How do I get from A to B? How do I get from where I am now, to where I want to be?

I spent today freaking out. I realised later on that I was on the verge of a panic attack. That is actually major news for me. The realisation and awareness I mean. Of how on edge I was. Of being able to label it. Not that I ever have had panic attacks – or, I probably pretty much have, I just call it freaking out and don’t label the not breathing, freaking out as panicking because there’s no fear of anything.

I got back last night. The last leg of the journey home was spent thinking about burning and using cocodamol. This morning I messed with burning, meaning only messed. I stopped before I blistered myself. I thought that being away would take me out of the situation and when I came back it would be different. Except that it isn’t. I thought that when I came home I would be able to look at what was and be able to figure out how to move forward. Except that it isn’t what was, but it is what is. There is no past here for it’s the present. It’s the need to burn in the present moment.

I was listening to a class last night. It was actually on prophecy, how prophecy is about disconnecting from your own finiteness enough to be able to tune into infinity. Strange how all the class said was my thoughts on what prophecy would be. And that prophecy doesn’t exist today. Other interesting points he made. One point struck me – that we can’t get pleasure from what we need. If we have a need to eat, we won’t enjoy the food. I need to burn myself. I don’t get pleasure from it. It’s just a need. I also need sugar more now that I’m home. I don’t know what the underlying need is that I’m trying to fill. I know it can’t really be filled by burning myself, but temporarily it can. And burning only counts if it blisters. And I don’t want more scars. And I can’t burn myself as much coz’ I can’t take painkillers to dull the pain enough to help me endure more to burn more. That sounds a bit crazy as I write it, but, it’s just the reality. And I haven’t journaled in ages – which is disconnected I know. I can go off onto so many tangents. If I let myself. In a way it’s fun to. Freeing to. I can feel the tear tracks on my face from the few tears I let happen.

So A. Where I am now. That I need to burn myself and I’m acting on it. I’m not making a comment about using cocodamol for I haven’t yet today – the first day I’m back – and I hope not to for it really made me ill (a few wouldn’t, but I don’t know how to stop at just a few) and I really don’t want to kill myself. I don’t mind being dead, but, I don’t want to end my life, and if I’m making myself that ill I’m not present and no clue what it’ll be doing to me. Where am I else? I don’t know. For the only thing I can see at present is burning. Everything else fades into the background.

B. Where I want to be. I don’t want this, my present reality, for my life. I want to be loving a life I live and living a life I love. That’s always been my refrain. What does that look like? I don’t know what it looks like. It looks like being present. Which I was. I have to remember that I really and truly was and that just coz’ this is my reality it doesn’t take away from what my reality was. It looks like peace. It looks like serenity. Connection – to myself, others, a source of the world (I have the last most of the 3, which is in a way surprising. Maybe not surprising, for it’s something I’ve worked on a lot, but unexpected). It looks like understanding myself and my world. It looks like being able to identify emotions, know what I feel, when I feel it, eventually why, and how to handle it, or live through it. It looks like forgiveness. Of others, and mainly of myself, and most definitely of a source of the world. It looks like okayness. It looks like reality, like the reality that some people on WP show through their blogging that they’re living.

How do I get from A to B? I don’t honestly know. I’m so frustrated with what is, for however much I know it doesn’t cancel out what was, it makes me wonder if I was imagining how okay I was. I know it wasn’t my imagination. I know it was the truth. I know from my friends. I know from myself. I know from the relationships I’ve built with people. I know because I see how much I’m a part of my family now, which, I never used to be. I know because I see how I’m more aware of things, I see the ‘before’ that never used to exist. I know because I’m taking some sort of responsibility for my life. Responsibility I never used to own. I know because I see the boundaries I’m keeping with others. I see some of the honesty I have with people. I see change. Even today when I’m not handling I see how much is different, and it shows me that what was, the okayness, the presentness, was real. I was still working towards where I wanted to be. I was putting in place different things I wanted. Like exercise classes. I wonder how real it all was. And I know it was real.

I don’t know how to go from here. I don’t know what I need to get me from A to B.I know I need help, I just don’t know what kinda help that would look like. I know I can’t do it on my own. Yet I know that I have to. Writing, journaling, has always been the best form of therapy for me. It’s how I’ve worked through my world. It’s how I’ve learned to understand myself and others. It’s how I’ve connected to myself and others. It’s how I’ve let go. Writing is the best therapy. And it’s not something I’ve been doing. It’s not something I’ve been able to do. I can’t let myself just ramble. I can’t do it. There’s not enough safety to do so. And that just is.

There’s something I want to set up, and don’t know if I can do so myself, if I can’t find it in existence – and I don’t know how to find out, and that’s a DBT group. The only thing is, it was on my plans to set it up, and the kinda thing I wanted was a group of say 4 people, all who were in a good space, none who would trigger me. And now I’m in that space that I don’t want anyone to be in. That was part of my plans to getting where I wanted to be. Before I messed up. It’s still part ofmy plans, just that I don’t have the headspace as much now, and I don’t know how to ask someone I was thinking of asking about it.

I don’t know. Everything just is. And every day is a new day with every moment a new moment. I was in the library earlier and I was wondering whether the guy who was serving me could see how much I was freaking out. I was wondering how visible it was.

There is someone I can text and ask if she’ll help me. And I’m going to text her when I’ve finished writing this. My only hesitation is, my real hesitation, is that she isn’t the right person to ask. She does energy work and has helped me a really lot, and she thinks that is all I need to do. I don’t know what she thinks. I do know that any time I’ve asked her about therapy she hasn’t been keen. That’s not true. Sometimes she has been really for it and has thought I should go for it. I know that she’s right with what she says – that talk therapy isn’t for me. For that comes from what I’ve told her. I don’t do speaking. I don’t do talking. She does the work that she does often without me at all, not even on the phone, because I really cannot handle it. Speaking to her sends me spiraling. Not always, but when I’m in this mode it makes it worse. Speaking to anyone would, especially because I just don’t do talking. So maybe she can advise me. For maybe she wouldn’t actually tell me not to do anything. Maybe she would have an idea of what I can do. I actually want her on board with anything I do, more like to know in advance, but either way it’s okay. And I don’t recall what I was trying to say. Other than that I’ll text her and see if she has any suggestions and/or can help me at all. I also saw on the IAPT site for my community that they offer mindfulness classes for a few weeks if they think you’ll benefit. I’ve done an MBSR course before and found it really helpful, so maybe I’ll call and see if they can offer a class. (edit: I just texted her asking if there’s any way she can help me figure out/plan how to get from here to whatever B may look like, and, will see, for now I just want to get back to what I was doing – nothing good, but that’s just what is. To which she replied likely. I’m not sure if I am meant to respond. Will see).

I’m tired. And just tired. I wish I weren’t back here, and wonder if I’ve brought it upon myself. And yes I know logically speaking that I haven’t. And that it just is and that it’ll have to change and pass and that it will. However much I wish this weren’t the reality, it just is. And wishing ain’t gonna do anything.

I start work soon. I really want to be present. I want to be giving my students my all and not shortchanging them or myself. Which if I’m messing up and not present at work I will be. But that also just is. And, I want to get to point B. That’s half the journey. That I want it. That I don’t want this for myself or my life. Tomorrow – whenever that tomorrow comes – is a new day.

I hope I’m not going to regret publishing this, as when I started writing I thought it would be a private post.

Love, light and glitter

Happy new year!