it E. You’re so worth it.

I believe in you. I know that you can do it. No matter what the world teaches you. You can override their messages. And embrace all you were today, as an adult.

Love you.

Always and forever.

E.

(The one thing that confuses me is how unsafe my world was, and is, when my childhood was a pretty normal childhood.)

Journaling 103 (6) What do I need in order for it to change?

I dialogue journalled last night for at least a couple hours. There’s both what I need in order to stop, and what I need or needs to change so that I don’t need the destruction.

In order to stop I just need support. What that would look like is people checking in with me. Believing in me. Telling me they believe in me. I don’t mean that they need to be updated on what/why. E would do that for me. She’d email me a short couple lines every so often.. As long as she doesn’t feel responsible or see it as a burden knowing it’s okay if she doesn’t, that would be okay. I just need people to be there. E would be. I can and have asked her in the past. I don’t know who else would.

And people who’ll stay in the loop. People who’ll be happy to be in touch however often works for them. Be there in whatever way works for them… just people. I need people in my life.

Support also looks like therapy. Not to process or change anything. Just someone to be there. Who I can share all I write with. Who I can drive crazy. In the way it was with my ex therapist AH. I’d email/whatsapp him a lot. That’s really where most our communication took place.

To be able to live life without using I need to be able to handle living life. How?

Mindfulness, being present, helps lots. And lots. Which is why I’m so grateful for the MBSR course I’m doing.

ACA may help – they’re doing a 6 week introduction starting in a few weeks. It’s a 12 step programme. I just don’t have the energy to look for people who have been in ACA for over a year who are living recovery. I did try to look but can’t at the moment. I do think it’ll help some though.

Journalling. That’s actually the biggest thing. Writing helps me process my world. I’ve always been told that my writing is the best therapy. AH used to tell me that a lot upon reading what I wrote. A couple other therapists I’ve been in touch with in the past said the same. I don’t process my world through talking to others. Which is why I’ve never wanted and would never use therapy to talk or process through talking. That’s what journaling is for.

Some way of learning skills. Either with a therapist (ideally) or through workbooks. Just needs to be with someone for I won’t actually do it on my own. Skills isn’t the right word. Primarily on learning to identify, recognise, and handle emotions and feelings. At the moment I believe I’m lying whenever I say I think or feel anything. Because it doesn’t stay or isn’t true a moment later. Sometimes I do stay with what I feel. Most times I don’t. Most times as soon as I engage with whatever it is, it just isn’t there. So mindfulness helps with being present. But more than that, I need to learn what/how etc. I want to experience emotions in my body and then be able to handle them. I thought I was learning to do that. Maybe I even was. Then I decided to try destroy my life (yeah, I blame myself for the destruction). I want to stop zoning out or freaking out. Whenever I try engage with myself I either zone out or freak out – cut off or it’s beyond too much.

I’m pretty certain I live with anxiety. But if that ever comes up I’ll deal with that then. I’ll only know if I do or don’t when I live with my feelings experientially. I think I do because that’s the only physical sensation I experience – not breathing or shaking


There are 2 main things that aren’t conducive to getting to a place of okayness.

1. Living at home. Mainly refererring to my mother and special needs sister. My other sister who lives at home I’m so grateful for. Yesterday I was dialogue journalling, making a plan for what I need and how to get there etc. Because I want to stop using. I came home in middle of journalling (I was away). When I picked up journalling my response was; I don’t know if I’m ready to stop. Why? Because I need it when I’m home. Using gives me a grip and handle on my world. Not eating does too. And when I’m home I need that grip so much more. My sn sister talks pretty literally all the time. I can’t not listen to someone talking to me. She needs attention all the time. She, and my mother, just use so much energy that I don’t have spare. It’s not healthy for me to live in my room. Being with them isn’t healthy either…

Living at home I don’t have the freedom to be myself. I can’t be myself. I can’t explore or learn who I am, would be, or want to be. That’s not as much of an issue as above. It’s something I’ll have to deal with some day. Whenever I leave the culture I’m living in I’ll destroy my father. My father is a really good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Again that’s not for now. There’s also a lot of pressure and constant negative feedback at home.

