I wrote this a while ago. The 18th of November to be precise. Okay, a long while ago…. Probably after one krav maga class. Not like I know much about it after 3. I thought I had copied it from my journal, but it seems like I haven’t. I’m sure that there is more to add to it, but I’m just going to post it and if I ever want to I can always change it… if you have anything to add please let me know!!
I wrote this when I had begun copying out a letter to myself – https://elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-15th-november-19/ – and found it interesting to see how the rules of krav maga apply to real life.
The first rule of krav maga is not to fight unless you have to.
Don’t engage. Don’t fight. Run away. Get away from the battlefield as fast as possible.
Taking preventative measures comes first. Be aware and avoid violence. You can prevent yourself from getting into a danger zone by keeping your eyes and ears open. If you see a problem around you, stay away. – Core principles krav maga
Don’t engage with the thoughts or desires. Don’t fight them. Run away. Get away from the battlefield as fast as possible. Don’t fight when you don’t need to. Whenever and wherever possible stay away from fighting.
Rule two of krav maga – distract
If you are facing the opponent and can’t get away without engaging at all, distract your opponent and use those seconds that you’ll have whilst the enemy is distracted to run away.
If you’re already engaged with the demons in your head, distract yourself. Don’t engage, and run away. Don’t entertain the thoughts or wonder if they’re real. Don’t rationalise it or think it through logically – I promise you can come up with 100 logical proofs why the demons in your head are correct. I know I always can! Maybe not a hundred. Distract with whatever works best for you. Call someone. Listen to music. Watch a movie. Scrapbook. Journal. Exercise.
Prevent yourself from getting in danger by keeping your eyes and ears open. You know your danger zones. You know when the monster in your head likes to take control. Prevent yourself from getting in contact by avoiding triggers. Keep your eyes and ears open. Stay aware at all times and don’t put yourself in situations that could be unsafe.
If you have to fight, knock your enemy down as fast as possible by hitting their weak spots. As soon as they’re down, run. If you have to engage with your demons, hit their weak spots, then run away. Don’t engage with them.
Don’t stay to kill or disarm the enemy. Just run. The enemy is stronger and the goal is safety. Don’t stay to destroy the demons. The demons may be stronger than you. Run to safety whilst you can.
Always face your enemy, know who they are, and be aware of any attacks they can carry out on you. Know what the monster in your head looks like. Be aware of the tricks it may play to engage with you and destroy you.
Keep both feet on the ground whenever possible so that you’re less likely to be unbalanced. When you’re walking or moving side step so that you have both feet on the ground at almost all times. When you have one foot in the air you don’t have the same balance. If someone pushes you when you’ve a foot in the air you’ll go flying. If someone pushes you when you’ve both feet on the ground you’ve a greater chance of remaining standing. Your chances of getting up from the ground and running are less than your chances of being able to run when you’re standing at all times. Keep yourself balanced as much as you can. Try not to put yourself in a position where someone or something can unbalance you easily.
Side note. Sometimes you can kill the enemy. You can use moves that will disable them or destroy them completely. You can destroy the demons. I was discussing this with someone, saying how I envisioned not opening the door, he wanted to know why I didn’t go one further, and envision destroying it. I couldn’t then. Sometimes one can.
Even if no one reads through this, it helped me to write it, and the principles of it, of not engaging if you don’t need to, only engaging how much you have to in order to get away, have definitely helped me in my life. Which I’m grateful for.
HAVE FUN!! That’s the most important principle of all.
Love, light, and glitter
A year ago Simon wrote a letter to himself in a years time, and I copied the idea (where’s this years letter Si?). I just read the letter I wrote to myself to be read in 2020, and my plan for the past year. It makes me both nostalgic, and appreciate what is right now.
A year ago I wrote what I wanted the year to be about.
It’s the start of an entirely new year. A year I get to choose. I have the choices to make. The responsibility is mine. Looking back I see how often I refused to take responsibility. I wouldn’t say refused as much as didn’t. Wasn’t aware that I could. Seeing it gives me the choice. To take responsibility for my life. To own what is mine. The choices that I make. The actions I take. The decisions. That are mine to own. I used to wish some fairy would just come in and wave their magic wand and take over my life for me. I don’t any longer. I’m grateful. Grateful that my life is mine to live. That my mistakes are mine to own.Reasons to LIve 149
It’s nice to see. To see that I am taking the responsibility I wanted to a year ago. To see the change. To see how my plan for the year – to own my life – materialised. I’ve taken, am taking, responsibility for my life. I can’t say I always take the responsibility I want to. More like, I push off things I want to do, but I am doing this. I’m not doing all I think taking responsibility means. I’m doing a lot more of it (A1, A10 as Em and Skinny Hobbit so kindly pointed out last night).
A year ago I wrote a letter to myself, to be read this year. The shortened version reads
Looking back at the year you’ll probably see lotsa changes, and lotsa things that are still the same. I wonder where you’ll be in a years time…. I wonder if you’ll have studied further. I wonder if you’ll have changed your views on dating. I wonder whether you’ve worked through what you believe. I wonder if you’re teaching….
