Random thoughts

I don’t know if I should write this or not. But it’s probably better to than thinking about it.

Just a lot of thoughts coming together to create a picture.

Yesterday I was telling my sister that my parents should have known I was physically sensitive. I didn’t know this until a couple weeks ago when my mother was telling someone that when I was a baby she took me to the hospital because of a rash. Which turned out to be from a cream (designed for babies). I never knew until now that she’d always had factual proof that I was sensitive.

Now I was thinking about places. How when there is a lack of air concentration I get dizzy. The problem I have is that I don’t notice the gradual onset. I don’t notice the dizziness until it’s extreme – until I’m shaky, light headed and sweaty. I’ve learned from experience that it has to do with the air concentration. I know some places that bring it on. Some shops I know must have different pairs because I get dizzy there and not in other indoor closed places.

I don’t notice anything physically until it’s extreme. The other examples I wouldn’t really write here. It’s also partly why I don’t really know what goes on in my body emotionally. I don’t experience emotions as it is, but you’d think I’d see it in my body. I’m slowly learning to, but the thing is that I don’t recognise anything.

When I saw my GP about a year ago maybe. He took my blood pressure/pulse and then he asked me if I was dizzy at all. Uh, no. I didn’t recognise any dizziness. Because I wasn’t blacking at all. My vision wasn’t blurring. I wasn’t shaky or lightheaded. There was no really visible physical clue, and if it’s not really visible, how would I know it? I’ve learned to ignore anything physical. I had to.

When I was younger my father would flick my cheek. It was his way of demonstrating love. I asked him repeatedly – almost every single time I think – not to. Because it hurt. He just did it. He was trying to show his love. But he wasn’t doing that. Reminds me actually how he always said my kisses were really light and gentle. To me they weren’t. With hindsight I can see that what to me was giving a real kiss would be really gentle to another person.

One of my sisters told me one of the reasons she found it really tough with me was because of my physical sensitivity. When she’d bump into me I’d get really upset at her hurting me. When she didn’t do anything.

Everyone always told me I was just being sensitive. That what I was saying wasn’t true. I learned to believe them. In some ways I still believe them. Although now I know logically I’m not just being sensitive.

The last time my sister – a different one – bumped into me and was surprised at how strongly I reacted, I later showed her the bruise she’d left. She hadn’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t at all upset with her. I just wanted her to see that I wasn’t overreacting. When I carry heavy bags i get Mark’s, which I’ve learned are the blood capillaries broken from carrying things too heavy. It might not be too heavy for most people. For me it is.

For some reason my friends just accept and know it. It’s a non issue with them. If we go shopping my friends will most likely take the bags even if I protest. They’ll open the bottles. It’s just a non issue. Whereas with my family it is an issue. They’ll be upset if I don’t carry more than I can (I ended up having everything drop all over the other day because I was trying to bring in what I couldn’t). They’re not being ‘wrong’. They’re just believing all that they’ve always known. That I’m ‘just being sensitive’. Like sensitivity isn’t real. Because sensitivity isn’t real, is it?


I just answered the phone and said this to a friend. She said not they should’ve known, they could’ve known. And yes, whatever else.

When I was 20 E was the first person to tell me that boundaries can exist. Should exist. That you need to listen to the other. I’m surprised I recall her email. She wrote that if her 3 year old grandchild would tell her the bath was too hot she would add cold water to it. She was explaining that she would listen. That one should listen. I’m surprised I recall it. But I guess it makes sense I do. I definitely didn’t expect her to say that she’d act on it. I’d have thought she’d say no it isn’t. Or even it just feels too hot and you’ll get used to it. Or something like that. But no. She would listen. And act on it.

She said that she would knock on her child/grandchilds door, and if they asked her not to come in she wouldn’t. It took me until I was 22 to learn that my thinking things weren’t okay was because they weren’t okay. Not because I was just being sensitive. That people should respect my boundaries.

Hey, off tangent thought. I’m okay with touch from my friends. I’m not okay with touch from some people. It used to be an issue, that I wasn’t okay with touch. I think it’s that, I’m not okay with people who don’t respect my boundaries touching me.

More than I was hurt by the lack of boundaries, I was hurt by being told it was my issue. I always knew that what my mother did or said wasn’t healthy – she’s changed a lot so I feel bad writing this. My father telling me every time I went to him that I was just being sensitive or some variation of that, taught me not to trust myself. Taught me that I’m just being sensitive. That’s also why it took me until I was 22 to know that I’m allowed to have boundaries. That it’s not okay for someone to get upset with me when I’ve asked them not to enter. That it’s not okay to look for things in your adult child’s bag, no matter if what you want is innocent. You can’t go somewhere without asking. I never looked at my mother as a barometer. For anything and everything was always ‘not’. Whatever I said either wasn’t so or was me just being sensitive.

My mother isn’t a bad person. She was brought up by survivors and is learning only now to change the patterns she was raised with. It was easier for her to live in denial of what was going on (how do you face your special needs daughter saying she’s going to kill herself and it’s the families fault? How do you deal with your child killing herself albeit not knowing the risks of what they’re doing because they’re 14? How do you deal with the sibling rivalry that developed into so much more? Etc). She’s learning and been changing the past 5 years.