The other big thing is work. Work is good because it gives structure. I can give myself that structure through volunteering. It’s not good because I don’t have the headspace. I’m using all my energy to just hold onto the world. To just stay okay. To try make the right choices – and constantly feel as though I’m failing. For I’m still using and I’m destroying myself. As long as I’m destroying myself I can’t really be trying. Or I’m not trying hard enough.

I teach. If I’m not giving my students my all I’m failing them. Also, I don’t teach the easy students. I teach those who need the help and support. I teach those who need 110%. I’m finding it really hard to focus on anything at all for long. I get distracted really easily. I’m not finding it easy to concentrate. I’m not really sleeping. I don’t know. Not really a point thinking about it. For I’m going to try… try give it my all and see. I am working less hours and not doing the part of my job I did last year that I hated. I’m going to be earning very little. Definitely not earning enough as it is. I’m still paying off a course that I haven’t done. Education that I really want but have no headspace for.


So in a few lines what does this leave me with?

In order to stop I really need to have more people as a support in my life. For various reasons most my friends aren’t an option. They’re friends and I’m grateful for them. Some of them are definitely a reason I don’t want to kill myself. They’ll want me there. E will be via email. Another E who I don’t know well would be also, just dunno what to ask her for. Support as in people not only friends. If my GP puts the referral through to the HBTT (home based treatment team) it would give me the pretty much 24/7 help I’d need to handle stopping. If not, I don’t know.

Learning – mindfulness I’m doing. Hopefully will do ACA. And I don’t know. I don’t know how to learn the rest… if the NHS will offer any of it. If they don’t could ask someone I’m thinking of privately, just not relevant as long as there’s any risk factors in my life. Which as long as I’m using there are. (Food or any other self harm isn’t a risk factor in that way).

Living at home isn’t good for me but I don’t have another option at the moment. Working isn’t good for me but unless I have some way of getting money it also isn’t an option to just stop working.

Random sorta unrelated positive comment. I’m thinking of buying myself a new expensive phone. Been pushing if off in a large part because it’s a waste of time to buy it if I may not be around to enjoy it. But I will be. Or as I said to TC, I think I’ll get to 2700 gratitudes when I’m 27 (I’m writing out gratitudes, aiming for 2700 different ones for when I turn 27), and it’s kinda amazing in a neutral way that I actually envision myself turning 27.