It’s strange to read this letter. I want you to realise how much is different. You’ve set your plan for the year out. You wrote about it in the post about responsibility and freedom. Eh, looks like it’s titled ‘Taking ownership of my life’. Yup, take ownership of your life. You are doing that. I’m guessing you’ve been doing that a lot more in the past year than you ever have. Remember jokingly asked R’ R if he’d take over, with the grain of truth there? I’m glad you can take control. I’m glad you can take responsibility. I’m glad you want to. I wonder what it’ll be like for you.
As with everything, it’s a new year. A year has gone by. A year of hope. A year of dreams. A year of aspirations. A year of laughter. A year. A year has gone by. A year seems like such a long time. You’ll be 25 when you’re reading this. 25 seems so young. Yet so much older than 24. Age is meaningless. …you’ll be connecting to the you of a year ago who had no clue what to write to herself for a years time.
I love you E. If there’s one thing I hope you’ve learned during this year it’s that you’re not guilty. And you’re deserving. Both. I know that they’re flip sides of the same coin, separate yet so similar. If there’s another thing I hope you’ve learned it’s that whatever happens you really do have your greatest ally – yourself – at your side. Trust your intuition! Don’t feel guilty for it. Just be you. For you’re the most fantastic, amazing person I’ve ever met. Just because you’re you. As you always tell others, you don’t have to do anything to be worthy, you just ARE. Asides that you’re part of the infinite, so you must be infinity itself. Whatever happens E, whatever you’ve done this year, whatever you haven’t done, whatever you’re grateful for, whatever you hate, whatever you love, whatever you want to change, whatever you want to throw away, regardless of anything E, you’re always worth it, and you’ll always have your own best friend – yourself – with you….. I hope that’s another thing that’s different now a year later. I hope that you really do love yourself. Feel safe with yourself. Believe in yourself. I hope that the life you’re living is a life beyond your wildest dreams. Loving life doesn’t mean it’ll be easy. It means it’ll be real, you’ll be present for it, and that you’re loving the ride – the ups, the downs, the plateaus, the cliff jumps, the rocks, the paragliding. You’re awesome E! Am I beginning to repeat myself and get boring already?pART OF THE LETTER TO MYSELF
It was, is, nice to read it. I appreciate seeing what I wrote. Hearing this again. A lot of what I wrote that I want to be different, it is different. It’s not completely different. It’s partially. I wanted to get to B, instead, I’m on the way there and not where I was. It’s nice to actually see it in written form. I appreciate it especially now when I’m busy messing my life up and it feels a bit like – what was it all worth? For it was worth it. During the last year I’ve taken responsibility. I’ve built relationships. I’m okay with touch.
I wrote that I hope I feel safe with myself, love myself and believe in myself. I don’t. But I feel safer with myself. I love myself more than I did. I believe in myself more than I did. I know, logically, that I’m worth it. I wanted to work through what I believe. A year ago I was hoping to be a lot farther on. To know fully what I believe. I don’t know fully. I know a lot more than I knew a year ago. I’ve separated some of what I hate about the culture I grew up in, from actual Judaism. I know that they’re 2 different things. That the culture and people aren’t what judaism is about, and I shouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think that’s a saying or something.
I think the first sentence I wrote is the truest. That looking back over the past year I can see a lot of change, and there are a lot of things that are still the same. I see change with boundaries I’m able to keep and respect. I see it the same with boundaries too, how I’ve crossed my own boundaries with someone and thereby crossed theirs, and I’m not sure how to have a relationship with them without wrecking it. I see change in the responsibility I’m taking. I see how it’s the same that I don’t want to take it. I see change in how I don’t feel the guilt for living, existing, and being that I used to. It’s the same in that I don’t really know I’m deserving of it (life). I see a lot of change. And a lot that is still the same. I’m glad to see this. To see that it isn’t all the same.
I like that you’re writing to yourself in a years time for it means that you actually envision yourself to be here in a year. You actually plan on being alive for 2020.
I didn’t. I didn’t really plan on being alive for 2020. Now, I do. I do plan on being alive for 2020. I want to be here. This isn’t about what I want for 2020. It’s more about seeing what was. What I want? That’s another topic entirely. I’ve not reflected on what I want yet this year, it’s not something I’ve been able to do, and, that’s okay. For the moment it’s about getting through the moment and planning how to move past today’s reality and needs.
I’m grateful. I’m grateful for the past year. I’m grateful I get to see what is different. I’m grateful that where there never used to be choice, there is choice now. I’m grateful that I can see the possibility of another life, a life without messing my life up. I’m grateful for all that was, and that I can see that it isn’t the same.
Thank you to all of you who’ve been here with me this past year – I hope you know how much I appreciate it.
So long as there’s life, there’s hope.
Love, light and glitter
I’m wondering if it was my imagination that I was okay.
