Boundaries

Could write more but tired. Some of what I wrote is in the comments.

Ps. I read all your comments and appreciate them all. I don’t reply most the time because I want to respond properly and don’t have the headspace. I’m not following most blogs. I am thinking of you all…. and would love to hear how you’re doing…

Relationships, boundaries, and responsibility 3

Saying yes, taking responsibility, gave me the right to exist. K, so I’m speculating here, but I’m trying to put my thoughts into words, and either it’s true, or it’s not. I’m going to put it down. And it could be I’ll turn around one day and say that this is nonsense.

I grew up feeling responsible for others.

I grew up feeling guilty for existing. The guilt comes from the fact that through existing, by living, I’m hurting others. That’s not just speculation or a kids thoughts. It’s still the reality today. By existing I’m hurting someone. By living I have hurt people. Not through anything I did. Just through existing. One of those people have changed a lot. I no longer hurt her through my existence. I’m not blaming myself here. I never did anything wrong. That person was threatened by my existence. I did nothing to cause that. It was her issue. She’s changed. The person I still hurt through existing has special needs, mental health difficulties etc and will not be able to change. The fact is I hurt her by living. I don’t think I feel guilty for it any longer. I used to. By now I know it’s not my problem. There are others I hurt by being me. It’s not my existence that hurts them, but that I’m me. And if I ever truly live my own life I’ll really hurt my parents.

The guilt for living has played a big role in my life. I still don’t believe I’m allowed to exist, however I don’t feel guilty for those people.

I’m wondering if giving to others, being whatever others needed me to be, justified my existence somewhat. I’m here, and I shouldn’t be here, because I’m hurting people, their lives would be better without me, if I’m making other peoples lives better, maybe it balances that out. Makes it somewhat okay that I’m living, even though I shouldn’t be. Balances out the pain I’m causing to others.

The only problem there lies that giving gives meaning to my life. I love giving to others. Not because I have to. Not because it justifies my existence. But because I love giving.

When I said that saying no goes against my nature R’R commented nature or conditioning?

I think both. Conditioning is that I’m not allowed to exist. Nature is I love to give. Whether by nature or by nurture I feel others. Whether that’s inherent or something I had to develop or both. When I was speaking to E she told me about her arm hurting. I felt the pain in my own arm. Not physically, but yes physically. I don’t know how to explain it. Her pain hurt me. I don’t really know what physical agony feels like. I know I’ve experienced physical agony – when I got burned (I’d say burned myself but that sounds like I caused it. Someone dropped a pot. Thankfully of water!!!!! It could have been the oil pot…) and my arm was debrided – do not google. I wrote a poem then about pain. I don’t recall the pain. I recall hating others doing things for me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t use my arm at all…

I feel others pain. I want to take their pain and take it away from them. I feel others pain too much. It’s funny how I so feel others pain yet cannot feel anything about or for myself. Though then again my life was a pretty calm, good life.

Anyways, the point I was making is that I love to give. And that giving gives meaning to my life. And that I wonder if giving was a way for me to justify my existence.

This is also why I think I don’t ADHD. Because I go back to what I started off with. A past friend once said to me that she loved how though I’d jump from A, to B, to C, I’d always go back to A, to B, to C.

Relationships, boundaries, responsibility

I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I’m in that space where I haven’t been posting on instagram either. There’s so much to say. And. I don’t know. Too much. It’s after midnight. I should be going to sleep. And I hate posting on these days because Friday is a kindness post and Sunday is a sunshine post. I want to keep it that way.

I want to wrote properly but will share a couple Instagram posts about responsibility. That’s really what I wanted to write about anyways. I was hoping that if I start writing about it here I’d be able to formulate my thoughts, my words, a lil bit more.

I’m sharing the posts in chronological order. I hope to be able to write more sometime as it’s through putting it down that I’ve begun to understand it. Maybe I’ll write another post (Haha for I’ll share them again for making it make sense to me).