I looked at my father as the barometer. Because however much denial he lived in, he was definitely in a healthier place. I see now that it’s a dynamic and both my parents are imperfectly perfect. As a kid I always knew that I could approach my father, not my mother. Except that I couldn’t approach him. For instead of helping me deal with anything I asked him advice about he said I’m just being sensitive and it’s my issue. Which I believed. Because it’s my father who was talking. My father who I always idealised.

One of my sisters say it isn’t fair how we all put my mother in the wrong and my father in the right when really they’re both human. I’m not sure that she is right, because, however much I don’t trust my instincts and intuition today, I trust my child knowledge. The younger E knew that my father could be approached. The younger E who hadn’t yet learned that expressing herself is wrong and whatever she says is anyways untrue, knew that her father held the answers. Not because she looked at her father as big and strong but because she knew that her father was healthier.


Whatever. I’m not sure if I should post this. At least it’s not all just in my head. And I’m not feeling as resentful and upset as I started off before putting it down.

The why and wherefore make no difference. Yes it helps to understand why I don’t trust myself (I’ve known it for a long time now). Yes, it helps to know why I struggle with boundaries. The why doesn’t change what is today. Resentment only hurts me. Writing about it helps because I’m expressing it so it’s no longer in my head.

And the reality of today is the reality of today. I don’t trust myself. I’m learning to. I don’t trust my knowledge or my intuition. I’m learning to. Surprisingly others trust my intuition about them, believe I know way more than I do ‘because they know me’. They trust the knowledge I don’t believe is true. I don’t know what I feel pretty much ever. Though the further away it is from me, the more I can feel it. And the more I tune in and allow myself to experience whatever is going on, the more I am experiencing it. The more present I am staying with myself. (Which is how I’m aware that I’m so much on edge. Either I never was on edge, or I just didn’t live with myself). I’m not always present. I’m more and more present both in the world and with myself. I’m not aware of the physical messages my body sends me. I am aware. I’m tuning in and noticing things I wouldn’t have in the past. Like a knee twinge so stop holding myself the way I am. When in the past I wouldn’t have.

The why may give context for myself. The why doesn’t take away my responsibility today. That my reality today is my reality to deal with. The only person holding onto resentment hurts is myself. And, mostly, this is something I can let go of, and for the most part (taking specifically about this) have. Understanding my context helps me understand theirs. Doesn’t take away others responsibilities, but the responsibility isn’t mine.

This is more than long enough. And wasn’t actually what I planned on writing.

This really is 3 different posts. But because I’m writing it for me, (posting because I want a record of it, for now anyways I do) and this isn’t really the topic of my blog, so keeping it as is.

How do you identify yourself?

Just a thought. Trying to clarify this in my mind.

There’s a lot of darkness. There’s a lot of negativity. Some of the choices I’m making really are not the best. However, and this is a big point, I get to choose what I identify with. How I identify myself. What choices define me and what don’t.

A few years ago R’ R said to me along the lines of that it’s up to me to choose which part I identified with. It was re religion but the point is the same. I’ve always remembered it and it’s made a big difference to my life.

What do I choose to identify with?

So, I’m not eating enough at all. It’s a big part of my life today. Just a fact. True. In a big sense it’s an act of self care. There’s self sabotage involved too, but, primarily, I’m looking after myself in the best way I can. Since I cut down a couple weeks ago my mind is much quieter. Until then I’d been thinking a lot about various things I had to emotionally let go off. Re Judaism and the past. Let go so that I can choose what I want my life to be. I still have to let go, but it’s not on my mind. My friends are all really struggling with different things. It’s not so hard for me to handle.

So I’m not eating enough. The only scary part is how it makes self harm (which would automatically mean taking cocodamol) much more of an option.

On the other hand is the rest of my life.

I’ve started running and I’ve kept up with it. Much to my surprise. I think a lot about the idea of motivation. That motivation isn’t the feeling, but actually doing. Motivation is the actions and the feelings come along. I’m not motivated in some sense but I’ve kept at it and I’m so proud of myself for how far I’ve gotten, and mainly for keeping at it even when I feel like I’m literally dragging myself out.

I’ve been making my bed each morning. It might be considered minor to some people but to me it’s really major.

I’ve been aiming to write gratitudes every day. So it’s not every day. And it’s not the 50 new ones a day R and I originally set out to do. I’m still passed 900!!!

I’ve been spending time with my family and loving spending time with them. I’ve gotten to spend time with some truly special people who may be leaving soon and I’ll miss them so much.

I’ve finally realised how much I love taking pictures. I love photography. Specifically nature photography. I don’t think I care so much for pictures per se. I’ve hundreds of photos of leaves, grass, trees, sky, colours, water, birds etc. on my phone. I think I like taking pictures of birds and ducks and some animals.