Dialogue with myself about Hope and Destruction

19th July 2020


E, who is running the show?
Life, I think.
What does ‘Life’ look like?
Not Life. Hope is.
What does ‘Hope’ look like?
Not like Destruction.
What does Destruction look like?
I can’t see because it is so all encompassing that it is everything so not possible to define it.
What does Hope want?
Love.
Can you give Hope Love?
No. I don’t know what Love is.
Is there anything you can give Hope?
No. I don’t like Hope.
Who do you like?
Destruction. Destruction is my friend. Destruction knows me. Hope doesn’t. I don’t know or like Hope.
But you’re letting Hope run the show?
Yeah. Others believe Hope is right. Others believe I should. I can always call Destruction back. And Hope doesn’t tell me I can’t use (cocodamol). Else Hope would be long gone.
What does Hope tell you?
I don’t want to listen to her.
Why not?
She scares me.
Hope scares you?
Yeah. It’ll get me hurt.
Hope will get you hurt?
She’s not going to stay. No one does.
What will happen if she goes?
Nothing. I’ll live with Nothing. And Destruction is always my friend.
So if you don’t like Hope you can always go back to Destruction?
Yes
That’s good. That’s really good. So you have Hope. And Destruction is there if you need him.
Yeah. He’s sad.
Why is he sad?
That I’ve abandoned him.
Have you?
No. But he wants to be my only friend.
Friends who don’t want you to have other friends aren’t healthy friends.
I know. But he is my only real friend..
Can you make other friends?
I don’t know. I’m not great at making friends.
I can be your friend.
You can’t. You don’t like me.
You think I don’t like you?
I know you don’t like me.
How do you know that?
You want me to be here. Obviously you hate me.
I want you to be here because I love you and love having you around.
That is selfish.
How’s it selfish?
Because you want what is best for you, and not what is good for me.
Hmm. True. Am I allowed to be selfish?
Yes. But that means you aren’t my friend. Friends aren’t selfish.
Can I be your friend a bit?
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
I want to be your friend. I love you. If you’re ever ready for me to be your friend I’m here. I will always love you.
That’s a lie.
What is?
All of it.
It’s true to me.
Whatever.
E, it’s okay. I’m sorry for hurting you.
You didn’t hurt me.
Can I talk to Hope?
Nope.
Why not?
You’ll tell Hope to stay.
How bad will it be if Hope stays?
Very. Destruction won’t always wait.
You can always go back to Destruction though.
I don’t know.
Will Destruction be your friend if you go back to him?
Yes.
So there you go.
You can talk to Destruction instead.
Do you want me to?
I don’t care what you do. I want you to go away.
You want me to go away?
You’re too reasonable. I don’t like you. You make me sound like a bratty teenager.
You don’t sound like a bratty teenager. You sound like a sad lost girl.
I’m not.
I didn’t say you were. I don’t think you’re bratty.
What do you think I am?
That doesn’t matter now E. It makes no difference. For I love you regardless.
Stop lying please.
I’m not lying. I’m owning my truth. I’m sorry it hurts you.
It doesn’t.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye E. You’re worth it.
I’m not.
I know you think that. I believe you are. Hope believes you are. Give us a chance.
Do I have a choice?
Always. You always have a choice. You always will have a choice. And you can always walk away into Destruction’s embrace. Destruction is there. He will always be there. As you said, he is your friend. He will always be your friend if you want. You may as well give others a chance too before you decide on a single friend to the exclusion of all else. I’m here E. Even when you don’t want me to be. I’m here.

When I first wrote this and wrote about it here, I was confused. Now, I appreciate the way I speak to myself. I’m kinda in awe in truth. And I’m touched by the truths I live regarding myself and friends.

Random.

So on edge. Shabbat soon.

Went for a drive. It helped whilst I was driving. Trying to consciously breathe properly. It doesn’t actually help at all. It helped when I was on the phone yesterday and someone else was talking.

I don’t want to journal because I know that if I do I’ll most probably cut off from it. And I hate the disconnect. When I journal whilst I’m on edge, when I tune into it, I usually disconnect from it, which makes me wonder where reality is, or if what I’m writing is even what I think. I rather not do anything that will create the disconnection. Journaling does help me but it’s not worth it. Asides that I’ve literally nothing to say.

Rambling 98673

I’m wondering if it was my imagination that I was okay.

