Posted on by Eliza · 67 Comments

Is suicide the solution?

Suicide. It’s a word that scares many and brings hope to others. I started my blog elizareasonstolive (which for now is down) when I wanted to focus on the reasons to live, rather than reasons to die. I would post reasons to live, at the same time as doing things to end my life. I lived on the edge. Which is what I wanted to do. I wanted suicide, and I wanted to believe in hope.

Hope is the little voice you hear whisper maybe when it seems the entire world is shouting no. (Google image)

Slowly, my life changed. I stopped using, stopped self harming, started eating, and started living in the world. (They’re all still things I can struggle with). I learned what it means to be present. I learnt, am learning, boundaries. And I learnt a lot about myself. I always thought it was about the end destination. About getting somewhere. Instead, I learnt that it was about the journey.

The journey is the destination.

I learnt that the journey is the destination. I started my current blog when I wanted a space to ramble and write things that weren’t just reasons to live or that offered hope. Writing gave me a lot. Writing is the best therapy I could ever have given to myself. When I wrote letters to myself I accessed a part of myself that I never knew existed. I never knew I could talk to myself nicely. I never knew that there was any part of me that believed I was worth it.

You are worth it (google image)

Today, today I can’t say my life is perfect, but today I’m happy to embrace the imperfection. There is so much I want from my life. I’d love to know who I am and what I want from my life. I’m looking forward to learning it. Life is a learning game.

More than I’m grateful to be alive I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive.

For the most part, I’m grateful that I have this chance. There are times I can get stuck in my head, and the biggest thing I’m focusing on at the moment is to stop overthinking. To live. To be. I’m trying to live in this world and not leave this world to live instead in my head.

Nothing and no one is perfect. No one has it easy. Not everyone feels guilty for living. Not everyone knows that by living they’re hurting others. I’ve learned, am learning, to let go of others. To be myself, for myself. I’m learning who I am. And, life is a learning game.

My blog is a positive space. I want it to stay that way. It’s a space where I share some awesome pictures – I love taking photographs even though I don’t publish most.

It’s a space that I want to use to spread love, light, and glitter. I can’t say I use it well, but really it’s just my space. A space I’m grateful for and where I’ve met some awesome people.

Remember, you are worth it. When you reach rock bottom, there is a way up. Don’t believe anyone who tells you it’s easy. Or that it’s your fault. Or that you’re crazy. There is not always another choice. Someone once told me that self harming was my way of looking after myself. And she was right. I was taking care of myself, coping, the best way I knew how. Also, don’t believe anyone who tells you there’s no hope. For there is always hope. I used to feel I was trapped. That no matter how much I tried I was and would always be stuck. I wasn’t depressed. There just wasn’t a way out. And suicide was the best answer. I’m not actually sure how come what I did to myself never harmed me. But I’m not going to complain. I can’t say I’m grateful that I was born. I can say that once I’m here I’m going to make the most of it and try to use every moment. I know life is just temporary. And that you are worth it and way stronger than you believe.

Love, light, and glitter

Suicideforum.com/community is an awesome peer support that I’m grateful for.

Metanoia – suicide – read this first

A reason

Posted on by Eliza · 67 Comments

I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

I wrote this in January 2019

Today’s been, long. A 16 year old here ended her life yesterday. It makes me sad for her. Sad for she had an entire life to live. In some sense jealous that she isn’t here. Guilt for wanting that. Grateful to be here. Sad for her family, for all their unanswered questions. For the world. For a life full of potential that isn’t anymore.

I wrote her a letter. That I wish I could have shared with her, even if she’d end up deciding whatever she’d decide. My friend just told me to reread it. Still, just a mixture. Waiting for tomorrow.

I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself

Dear ____ . Scrap the dear.

Hi.

If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re suicidal. Have thought, are thinking of, suicide as a viable option. I know that place. Where the only option is to end your life in order to end the pain. It isn’t about ending your life I know. It’s about stopping the world. Getting off from a world you didn’t ask to be part of. Maybe that’s just how I see it. The train moving way too fast on the tracks, the tracks ending at a cliff, the train is going to hurtle down the cliff and you’re going to be shattered to pieces at the bottom. Or you can just get off the train of life.

I don’t even know what to say. For everything is so trite. Everything is so false and meaningless. If there’s one thing I do wish I could do, it would be to come and hold your hand. To stay with you. I’d want you to know that you aren’t alone. That whatever is going on for you, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people out there who care so much about you, yup, even though they don’t know you, have never met you and may never meet you. People who would want to let you into their world. Who’d be happy to let you into their hearts. It’s strange for me to write this for it’s something I need to hear too.

