Posted on by E · 24 Comments

Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals

I saw my GP today. Last week wrote up with him a referral for the CMHT.

I asked him for a copy of the letter the therapist from primary care services sent to him. I called up primary care services for a copy and they told me my GP can give me a copy. Her letter was good. She was really clear about how to go further. She suggested HBTT (Home based treatment team).

I asked him about the referral. He told me he hadn’t sent any off. That he would, and he’d send it to both the CMHT (community mental health team) and HBTT along with her letter.

Reading her letter now I’m annoyed. It’s dated the 6th of July and she writes that she hopes that by the time she’s writing this letter he’s made an appointment with me and put a referral through to either CMHT or HBTT. And that if I ever want the primary goal to be to stop using – at this moment it is. I want to stop using. I’m not sure how long that will last, that I’m really ready and want to stop destroying my life – the DBT team will assess and would want either of the other services involved.

Why do I have to google it all and ask him to do the referrals? And I don’t know if anything will come of them. Her last couple paragraphs were really clear recommendations on where exactly to go from here. Her letter was, is, really good. Just nothing has been done with it until now…

I’m not sure if I should just scrap it and go privately. My problem with going privately is that I kinda want someone to be there all the time. I know I’m not going to cope when I stop taking cocodamol. And I want to stop. I’m finding it hard enough to eat as it is – this is even though I’ve been trying to eat more coz of using.

I wrote a list of what I need, what I want, and what needs to change in order to just be okay living life on life’s terms. Well, I didn’t write a list. I dialogue journalled. I’ll put it into a list as another post.

I’m tired…..

Edit. He said my blood results were all okay except fat something which is normal when haven’t been eating enough, and muscles. I think I may have a muscle issue as it is but I can’t know if they’re lower than they would be, so some day can check them again.

As I walked out I said to him that I can’t stop using until he’s done this because I can’t stop without having any support in place. (It’s just not possible).

Had a staff meeting today. Was freaking out for most of it. Not sure how it will be to be back at work next week. It could be really good for me. Or it could be a spectacular fail. I’m keeping an open mind to what’s possible.

I was trying to and want to make a plan. I don’t know if there’s any point trying to plan how to go forward, what I need or don’t need, if I don’t know whether anything will come of these referrals.

Posted on by E · 23 Comments

Today has been today.

Today has been. Today. Today has been today. How profound is that?

This morning I was messaging TC (a friend) which was good. T always makes me smile. Even just thinking of her. And she shared something cool with me. This morning as in my kind of ‘morning’. This afternoon went out. Was just really calm and okay. Didn’t take much cocodamol this afternoon.

Only took when I came home a couple hours ago. And then felt really icky. It’s like a bone weariness and exhaustion and general ickiness that comes from it. It was interesting to really see the effects.

RR said to set my sites on a goal. Any goal.

There is a dream I have. I wrote a letter I wish I could have told you this before you killed yourself. My dream is to have a selection of letters. To have a number of letters from others.

Would you write a letter? Would you write something like that? If you are happy to, please do, and post it, link it, share it etc. If there is enough we can do something with it…. one warning point though is that I want them suitable for everyone. So nothing religious there.

Today’s been good.

I want to use more and I don’t want to.

I don’t see another choice. But, it’s the first time in the past couple weeks that I’m thinking maybe I don’t want to always keep using cocodamol. That I don’t like how it makes me feel – physically, the general under the weatherness. That maybe I see a life beyond it.

So, that’s today. As I said, today has been today.

Posted on by E · 47 Comments

Dialogue with myself re self harm

I wrote this out last night (including these bracketed annotations that explain all that I mean), and it got deleted (thanks wordpress), so I’m writing it out again. I wrote to myself which didn’t help at all, so decided to try this.

Eliza, what is going on?

I want to burn myself

So why aren’t you?

Coz’ I’ll take cocodamol so that I can go far enough. It doesn’t count as burning if I don’t blister

So why don’t you (take cocodamol)?

Do I want to use cocodamol?

You tell me.

I don’t know. Both (yes and no).

Why do you (want to use cocodamol and burn)?

I’m tired of holding on. It’s endless, so whatever, so I’ll use and go back there (to where I want 2 years ago) and I won’t stop (using).

Why don’t you want to (use cocodamol and burn)?

I don’t want to go back there.

Back where?

I like being present

Which do you rather (using/self harm or being present)?

Being present

So you know what you want.

I still want to burn myself.

I know. And you’re choosing being present over that.

Is it worth it (to choose being present and not to burn)?

You’re the only one who can answer that. Is it worth it?

I don’t want to go back there (to the life I was leading when I was OD’ing daily and not eating, to living the edge, playing both sides of life and death).

So you’ve answered and chosen.

I still want to (burn myself).

I know. It’s confusing to want both so much.

Not confusing. Just is.

What just is?

Everything

Can you break that down?

I don’t want to burn. I need to.

