It’s okay

It’s okay
It’s okay to be tired
It’s okay
It’s okay to be wired

It’s okay for it to hurt
It’s okay to want to give up
It’s okay to disassociate
It’s okay for it to be too much

It’s okay
It’s okay to be you
It’s okay to be real
It’s okay to do

It’s okay

It’s okay if others
Can’t understand
It’s okay if you never do
All that you have planned

It’s okay if all you do
Is get up today
It’s okay if every moment feels
As though you’re going astray

It’s okay

Your reality is yours
No one else can change it
It’s okay – all of it
Embrace it, live with it

The only way to move past anything
Is to move into it
Accept it and yourself then maybe
You can move past it

It’s okay

Whatever your reality is or isn’t
Know for today
That it, and you, always are
Always will be, okay.

I’m reposting it because people seemed to like it and now it’ll be on my blog. I found it a lil strange how many people told me they appreciated it, because I was talking to myself. I was writing to myself. When I shared it I didn’t expect all the feedback and appreciation. I didn’t expect so many of you to tell me you appreciated the reminder of found it helpful. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating it. Thank you for telling me so…

Love, light, and glitter

Random thoughts

I don’t know if I should write this or not. But it’s probably better to than thinking about it.

Just a lot of thoughts coming together to create a picture.

Yesterday I was telling my sister that my parents should have known I was physically sensitive. I didn’t know this until a couple weeks ago when my mother was telling someone that when I was a baby she took me to the hospital because of a rash. Which turned out to be from a cream (designed for babies). I never knew until now that she’d always had factual proof that I was sensitive.

Now I was thinking about places. How when there is a lack of air concentration I get dizzy. The problem I have is that I don’t notice the gradual onset. I don’t notice the dizziness until it’s extreme – until I’m shaky, light headed and sweaty. I’ve learned from experience that it has to do with the air concentration. I know some places that bring it on. Some shops I know must have different pairs because I get dizzy there and not in other indoor closed places.

I don’t notice anything physically until it’s extreme. The other examples I wouldn’t really write here. It’s also partly why I don’t really know what goes on in my body emotionally. I don’t experience emotions as it is, but you’d think I’d see it in my body. I’m slowly learning to, but the thing is that I don’t recognise anything.

When I saw my GP about a year ago maybe. He took my blood pressure/pulse and then he asked me if I was dizzy at all. Uh, no. I didn’t recognise any dizziness. Because I wasn’t blacking at all. My vision wasn’t blurring. I wasn’t shaky or lightheaded. There was no really visible physical clue, and if it’s not really visible, how would I know it? I’ve learned to ignore anything physical. I had to.

When I was younger my father would flick my cheek. It was his way of demonstrating love. I asked him repeatedly – almost every single time I think – not to. Because it hurt. He just did it. He was trying to show his love. But he wasn’t doing that. Reminds me actually how he always said my kisses were really light and gentle. To me they weren’t. With hindsight I can see that what to me was giving a real kiss would be really gentle to another person.

One of my sisters told me one of the reasons she found it really tough with me was because of my physical sensitivity. When she’d bump into me I’d get really upset at her hurting me. When she didn’t do anything.

Everyone always told me I was just being sensitive. That what I was saying wasn’t true. I learned to believe them. In some ways I still believe them. Although now I know logically I’m not just being sensitive.

The last time my sister – a different one – bumped into me and was surprised at how strongly I reacted, I later showed her the bruise she’d left. She hadn’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t at all upset with her. I just wanted her to see that I wasn’t overreacting. When I carry heavy bags i get Mark’s, which I’ve learned are the blood capillaries broken from carrying things too heavy. It might not be too heavy for most people. For me it is.

For some reason my friends just accept and know it. It’s a non issue with them. If we go shopping my friends will most likely take the bags even if I protest. They’ll open the bottles. It’s just a non issue. Whereas with my family it is an issue. They’ll be upset if I don’t carry more than I can (I ended up having everything drop all over the other day because I was trying to bring in what I couldn’t). They’re not being ‘wrong’. They’re just believing all that they’ve always known. That I’m ‘just being sensitive’. Like sensitivity isn’t real. Because sensitivity isn’t real, is it?

I just answered the phone and said this to a friend. She said not they should’ve known, they could’ve known. And yes, whatever else.

When I was 20 E was the first person to tell me that boundaries can exist. Should exist. That you need to listen to the other. I’m surprised I recall her email. She wrote that if her 3 year old grandchild would tell her the bath was too hot she would add cold water to it. She was explaining that she would listen. That one should listen. I’m surprised I recall it. But I guess it makes sense I do. I definitely didn’t expect her to say that she’d act on it. I’d have thought she’d say no it isn’t. Or even it just feels too hot and you’ll get used to it. Or something like that. But no. She would listen. And act on it.