I’ve been colouring and listening to Louise Hay a lot. I like her thoughts. That our thoughts define us. One thing I noticed myself doing a while ago and I’m trying to keep with it is not to say I hate myself or the like. Rather to name what bothers me and change it from defining me. It doesn’t define me. Nothing I think or do has to define me. I define myself.

I’ve been speaking to a family member who is manipulative, especially with me, a few times. It wasn’t all okay. It was better than it has been. I kept my boundaries more.

I’ve kept my boundaries with someone in my life who is struggling a lot. I didn’t take on responsibility that isn’t mine. I didn’t help, which is one of the hardest and most guilt inducing things I’ve ever done. I’ve been there for her. I’ve gone out with her. I’ve helped her in other ways. But never in a way I was worried about. Never in a way that could possibly be taking on responsibility that isn’t mine. It’s been tough. It’s been really hard to hold her pain, be there for her, care, and not let it impact me. It definitely has impacted me. But for the most part I’ve been okay with it. For the most part when I think I’m guilty for what I haven’t and am not doing (No advice. Ever.) I correct myself. It’s hard to believe I come first. I don’t believe it. I know I don’t come first. Yet I’m putting myself first.

My friends are all struggling with different things. I’ve been there and stepped back. I’ve engaged and disengaged.

I’ve written letters to friends and people so they should know that they are thought of.

What do I identify with???

I get to choose.

Until I wrote this I didn’t realise just how much is so amazing. I’ve also refused to pass opinions with some unhealthy family relationship dynamics. I used to try and speak to the people involved. Help them see what they can do differently. Used to sounds like the past. I mean just a month or two ago. But for the most part I’ve stopped. I’m trying really hard not to suggest anything. Anything at all. Yes, my advice has helped them. But it’s not my place nor my responsibility. And when any of the people speak to me – which for some is, now that I’m thinking about it, completely inappropriate (they should never ask my advice for some of these situations, asking me is crossing boundaries and inappropriate) I try to just listen. Even when they ask for my thoughts and advice. Just to not pass any. It’s not my place and the dynamics are unhealthy enough. I can’t change them. My advice wouldn’t change the dynamics. What I’ve learned most from this during the past few months of extended family time is that everyone is right. And there are shades of grey. I used to think there was a good person and a bad person. I’m seeing it’s a dance of good behaviours and bad behaviours. And they are all a mixture of healthy and unhealthy. The people I thought unhealthy are surprisingly healthy, just dealing with their pain in the best way they can. The one I thought healthiest is actually not. Hurts to see that about someone I idealise.

So there’s all the good going on. Way more than I realise or give myself credit for. Yes there’s the negative too. I’m not taking care of myself in some ways that I’m way too embarrassed to even write down. I’m not eating enough (which is an act of self care too). I’ve thought way too much about burning myself.

Life is always a mixture.

Last week I was wondering whether I wanted therapy. Because I was offered it. I know now that I don’t. Therapy, at least in the typical way, will make my life worse. A large part of why I’ve been thinking about burning was speaking to this woman. There’s something I really believe in. Embracing what the universe sends to me. The universe sent me an assessment (still continuing) to a referral I requested 1.5 years ago. This woman seems to think I should go for what I asked. Which will probably be a years wait. If she requests it, she does. She’ll probably decide next week. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. Will I want it? I don’t know. That is something I can see and decide then.

There really and truly is so much good in my world.

What am I choosing to identify with?

I can identify with the freaking out. Or with the 1.5 hour drive that I discovered some cool roads on that I drove until I was okay. I can identify with the thoughts of ‘I may as well just burn coz it’s so easy and I want to.’ I can identify with the choice not to. I can identify with purging and not eating. Or I can identify with choosing to try eat enough not to get dizzy.

I can identify with the boundaries I don’t keep and the guilt I feel whenever I keep a boundary. Or I can identify with the knowledge and ability to keep boundaries. With the awareness I’m allowed to. With the knowledge that people who guilt trip me are wrong, and the pride and the achievement of keeping and doing what is best for me no matter how hard it is for me.

I can identify with all I don’t know. I don’t know what I want for my life or how to get there. I don’t understand or recognise feelings or emotions with myself. I can identify with what I do know. I know my field of interest. I recognise some body sensations. I can identify with how often I disconnect from myself. Constantly :). I can identify with being present in a world, something I’m always grateful for because I love it.

I can identify with what I don’t know what I think or want regard

I can identify with how hard it is to do things I care about and want to do but just don’t do them because I don’t know why but it just doesn’t happen and I really wish it would (see, no I hate that I’m not. No I’m guilty. No I’m stupid or bad. Just, I really wish I’d be doing what means a lot to me). Or I can identify with what I AM keeping to. What I AM doing and succeeding in doing.

I can identify with the good or the bad. With the present or the lack. With the positive choices or the negative. With the pride or the guilt.

What do I identify myself with?

I get to choose. I choose the good things.

What do you identify with?

This was not what I expected. I didn’t expect to ramble so much. If you read through this all, thank you…

Love, light, and glitter

I’m grateful to R’ R for the comment he said at least 5 years ago which I’m site he doesn’t recall, which has really impacted my life (effect vs affect = impact).