Okay.

It’s not.

It is okay. You need to burn. Why do you need to?

That’s not important.

What do you need more? To burn or to stay in the present?

It’s all a dream anyways (I kinda feel like it’s a bit of a dream, I guess not fully present all the time). To stay in the present. But I’m choosing to use and burn instead.

Oh, Eliza. I love you. Why would you choose that when you’ve just said it’s something you don’t want?

I’m tired. I’m so tired. Of fighting it (what I want – constantly). Of letting it be. Of acknowledging it. Of moving on. I want to just engage with it. I need to just engage with it. Or let it take over. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

Is it worth it (to give in)?

No. But that’s not really relevant if it’s what I choose to do.

So why are you choosing that?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I can go to bed. And then I’ll know I’ve failed.

Eliza, not using, not burning, is courageous and brave. You’re not a failure if you don’t harm yourself. Asides Eliza, it’s been nearly 2 years, asides from yesterday (since you’ve used anything in this way, and since you’ve engaged with self harm in a way that’ll scar), do you want to give that up?

I’ve already given it up (by burning yesterday and taking paracetamol to help me go further). So yes.

Eliza, I know you can do it. Just know that whatever you do I love you and am with you, and you always have another choice. Every moment is a new choice.

I know. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like there is any choice.

I hear. I know. Something there isn’t choice (like when you burned before you were aware of what you were doing). You need to then find where the choice lies and act on your choices when you have a choice. Every moment is another moment you get to choose, and chart the path of life. I love you Eliza. And I’m with you always. Always and forever.

Posted on by E · 18 Comments

Dialogue with myself (Trigger warning – self harm)

Why did you buy cocodamol?

I want it. (Stamps imaginary foot in head)

You’re allowed to want it

I’m not.

You’re allowed to want everything E. Literally everything.

I’m not

E, you’re allowed to want everything.

I can’t.

What can’t you?

Be.

Okay. You can though.

Not.

Am I going to change your mind?

You can’t. It’s a fact.

It’s a belief E. Not a fact. A belief you know to be truth. A belief I know to be false. It’s a belief. That I’m not going to change today.

Okay.

What do you want?

To be.

And you think you can’t.

I know I can’t.

So you want it and believe you can’t have it. What does that do?

The ever present contradiction.

Both can be true.

I think I know that.

So why did you buy cocodamol?

Coz I wanted to, and I wanted to say yes rather than all the constant no’s.

What are the ‘no’s?

To self harming. I want to self harm. And I’m not.

Well done E.

You don’t get to say that.

Why not?

Coz’ I’m not for you. I don’t want to hear anything from you about it; it just makes me angry and frustrated.

Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were either angry or frustrated.

I’m not.

Huh?

I’m not angry or frustrated.

So what are you?

I hate you.

You’re allowed to hate me.

Resentful

You’re resentful?

I resent you. I hate you. I’m angry with/at you. I’m frustrated with you. I’m not angry or frustrated in general.

Okay. I love you E. Can I ask you why?

Coz’ I’m being good for you.

What does ‘good’ mean?

I’m staying in the light and not engaging much in the dark. Coz’ that’s what you want.

So you hate me coz’ you’re giving it to me?

Yes.

What do you want?

To live my life the way I want to live it.

How do you want to live it?

With the force of destruction

Why?

Coz’ that’s what I deserve. That’s what I know. That’s where reality is. Not in your world of fluffy pink clouds.

You do sound annoyed. E, remember that you’re allowed to want anything. If you will tell me one of all the things you want, can you tell me one? What is one thing you want?

Destruction

Can you describe to me one thing – what you want to do?

Take a candle and light it and do 2 things with it. I’d need 3 hands for it. I’d want to use the flame to burn my arms. Let the flame burn the skin, and let the wax drip elsewhere. It’d have to be not the typical candles we have at home but candles that the wax remains hot and hurts and burns when it touches the skin for the candles at home don’t do that. I’d cover one arm from shoulder to wrist with wax and the other arm from shoulder to wrist would be burned so that all the skin is shrivelled and melted.

Thank you for sharing that. Out of 10 how much do you want it?

10.

So what is stopping you?

You.

Eliza, I’m not the only thing stopping you. What else is stopping you?

It is also you. But, I want to believe in you.

What do you want to believe?

I kinda do believe. In hope. In life. In possibility. In choosing a life. In creating a life for myself. I just, I can’t.

What can’t you?

I can’t create a life for myself.

You don’t have to.

I want to.

You don’t have you yet. You’ve got time E. All the time in the world. You’ll get there one day.

After I’ve destroyed myself.

Why don’t you want to destroy yourself?

I want to see all that can be.

You deserve to see all that can be.

I don’t.

I believe you do and I’m allowed to believe whatever I want to believe.

Are you okay E?

Yeah. Just tired. (calmer and okay)

I love you. You’re always worth it and I’m always with you. Love you….