What I wish you could know with all certainty, is that you are worth it. That you are special. That you are beautiful. Just because you are. Just because you exist. You are. Therefore you’re awesome. I know it’s hard to see or believe that at the moment. That it doesn’t make a difference if it’s true or not. Just know that I believe in you. That I trust you. That I know you have way more strength and beauty than you can ever imagine. If you’re able to feel such pain, it says something about you. It tells me just how far your love can go. Just how amazing you are.

I used to quote things all the time. Things like ‘Go as long as you can, then take another step’. Like ‘Faith is taking the first step even if you can’t see the full staircase’. Things like ‘I’ve endured this discomfort before and survived it, and so I can survive it today.
I’ve felt these feelings before and sat with them, and so I can sit with them today.
I’ve felt like giving in before and held onto hope, and so I can continue to hold on today.
I made it through yesterday, and so, I can also make it through today.
I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I am strong and I am capable. I will not give up.’

Go as long as you can, and then take another step
Faith is taking the first step even when you can't see the full staircase.
I’ve endured this discomfort before and survived it, and so I can survive it today. I’ve felt these feelings before and sat with them, and so I can sit with them today. I’ve felt like giving in before and held onto hope, and so I can continue to hold on today. I made it through yesterday, and so, I can also make it through today. I can do it. I will do it. I am doing it. I am strong and I am capable. I will not give up.

One of the main reasons I held on was because I knew that I didn’t know what could be. Because if I’d end it, that’s the only option – ending it. Whereas if I’d hold onto life, I would always still have the option of ending it. By continuing to live, I can still always choose to die. Whereas once I’ve ended it, I’ve taken all choice away. Another big factor for me was the saying that goes along the lines of hold on because you never know who may one day say because of you, I held on. Although life wasn’t worth it for my own sake, for others, it is. Because even when I can’t see the beauty in my own world, in myself, I know that others are beautiful. Do you know that others are worth it? Is it worth giving life a chance for another day so that someone else will live?

As I said, I don’t know what to say. I don’t have any words. All I see is the pain. I wish I could come and sit with you. Be with you. Just know that, I’m thinking of you. I care. Even if that makes absolutely no sense at all. For I don’t know you and never will know you unless you say hello to me. Yet I care. I believe in you. I believe in the beauty of your world. I believe that when all the pieces are shattered, you get to choose your own life, you get to choose how to rebuild. I believe in your reasons. In your reasons to end it. In your reasons to live. I know that you’re worth it. I know that no matter what your internal or external world looks like you are someone so special and worth it to know.

I’m sad. I’m sad that you’re sad. I’m sad that the world is sad. I’m sad that I can’t actually come and sit with you right now. I’m sad.

E

I’d love to share your letters…

Posted on by Eliza · 7 Comments

Gratitude challenge: Day 14

Gratitude Challenge

Day 14: What recent challenge are you grateful for?

I’m grateful for the last time I messed up – a few months ago. I’m grateful because of all it taught me. I’m grateful because seeing what it was like for me then, using to burn and burning, actually showed me how far I’d come. Everything in life can be a stumbling block or stepping stone. I stumbled. I fell. And I hope I used the month of messing up to learn how much going present means to me. I hope it taught me to be grateful. I hope I used it to grow. I’m grateful for it because it makes me appreciate where I am today, that I’m here just being, not messing my life up. I’m grateful because of the appreciation it gave me, awareness, for the journey, and that messing up is just a part of the journey of life.

Gratitude challenge day 14: Spend the day being an optimist.

Love, light, and glitter

Posted on by Eliza · 13 Comments

Quote for the day – appreciate how far you have come

A friend posted this quote on her whatsapp status

Quote appreciate how far you've come on a post it note.
Remember to appreciate how far you have come. There is little point in us striving for growth if
we can’t value our progress.

So I looked up some more of the same… I find the quote/saying very apropos for today, for always. It’s hard to see. It’s hard to look back and see that there was a journey, especially when it seems like it’s all been dissed and ruined. When it seems like I’ve wrecked it by self harming and continuing to. For, their is no wreckage of the journey taken. It still happened. It still was. And it was all awesome. Regardless of what today is. Today can never take away the passed.

  • Appreciate your progress. You've been through a lot, but you've grown a lot too. Give yourself credit for your resilience and how far you've come.
  • Be proud of yourself for how hard you're trying
    Be proud of yourself for how hard you’re trying
  • You're allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously
    You’re allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

Love, light and glitter

Happy Monday!