Took cocodamol and if I wasn’t cutting off I would be scaring myself. I’m not crossing into the danger zone as of now but way too close for my liking. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I thought that was it with self harm or messing up my life. I was trying to build my life. And I thought I was doing so. Building a life for myself however slowly. I guess I really was. Working more. Working through what I believe. Connecting to a source, to people. Building health relationships with people and putting boundaries in place with others. The only thing I was messing with was food and it was okay. It really was okay. Unless I’m imagining that it was okay and really it wasn’t. I don’t know. Today is today. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t know what is behind any of it. At the moment it doesn’t seem too daunting – coz I’ve cut off from it. Reminds me how grateful I always was for being present. And the plans I was making for how to learn what I feel, to be present with what I feel. Why’m I rambling? I want to use more (cocodamol). For now not going to, will see if I can get to sleep first, since I’m not sure how safe it’ll be to take another 8. I know I’ve used more than 40 in the past. It’s so easy to take when you swallow (2 plus years ago when I was using I used soluble). Going to try and sleep. Was listening to a song earlier about god being with you always. Was wondering if there is a source of the world really with me. It’s possible, even if I can’t see why this is what a source would be wanting for me (and it’s not what I’m choosing. I really didn’t choose this). Writing too much. Let’s hope this makes some sort of sense. It’s too much became it’s not like I’m actually saying anything. I don’t want this – the messing my life up – for my life. So I’ll have to figure something out. Even if I was never meant to be in this place of destruction and never meant to have to figure it out. Though as I said, maybe it was just my imagination that I was okay. I know it wasn’t my imagination, but that makes the most sense for what is now. I know, I don’t need to rationalise anything, and I’ll figure it out later. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish I could just go back to what was and continue the upwards trajectory. You know, using has one benefit I never expected. I’ve cut off enough that in a sense I can see what I want more. I really won’t appreciate all the scars I’ve given myself. If I wasn’t here right now I would accept them much more. And I really should stop here.

Love, light and glitter 

Edit. Its nearly 7am. Been dozing on and off. Feeling dizzy, icky and been throwing up nothing. Travelling tonight and really want to be okay by then. (Somehow need to pack whilst feeling like this). When I’m away I won’t be messing up at all. That’s my plan. To then figure it out when back. And for now need to find a way to feel better. I used to like the dazedness of cocodamol. Really not feeling very good.

I’m tired, and wish this weren’t my reality. I was never meant to mess up with anything ever again. That was my plan anyways. I’m not sure what happened to derail it. And I know that isn’t important now. I just really wish it wasn’t what it is. I didn’t ask for it. And however much it’s obviously all my choices I don’t see how or where it ever really was a choice. That’s not what I came on to write. Now I just want to feel better (physically) and wonder if there is a way to.

Random ramblings 89. Part 2 (teaching)

The number 89 is arbitrary. Just the number I chose on. I always title my random ramblings with numbers. Like 27615, 289201, 58217. I could find them all, but…. ya know.

Change. Life is full of change. And I’m seeing the change. I’m seeing the positive. Yet. Yet. Yet. I guess this is why I thought the first post would be negative. It’s not the negativity. It’s the, the everything?

I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. I’ve started a pilates class which I’ll either be continuing or I won’t. It depends on the people doing the class, they seem to be uninterested in continuing, but it’s a group I really like, so if they do it, I’ll do it. I hope they do! I’ve joined a krav maga introductory class. I’m really loving it! I know I’ve only been to 2 classes, and there are only 2 more. I’m hoping there are more after this. I really like the instructor. I definitely find it hard to envision people and the need for it. Especially because I really believe that most people are good and that there most likely won’t be a need for it. But it’s fun. I’m looking forward to the next classes. I’m studying for a level 5 course. Supposedly doing assignments – although I’m not really doing it very much. Hopefully it’ll be done by the end of the year. And I’m working. I feel like I’m failing my students. Realistically speaking I can see that they have learned since the beginning of the year. I just see where I want them to be. Where they need to get to. How far they are from there. And I wonder if they’ll do better with another teacher. I know that for some of them what I teach is invaluable. Nearly half the lesson every day with one group is spent on discussing the feelings that is going on. How do we talk. The frustration. This group are finally settling down to learn though. I know that we do is worth it. They just aren’t where they’re meant to be. They’re not progressing as much as they can. And it is my fault. I need to be preparing more than I am. Find more games. It’s not true. I’m blaming myself for what isn’t my fault. With some of my other groups they’re learning, but what we’re learning is all what they are meant to have learned a year ago. I wonder if the way I’m teaching them is right. If really I should just go forward and let them pick it up on the way. And I know that they’re getting the grounding they need to. I know that all the students I teach, when they leave, they really know what they’ve been taught. They can use and apply whatever they’ve learned. I know it logically. Seeing it day to day, seeing how I’m going over the same things again, and again, and again, is tough. Though today I got a love letter from one of my students that I haven’t yet read. I guess it tells me I’m doing something right even if I find it hard to see. There is only one group of students who have learned, and/but they’re bright so there is nothing I’ve done for it.

