Journaling 103 (9) TW

I’ve nothing to say.

I wrote 2 more pages in my gratitude journal. Aiming for 2700 for when I’m 27. I’m weird. This is one of the things I journalled about today. I see myself to getting to 2700 gratitudes. I don’t know if there’s a point buying new things or getting the tooth work I need done, done, because who said I’ll be here?

4 years ago, I promised to give life a go for 6 weeks. Do I think I can do that again now? Promise to try for 6 weeks? It doesn’t help to live if I don’t do anything to change it. I don’t want to do anything though. I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I don’t exist. I just. Don’t. Care. I can’t care.

Though I want to be here for M, L, C and N. They’re celebrating their joy with me. I wouldn’t want them to hurt. Also for S times 3. I’m tired.

If I promise myself to try – again – then I’m going to have to actually do something to change it around. I don’t have the energy to do that. But it’s not a choice. It’s either one or the other. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to make this choice again. It’s kinda ironic that it’s suicide prevention week or something like that this week.

So how can I change it around?

I need help. And support. And I wrote a list of what I need to stop using when I wanted to and was ready to stop and just couldn’t coz didn’t have that. People to be there. Someone wrote it up for me in 5 (or 6) words.

  • Support
  • Check ins
  • Journalling
  • Therapy
  • Meditation (she meant mindfulness).

If I’m going to try for 6 weeks it means I’ll have to do them all. I am journalling but nowhere near enough. I can get up early each day.

I am doing mindfulness practice every day and for the next 4 weeks still have the MBSR course, and hoping to repeat the course when it finishes. The person who runs it said she thinks it would be possible. I can’t say I’m perfect for I’m not. But I’m trying to do some practice every morning because if I don’t in the morning I won’t later on.

Therapy – SG said she may be able to help. But she didn’t give details. GP put both referrals through (I wanted to hear back from the HBTT for that would give the support and the check ins. They say you can get someone to cone out to you 3 times a day. Asides from anything else. But that’s irrelevant). I don’t know that I wand therapy per se. I just want people to be there…. so I texted some random person – AP – someone gave me the name of to see if we could speak. Will see what she says, if it’s relevant. MaBe said she’s free end of September. I want to speak to her and see what I think of her. Therapy as in typical talk therapy is a waste of time. I don’t do talking. I process through journaling. Will see.

That’s what I need to stop using. I don’t want to stop using. If I’m going to commit to life for 6 weeks it means trying to put into place what I need to stop. Trying to make it possible to live and be okay.

ACA RSG meetings start this Thursday too. No idea if they will/won’t be helpful. Could be awesome. Could be a complete spiral sender.

People/support. I don’t know how to do that.

And the best is the complete contradiction. For come tomorrow morning I’m teaching at 9.30. And the lesson will be okay. I’ll be present and really there for my student. There is no way I wouldn’t be. Then I need to speak to the SENCo and help her make a plan for that student – more like give her my feedback and thoughts. She values what I have to say too much for my liking. And about another girl who isn’t my student who we need to decide ASAP if she wants me involved with her in school (in which case I won’t be at home. My friends daughter spoke to me and I’ve a lot of thoughts. And being that they think way too much of my thoughts they’ll probably try act on some).

I’d feel guilty to let them down. Yet I also can’t care. I do, though. I care so much about everyone.

So tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of when I promised not to kill myself for 6 weeks. To someone who when the 6 weeks was over disappeared from my life. She is the reason I didn’t kill myself then. I’m not at all grateful to her for it would be so much easier if I weren’t here. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t mind dying.

And I’m kinda sad though I don’t feel sad, just nothing at all, that I’m here. As in back to this place. I haven’t felt this way in I don’t know how long. And if I ever did it was just fleeting.

Ending this here. Really, there is nothing to say.

F:AK – Landlord helps tenants instead of evicting them.

Wes Moberly lost his job and couldn’t pay his rent. After 2 months his landlord Ellery Lewis went to check up on the family. Instead of evicting them he gave the family $100 towards their necessities, taking a load off their shoulders, and will work out a repayment plan with them- and all his other tenants who can’t afford to pay rent due to Coronavirus work difficulties.

You can read more here or here.

https://www.boston25news.com/video/hot-video/landlord-allows-family-stay-house-free-amid-coronavirus-pandemic-struggles/MTGATADHPOQ7JWKWLUN4M5QEDQ/

My Cronavirus experience/thoughts

I just read an article on Aish.com that explains why positive and inspirational messages can be detrimental to some people. I loved it… you can read it here.

It made me think of my experience. How I’m doing more things than I was and how this time is so good for me in so many ways.