Posted on by Eliza · 47 Comments

Dialogue with myself re self harm

I wrote this out last night (including these bracketed annotations that explain all that I mean), and it got deleted (thanks wordpress), so I’m writing it out again. I wrote to myself which didn’t help at all, so decided to try this.

Eliza, what is going on?

I want to burn myself

So why aren’t you?

Coz’ I’ll take cocodamol so that I can go far enough. It doesn’t count as burning if I don’t blister

So why don’t you (take cocodamol)?

Do I want to use cocodamol?

You tell me.

I don’t know. Both (yes and no).

Why do you (want to use cocodamol and burn)?

I’m tired of holding on. It’s endless, so whatever, so I’ll use and go back there (to where I want 2 years ago) and I won’t stop (using).

Why don’t you want to (use cocodamol and burn)?

I don’t want to go back there.

Back where?

I like being present

Which do you rather (using/self harm or being present)?

Being present

So you know what you want.

I still want to burn myself.

I know. And you’re choosing being present over that.

Is it worth it (to choose being present and not to burn)?

You’re the only one who can answer that. Is it worth it?

I don’t want to go back there (to the life I was leading when I was OD’ing daily and not eating, to living the edge, playing both sides of life and death).

So you’ve answered and chosen.

I still want to (burn myself).

I know. It’s confusing to want both so much.

Not confusing. Just is.

What just is?

Everything

Can you break that down?

I don’t want to burn. I need to.

Okay.

It’s not.

It is okay. You need to burn. Why do you need to?

That’s not important.

What do you need more? To burn or to stay in the present?

It’s all a dream anyways (I kinda feel like it’s a bit of a dream, I guess not fully present all the time). To stay in the present. But I’m choosing to use and burn instead.

Oh, Eliza. I love you. Why would you choose that when you’ve just said it’s something you don’t want?

I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting it (what I want – constantly). Of letting it be. Of acknowledging it. Of moving on. I want to just engage with it. I need to just engage with it. Or let it take over. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

Is it worth it (to give in)?

No. But that’s not really relevant if it’s what I choose to do.

So why are you choosing that?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can go to bed. And then I’ll know I’ve failed.

Eliza, not using, not burning, is courageous and brave. You’re not a failure if you don’t harm yourself. Asides Eliza, it’s been nearly 2 years, asides from yesterday (since you’ve used anything in this way, and since you’ve engaged with self harm in a way that’ll scar), do you want to give that up?

I’ve already given it up (by burning yesterday and taking paracetamol to help me go further). So yes.

Eliza, I know you can do it. Just know that whatever you do I love you and am with you, and you always have another choice. Every moment is a new choice.

I know. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is any choice.

I hear. I know. Something there isn’t choice (like when you burned before you were aware of what you were doing). You need to then find where the choice lies and act on your choices when you have a choice. Every moment is another moment you get to choose, and chart the path of life. I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always. Always and forever.

Posted on by Eliza · 15 Comments

TW. Rambling 37915

There’s nothing there
They don’t understand that
There really is
Nothing. There.

Nothingness.
It’s as though I’m watching
Myself
Observing
From the viewing tower

Disconnect? Check
Distance? Check
Connection? Nope
Present? Maybe

There is nothing there

I can’t get through
The glass wall
I don’t know
I don’t know what is there
I don’t know what is there

Sometimes I wonder
If there is anything at all
I’m scared I’ll come and see that
There is nothing
There is nothing there

I’m scared I’ll see that
All I am is an illusion
Beneath the facade,
As soon as you get through the walls
The walls I can’t penetrate
Can’t see what’s there
I’ll see that
The reason I could never see beyond
Was that
There isn’t. Anything.

Emptiness
Blank
Is that all there is
All there ever will be

For

There is
Nothing
Nothing there
I am nothing. Nothing.

My response to there’s nothing there elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-14th-september-19/

I do know that we’ll find the key. And Eliza, when we find the key, we’ll find a beautiful garden. Filled with flowers and weeds. Tangled and tended to. A beautiful garden. Awesome in it’s wilderness. And together we’ll prune and let it continue to grow. We’ll find a garden Eliza. We’ll find a garden.

There is something there. You aren’t nothing. When you see reality, you’ll know reality is real, exists. It’s not emptiness. It’s not an illusion. It is there. It’s there. We’ll find the key Eliza. And we’ll unlock the door. And have fun playing. And learning. Learning the names of the plants and the purposes they serve. Looking at the beauty. Lying in the sun. It’ll be awesome exploring. Like Mary Lennox (The secret garden).

