Working. Do I come first???

I was asked today about coming into school one day a week for a couple of hours – maybe more but hopefully just that.

She told me to think about it. To see whether it is something I can do. I said I didn’t see a choice if the dr says it’s medically okay (I’d have to ask my GP). She told me of course it’s a choice. She has to ask me because as her job she was told to. I should discuss it with whoever I need to and let her know. She said she knows she wouldn’t handle the anxiety of going in. I hadn’t even thought about that.

It was just, interesting. She said to remember that my family and I come first, the children in school second.

I appreciate her telling me that. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if it is even possible for me to think that way. To me it was a no brainer. I’m being asked to come in. I’m employed by the school. The children need a teacher. If my GP thinks there’s no health risks then regardless of what I want (I do not want to go to school!) I’ve got to go. And here she tells me that i come first… that others have refused to, or couldn’t come in (not teachers – they hadn’t been asked yet).

I don’t honestly believe I come first. It’s really hard for me to think that way and I definitely don’t instinctively think so. Which is why it was so nice – and important- of her to say so. If I ask my GP I imagine he’ll say it’s safe. I’d I ask my rabbi I imagine he’d say not to.

Re the anxiety of going in, I have no way of knowing what will be. Before schools were all closed I took off some mornings work because I was freaking and panicking. Afternoons were somehow okay. I don’t know, can’t think, what it will be like. I really have no idea. Of course, if I go in, and then panic, it’s a no brainer that I wouldn’t go back. Well, now it’s a no brainer. I think.

Do I come first? I don’t honestly believe so. But I’m going to try and act as if it’s so.

Do you believe you come first?

Remember, you, and the people who depend on you (family et al) come first!

Love, light, and glitter

Edit: I’m trying to breathe slowly and stem the panic. I am okay. Telling myself that, and it’s the truth. The panic can come from both – who comes first, or anxiety about going back. Not sure if I am anxious about it. It makes no difference what from just what I do about it.

Random ramblings 89. Part 2 (teaching)

The number 89 is arbitrary. Just the number I chose on. I always title my random ramblings with numbers. Like 27615, 289201, 58217. I could find them all, but…. ya know.

Change. Life is full of change. And I’m seeing the change. I’m seeing the positive. Yet. Yet. Yet. I guess this is why I thought the first post would be negative. It’s not the negativity. It’s the, the everything?

I’m doing what I’m meant to be doing. I’ve started a pilates class which I’ll either be continuing or I won’t. It depends on the people doing the class, they seem to be uninterested in continuing, but it’s a group I really like, so if they do it, I’ll do it. I hope they do! I’ve joined a krav maga introductory class. I’m really loving it! I know I’ve only been to 2 classes, and there are only 2 more. I’m hoping there are more after this. I really like the instructor. I definitely find it hard to envision people and the need for it. Especially because I really believe that most people are good and that there most likely won’t be a need for it. But it’s fun. I’m looking forward to the next classes. I’m studying for a level 5 course. Supposedly doing assignments – although I’m not really doing it very much. Hopefully it’ll be done by the end of the year. And I’m working. I feel like I’m failing my students. Realistically speaking I can see that they have learned since the beginning of the year. I just see where I want them to be. Where they need to get to. How far they are from there. And I wonder if they’ll do better with another teacher. I know that for some of them what I teach is invaluable. Nearly half the lesson every day with one group is spent on discussing the feelings that is going on. How do we talk. The frustration. This group are finally settling down to learn though. I know that we do is worth it. They just aren’t where they’re meant to be. They’re not progressing as much as they can. And it is my fault. I need to be preparing more than I am. Find more games. It’s not true. I’m blaming myself for what isn’t my fault. With some of my other groups they’re learning, but what we’re learning is all what they are meant to have learned a year ago. I wonder if the way I’m teaching them is right. If really I should just go forward and let them pick it up on the way. And I know that they’re getting the grounding they need to. I know that all the students I teach, when they leave, they really know what they’ve been taught. They can use and apply whatever they’ve learned. I know it logically. Seeing it day to day, seeing how I’m going over the same things again, and again, and again, is tough. Though today I got a love letter from one of my students that I haven’t yet read. I guess it tells me I’m doing something right even if I find it hard to see. There is only one group of students who have learned, and/but they’re bright so there is nothing I’ve done for it.

My plan of action for group 1 is to first of all continue forward. Everything we learn new is going to take forever, so even though they’re not fully confident on what we’ve learned so far, go forward and keep going backwards too. Find worksheets, games and activities on what we’ve learned.

My plan of action for group 2 is easy. They’re bright and even though some of them take time to grasp new material, they learn, and they know. Keep on :).

Group 3, again create games and activities. Also go backwards. Bring to school what I bought for them and do the rainbow arc with them every day.

Group 4, again games and activities, on a higher level then the prior group.

Teaching anyone? I’ll look up some activities and resources now, and then maybe I’ll continue to a part 3, or I won’t. We’ll see.

If anyone teaches reading to anyone, and has ideas or strategies for teaching I’d love to hear.

Love, light and glitter