58720 – Do I want therapy?

So, I spoke this woman. She seemed nice. For a referral from a year or so ago. I don’t know if I want therapy. I don’t know what I want. I know that I should be open to the messages the universe sends to me. It, and the next couple appointments are just assessing to see whether this service can offer me what I want. If they can’t it’ll be another waiting list, which I don’t know if I can be bothered for.

What do I want?

My pretty immediate goals – not specifically for therapy, but for myself in life – are: to know what I feel when I feel it and have the ability to handle it – the mind/body connection. I’m present in the world. I never used to be. It’s something I’m so grateful for. To be present. I’m constantly grateful that I’m no longer doubting my own existence or wondering if I’m living in a dream. I doubt myself. I doubt my thoughts. I doubt what I say. Because I don’t feel it, it’s fleeting. It can change. If I start shaking I can just stop. If I’m freaking out I can cut off. Or, I do. I cut off and tune out and it’s never a choice. But it’s not tuning out of the world. It’s tuning out from myself. So that’s one thing I want from therapy. The mind/body connection.

I doubt my boundaries. I think I have boundaries but I doubt it constantly. I wish there were some way of just knowing. And I want to be able to keep my own boundaries with someone specific in my life. I find it really hard to let go of responsibility that isn’t mine. I’m doing it. I’m letting go. It takes a lot of processing until I get to that place of knowing that ‘This is not my responsibility. This is not mine to carry. It hurts to see. It hurts to do nothing. There is nothing I can do but be there.’ Which I am. I’m there. It’s easier to be there for others than yourself.

I’d love to know what I want from life and where I’m heading. I feel like I should at this age know what I want, and should know where I’m heading, like I should have some even if very vague plan. I don’t follow through. Don’t have stickivitus. Motivation is doing something even if you don’t want to. I just need to do anyways. Very easy to say, much harder to actually do. Hey, I’m doing that with running, even when it’s really tough. Which means I should get up.

Something to think about for next week is whether I want therapy, and if I do what kinda therapy I want.

24985 – rambling update. (Could be triggering.)

The world is a good place.

I feel guilty. A friend needed help I couldn’t give. So I didn’t give it to her. I could have gone beyond myself. I didn’t. She called an acquaintance of hers who stepped in and arranged do much for her. I couldn’t have done what this acquaintance did. I couldn’t have done at least a part. And I didn’t do anything. I knew what was going on and I didn’t help. I feel guilty. Mostly I wasn’t wrong. Yet in some way I was wrong. I should have done something and did nothing.

I feel guilty.

My hoodie doesn’t fit me. The one I love that I had to buy for the make. Not the kind of brand name most people would think of. A sports brand that I think is cheaper end (not writing the name because all who know me know how obsessed I am with this particular brand that is now defunct). I just always loved the style. The ‘brave new world’ on the inside. I dunno. I just like it. So I have one that was too small coz I gained weight. I finally found another – also coz I’d only buy it on sale for I’m not paying 50 quid for a hoodie! I bought it. Haven’t really worn it. Now I’ve gained weight and it’s way too tight…. and the brand is defunct so unless I buy on Amazon a still bigger size for what I consider a fortune I won’t have one. Which means I need to lose weight if I want it to fit me. And my bras. And half my clothes. I wasn’t caring. But argh. I dunno. The only way I know to lose weight is to stop eating… not going to at the moment. But. But. But. It’s a thought. And I’ve been doing stuff occasionally for the past few weeks which I haven’t let become an ED. Haven’t engaged with the mindset. I thought it wasn’t here. At the moment way too close for comfort. I don’t know how to step back. And, I’m not sure if I want to.

Been writing gratitudes on the way to 26000. Up to 400 or so now. Aiming for 50 or more a day. Then for 2 years time maybe I’ll get to 27000. Seems daunting. But if I look just at one more (which it takes lots of thinking for, each one has to be different!) then it’s not that daunting and is more doable.

My room is pretty tidy! It’s nice to have a clear room…. and I’ve even swept it a couple times… trying to take care of myself, too.

I’m not going to work for the moment, maybe I will from home, not sure at the moment.

I have been there for above friend in other ways. To listen to her. Just didn’t step in when she really needed help and there was no one to do anything. ‘Just’.

Trying to study. I was thinking about life. Where I want to be. To ever get a job and earn enough money to rent an apartment I need at least some qualifications. I’m paying school off for a course I’m taking – they laid out the money for me. I may as well do the assignments. I would love to get a BA and then an MA in educational psychology. The only way I’ll ever get a BA is if I actually finish the course I’m signed up for. Do the next part which will take another half a year. Looking at a year plus of study. If I actually do it. I’m trying to. Something I’ve been hearing and repeating a lot is that motivation isn’t ways there. It’s just doing it anyways.

So long as there’s life, there’s hope.

E

What is the connection between krav maga and fighting the monsters/demons in my head?