Letter to myself

There is so much darkness
So much light
I wonder which are real
And then I know
Both are
Both are
Intertwined
Black and white
And all the colours of the rainbow
Forming
A kaleidoscope
Of beauty
Created with
The light
And the dark
And the dark
For that’s a part of the picture
Brings the part into a whole
They’re both
Equally real
Equally true

Vie for front position
Have to learn
To coexist
That they can live together
For one reality

Doesn’t negate another
Even when
They’re a contradiction in terms
For it then forms
The kaleidoscope
Of life
Of life

The darkness
It calls my name
I hear it whispering
It promises me comfort
Familiarity
It’s home to me
It’s what I know
What I know and what I deserve

The darkness
It calls my name
I hear it echoing
It wants me to join it
To come out and play
It promises me it’s my friend
It knows me best, after all

The darkness
It calls my name
I hear it, I hear it
I know it’s where I belong
It’s my friend
It brings peace, blankness
It brings destruction in it’s wake

The darkness
It calls my name
Whilst another voice whispers
Joins in the fray
Promises it’s not all there is
Not all there is to life

The darkness
It calls my name
Whilst hope whispers too
Don’t know where to turn
Dizzy from them both
Never sure
If it’s even real
Or if I imagine (create) it all

Choices
So many choices
Why do I have to constantly choose?
When will the choice finally go
When will it just be living with the choice of life I once made without the constant wish to just destroy it all, and the wondering if I even want that.
OCD (the thought)? I don’t think so. But who knows.
Who knows.
Why do I have to choose?

Posted on by Eliza · 18 Comments

Dialogue with myself (Trigger warning – self harm)

Why did you buy cocodamol?

I want it. (Stamps imaginary foot in head)

You’re allowed to want it

I’m not.

You’re allowed to want everything Eliza. Literally everything.

I’m not

Eliza, you’re allowed to want everything.

I can’t.

What can’t you?

Be.

Okay. You can though.

Not.

Am I going to change your mind?

You can’t. It’s a fact.

It’s a belief Eliza. Not a fact. A belief you know to be truth. A belief I know to be false. It’s a belief. That I’m not going to change today.

Okay.

What do you want?

To be.

And you think you can’t.

I know I can’t.

So you want it and believe you can’t have it. What does that do?

The ever present contradiction.

Both can be true.

I think I know that.

So why did you buy cocodamol?

Coz I wanted to, and I wanted to say yes rather than all the constant no’s.

What are the ‘no’s?

To self harming. I want to self harm. And I’m not.

Well done Eliza.

You don’t get to say that.

Why not?

Coz’ I’m not for you. I don’t want to hear anything from you about it; it just makes me angry and frustrated.

Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were either angry or frustrated.

I’m not.

Huh?

I’m not angry or frustrated.

So what are you?

I hate you.

You’re allowed to hate me.

Resentful

You’re resentful?

I resent you. I hate you. I’m angry with/at you. I’m frustrated with you. I’m not angry or frustrated in general.

Okay. I love you Eliza. Can I ask you why?

Coz’ I’m being good for you.

What does ‘good’ mean?

I’m staying in the light and not engaging much in the dark. Coz’ that’s what you want.

So you hate me coz’ you’re giving it to me?

Yes.

What do you want?

To live my life the way I want to live it.

How do you want to live it?

With the force of destruction

Why?

Coz’ that’s what I deserve. That’s what I know. That’s where reality is. Not in your world of fluffy pink clouds.

You do sound annoyed. Eliza, remember that you’re allowed to want anything. If you will tell me one of all the things you want, can you tell me one? What is one thing you want?

Destruction

Can you describe to me one thing – what you want to do?

Take a candle and light it and do 2 things with it. I’d need 3 hands for it. I’d want to use the flame to burn my arms. Let the flame burn the skin, and let the wax drip elsewhere. It’d have to be not the typical candles we have at home but candles that the wax remains hot and hurts and burns when it touches the skin for the candles at home don’t do that. I’d cover one arm from shoulder to wrist with wax and the other arm from shoulder to wrist would be burned so that all the skin is shrivelled and melted.

Thank you for sharing that. Out of 10 how much do you want it?

10.

So what is stopping you?

You.

Eliza, I’m not the only thing stopping you. What else is stopping you?

It is also you. But, I want to believe in you.

What do you want to believe?

I kinda do believe. In hope. In life. In possibility. In choosing a life. In creating a life for myself. I just, I can’t.

What can’t you?

I can’t create a life for myself.

You don’t have to.

I want to.

You don’t have you yet. You’ve got time Eliza. All the time in the world. You’ll get there one day.