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This morning I was journaling about responsibility. I made the second picture to make it clear that of course I have responsibilities. Although this is relevant to NY entire life I was referencing a specific childhood friend. I grew up responsible for F (friend). My life was giving to her what she needed, doing what she wanted, regardless of the detriment to me. Recently, as in the past month, I've let go of responsibility to sis. That brought up really clearly the responsibility I take for F. F calls and asks me for my help, and I'm unable to say no. I do what she asks. Because it's easy for me to do and why not. I resent it too because I don't have a choice. When I'm unable to she tells me not to worry. Um, hello. I don't need her to tell me not to worry. It's not my responsibility… Yesterday she called me and asked me to do something. I said no. I just said I'm sorry but I can't do it. There's a lot of guilt. It's a 5 minute job on the internet that is easy for me to do. She doesn't have internet access and with lockdown can't just go elsewhere to do it. Yet it's not kay responsibility. It. Is. Not. My. Responsibility. F is not my responsibility. I grew up being responsible for F. It was easier for the adults to allow me to take responsibility – even though it negatively impacted my life – because they either ignored it, or because I was taking the responsibility off them. Letting go of responsibility towards sis made me aware that I don't need to say yes to F. She expects it. I expect it. I resent it. And. It's not my responsibility. Is it really the right thing for me to say no? Not to give when I so easily can and it doesn't harm me in any which way? I'm not the 7 year old giving in to F at her expense. I'm not the 11 year old left on the sidelines because of F. I'm not the 18 year old going where I don't want to go with F. I'm not the 22 year old leaving when I want to stay with F. I'm not going to do what hurts me as it is. Or impacts me. I've learnt not to. This is easy stuff in my spare time. And I said no. I said no. Because I can say no. Because I just don't want to say yes. Is it the right thing? I don't know… … cont

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Dear E I'm proud of you E. I'm proud of you for saying no to F – yes, I'm proud. I'm proud even though you could so easily have helped her. I'm proud even though the no was purely for the sake of saying no. You're allowed to say no just because. You're allowed to say no to something you don't want to do. However easy it may be. I'm proud of you for putting yourself first. I'm proud of you for saying no to M yesterday. Even though she was disappointed. You put yourself first. You aren't creating an unhealthy dynamic. If you say yes when you don't want to you're creating an unhealthy relationship. You're allowed to say no. Your needs, even your wants, always come first. Your want comes before some else's need. Of course sometimes you can put their need first. But only if it's a choice. Only if you're choosing it. If you're putting their need first because you feel that you have to, you're ruining the relationship. That's why saying no to F was, is, important. Because you never feel like you have a choice. If you felt like you had a choice you wouldn't resent helping her. If it was a choice you would be happy to help. You've not been happy to help for you knew you had to. And E, you don't have to. You never have to do anything for anyone. You always come first. Once you've put yourself first, you can give to others. Once you can say no, you can say yes. And you can say yes to things that are hard for you to do, or that you'd rather not do. Because when it's a choice you can put someone else's needs before your wants, and be happy about it. I love you E. And I'm proud of you. I'm with you always. I'll always be with you. I'll always stay with you. Nothing you ever do can ever take me away from you. Love you E. Always and forever. E. #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #journalingismytherapy #responsibility #responsibilities #lettinggo #selfcare #selflove #selfhealers #selfhealer #selfhealing #innerchildhealing #innerchild #innerchildwork #soberliving #sobriety #addiction #addictionrecovery #recovery #adultchildrenofalcoholics #narcoticsanonymous #acoa #acarecovery #overdoserecovery #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewishblogger

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And this is something I often feel.