Took cocodamol and if I wasn’t cutting off I would be scaring myself. I’m not crossing into the danger zone as of now but way too close for my liking. It wasn’t meant to be this way. I thought that was it with self harm or messing up my life. I was trying to build my life. And I thought I was doing so. Building a life for myself however slowly. I guess I really was. Working more. Working through what I believe. Connecting to a source, to people. Building health relationships with people and putting boundaries in place with others. The only thing I was messing with was food and it was okay. It really was okay. Unless I’m imagining that it was okay and really it wasn’t. I don’t know. Today is today. I don’t want to have to deal with any of this. I don’t know what is behind any of it. At the moment it doesn’t seem too daunting – coz I’ve cut off from it. Reminds me how grateful I always was for being present. And the plans I was making for how to learn what I feel, to be present with what I feel. Why’m I rambling? I want to use more (cocodamol). For now not going to, will see if I can get to sleep first, since I’m not sure how safe it’ll be to take another 8. I know I’ve used more than 40 in the past. It’s so easy to take when you swallow (2 plus years ago when I was using I used soluble). Going to try and sleep. Was listening to a song earlier about god being with you always. Was wondering if there is a source of the world really with me. It’s possible, even if I can’t see why this is what a source would be wanting for me (and it’s not what I’m choosing. I really didn’t choose this). Writing too much. Let’s hope this makes some sort of sense. It’s too much became it’s not like I’m actually saying anything. I don’t want this – the messing my life up – for my life. So I’ll have to figure something out. Even if I was never meant to be in this place of destruction and never meant to have to figure it out. Though as I said, maybe it was just my imagination that I was okay. I know it wasn’t my imagination, but that makes the most sense for what is now. I know, I don’t need to rationalise anything, and I’ll figure it out later. I wish I didn’t have to do this. I wish this wasn’t my reality. I wish I could just go back to what was and continue the upwards trajectory. You know, using has one benefit I never expected. I’ve cut off enough that in a sense I can see what I want more. I really won’t appreciate all the scars I’ve given myself. If I wasn’t here right now I would accept them much more. And I really should stop here.
Love, light and glitter
Edit. Its nearly 7am. Been dozing on and off. Feeling dizzy, icky and been throwing up nothing. Travelling tonight and really want to be okay by then. (Somehow need to pack whilst feeling like this). When I’m away I won’t be messing up at all. That’s my plan. To then figure it out when back. And for now need to find a way to feel better. I used to like the dazedness of cocodamol. Really not feeling very good.
I’m tired, and wish this weren’t my reality. I was never meant to mess up with anything ever again. That was my plan anyways. I’m not sure what happened to derail it. And I know that isn’t important now. I just really wish it wasn’t what it is. I didn’t ask for it. And however much it’s obviously all my choices I don’t see how or where it ever really was a choice. That’s not what I came on to write. Now I just want to feel better (physically) and wonder if there is a way to.
There’s nothing there
They don’t understand that
There really is
It’s as though I’m watching
From the viewing tower
There is nothing there
I can’t get through
The glass wall
I don’t know
I don’t know what is there
I don’t know what is there
Sometimes I wonder
If there is anything at all
I’m scared I’ll come and see that
There is nothing
There is nothing there
I’m scared I’ll see that
All I am is an illusion
Beneath the facade,
As soon as you get through the walls
The walls I can’t penetrate
Can’t see what’s there
I’ll see that
The reason I could never see beyond
There isn’t. Anything.
Is that all there is
All there ever will be
I am nothing. Nothing.
My response to there’s nothing there elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-14th-september-19/
I do know that we’ll find the key. And Eliza, when we find the key, we’ll find a beautiful garden. Filled with flowers and weeds. Tangled and tended to. A beautiful garden. Awesome in it’s wilderness. And together we’ll prune and let it continue to grow. We’ll find a garden Eliza. We’ll find a garden.
There is something there. You aren’t nothing. When you see reality, you’ll know reality is real, exists. It’s not emptiness. It’s not an illusion. It is there. It’s there. We’ll find the key Eliza. And we’ll unlock the door. And have fun playing. And learning. Learning the names of the plants and the purposes they serve. Looking at the beauty. Lying in the sun. It’ll be awesome exploring. Like Mary Lennox (The secret garden).Letter to myself
There is so much darkness
So much light
I wonder which are real
And then I know
Black and white
And all the colours of the rainbow
And the dark
And the dark
For that’s a part of the picture
Brings the part into a whole
Vie for front position
Have to learn
That they can live together
For one reality
Doesn’t negate another
They’re a contradiction in terms
For it then forms
It calls my name
I hear it whispering
It promises me comfort
It’s home to me
It’s what I know
What I know and what I deserve
It calls my name
I hear it echoing
It wants me to join it
To come out and play
It promises me it’s my friend
It knows me best, after all
It calls my name
I hear it, I hear it
I know it’s where I belong
It’s my friend
It brings peace, blankness
It brings destruction in it’s wake
It calls my name
Whilst another voice whispers
Joins in the fray
Promises it’s not all there is
Not all there is to life
It calls my name
Whilst hope whispers too
Don’t know where to turn
Dizzy from them both
If it’s even real
Or if I imagine (create) it all
So many choices
Why do I have to constantly choose?
When will the choice finally go
When will it just be living with the choice of life I once made without the constant wish to just destroy it all, and the wondering if I even want that.
OCD (the thought)? I don’t think so. But who knows.
Why do I have to choose?