After I’ve destroyed myself/

Why don’t you want to destroy yourself?

I want to see all that can be.

You deserve to see all that can be.

I don’t.

I believe you do and I’m allowed to believe whatever I want to believe.

Are you okay Eliza?

Yeah. Just tired. (calmer and okay)

I love you. You’re always worth it and I’m always with you. Love you….

Posted on by Eliza · 29 Comments

Today’s a good day

Today is a new day.

I haven’t written anything on my blog in a while, for I’m just never sure what to write. There is too much and I always feel like I’m incoherent.

Regarding working through what I believe I’ve decided to go ahead with it. It was interesting, I was reading through my JJ journal – a journal in which I write the thoughts/questions/answers/lectures/comments about what I think, well I sometimes write in it anyways. I saw how I’ve actually worked through some things. I saw how it’s taken me forever, but I’m not uncertain about the same things I was 2 years ago. It was/is good for me to see.

Last night was again one of those nights, the nights you wake up and just don’t sleep. I was listening to this song on repeat.

The lyrics can be found here One more night (for some reason I posted the wrong song)

I’m grateful. I’m doing okay. I don’t know how long this will last but I’m loving it whilst it does. I’m feeling very alone. Other than that, I’m working through what I believe. I’m listening to music. I’m spending time with family. I’m present at work. I’m just, okay. When I want to use, it’s just a thought, not a need. I haven’t needed to use since I last wrote about it. I wrote about it when it’d been 3 days. It’s been a lot longer than 3 days since I really needed to use. As I said, when I think about it, it’s just a thought that I can acknowledge. I’m eating enough – way too much junk too. I’m trying to eat enough real food. I’ve lost weight. Which is cool. If I lose 1.5 kilo more I’ll weigh less than I did after I lost all the weight I did (a couple of years ago I stopped eating).

I saw in one of my old journals when looking through the LTM’s (I’m sure I’ve written before that I’m writing out all my letters to myself) that I wrote in the morning and evening to god, just a short note. I’m doing that now, for a week. I’d like it to become as much a part of my routine as brushing my teeth and reading and writing gratitude lists are (those are the only things I do morning and evening, and I’d love it if that would be added).

I’m speaking to SG2 – one of my friends more. I was really missing her, who I hadn’t spoken to in a really long while. I’ve been speaking to her more. Pretty often. I sometimes feel like I’m driving her crazy, but it’s okay. I’ve been speaking to her about her life, my life, and work. Nothing much, just keeping in touch. I went out with another friend the other day. I’ve been texting another friend a lot more. It’s good.

I’m enjoying it. I can’t say I love life. I can say that my world is looking up. I was thinking about 3 years recently. Of the day recently when I went spiralling as I really didn’t want to be here for that day Actually my world has been spiralling for a few months. Spiralling down. I’m appreciating that it’s not. So I hated the day for I had never thought I’d live to see it. It was confusing to say the least. I was resentful, angry, felt like I was wasting space, the world. You know… I celebrated on a different day. A day I could celebrate life. Which was good. So I’ve been thinking. Of how it was the same that day. Of the day it had been 2 years. How I’m looking forward to writing a 3 years post. How I kinda want to be here for the 3 years date. How it’s a celebration. It’s god. My world’s looking up and I’m enjoying that it is. There are the moments. When I freak out. When I can’t sleep. When I’m always tired. When I’m buying cocodamol. When I’m doodling blood and gore. When I write pages about how I want to destroy myself including gruesome details that if it hadn’t been me writing it, I never could have stood. Those are moments. Moments in time. It’s not my life. I don’t think the part of me that wants me to destroy myself is gone. It’s still there. It’s a very real part of me. It’s not the Eliza that’s living my life. It’s not the part that’s fighting for control. I’m happy to let it be there, and one day figure out what it really wants, and how to serve it’s needs without destruction.

I’m grateful. There’s still often a distance. I feel often as though I’m at a distance. Actually, not at this moment. The moment I’m writing this, it’s the same me writing as the me who’s here, who is present. I don’t actually know how to define what I mean there. If someone could put what I mean into words better than I can I’d love it! I always get stuck trying to define what I mean by distance. By being present. By connection.

I was thinking a bit about the post I wrote, about what this year is going to be about. https://elizareasonstolive.com/one-hundred-and-forty-nine-2019-taking-ownership-of-my-life/. How my world, my life, is my responsibility, and I get to take charge of it. I never used to. It’s a lot of what some of my life was about. I couldn’t take charge. I am. I’m beginning to. Beginning to make a life for myself.

Today is a good day. And I’m grateful for it. For so long as it lasts :).