Dialogue with a source. Why is there darkness in the world? – Part 10

I was rereading this. And, and I like it. I like what I wrote and am reminding myself by reblogging it.

Journey to life

I haven’t written here in a while. Haven’t wanted to. Or been able to look passed what happened.

People were killed now in Hurricane Dorian. A kid. It somehow seems so tragic when it’s a child.

Life. A mixture of light and darkness.

  • Source of the world, why?
    Because of a magnitude of reasons too great to fathom
  • S, are you light or dark?
    Both. Neither and both. Everything. It’s all the same.
  • So which are you?
    Neither and both. It isn’t good or bad. What you see as bad may not be bad, what you see as good may not be good.
  • So what are you?
    Everything. You are everything too.
  • What is darkness?
    Darkness is different. Darkness isn’t the good or the bad. Darkness is the lack of light.
  • So S, how do you dispel the darkness?
    By shining a light E. By turning on the light.
  • Is…

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TW. Rambling 37915

There’s nothing there
They don’t understand that
There really is
Nothing. There.

Nothingness.
It’s as though I’m watching
Myself
Observing
From the viewing tower

Disconnect? Check
Distance? Check
Connection? Nope
Present? Maybe

There is nothing there

I can’t get through
The glass wall
I don’t know
I don’t know what is there
I don’t know what is there

Sometimes I wonder
If there is anything at all
I’m scared I’ll come and see that
There is nothing
There is nothing there

I’m scared I’ll see that
All I am is an illusion
Beneath the facade,
As soon as you get through the walls
The walls I can’t penetrate
Can’t see what’s there
I’ll see that
The reason I could never see beyond
Was that
There isn’t. Anything.

Emptiness
Blank
Is that all there is
All there ever will be

For

There is
Nothing
Nothing there
I am nothing. Nothing.


My response to there’s nothing there elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-14th-september-19/

I do know that we’ll find the key. And Eliza, when we find the key, we’ll find a beautiful garden. Filled with flowers and weeds. Tangled and tended to. A beautiful garden. Awesome in it’s wilderness. And together we’ll prune and let it continue to grow. We’ll find a garden Eliza. We’ll find a garden.

There is something there. You aren’t nothing. When you see reality, you’ll know reality is real, exists. It’s not emptiness. It’s not an illusion. It is there. It’s there. We’ll find the key Eliza. And we’ll unlock the door. And have fun playing. And learning. Learning the names of the plants and the purposes they serve. Looking at the beauty. Lying in the sun. It’ll be awesome exploring. Like Mary Lennox (The secret garden).

Letter to myself

There is so much darkness
So much light
I wonder which are real
And then I know
Both are
Both are
Intertwined
Black and white
And all the colours of the rainbow
Forming
A kaleidoscope
Of beauty
Created with
The light
And the dark
And the dark
For that’s a part of the picture
Brings the part into a whole
They’re both
Equally real
Equally true

Vie for front position
Have to learn
To coexist
That they can live together
For one reality

Doesn’t negate another
Even when
They’re a contradiction in terms
For it then forms
The kaleidoscope
Of life
Of life


The darkness
It calls my name
I hear it whispering
It promises me comfort
Familiarity
It’s home to me
It’s what I know
What I know and what I deserve

The darkness
It calls my name
I hear it echoing
It wants me to join it
To come out and play
It promises me it’s my friend
It knows me best, after all

The darkness
It calls my name
I hear it, I hear it
I know it’s where I belong
It’s my friend
It brings peace, blankness
It brings destruction in it’s wake

The darkness
It calls my name
Whilst another voice whispers
Joins in the fray
Promises it’s not all there is
Not all there is to life

The darkness
It calls my name
Whilst hope whispers too
Don’t know where to turn
Dizzy from them both
Never sure
If it’s even real
Or if I imagine (create) it all


Choices
So many choices
Why do I have to constantly choose?
When will the choice finally go
When will it just be living with the choice of life I once made without the constant wish to just destroy it all, and the wondering if I even want that.
OCD (the thought)? I don’t think so. But who knows.
Who knows.
Why do I have to choose?

What helps you when you’re in a dark place? – RTL

Someone emailed me about my fifty forth reason – You’re okay. When you’re in a dark place, what would help you? What would you want others to say and do? How would you want others to be there for you?

via When you’re in a dark place — Reasons to live

I’ve been skimming through some of the posts on my reasons to live blog. This is one post that I’d love to hear your answers to. What helps you when you are in a dark place?

Love, light and glitter

Dialogue with a source. Why is there darkness in the world? – Part 10

I haven’t written here in a while. Haven’t wanted to. Or been able to look passed what happened.

People were killed now in Hurricane Dorian. A kid. It somehow seems so tragic when it’s a child.

Life. A mixture of light and darkness.