I wrote this a while ago. The 18th of November to be precise. Okay, a long while ago…. Probably after one krav maga class. Not like I know much about it after 3. I thought I had copied it from my journal, but it seems like I haven’t. I’m sure that there is more to add to it, but I’m just going to post it and if I ever want to I can always change it… if you have anything to add please let me know!!

I wrote this when I had begun copying out a letter to myself – https://elizareasonstolive.com/letter-to-myself-15th-november-19/ – and found it interesting to see how the rules of krav maga apply to real life.

The first rule of krav maga is not to fight unless you have to.

Don’t engage. Don’t fight. Run away. Get away from the battlefield as fast as possible.

Taking preventative measures comes first. Be aware and avoid violence. You can prevent yourself from getting into a danger zone by keeping your eyes and ears open. If you see a problem around you, stay away. – Core principles krav maga

Don’t engage with the thoughts or desires. Don’t fight them. Run away. Get away from the battlefield as fast as possible. Don’t fight when you don’t need to. Whenever and wherever possible stay away from fighting.

Rule two of krav maga – distract

If you are facing the opponent and can’t get away without engaging at all, distract your opponent and use those seconds that you’ll have whilst the enemy is distracted to run away.

If you’re already engaged with the demons in your head, distract yourself. Don’t engage, and run away. Don’t entertain the thoughts or wonder if they’re real. Don’t rationalise it or think it through logically – I promise you can come up with 100 logical proofs why the demons in your head are correct. I know I always can! Maybe not a hundred. Distract with whatever works best for you. Call someone. Listen to music. Watch a movie. Scrapbook. Journal. Exercise.

Prevent yourself from getting in danger by keeping your eyes and ears open. You know your danger zones. You know when the monster in your head likes to take control. Prevent yourself from getting in contact by avoiding triggers. Keep your eyes and ears open. Stay aware at all times and don’t put yourself in situations that could be unsafe.

If you have to fight, knock your enemy down as fast as possible by hitting their weak spots. As soon as they’re down, run. If you have to engage with your demons, hit their weak spots, then run away. Don’t engage with them.

Don’t stay to kill or disarm the enemy. Just run. The enemy is stronger and the goal is safety. Don’t stay to destroy the demons. The demons may be stronger than you. Run to safety whilst you can.

Always face your enemy, know who they are, and be aware of any attacks they can carry out on you. Know what the monster in your head looks like. Be aware of the tricks it may play to engage with you and destroy you.

Keep both feet on the ground whenever possible so that you’re less likely to be unbalanced. When you’re walking or moving side step so that you have both feet on the ground at almost all times. When you have one foot in the air you don’t have the same balance. If someone pushes you when you’ve a foot in the air you’ll go flying. If someone pushes you when you’ve both feet on the ground you’ve a greater chance of remaining standing. Your chances of getting up from the ground and running are less than your chances of being able to run when you’re standing at all times. Keep yourself balanced as much as you can. Try not to put yourself in a position where someone or something can unbalance you easily.

Side note. Sometimes you can kill the enemy. You can use moves that will disable them or destroy them completely. You can destroy the demons. I was discussing this with someone, saying how I envisioned not opening the door, he wanted to know why I didn’t go one further, and envision destroying it. I couldn’t then. Sometimes one can.


Even if no one reads through this, it helped me to write it, and the principles of it, of not engaging if you don’t need to, only engaging how much you have to in order to get away, have definitely helped me in my life. Which I’m grateful for.


HAVE FUN!! That’s the most important principle of all.

Love, light, and glitter

How can I understand relationships (friendships)?

I hope this makes some sort of sense for I am and have been falling asleep as I write this.

He lied to me. And that hurts more than anything else he could’ve said. He didn’t really lie to me. He just didn’t give me an honest answer.

Relationships. All my online relationships don’t last. There’s a reason I rarely go beyond public. That’s because they don’t last. Because they just disappear. And I care so much about everyone and am just left hurt, wondering what went wrong. Why all the people I care so much about just don’t care about me anymore. I’m left reaching out to people – just saying hi – and not getting anything back. I’m left with me doing all the reaching out, until it gets to the point where I see that they’re uninterested, when I reach out enough times and it’s always me reaching out, then eventually I do it less, and less, and it just disappears. And I wonder what went wrong. And I know it’s about me. Because it happens with everyone. And I can think of a couple of things. Like that I never get too close. So maybe they get that close and then they’re uninterested.

So, I’ve been thinking about it and a while ago I decided to ask someone I trust. Someone I care about a lot who I had a good relationship with. A relationship that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. A relationship that at this point is mostly me reaching out. So I decided to ask him because I trust him, and maybe if he explains to me why this he thinks relationship doesn’t exist anymore, I can understand why none of my relationships exist anymore.

There’s another reason I know it’s me. And that’s because all the people I care about, I see their interactions and connection with each other. And it hurts. To see their connection and know that I can’t have it – that they have it and that it doesn’t exist for me. Especially with the people who connected because of me (I’m sure they’d have all connected without me too).