She said that she would knock on her child/grandchilds door, and if they asked her not to come in she wouldn’t. It took me until I was 22 to learn that my thinking things weren’t okay was because they weren’t okay. Not because I was just being sensitive. That people should respect my boundaries.

Hey, off tangent thought. I’m okay with touch from my friends. I’m not okay with touch from some people. It used to be an issue, that I wasn’t okay with touch. I think it’s that, I’m not okay with people who don’t respect my boundaries touching me.

More than I was hurt by the lack of boundaries, I was hurt by being told it was my issue. I always knew that what my mother did or said wasn’t healthy – she’s changed a lot so I feel bad writing this. My father telling me every time I went to him that I was just being sensitive or some variation of that, taught me not to trust myself. Taught me that I’m just being sensitive. That’s also why it took me until I was 22 to know that I’m allowed to have boundaries. That it’s not okay for someone to get upset with me when I’ve asked them not to enter. That it’s not okay to look for things in your adult child’s bag, no matter if what you want is innocent. You can’t go somewhere without asking. I never looked at my mother as a barometer. For anything and everything was always ‘not’. Whatever I said either wasn’t so or was me just being sensitive.

My mother isn’t a bad person. She was brought up by survivors and is learning only now to change the patterns she was raised with. It was easier for her to live in denial of what was going on (how do you face your special needs daughter saying she’s going to kill herself and it’s the families fault? How do you deal with your child killing herself albeit not knowing the risks of what they’re doing because they’re 14? How do you deal with the sibling rivalry that developed into so much more? Etc). She’s learning and been changing the past 5 years.

I looked at my father as the barometer. Because however much denial he lived in, he was definitely in a healthier place. I see now that it’s a dynamic and both my parents are imperfectly perfect. As a kid I always knew that I could approach my father, not my mother. Except that I couldn’t approach him. For instead of helping me deal with anything I asked him advice about he said I’m just being sensitive and it’s my issue. Which I believed. Because it’s my father who was talking. My father who I always idealised.

One of my sisters say it isn’t fair how we all put my mother in the wrong and my father in the right when really they’re both human. I’m not sure that she is right, because, however much I don’t trust my instincts and intuition today, I trust my child knowledge. The younger E knew that my father could be approached. The younger E who hadn’t yet learned that expressing herself is wrong and whatever she says is anyways untrue, knew that her father held the answers. Not because she looked at her father as big and strong but because she knew that her father was healthier.

Whatever. I’m not sure if I should post this. At least it’s not all just in my head. And I’m not feeling as resentful and upset as I started off before putting it down.

The why and wherefore make no difference. Yes it helps to understand why I don’t trust myself (I’ve known it for a long time now). Yes, it helps to know why I struggle with boundaries. The why doesn’t change what is today. Resentment only hurts me. Writing about it helps because I’m expressing it so it’s no longer in my head.

And the reality of today is the reality of today. I don’t trust myself. I’m learning to. I don’t trust my knowledge or my intuition. I’m learning to. Surprisingly others trust my intuition about them, believe I know way more than I do ‘because they know me’. They trust the knowledge I don’t believe is true. I don’t know what I feel pretty much ever. Though the further away it is from me, the more I can feel it. And the more I tune in and allow myself to experience whatever is going on, the more I am experiencing it. The more present I am staying with myself. (Which is how I’m aware that I’m so much on edge. Either I never was on edge, or I just didn’t live with myself). I’m not always present. I’m more and more present both in the world and with myself. I’m not aware of the physical messages my body sends me. I am aware. I’m tuning in and noticing things I wouldn’t have in the past. Like a knee twinge so stop holding myself the way I am. When in the past I wouldn’t have.

The why may give context for myself. The why doesn’t take away my responsibility today. That my reality today is my reality to deal with. The only person holding onto resentment hurts is myself. And, mostly, this is something I can let go of, and for the most part (taking specifically about this) have. Understanding my context helps me understand theirs. Doesn’t take away others responsibilities, but the responsibility isn’t mine.

This is more than long enough. And wasn’t actually what I planned on writing.

This really is 3 different posts. But because I’m writing it for me, (posting because I want a record of it, for now anyways I do) and this isn’t really the topic of my blog, so keeping it as is.

Tone-Deaf? Acceptance of others- reblog

I don’t usually just reblog posts but the message here is timely and gorgeous. We’re all part of one whole….