  • Source of the world, why?
    Because of a magnitude of reasons too great to fathom
  • S, are you light or dark?
    Both. Neither and both. Everything. It’s all the same.
  • So which are you?
    Neither and both. It isn’t good or bad. What you see as bad may not be bad, what you see as good may not be good.
  • So what are you?
    Everything. You are everything too.
  • What is darkness?
    Darkness is different. Darkness isn’t the good or the bad. Darkness is the lack of light.
  • So S, how do you dispel the darkness?
    By shining a light E. By turning on the light.
  • Is it possible to always turn on the light?
    No. Sometimes you can’t do it. But it can be turned on. (It may need others to teach you how to turn it on or shine the light when you can’t.)
  • And the darkness that fills people that drives them to murder?
    The lack of light E, the Lack. Of. Light.
  • Can I shine the light?
    That’s up to you. Are you ready to be the light? When you are, yes, you can.
  • S. Why? Why?
    Can you answer me why?
  • No. For I can’t understand it. How it’s possible for mass destruction caused by you, hurricanes, tornadoes, et al.
    What about the sunrises, the mountains?
  • They don’t cancel each other out. One doesn’t make the other okay. So, why?
    Because it brings good too. The people who come to help. It teaches the value of life. Shows the impermanence of the physical and lets them tap into their unknown strength, which if they didn’t need it, they would never have found it. Never have known just how courageous and strong and beautiful they are.
  • Why do they need to know?
    For themselves. So they can light within them and shine their torches.
  • And the people who give up in despair?
    They have the choice. To choose the darkness or the light.
  • Why is it fair to give them that choice?
    If they’d never have the choice they would never know. If you never let a baby fall it will never learn to walk. People have to be able to choose.
  • I don’t know.
    You don’t need to know. You don’t need to know today. You, too, have the choice. Every moment of your life And you choose. Either the light or the dark, and you learn from your choices. You learn every moment what works and what doesn’t.
  • Why is it fair?
    No one said it’s fair E. No one said it is fair. Because ‘fair’ is arbitrary and measured differently by everyone. It’s not about fair. It’s about right.
  • And is it? Right?
    Both yes and no. Ultimately, yes. Sometimes some things aren’t right, and that is a part of letting people make their own choices. Sometimes there is bad, not just darkness. Is it all ‘right’? In the greater scheme of things, yes, it all adds to the journey that life is.
  • And why does there have to be life?
    That’s another question entirely E, and not one that can be answered at the moment. For the moment, just know that you are okay. You have all the answers. Bad isn’t right but is what it’s meant to be. Darkness is a lack of light. You can be the light E. You can and will. As will all those around you. You may not always know but sometimes you will. It’s okay to fail, or pause. You can and will always get back up. It’s just this moment. The moment is all you have and all you need. It’s okay to ask. It’s okay to care. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to let it go. You won’t always know or understand. Which you may not find to be okay. You can accept it though once you understand enough. You may not understand how the bad and darkness is okay. Yet. You may not yet understand it. You can accept it and continue to work through it.
    Working through what you believe is scary for what if you hurt people you care about in the process? And, you will deal with that then. You may hurt them if you believe Judaism isn’t true, but that isn’t now, for you haven’t been interested in working through it because you’ve been freaking out about the darkness and sadness that allows suicide. You’ve gotten caught up in the darkness, instead of looking at it, which you are doing now instead. I promise E, the darkness is just a lack of light. People choose things, they make mistakes, and it has no bearing on you or your life unless you let it – which is your choice.
    Keep choosing. Keep learning. And one day you will understand more than you do today. One day you will be okay with life existing. Because, when you love life enough, you may always think the world would have been better without the existence of life, but you won’t feel it’s unfair. You won’t resent it. Which will make the question nonexistent.
    It’s just about now E. Just right now.

Letter to god. Part 9

Dear god.

Who are you ? What are you? I thought I was beginning to understand. Yet, I wasn’t. I don’t understand anything.

I wanted to know what you were. And researched and saw that darkness is a lack of light, not an entity of its own. Which would transfer to understanding what you are. Yet you’ve thrown that understanding away.

He ended his life. He lived across the road from her. He ended his life. Darkness became an entity of it’s own. He’ll never see that life could’ve been a beautiful place. You took that away from him.

Who, what, are you? What is an infinity that allows darkness to reign if not the darkness too? I wanted a connection with you. I was upset that I wasn’t tuning into your reality constantly. Why did I care? Do I even want to tune into your reality? What is your reality? Who are you? What are you? How, how, how?

How can you allow this? Who are you that you allow it? Do you allow it or create it? Is there even a difference? Does it make a difference if you just allow it versus creating it? Is a person who stands by watching a murder without doing anything any less of a murderer than the person committing the act?

Who are you? What are you? Why? Why? How can you allow it? How can you make darkness so intense? Why? And what does this mean to our now nonexistent relationship? Do I want a relationship with a/an infinity/god/source that puts such reality in existence?

How? How does it make sense? Why? Why is it fair? How? How can you do it? Why? Why does this happen?

I don’t know what more to say. I don’t know how to make sense of it or what this says about you, the being I was trying to understand and connect to. Do I want that connection? Do I care? How do I even know? It just hurts so much. That he will never get a chance to see another sunrise. He will never hear his heart beat. Because you destroyed that. If you’re the infinity, you took that away. If you could take his life away before he’d lived it, does that mean you don’t value life?

I can’t write to you anymore for I don’t understand anything and am going around in circles.

E