I haven’t stopped crying for an hour, I’ve been crying since some of his response to me, and, it’s good, it’s good that I’m crying, it’s good coz’ I don’t let myself cry ever, and, I care so much about everyone. And I miss everyone. I’m thinking of someone random. Who we used to be so close. I don’t know what went wrong. I feel like everyone moves on.

So why’m I upset with what he said? I’m upset because he told me that the relationship is still there, that there’s disconnect that doesn’t have to be from me, but could be from both, that the disconnect could be about protection. The main thing I’m upset about is that he said it’s still there.

Oh really? That’s why he doesn’t know that a few months back I was messing up really badly with food. That’s why he doesn’t know that I’ve been burning myself for the past month and made myself sick when I OD’d. I actually messaged him that night coz’ I hoped he’d have advice. Which is why we were messaging now. I didn’t tell him then that I OD’d and haven’t told him for it’s no longer relevant. Not like I did anything major or much, just took more than I’d planned on, and kept taking, so…..

He basically told me he knows there’s been a disconnection and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t value me. I asked him why he thinks there’s been a disconnection and he said it could be self preservation on both ends. And, it’s just pat answers. It’s not real. And I know he thinks it’s real. I know he thinks he really answered me. And he didn’t. I know that because both of us have people we connect to. And because I trust him. I trust him more than I trust most people. Because I know he’s trusted me that way. I guess that’s why it hurts so much that he didn’t really answer me. To say that he lied is way too strong for he didn’t lie. He just didn’t give me a fully honest answer.

And, I’m sad. I’m sad about everyone. I’m sad about L. A couple of years ago I was close to L. I don’t even know what our relationship was. Close enough that she started my site – elizareasonstolive.com – for me. That she set it up and did formatting and extra bits for me. It was a two way relationship. That just doesn’t exist anymore. I miss M. M who remembers all the people he joined a forum with. When he listed the people he joined the same time as he listed the group of people I joined with, just not me. He remembered them all and not me. Not that he doesn’t know me. He does. He just doesn’t recollect the fun we had together. I miss S. We used to be really close. These people are all close with each other. Not all. They’ve all moved on. They’ve moved on from me. And they’re friends with each other. Their relationships grew stronger and stronger. These are people on a forum. I miss A. I miss S. I miss F. I miss Z. The people I used to speak on the phone to every week. I still see M. M who lives in the same town as me. We built a real relationship. The others. They’ve all moved on. Some of them still speak to each other.

I can go on and on. The people I’ve met online in various places. The people I connected to. Who connected to me. Who we were building relationships. That all fizzled out. That disappeared. And I’m left holding the strings. Occasionally I reach out till to some of them. And for the most part I get puzzled responses. I actually asked C a few months ago what happened, for I was trying to understand it. She said that she thinks that relationships need work on both sides and that when they’re new they’re exciting and you’re ready to put in the work, and with us she thinks we often didn’t understand each other. Not exactly so. My relationship with her was me turning to her. And she pretty much just stopped replying. She replied less and less. And less and less. Until it took a lot for me to message her. And she still mostly didn’t respond. So it disappeared.

I would believe it could be the other person. If it happened with less people. If it

wasn’t with so many people. Like R. R was in real life. And I know that R wasn’t my fault. I know it for she left. She just disappeared and didn’t respond to my messages. But even with R I blame myself. Because I’m pretty sure she didn’t do that to every person in her life. I’m sure it was only to me. Y too. He just disappeared. I don’t know what happened. One day he was there and then he just wasn’t. Everyone – not everyone, almost everyone – just isn’t. And, when it’s people who I was turning to, I miss them, and it’s okay, I move on. When it’s people who I had a real relationship with, I miss them a whole lot more. I care about them. I worry about them. I think about them. And I wonder what happened to our relationship. I wonder what I could have done differently to prevent that disconnect. I want to know what I could have done differently because I don’t want it to keep on happening. It’s why for the most part on wordpress and SF – the 2 online platforms I use – I rarely private message or go beyond the public spaces. There’s of course the reason that I can’t really turn to people. I don’t trust people enough to be able to speak to them, themselves, and be able to turn to them, or share with them. If it’s in public, I can share in public for it’s not sharing in the same way, I’m not turning to them. And because I don’t have the energy any longer. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve built so many relationships. And they all just don’t exist. I care so much for everyone. I know M, Y, S, C and TC from 5 different places. I know them all in different ways. And I miss them all. I miss them so much that it hurts. I miss be

ing able to speak to those of them that I spoke on the phone to. I miss the banter we shared by email or forum. I miss the connection. (And I’ve stopped crying now. I feel like it’s been nearly an hour and a half) And it hurts. It hurts so much. I few months ago I tried to ask C about it – lol, for this is a different C and I’m not sure I’ll ever recall who the initials reference. And, I didn’t really get an answer. For her answer made it seem like it was me who wasn’t interested and it wasn’t me, it was her who’d stepped back. I just wanted to know why. If I did anything to cause that. And now, I’ve been thinking about it for the last few months, and thought of asking this guy, and finally I asked him. He blamed us both. There is no blame to be assigned. And I know it is my responsibility. My responsibility to do what? To fan the flames of a dying fire? That he supposedly cares about?