My plan of action for group 1 is to first of all continue forward. Everything we learn new is going to take forever, so even though they’re not fully confident on what we’ve learned so far, go forward and keep going backwards too. Find worksheets, games and activities on what we’ve learned.

My plan of action for group 2 is easy. They’re bright and even though some of them take time to grasp new material, they learn, and they know. Keep on :).

Group 3, again create games and activities. Also go backwards. Bring to school what I bought for them and do the rainbow arc with them every day.

Group 4, again games and activities, on a higher level then the prior group.

Teaching anyone? I’ll look up some activities and resources now, and then maybe I’ll continue to a part 3, or I won’t. We’ll see.

If anyone teaches reading to anyone, and has ideas or strategies for teaching I’d love to hear.

Love, light and glitter

Random ramblings 89. Part 1

I don’t really know what I want this post to be about. Or what it will be about. Hence the title.

My world is a pretty weird place at the moment. And there is a knock on the door. But I’m not sure who is there. I’ll go see if it’s someone I’m happy to answer to.

Okay, random ramblings. I don’t even know where to start. This is completely for me. Because I haven’t been journaling at all recently. Journaling is good for me. It helps me put down what I’m thinking. Sometimes when I reread what I’ve written in the past I’m surprised at the insight I had. The knowledge I wasn’t aware I possessed. Which I see in the words. Journaling helps me to make sense of what is going on in my head. It categorises it, and puts it into words. Which is also why often I can’t journal. For there is too much there to be able to start. And I’m someone who goes with the flow. I write. Or I don’t write. I am. Or I’m not.

I don’t know what I think. What I want.

I was realising something over the weekend. That I don’t want to be here in 5 years time. I can’t envision myself living for yet another 5 years. Not in a ‘I want to die’ kind of way. Just that, another 5 years? Of life? What for? Why on earth would I do that? It made me realise that there is lots that needs to change. There needs to be meaning and purpose. I don’t mind living for today. I’m happy to live for today. Well, most the time I’m happy to live for today. For the day. And it’s about both. About both being okay with the present and with the future. I can’t envision a future. A future I haven’t yet created. And it needs to change. And I need to accept that the way I work is the way I work, and it’s a process, and, it will change. It really and truly will change.

Change. I’m seeing a lot how things have changed recently. I mean that recently I’m seeing it. One of the areas this is most pronounced is with touch. One of my friends used to touch me in order to get the kick of seeing me tense involuntarily. I want touch. I like touch. If I’m freaking out I probably won’t want anyone to touch me. Yet, I’m touching my friends a lot nowadays. They’re touching me too. In a normal, healthy, way. One of my friends said to me recently something about knowing I don’t like her touching me, and I thought, huh? I don’t mind touching you, I’d love to. I’m seeing change in the thought of relationships with people. I don’t know if I’d want to get married or not, but I want the connection of a relationship with someone. I don’t want the intimacy, yet I can imagine that I’d be ready for that part of a relationship for the others sake. It doesn’t draw me or have any sort of pull to me at all. I wonder if that would change if I’m in such a relationship. Or not. I actually really want a relationship with someone else. The connection. It doesn’t need to be intense. Scrap that. I need a relationship that is intense in the love, the care, and the reality, but that is really grounded, down to earth, present and fun. I don’t know if I care if it’s with a male or female. Although if I believe judaism to be true, I’d first date a male. I don’t really care for marriage either, though again, if I believe judaism to be true I’d presumably eventually marry.

