It’s okay

It’s okay
It’s okay to be tired
It’s okay
It’s okay to be wired

It’s okay for it to hurt
It’s okay to want to give up
It’s okay to disassociate
It’s okay for it to be too much

It’s okay
It’s okay to be you
It’s okay to be real
It’s okay to do

It’s okay

It’s okay if others
Can’t understand
It’s okay if you never do
All that you have planned

It’s okay if all you do
Is get up today
It’s okay if every moment feels
As though you’re going astray

It’s okay

Your reality is yours
No one else can change it
It’s okay – all of it
Embrace it, live with it

The only way to move past anything
Is to move into it
Accept it and yourself then maybe
You can move past it

It’s okay

Whatever your reality is or isn’t
Know for today
That it, and you, always are
Always will be, okay.


I’m reposting it because people seemed to like it and now it’ll be on my blog. I found it a lil strange how many people told me they appreciated it, because I was talking to myself. I was writing to myself. When I shared it I didn’t expect all the feedback and appreciation. I didn’t expect so many of you to tell me you appreciated the reminder of found it helpful. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating it. Thank you for telling me so…

Love, light, and glitter

How do you fill a cup with a crack in it?

Can you fill a cup with a crack in it?

I wonder if I’ll fully write this post. Maybe if I keep it short. I replied to this in a comment to Keith, and said it deserves a post of its own. I’m in the middle of writing numerous posts. If I don’t finish it, it just doesn’t happen. I know how to go with the flow. I don’t know how to get back to writing something I started. Well, we’ll see if this is something I’ll publish or not. Bring that I haven’t written anything yet!!!!


It’s always easiest to explain what I mean when I bring it to my life.

EV is an older email friend of mine. Someone put us in touch for that purpose. She feels old which I find funny. I guess I’ve grown up in an older family so don’t see 70 as old. Though we’ve been in touch since she was early 60s. Rambling off tangent as usual. Anyways, I used to ask her for reassurance that she was there. A lot. Until it got to the point that it wasn’t healthy. (We worked through it, got past it). It taught me a lot that relationship.

It taught me that she could never tell me enough that she was there. However much she would tell me I wouldn’t, couldn’t, believe it or hear it.

AH – my ex therapist – once told me that I wasn’t believing that he could possibly care about me.

Safety. Trust. Believing people can care. Believing you’re worth it. Believing you are lovable.

I used to think it can come from others. I used to think people can pour it into the cup. Until I learned that if you pour into a cup that has no bottom nothing can stay in. It’s bottomless. Nothing is ever, can ever, be enough.

There has to be a cup there. When there is a cup there, people can pour into it.

So is it the internal or the external?

Well really, it’s a mixture of both. The external can never be absorbed unless there is the internal. However, that’s not to say that nobody external can help you build the internal. Also, take a crack with gaps. The water stays in the cup. It may drop out and need refilling more often, but the water poured into it stays. And, people can definitely help you build the cup.

I stopped asking for reassurance in relationships. Any kinda relationship I mean. Because I realised that I didn’t hear what was said. I couldn’t hear it and the words made no difference. (That didn’t stop me from listening almost daily to AH’s voice message telling me I wouldn’t push him away).

And I feel like this isn’t worth posting for it doesn’t really say anything…

For yes, I think we all know that there has to be a cup to pour things into if we want it to stay. It has to be internally absorbed, known, for the external to make a difference. And I also think we all know that people can help you build that cup. That the external sources can help you build that internal resource.

Gratitude challenge: Day 16

Gratitude Challenge

Day 16: Which new places did you see and love?

Spain! The islands and beaches there are awesome.

Gratitude challenge day 16: Recognise three things that you usually take for granted?

I don’t think I take them for granted, but breathing, my garden, and my family.

Looking forward to hearing your responses…


Love, light, and glitter

Random

I’m freaking out. Not for any reason. Writing this is focusing me. Friend asked me to come say hello. Not sure if I can – as in, if I’ll be able to hold myself together enough. Gonna get out the car and say hello to her. Even though, I dunno. I don’t know what I want from her. I made an appointment to speak to someone on Thursday. I don’t think it’ll be helpful, mainly coz he sounded like he was making this appointment as a favour for the aforementioned friend. Yesterday dermatology appointment was okay and krav maga which I was panicking about before and it was okay. Gonna go to said friends house now for a few minutes – I went to say hello in the car park and she asked if I can come over. I will have to ask her another time what I am like when I’m on edge. And just, every moment is a new moment.

Love, light and glitter

I feel like I can’t breathe

Sometimes I just feel like I can't breathe

I feel like I can’t breathe. Trying to breathe through it and ignore the pain in my chest/throat, mainly throat. So tired. So tired. So tired. Finding it hard to breathe. Went to the library. Went on a ride – drove. Friend came over. I wanted her to give me a hug. Couldn’t ask her for one. Too much in protection mode. Still feel like I can’t breathe. Freaking out. Don’t have a reason to. Not that I need a reason to. It’d just be easier, maybe, if I understood why I was freaking out, rather than freaking out over nothing. And if I’m freaking over nothing, I’m not looking forward to packing. I always freak out when I pack. So I’m learning to prepare in advance and pack earlier, I still usually panic. I’m not interested in freaking. I don’t know. Tired. Finding it hard to breathe and just breathing through it, which doesn’t really help at all. I wanted to go on the motorway but unsure if the mirror is up to it for it was broken yesterday so although it didn’t come out at all today – one of the side mirrors – not gonna risk taking it on the motorway until it’s been checked over by a mechanic. If on a side road and it comes out can push it back in but it’s not safe on the motorway. Why on earth do I care about safety? I want to use cocodamol. Not because I want to use. But to calm down. I want the cloud, the haze. I want the peace. I forgot, the last time I saw my GP I’d planned on asking him if he’d have any medication I could take on an as needed basis. I forgot to ask him. Mainly because I discussed 2 different things properly with him and I couldn’t ask anything else, but really I just forgot coz’ it wasn’t relevant. I’d planned on asking 3 months ago, and the appointment was pushed off and off and off. And now I can’t breathe. And it’ll pass. And tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow is always a new day.

Love, light and glitter

Eliza

.

I don’t have anything to write. It doesn’t help that I understand what is going on and why, it doesn’t make it easier. I just want it to stop. And I can’t stop it. I can’t make myself believe I’m worth it, however much I know it. I can’t change what my life was or how it taught me to know I’m guilty for existing. I can learn it’s not so, it’s not reality, I cant change how much trying to act on my life hurts and makes me want to destroy myself. Doing good brings up all the subconscious beliefs that have run my life until now. Acting against it makes me fight. I’m tired of how much I want to destroy myself and self harm. It wasn’t so intense when I wasn’t trying to create my own life.

Rant over.

Edit: I know that so long as I don’t actually mess up in any way it’ll pass and I’ll be okay. I know that my reaction makes sense even though that doesn’t help any. When I was telling my friend the other night what was going on she told me she thinks its something or another can’t recall the official term for it. I found it funny as she explained how I would then react, for yeah I know, I’m living with it. Just finished reading a book and heading to sleep. Here’s to keeping to good things and staying away from the negative. And hopefully if it doesn’t pass soon will figure out what to do then.

Song of the day: Breathe Me – Sia

A friend just sent this to me.

For all those whom this is their world.

Lyrics

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there’s no one else to blame

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I’m needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I’m needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, I’m needy
Warm me up and breathe me