I don’t know anymore. I told someone online recently that I wished I’d see more of them. They messaged me privately to ask why I didn’t then ask for their info. I replied that I’m tried of building relationships to wreck them. I am tired. I am tired of caring so much about everyone I’ve connected with. I’m falling asleep as I’m writing this. I don’t think I’ll fall asleep but I’ll finish anyways.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. Relationships. What about them? I don’t understand them. I have friends. I have friendships that just happened. I have good, close friends. If not for that I’d say I did’t know how to have relationships. I know I do. I just also know that most, of not all, my relationships that begin online disappear. At the same time as the relationships between these others online just grow and become more real. Not for me, though. Not for me. And I still don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Or what to do differently. So that my relationships last. And I’m not left caring about someone so much, who just doesn’t seem to care for me. Or reaching out, worrying, wondering how they are, when they’ve moved on from me, and onto other people.

I’m glad when they do that. Know that. I’m glad they’re okay and have others as part of their lives. I’m just sad that they’ve moved on without, from me. And I miss them and care about them all the time.

Love, light and glitter

Navigating relationships in my world

Navigating relationships. Well, I’ve titled the thread before writing anything at all. I know what I want to write about. I wonder if there’s a point writing about it. If it will help me. Or anyone. Or if it will make any difference. If it can.

Yesterday I went out with someone. I’d been on edge and had decided to just hold on. She called me to go out, she’d asked me earlier and I assumed she needed to speak. AG is one person I’d go out of my way for. I’ve written about it elsewhere on my blog. She asked me to go for a walk. I was on edge. I told her I could give her a half hour. She spent 40 minutes trying to get the courage to tell me that she didn’t think it was healthy for me to work through what I believe. It threw me a lot. That’s not the point. I know that it’s healthy and I’m sad for her that she thinks it’s unhealthy. I thanked her for being brave and courageous enough to share what she was thinking. The point I’m coming to is that as I was journaling today I said that I feel like she’s ruined the relationship we had. I honestly do feel as though she has ruined the relationship. Which, also seems extreme to me.

It’s reminding me of RR. Those who have been following this blog may remember RR. He used to be there for me. Then I was brave enough to ask him why he went behind me back and had lied to me. He explained it to me. I forgive him and understand why he did what he did. I don’t think it was the only option he had, I understand why he thought it was. I haven’t been in touch with him since. I haven’t been in touch with him for I don’t know how to reach out. And primarily because he wasn’t there for me. Because he let me down enough times that in my mind he wasn’t a part of my life anymore. It’s why I didn’t mind asking him about his betrayal of my trust, for I knew he couldn’t ruin what didn’t exist. For there was no relationship. Which also makes very little sense. For we had a relationship. We probably still have a relationship – one that has just taken a hiatus. He did let me down. He told me he’d do stuff that he didn’t do. He didn’t respond and wasn’t there. Which means he isn’t there, wasn’t there. Which is again, extreme and black and white. For he always was there. For all the times he didn’t respond there are the times he reached out to me. Yet he wasn’t there. And I don’t know what is my issue and what is real.

I’m thinking of all the relationships, primarily online, actually, no, in real life too, in which people were a part of my life, and then they weren’t there any longer. Some of these people, I know that they left. A lot of them, most, I always knew they left. Now I wonder. They weren’t there. So the relationship didn’t exist in my mind and it meant I never reached out (if they’d reached out it’d still be there). I’m tired of thinking.

The reason RR has been so much on my mind recently is that I want guidance regarding a couple of things and he is the perfect person to ask. He is the only person I know who knows me, who has taken on the role in life of guiding others with such, who knows my life, my family and where I’m coming from. So I’ve been thinking of him. Every post I write working through what I believe I wish I could share with him. He’d be so proud. I can’t share it with him. Not because of him. Because of me. Because I can’t reach out. It’s not actually that I won’t, I plan on discussing it with my friend (I’m referencing a friend 15 years my senior here) and getting her advice on this specific situation. It’s not the specifics I’m thinking of. Well I am too.

I’m realising the way I’m reacting. Knowing that I’ve never seen it before. Having no idea what is my issue and what isn’t. Having no idea when it’s another person at ‘fault’ or me, because ultimately I can’t trust myself when it comes to relationships. The funny thing, or contradictory thing, is that at the very same time as all this is true. I’ve lost so many relationships and miss everyone and feel so lonely and feel like everyone has left me whilst I care about them they just don’t care. The other side is that at the same time as that’s happening, I’ve been building some really solid, healthy, balanced relationships with a couple of people. I’ve been rebuilding a relationship with someone that was wrecked – something I never thought I’d ever be able to do, repair bridges and make something so healthy out of something broken. I’m building healthy relationships with my family, and appreciating them. I’ve been learning what boundaries are and learning to keep my own boundaries and express to others in my life who constantly cross them that they’re crossing them (not that it helps, but I’m doing my part).