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I never just wanted to be a part of the groups there were. I'd feel left out. Know I wasn't worth it. That there was something wrong with me that those people seemingly struggling with the same as me, who I was there for, could be there for each other, but not for me. The past few months have shown me something. On my blog I've met some new people. People I didn't know before. People who I did know but never identified with. People who took the time to respond to what I wrote. People who were there… I've learnt who my people are, and it's not whom I would have expected at all. Some of these people were those who I've never read anything of theirs before. And plenty of people I'd been there for weren't there. Just weren't. Creating your own community. I've always been a misfit. I've always been an anomaly. My friends in life are very different to each other. Although they're friends with each other. This tells you who I am! If you're a friend of mine you feel close to all my friends and likely become real friends with them too. It's just how I work…. my friends become friends. So. My people. It's weird to say that because I really don't turn to others. The people I like and appreciate, I hope they know I do. I'm learning to. And are here I am a bit. Beginning to. Definitely more than I ever did. What I was saying was that people. For people in my life I can give a prototype but honestly there is none. Genuineness is the one thing that draws me to everyone. And once I count you as a friend, I'll be your friend forever and ever amen unless you do a lot to ruin it, and even then I'll really care about you. Who are your people? Who are you grateful for? #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthrecovery #relationships #buildingrelationships #navigatingrelationships #understandingrelationships #innerchildhealing #innerchild #innerwisdom #innerconsciousness #selfhealing #ptsd #cptsdwarrior #cptsdrecovery #attachmenttrauma #bpdwarrior #anxietywarrior #socialanxiety #eatingdisorderwarrior #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #trustyourself #innerwisdom #selfcare #selflove #mindfulness #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth

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In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).


I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

💕 Be living without self destruction 
💕 Be present always
💕Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts
💕 Have a support system
💕 Have more friends
💕 Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with.
💕 Live in a world of colour
💕 Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling
💕 Be journalling still!
💕 Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself).
💕 Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for
💕 Be present in my body
💕 Experience emotions - at least more than I do now.
💕 Still be in touch with R, M, M
💕 Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes!
💕 Live without the need to harm
💕 Get to at least 100 reasons
💕 Have set up Letters of Hope
💕 Have moved out
💕 Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started.
💕 Be living without ED behaviours. 
💕 Keep accepting myself
💕 Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with.
💕 Be fully taking responsibility for my life.
💕 Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine.
💕 Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.

Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals

I saw my GP today. Last week wrote up with him a referral for the CMHT.

I asked him for a copy of the letter the therapist from primary care services sent to him. I called up primary care services for a copy and they told me my GP can give me a copy. Her letter was good. She was really clear about how to go further. She suggested HBTT (Home based treatment team).

I asked him about the referral. He told me he hadn’t sent any off. That he would, and he’d send it to both the CMHT (community mental health team) and HBTT along with her letter.

Reading her letter now I’m annoyed. It’s dated the 6th of July and she writes that she hopes that by the time she’s writing this letter he’s made an appointment with me and put a referral through to either CMHT or HBTT. And that if I ever want the primary goal to be to stop using – at this moment it is. I want to stop using. I’m not sure how long that will last, that I’m really ready and want to stop destroying my life – the DBT team will assess and would want either of the other services involved.

Why do I have to google it all and ask him to do the referrals? And I don’t know if anything will come of them. Her last couple paragraphs were really clear recommendations on where exactly to go from here. Her letter was, is, really good. Just nothing has been done with it until now…

I’m not sure if I should just scrap it and go privately. My problem with going privately is that I kinda want someone to be there all the time. I know I’m not going to cope when I stop taking cocodamol. And I want to stop. I’m finding it hard enough to eat as it is – this is even though I’ve been trying to eat more coz of using.

I wrote a list of what I need, what I want, and what needs to change in order to just be okay living life on life’s terms. Well, I didn’t write a list. I dialogue journalled. I’ll put it into a list as another post.

I’m tired…..

Edit. He said my blood results were all okay except fat something which is normal when haven’t been eating enough, and muscles. I think I may have a muscle issue as it is but I can’t know if they’re lower than they would be, so some day can check them again.

As I walked out I said to him that I can’t stop using until he’s done this because I can’t stop without having any support in place. (It’s just not possible).


Had a staff meeting today. Was freaking out for most of it. Not sure how it will be to be back at work next week. It could be really good for me. Or it could be a spectacular fail. I’m keeping an open mind to what’s possible.