Just as a literally tone–deaf person is unable to comprehend the differences between musical notes, a metaphorically tone–deaf person is unable to comprehend the different facets/nuances of a given situation. A statement such a person makes might also be described as tone–deaf. Jun 12, 2014 If you were fortunate enough to be raised with music you understand this title […]


Letter to myself: 3rd April 2020

Dear E

Good morning! Welcome to a new day.

E, I just wanted to tell you that I’m with you, and that you aren’t alone. You’ve got this. There is a lot going on in your head. You don’t have to figure it all out. There is a lot going on in the world and you can’t do anything about it or anything about how your family are acting or reacting. You’re only responsible for your part E, never for anyone else’s.

I love you E, and I’m so grateful that these words can be genuinely said and heard. I don’t know how present you are. More than last night after you cut off from freaking out.

Today is a new day. Filled with endless possibilities. Your only goal for today is to try and be here. And if you do freak out at all to stay present with it for 2 minutes. I know, that is long, before cutting off.

I’m glad you’re here.

Love you.

Always and forever


PS. Just for today, trust yourself and your experiences. Believe what you feel to be reality and accept it as such. For it is real. It is true. What you think, what you do and feel, is your reality.

Letter to myself: 6th April 2020

I haven’t often written to myself in the past months and although I talk about what letters to myself have given to me I don’t have any on my blog. I may copy out the last ones but this is from this morning.

Dear E

It is day what of coronavirus? It’s 2 plus weeks since schools shut. I’m losing track of time. It must’ve been longer. Can we just skip today? Every day comes to teach you something. You’re learning to be. Be with yourself. You’re learning how important some things are to you. You’re tuning in a lot more to the source of a world.

Day what of Covid 19? We’re in April 2020 now. It started in December 2019. Conspiracies abound. What caused it. Who cares?

Learn E, learn. Learn from it. Learn from this time. Of endlessness. Learn to be with yourself. Learn who or what the infinite is. Know it is within you. And connect.

You’re never alone E. I’m always and will always be with you. Even if you mess up. I love you and always will. You’re worth it.

Always and forever


Gratitude challenge: Day 9

Gratitude Challenge

I’ve been planning on doing this for a while but just haven’t had time. I’m glad to do it today.

What books are you grateful for?

So, so, so so many….

I love self help books. Theology. Science written for the layman. Specifically The science of God by Gerald Schroeder. The Journey by Brandon Bays. R’ Aryeh Kaplan.

I like relaxing novels – specifically either romance happily ever after and children’s fiction – the real children’s, like school stories, horses, anything cute, innocent, and relaxing.

Gratitude challenge: Write thank you notes to 5 people in your life.

This is the perfect day for this as it is purim. A day when we give food to people, a day of appreciation and gifts and connection. If I had written this post earlier it would be easier to do since I’ve already sent some without notes. But I can still do it.

Please join and share your experiences with the challenge…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m thinking…. should I discard my stash?

What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you FLY?

I’m thinking, in theory, maybe, perhaps – the theoretically, potentially, possibly, perhaps, kinda maybe – to ask my friend to throw away the cocodamol I have in my draw when I’m away. It’s just a thought. It would probably be good for me not to have 1k++ in my draw. If only I’d have that in money!!! It’s something I’m thinking about. I saw randomly, I can’t recall where, that I’d given myself a deadline I wanted to do it by. I’ve passed that deadline. I told L I would (I’m thinking about it!!) and haven’t yet.

It always gave me security. Knowing I can fall back on it. Do I want to know I can fall back on it? I needed to know I could in the past. Do I need to know? Do I want that to be my security blanket???

So, I’m thinking. Actually not consciously thinking about it. I know that if I want to I’ll have to just do it. Just jump, and trust that I’ll fly.

What if I fall? Oh, darling, what if you fly?
On blue would background.
Sometimes you have to just take a leap of faith.
Sometimes, sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith. Without thinking about it so much. For otherwise the fear will override all.

I’m thinking… 🙂

Love, light, and glitter

What is the connection between krav maga and fighting the monsters/demons in my head?

I wrote this a while ago. The 18th of November to be precise. Okay, a long while ago…. Probably after one krav maga class. Not like I know much about it after 3. I thought I had copied it from my journal, but it seems like I haven’t. I’m sure that there is more to add to it, but I’m just going to post it and if I ever want to I can always change it… if you have anything to add please let me know!!

I wrote this when I had begun copying out a letter to myself – – and found it interesting to see how the rules of krav maga apply to real life.