Change. I saw it today. It was a random realisation when I arranged to have a sorta friend teach me hebrew. I was realising that eventually we’ll become friends. This is a person who I’ve a very light, fun relationship with. There’s nothing intense and I can’t imagine that she is someone I’ll ever share the intensity of my life with. Yet I can imagine being friends with her. (having another friend who is around 40). It’s a fun, easy, relaxed relationship. I taught her ‘hello, hello, hello, sir’. She was singing the hebrew playground songs she grew up with to me. It was strange because just the other day I was discussing relationships with someone and saying that the goal is not to define yourself by your intensity but to be able to have relationships that aren’t based on that. And I was saying that I can’t yet do that. All my friends are intense. All my friends have struggled – even if and though I’ve not necessarily discussed it ever with them. I was saying how the goal is to be able to have all relationships. Both the intense – as long as they’re healthy and balanced, and the non-intense and fun. It was actually surprising for me to then see today that I actually do.

I didn’t plan on rambling this stuff 🙂 I thought my post would be negative. I’m not in a negative space. I was just thinking it’s negative because I don’t know how to name this head-space, or define what it is. Because it’s just, different. And I haven’t journaled in so long…… really I should probably end this post here and start another one so that it isn’t too long…

So long as there’s life, there’s hope. (that’s for you L!)

Love, light and glitter

Thursday’s here

I began writing a post yesterday about how food is too much of an issue for my liking. It’s not actually that food is anymore of an issue than it always has been, rather that I hate this part, where I’m not eating and have to force myself to eat. I know it’ll pass. Just nauseous at the moment. I cooked some soup yesterday and warmed some up now for breakfast/dinner which I’ll have along with chicken. I hate forcing myself to swallow and then not doing anything about it. So now I’m feeling icky.

Onto more positive things, I went out yesterday in order to go out (after work, instead of sitting on the couch for the entire day). I’m really liking where I’m up to with copying out my letters to myself (some of which are online). At one point in time I decided that I wanted all the letters to myself copied out in a separate journal. Because it’s something I want to keep. I have all my journals, but my journals aren’t stuff I want to read for there’s way too much negativity there that if I read will send me spiraling. I do want the letters to myself. So I’ve been copying them out for a while now – every so often doing another. I’ve nearly finished a journal full of them. I wonder what I’ll do with them when I’ve copied all that I’ve written until today out. I guess we’ll see then.

I need to speak to my boss. I’m sure I wrote about it – Ramble 832. I took a few days to prepare myself and today I went to speak to him. He wasn’t in his office, so I’ll go again next week. It feels easier to go next week then it did until today, because now I actually went. So even though I didn’t speak to him I feel better about it.

I’ve been journaling more. Which is good. I don’t like how dark my writing can be (I haven’t decided whether to copy out something I wrote, probably not). I never used to write if it’d be that dark, I didn’t want the stuff written down on paper, which makes it more real. I didn’t want a copy of it anywhere. Nowadays I’m trying to let myself write it. It helps me to. It takes it from my head and puts it onto paper, which makes it less of a mess in my head (and more of a mess on paper). It doesn’t necessarily change it. Sometimes when I write the stuff, it lessens it. Sometimes it doesn’t, but it always makes it easier to handle, for it defines it. I hope to keep up with the 2 minutes of journaling a day, for then it won’t be months and months without.

Every day when I write a list of what I’m grateful for, the last line is ‘god, thank you for another day of life’. It’s not that I feel grateful. One of the things I include in my gratitude list at least half the days is ‘the day is over/the end of yet another day’. It’s not contradictory for they’re both true. I am always grateful when the day is finally over. I’m also thanking god for another day of life because I want to be grateful for another day. I want to appreciate that I lived for another day. And sometimes I actually do appreciate it – appreciate both that the day is finally over and that I lived through another day. Re-reading it in the morning (I usually write a gratitude list at night and usually reread it in the morning) is a reminder of the same – that another day is a gift (even if it’s a gift I may be uninterested in).

Going to go and eat something now. I’m teaching again soon and would like to be present for my students.