I was trying to and want to make a plan. I don’t know if there’s any point trying to plan how to go forward, what I need or don’t need, if I don’t know whether anything will come of these referrals.

Is this what staying with reality looks like?

A repost of my last post about sitting with the pain. That I woke myself up now coz can't stay with it, can't let myself think about it, but I haven't done anything and maybe that's what it means.

This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I’m thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you’ve read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve woken myself up, but I haven’t done anything. What I missed out is that maybe this is what being with it looks like. Shaking in bed. Putting on music. Not letting myself think at all because I can’t think about it. Maybe this is what staying with reality is about. I wonder. I wonder if that’s what the real world looks like. The not knowing. The just letting the not knowing be. And nor knowing a lil bit more.

It’s okay

It’s okay
It’s okay to be tired
It’s okay
It’s okay to be wired

It’s okay for it to hurt
It’s okay to want to give up
It’s okay to disassociate
It’s okay for it to be too much

It’s okay
It’s okay to be you
It’s okay to be real
It’s okay to do

It’s okay

It’s okay if others
Can’t understand
It’s okay if you never do
All that you have planned

It’s okay if all you do
Is get up today
It’s okay if every moment feels
As though you’re going astray

It’s okay

Your reality is yours
No one else can change it
It’s okay – all of it
Embrace it, live with it

The only way to move past anything
Is to move into it
Accept it and yourself then maybe
You can move past it

It’s okay

Whatever your reality is or isn’t
Know for today
That it, and you, always are
Always will be, okay.


I’m reposting it because people seemed to like it and now it’ll be on my blog. I found it a lil strange how many people told me they appreciated it, because I was talking to myself. I was writing to myself. When I shared it I didn’t expect all the feedback and appreciation. I didn’t expect so many of you to tell me you appreciated the reminder of found it helpful. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating it. Thank you for telling me so…

Love, light, and glitter

How do you perceive the world?

I just wrote this. Not sure what I’m trying to say with it ..

Sometimes I feel like everyone sees things so differently to me.

I just saw a post on Instagram about fat phobia and my only thought was, but why would someone think or feel that way? Like obviously everyone likes everyone and doesn’t judge and is accepting of everyone. 

Sometimes I think I live in a world of rainbows and unicorns. I see the world that way. And no one else seems to. And it’s weird in a way. And jarring.

And of course I see the world…. I’m destroying myself at the moment (pretty literally). My siblings make sure to educate me constantly. My friends have all been through, are going through, so much.

Yet I still think of the world and people as all good and awesome and everyone else seems to think differently. It’s just, I don’t even have the words to put it down what it feels like. Like I perceive something and it seems like almost everyone perceives it differently. And no, I don’t want to change.

Can I put myself first?

I’ve written about this before, I think.

A friend who is struggling wants a lift today. It would take 2 – 3 hours of my time. I have the time. This morning was tough and I didn’t have the headspace. I knew I didn’t have the headspace. As a side note I just curled up in bed, and was wondering the line between letting yourself be and wallowing. I’d freaked out on the phone, and wanted to just stay in bed. I knew I could get up if I wanted and do stuff but chose to stay in bed.

I didn’t have the headspace for her when I was in that headspace myself. I know I don’t really have the headspace just now either. Last night when I was with her it was okay, I was just completely drained. I told her that I don’t have the headspace. If I can later I will. I didn’t have the headspace so I said no.

I guess anyone who has followed this blog will know just how major it is for me to put myself first. To say no. Although I’m questioning if I’m really right to put myself first, I’ve put myself first and don’t feel guilty for it. I don’t feel responsible to help her do what she needs to. If I can, I can, if I can’t, I can’t. It’s not that I can’t, for in reality I can, but I’ve put myself first. And it’s not someone for whom I have to out myself second for.

I forgot I was writing this. But I think I put it down as it is. I don’t know if I’ll take her today. I doubt it. And however much I doubt myself for choosing not to, I know I can put myself first. I know I’m allowed to, and am doing so.

Love, light, and glitter