The first rule of krav maga is not to fight unless you have to.

Don’t engage. Don’t fight. Run away. Get away from the battlefield as fast as possible.

Taking preventative measures comes first. Be aware and avoid violence. You can prevent yourself from getting into a danger zone by keeping your eyes and ears open. If you see a problem around you, stay away. – Core principles krav maga

Don’t engage with the thoughts or desires. Don’t fight them. Run away. Get away from the battlefield as fast as possible. Don’t fight when you don’t need to. Whenever and wherever possible stay away from fighting.

Rule two of krav maga – distract

If you are facing the opponent and can’t get away without engaging at all, distract your opponent and use those seconds that you’ll have whilst the enemy is distracted to run away.

If you’re already engaged with the demons in your head, distract yourself. Don’t engage, and run away. Don’t entertain the thoughts or wonder if they’re real. Don’t rationalise it or think it through logically – I promise you can come up with 100 logical proofs why the demons in your head are correct. I know I always can! Maybe not a hundred. Distract with whatever works best for you. Call someone. Listen to music. Watch a movie. Scrapbook. Journal. Exercise.

Prevent yourself from getting in danger by keeping your eyes and ears open. You know your danger zones. You know when the monster in your head likes to take control. Prevent yourself from getting in contact by avoiding triggers. Keep your eyes and ears open. Stay aware at all times and don’t put yourself in situations that could be unsafe.

If you have to fight, knock your enemy down as fast as possible by hitting their weak spots. As soon as they’re down, run. If you have to engage with your demons, hit their weak spots, then run away. Don’t engage with them.

Don’t stay to kill or disarm the enemy. Just run. The enemy is stronger and the goal is safety. Don’t stay to destroy the demons. The demons may be stronger than you. Run to safety whilst you can.

Always face your enemy, know who they are, and be aware of any attacks they can carry out on you. Know what the monster in your head looks like. Be aware of the tricks it may play to engage with you and destroy you.

Keep both feet on the ground whenever possible so that you’re less likely to be unbalanced. When you’re walking or moving side step so that you have both feet on the ground at almost all times. When you have one foot in the air you don’t have the same balance. If someone pushes you when you’ve a foot in the air you’ll go flying. If someone pushes you when you’ve both feet on the ground you’ve a greater chance of remaining standing. Your chances of getting up from the ground and running are less than your chances of being able to run when you’re standing at all times. Keep yourself balanced as much as you can. Try not to put yourself in a position where someone or something can unbalance you easily.

Side note. Sometimes you can kill the enemy. You can use moves that will disable them or destroy them completely. You can destroy the demons. I was discussing this with someone, saying how I envisioned not opening the door, he wanted to know why I didn’t go one further, and envision destroying it. I couldn’t then. Sometimes one can.

Even if no one reads through this, it helped me to write it, and the principles of it, of not engaging if you don’t need to, only engaging how much you have to in order to get away, have definitely helped me in my life. Which I’m grateful for.

HAVE FUN!! That’s the most important principle of all.

Love, light, and glitter

Gratitude challenge: Day 8

Gratitude Challenge

Day 8: What new connection are you grateful for?

I’m grateful for a whole lot of people. I’m grateful to know that some people I work with are interested in me. I’m grateful for building – slowly- a friendship with someone, the kind that won’t be deep or intense and just fun. I’m grateful for the connection I’ve started building with a source. I’m grateful that I can connect to people. That what used to be unsafe and impossible can exist.

Gratitude challenge Day 8: Send flowers – or something nice – to someone you care about.

Hmm, what counts? I have a keyring for someone, and actually, I baked and gave someone cookies today. Forgot about that. It’d be nice if I made something to give to someone. Maybe more cookies…

Love, light, and glitter

Gratitude challenge: Day 3

Gratitude Challenge

What food have you eaten are you grateful for?

I’m grateful for snackers. I’ve been having that because my stomach is a bit of a mess, and they’re perfect for the job.

Challenge: Go one full day without complaining

I’m going to try finish the rest of the day without complaining – about anything at all. Or even just the next hour or so.

Thank you for joining me in this challenge! I’m looking forward to your answers.

Re yesterdays gratitude challenge – of showing appreciation to someone, at quarter to twelve I messaged the person I wanted to thanking him for the support he has given to me the past few years. If not for it being the days challenge I wouldn’t have done so. And I texted someone a really nice message.

I’m thinking of staying off work tomorrow, if I do I may have time to do it. I prepared the heading of this post in advance, otherwise I would have just left it. I’m looking forward to continuing with it next week some time.

Love, light and glitter