I’m doing both. Which is kinda weird. I’m seeing, learning, that I’ve had a part in getting rid of so many relationships I care so much about. I was going to say ruined, but a lot of the relationships aren’t ruined, there was no wreckage involved, they’re just non-existent. I’m seeing that a lot of them is probably down to me. I’m seeing that it’s all or none for me. I’m sad to see that. I’m sad because of how much I miss all these people. And I’m building healthy, balanced, solid relationships with people. Seems strange to be able to do both things at the same time.

I started off writing this post really sad. Sad to see this. Sad especially because I don’t know what to do now about a couple of relationships. Now, I’m no longer sure what I feel. I don’t know what to do with the knowledge either. Especially as I really don’t know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. I’m thinking of a couple of people I was always hurt by that I wasn’t a part of them. I eventually learned that it was because I wasn’t present, and as I became present (in the world) and as I learned to join them, I became more a part. I always still sensed a distance but blamed myself, until another random observer told me that she saw the distance and objectively it’s not from me, but from them being a unit to my exclusion (I still join them). I never know what’s down to me and what’s down to others. It’s all a tangle. Of wires and confusion. That I’m not actually going to be trying to unravel at the moment. I’m going to try deal with the present (like figuring out whether to reach out to RR and how to go about it). Anything else is relegated to the back burner. For asides for when I journal, which helps me figure it out, I’m not going to think about it. Still sad.

Love, light and glitter

Boundaries 2

Emotional boundaries. I’m using the word boundaries even though I’ve no clue if it’s correct. I wrote about it another day. I think it is called boundaries. Last night I was on the phone to a friend who wasn’t doing well. I was freaking out afterwards. I ended up journaling for half an hour and then going to sleep. This morning I journaled it through some more, and wrote her a letter (a letter for myself I mean, not to give to her). I’m really unsure what to do. If every time I speak to her it sends me spinning. I love this person. I’m so grateful that I have her in my life – she’s the person who came over and threw away the cocodamol I was going to use and borrowed the 1k+ I have for a few days (here). Seeing her though, or really speaking to her, recently has sent me spiraling. I’m not even sure why. I know that there’s something there, as in, I was scared of wrecking the relationship when I wasn’t in an okay place, for I know that there’s an imbalance. Which is why I was extremely wary and careful at that time. The relationship is a healthy relationship. There’s some lack of boundaries though. Not in general. When either of us isn’t in an okay place. I think. I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s a point analysing it – which is what I was trying to do here. I don’t honestly care what it is. I care that speaking to my friend pulls me down. I don’t know what to do about it…. I’m grateful that I was able to journal it through. I’m grateful that I could write how it triggered me. How it hurt me so much for her. How it makes me so sad for her.

Some of what I was writing was good. For me to see. The main point I’m referring to is that I wish she could see something why yes, rather than why not. Which made me aware of how much my world isn’t anymore about ‘why not’. Yes, there’s the times that the only reason I don’t do something is because of others, that I don’t want to hurt them. But that’s not why I’m living. That’s not why I’m trying not to mess up. I’m living and for the most part living without messing up because I want to live, I want to see what life can be about, I want the choice, I want to create a life for myself. I’m looking forward to seeing what will unfold. I’ve no clue where my life is heading, and that’s in a sense freeing. So it was good to write it down. To see how much I think this way at the moment. Which, is new. It never used to be this way.

Really the point I was thinking about is the relationship I have with my friend. Which is a healthy relationship – I think. Yet which somehow I’m being triggered majorly by and don’t know what to do about it. I just don’t know…

Boundaries

I wish I could create boundaries in my world. I mean emotional boundaries/barriers. I’ve a friend who is sad at the moment. I don’t have any words other than ‘sad’. One day I’m hoping I will. So she is sad. She is okay. She is sad. She has support and I know she’ll be okay. Yet I’m sad. For she is sad. Which I think makes sense and is okay for it’s okay for me.

Someone else was in my life yesterday. Someone who is on attack mode whenever she is with me. I didn’t realise it until I was on the phone to SG and telling her what a conversation with this person would be like. Telling her how I couldn’t end a conversation with her. The penny dropped. How she’s on attack mode with me. I don’t actually think it’s attack but defence….. She feels like she has to keep a distance from me so it is what it is.

I was realising earlier how overwhelmed I was. I am overwhelmed. For both of these people – my friend who is sad, the person who crosses my boundaries – I’m okay with. When they’re separate. When they’re at different times. They’re tough for me to handle, for I don’t have the boundaries, yet they’re okay. They’ll pass. When they’re together, like now, then it’s a lot harder. It’s, for lack of a better word, overwhelming. I think it’s about boundaries. Not necessarily boundaries as in concrete boundaries, more as in emotional boundaries. I can’t actually keep boundaries with the second person. She always crosses my boundaries. I’ve slowly been learning that I’m allowed to say no, that I’m allowed to keep a distance – which I do.

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say. For yeah I need to learn to keep emotional boundaries. I don’t actually know actual boundaries so I guess, hmm, I’m not sure what I guess or know.