LTM: From the younger E

This was meant to be a letter from the younger E, to the E I am today. I wrote it after Imi Lo’s journal prompt in her book Emotional sensitivity and intensity. (I’d definitely recommend the book). Sometimes mixed up.

Dear E

Life is a journey that isn’t always going to be easy. You’re going to be taught that it’s not safe for you to express your feelings. Your mother doesn’t accept her own feelings. She can’t hold or accept yours. The only way for her to cope with her childrens life is to live in denial. Your teachers and school will feel threatened by your questions, especially when you correct them on their facts, or query what they’ve never themselves thought about. They will teach you that it’s not safe to think. Your life experiences will come to teach you that it’s not safe to be.

I’m here to tell you that it is safe. I’m here to tell you to embrace the curiosity that you lived with until you learnt to shut it down. I’m here to remind you about the constant connection to a source that you lived with. When you used to live with the constant awareness that every breath you took was a gift, where every breath was a renewal of life and connection to a source. I’m here to tell you to remember when you used to know that whatever was meant to be, would be, that you just had to believe and tune in, and your life would reflect that knowledge. People won’t and don’t understand. They will think you’re crazy and you’ll learn to turn off the connection. To believe that what you think and feel can’t possibly be true. For all the adults in your life tell you it isn’t so. And tell you that you’re lying.

You won’t be understood. When you express a physical (and emotional too) sensation people will think you’re overreacting. They won’t believe you when you’re in pain. You’ll retreat and shut down. You’ll think abnormal physical sensations are normal because you’ll have learnt to ignore what you know. You’ll learn to ignore everday physical sensations until they’re really noticable. Because being isn’t safe. Because people can’t handle your reality. Because they don’t understand it. Most the world don’t bruise from someone bumping into them. You will. The people who bump into you will care that you’re upset. They won’t apologise and will want you to apologise for getting upset. They’ll think you’re crazy.

Your boundaries won’t be respected. You won’t know you’re allowed to have boundaries because your mother has none. And when you try put boundaries in place she’ll scream at you, be hurt, and upset. When you question if her crossing boundaries are okay you’ll be told that you’re too sensitive and it’s your issue.

E, I’m here to remind you of beforehand. Before you internalised the messages that you’re guilty. Before your safety in the world was taken away. Before your safety and trust in yourself was taken away. You lived with curiosity. You lived with openness. You lived with intuition and understanding that all your friends trusted – everyone but you. Your future friends will always believe really strongly in your intuition and knowledge. They will rely on what you know. Believe them.

Life will teach you many things E. You can go back and teach yourself. Relearn. You can cone back to the innocence. To the safety. To the love.

You’re worth it E. You’re so worth it.

I believe in you. I know that you can do it. No matter what the world teaches you. You can override their messages. And embrace all you were today, as an adult.

Love you.

Always and forever.

E.

(The one thing that confuses me is how unsafe my world was, and is, when my childhood was a pretty normal childhood.)

Dialogue with myself about Hope and Destruction

19th July 2020


E, who is running the show?
Life, I think.
What does ‘Life’ look like?
Not Life. Hope is.
What does ‘Hope’ look like?
Not like Destruction.
What does Destruction look like?
I can’t see because it is so all encompassing that it is everything so not possible to define it.
What does Hope want?
Love.
Can you give Hope Love?
No. I don’t know what Love is.
Is there anything you can give Hope?
No. I don’t like Hope.
Who do you like?
Destruction. Destruction is my friend. Destruction knows me. Hope doesn’t. I don’t know or like Hope.
But you’re letting Hope run the show?
Yeah. Others believe Hope is right. Others believe I should. I can always call Destruction back. And Hope doesn’t tell me I can’t use (cocodamol). Else Hope would be long gone.
What does Hope tell you?
I don’t want to listen to her.
Why not?
She scares me.
Hope scares you?
Yeah. It’ll get me hurt.
Hope will get you hurt?
She’s not going to stay. No one does.
What will happen if she goes?
Nothing. I’ll live with Nothing. And Destruction is always my friend.
So if you don’t like Hope you can always go back to Destruction?
Yes
That’s good. That’s really good. So you have Hope. And Destruction is there if you need him.
Yeah. He’s sad.
Why is he sad?
That I’ve abandoned him.
Have you?
No. But he wants to be my only friend.
Friends who don’t want you to have other friends aren’t healthy friends.
I know. But he is my only real friend..
Can you make other friends?
I don’t know. I’m not great at making friends.
I can be your friend.
You can’t. You don’t like me.
You think I don’t like you?
I know you don’t like me.
How do you know that?
You want me to be here. Obviously you hate me.
I want you to be here because I love you and love having you around.
That is selfish.
How’s it selfish?
Because you want what is best for you, and not what is good for me.
Hmm. True. Am I allowed to be selfish?
Yes. But that means you aren’t my friend. Friends aren’t selfish.
Can I be your friend a bit?
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
I want to be your friend. I love you. If you’re ever ready for me to be your friend I’m here. I will always love you.
That’s a lie.
What is?
All of it.
It’s true to me.
Whatever.
E, it’s okay. I’m sorry for hurting you.
You didn’t hurt me.
Can I talk to Hope?
Nope.
Why not?
You’ll tell Hope to stay.
How bad will it be if Hope stays?
Very. Destruction won’t always wait.
You can always go back to Destruction though.
I don’t know.
Will Destruction be your friend if you go back to him?
Yes.
So there you go.
You can talk to Destruction instead.
Do you want me to?
I don’t care what you do. I want you to go away.
You want me to go away?
You’re too reasonable. I don’t like you. You make me sound like a bratty teenager.
You don’t sound like a bratty teenager. You sound like a sad lost girl.
I’m not.
I didn’t say you were. I don’t think you’re bratty.
What do you think I am?
That doesn’t matter now E. It makes no difference. For I love you regardless.
Stop lying please.
I’m not lying. I’m owning my truth. I’m sorry it hurts you.
It doesn’t.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye E. You’re worth it.
I’m not.
I know you think that. I believe you are. Hope believes you are. Give us a chance.
Do I have a choice?
Always. You always have a choice. You always will have a choice. And you can always walk away into Destruction’s embrace. Destruction is there. He will always be there. As you said, he is your friend. He will always be your friend if you want. You may as well give others a chance too before you decide on a single friend to the exclusion of all else. I’m here E. Even when you don’t want me to be. I’m here.

When I first wrote this and wrote about it here, I was confused. Now, I appreciate the way I speak to myself. I’m kinda in awe in truth. And I’m touched by the truths I live regarding myself and friends.