I put the article first because I don’t want anyone to think that because it’s good for me it has to be good for them…

There’s a few points. One great point was made my S to me recently. She asked me how I was handling it. She said Covid 19 has tipped the world upside down. There are people whose lives were always organised and ordered. They felt like they were in control. Now they are faced with their frailty. They’re faced with instability and a lack of control. However, there are people whose lives are a mess anyways. Who never felt safe within themselves or the world. Their internal world is always upside down. The world turning on its’ hinges might make it even worse – as it has for so many people- and it might not.

There is more calm and stability in my life because of Covid 19, not less. I’ve not been working which means I have so much more time. The time is good for me because it gives me space. I never realised how much pressure I found work to be, but I did. There’s the need to constantly be on the ball, constantly be present, constantly work to help the children. Anything less would be shortchanging the children I work with. I didn’t find the morning such a pressure as so many of my lessons were free lessons. Now that I’m not working I don’t have that pressure.

There was also the pressure, more the anxiety and intensity, of bring around people for so many hours a day. I’m an introvert both by nature and even more so by nurture. I’m awkward around people. Even if they don’t see it. I’m not a part of groups and don’t know how to be a part. It’s not that I always want to, I don’t, I just want the option to be. Now that I’m not at work I don’t ever walk into a staffroom full of people who are all groups that I’m not a part of. I don’t have the constant intensity of being around others.

All the time means I’m blogging more – neither good nor bad. Means I’m online a lot more, not necessarily good, but neither bad. I wish I’d be able to get myself to study more but I’m just not, and that’s okay.

I’m running, couch to 5k, which is amazing for me. I’m so glad I am.

Just been busy. Doing nothing much. I’ve been scrapbooking the last couple of days – something that was left to me, which was good, just crazy busy! But busy with good things.

S said another interesting point, that the energy of the world was unsettlement and pain. She seemed to think it made sense I’d stopped eating. It’s actually good for me in a sense. However unhealthy a coping mechanism it may be it’s giving me the ability to handle the world.

People are stressed around me. I don’t think it’s anything to do with the virus, just their personal life circumstances. Although for some the virus definitely is exacerbating what is going on. I’m trying to keep my emotional boundaries.

For the most part I’m loving the lockdown and the time it has given to me. I hope and pray I don’t start school anytime soon although it seems like the government are set to start on the 1st. I hope my school don’t. I honestly can’t face it….. and if I go into school for the afternoon I’ll be wanted in the morning too. I’m not working in the morning although some people are. All I can do is hope and pray that I don’t have to go back anytime soon and love this whilst it lasts (with shavuot this weekend I anyways don’t have school for the next week. If not for the virus I’d probably be away with my family). It’s the time I love. The time, space, and no pressure….

I hope you are all doing okay and looking after yourself in the best way possible…

How has the lockdown – the time it brings, not the rest of the lockdown – affected you? Do you appreciate not having to see others or do you miss people? Do you have more or less time/headspace?

You are awesome and enough.

Love, light, and glitter

24985 – rambling update. (Could be triggering.)

The world is a good place.

I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.

I feel guilty.

My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.

Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.

My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.

I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.

I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.

Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

E

Working. Do I come first???

I was asked today about coming into school one day a week for a couple of hours – maybe more but hopefully just that.

She told me to think about it. To see whether it is something I can do. I said I didn’t see a choice if the dr says it’s medically okay (I’d have to ask my GP). She told me of course it’s a choice. She has to ask me because as her job she was told to. I should discuss it with whoever I need to and let her know. She said she knows she wouldn’t handle the anxiety of going in. I hadn’t even thought about that.

It was just, interesting. She said to remember that my family and I come first, the children in school second.

I appreciate her telling me that. I didn’t think of it. I don’t know if it is even possible for me to think that way. To me it was a no brainer. I’m being asked to come in. I’m employed by the school. The children need a teacher. If my GP thinks there’s no health risks then regardless of what I want (I do not want to go to school!) I’ve got to go. And here she tells me that i come first… that others have refused to, or couldn’t come in (not teachers – they hadn’t been asked yet).

I don’t honestly believe I come first. It’s really hard for me to think that way and I definitely don’t instinctively think so. Which is why it was so nice – and important- of her to say so. If I ask my GP I imagine he’ll say it’s safe. I’d I ask my rabbi I imagine he’d say not to.

Re the anxiety of going in, I have no way of knowing what will be. Before schools were all closed I took off some mornings work because I was freaking and panicking. Afternoons were somehow okay. I don’t know, can’t think, what it will be like. I really have no idea. Of course, if I go in, and then panic, it’s a no brainer that I wouldn’t go back. Well, now it’s a no brainer. I think.

Do I come first? I don’t honestly believe so. But I’m going to try and act as if it’s so.

Do you believe you come first?

Remember, you, and the people who depend on you (family et al) come first!

Love, light, and glitter

Edit: I’m trying to breathe slowly and stem the panic. I am okay. Telling myself that, and it’s the truth. The panic can come from both – who comes first, or anxiety about going back. Not sure if I am anxious about it. It makes no difference what from just what I do about it.