I hate the superiority complex I have.

I learnt something about myself in the last few days that I absolutely hate. I’m trying to never say I hate myself. I abhor this trait I have. I detest what I learnt about myself. It goes against all my values and beliefs.

Something about myself is that I love everyone. That I care for everyone. Almost everyone. There are a few people who bug me. Everyone except them.

I can’t stand what I’ve learnt. I’m not elitist. I’m really not. Yet. I am.

I don’t have patience for stupid people.

There. I said it.

I was talking to someone and getting frustrated at their stupid question. Now, I always thought that this particular frustration was defense. The feeling of not being heard. When someone questions what I have said. When someone questions the obvious- what I have said. I feel like they haven’t listened to me. And because I have never been listened to I get defensive and therefore frustrated.

Um. I wish that were so.

This person was asking on what I had just said. And I got so annoyed. Die to another conversation about how intellectual different people are I realised this about myself. Because it’s often annoying for me to talk to 2 other people. They ask such stupid questions and I don’t have the patience for it.

The reason it’s so antithetical to me is I’ve a friend who is learning disabled. I work in the SEN department. I work primarily with children who struggle. Me? Elitist? I hate what I’ve seen.

Since I’m aware of it I notice it in conversations with said person faster. I’ve been explaining to said person how to query what they want to know rather than react the way they are which suggests disbelief. I’ve been catching myself getting frustrated with said person and changing caps – instead of trying to hold a normal conversation, changing gears to explain and break it down. I’m definitely getting less annoyed with said person. I’ve always known they were intellectually stupid.

I don’t see them being intellectually lacking as negative. They’re extremely perceptive and insightful and have taught me a LOT through some of their insights. I don’t necessarily agree with all they say but they’ve definitely shown me another side to some situations that I never would have thought of.

I think sometimes the way they ask is insulting and jarring. And because they don’t know what they don’t understand they are asking the same thing quite literally 5 times over (sometimes 10).

I hate that I’m not naturally okay with it. It goes against all my values and beliefs. I guess it’s good I learnt it about myself now so that I can change it. I seriously abhor and detest the knowledge. Trying to take back the automatic I hate myself for this.

So I’ve learnt I’m I don’t know the word. Is it bigoted? Elitist? I don’t know what it is. And just Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Is honesty a negative thing?

On being genuine. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not.

I can’t live with or handle anything at all incongruent. Or, I find it hard to reconcile. I had a workmate who became a close friend. Then we lost touch because she was so busy. She’d call me if she needed anything. I eventually learned that I can’t count on her as a friend. Then I learned and saw that she feels really close to me still. I find it really hard to understand that.

I say what I think. When I try to sugarcoat it I trap myself. I just say what I think. And I don’t think it’s problematic because I’m just sharing my truth. I’m sharing the reality. Not just as I see it but as it is. So if I’m talking to my family I’ll tell them the what and why – unless I think it’s detrimental, then I won’t.

I’m just honest. That doesn’t mean I never lie to protect myself. And when I have lied or do anything that goes against any of my values it’s really jarring for me. I find it really hard to reconcile it. Lotsa black and white thinking here too. All or nothing. If it’s one it’s not the other.

I’m writing this, thinking about it, because of something I can’t write about as I’ll risk hurting someone I care about. I just see how I’ve gone to an extreme. How I can’t handle what to me is incongruent. How I was honest and I don’t know whether genuinity is a good thing.

I don’t know whether being me is a good thing. I feel like how I do with being so straight is hurt myself and others. I can’t live untrue to my values and beliefs. I’m going to destroy some people by bring true to myself. I mean that in a very real way. Obviously it’s going to be too bad. But if I could live without the genuineness there wouldn’t be all that collateral damage. The knowing that one day I’m going to be destroying some people, that now I’m living a lie for my own gain and in order not to hurt them. Someonce once told me it’s not. That was before I knew the choices I have made, life I am living, choices I will make. It is a lie. For I’m letting them believe and know things that aren’t true because I can’t yet deal with the fallout. I’m not yet ready to destroy them.

I don’t know whether the honesty is a good thing. I don’t know whether being genuine is a good thing. I don’t know whether the hurting others is worth it. Hurting others now because I can’t live with incongruence. I can’t lie and pretend (I was honest now because if I don’t share my truth it’s constantly hurting me, and whatever the fallout now, it’ll be less painful). I don’t know if it’s a good thing. It’s something I love about myself. Yet it doesn’t seem worth it.

TW. ED, random, positive, update et al.

I’m a few days behind in my reader and posts tend to get lost in my reader after a few days and coz it’s shabbat soon I will be even more behind by the time Sunday comes along.

The past few days I’ve been finding it easier to eat. That terrifies me. Happens to be I haven’t eaten way too much today but because I’ve been eating normally it feels like I have. Yesterday I ate a ‘normal’ amount. First time in 3 months. That freaked me out. I’m proud of myself. I didn’t purge. I distracted myself by writing cards and then on instagram.

Today I’ve been eating too. Just, eating. No calorie counting. No thoughts. And, and I can’t. I can’t let it go.

I chose life again.

Those who’ve actually been following my blog know that a few weeks ago I chose life over destruction. My friend had scared me when she told me she wasn’t sure I’d get her post. It was sobering. I hadn’t realised just how close to death I was. I spent the night after that planning letters to people and the next day chose life. Not sure what posts they were. I chose to believe in Hope then. Hope as an entity which is why I’ve capitalised it. Wrote that in a dialogue post. Hope in possibility.

I chose life a couple days ago. Rechose, recommitted, to life. I don’t know if I actually thought that I was choosing it. I did write something explaining why, but not on this blog. So life, here goes. And the past couple days after I’ve been consciously choosing to take less cocodamol than I want to each time. If I want 6 I’ll take 5. The numbers ate arbitrary anyways. And I’ve only bought enough for another day as I only went to a couple pharmacies. I’m not ready to stop using. But, it seems like a possibility. It feels as though I’m coming to that place where I’ll be ready to stop using.

The past couple days I’ve stayed with reality. Reality of too much. Reality of not knowing what to do with myself. And I’ve eaten more. I’m choosing not to write numbers on this blog. More means just more normally.

It’s positive. And it’s terrifying.

And if I don’t get help to deal with everything behind it then even if I stop it’s a waste of time.

I’m scared of letting go. I’m scared of giving up control.

I’m also seeing that there’s change from a few months ago. It’s for another post. But it’s weird. Weird because a few months ago my actions were okay. And today I’m ODing daily (that NHS therapist called an ambulance on me when I had taken between a third and 6th of what I’ve been taking daily since then). I’m eating now between half and a third what fitness pal tells me I should if I want to lose weight. My actions were okay then. Yet I see change. In some ways I think messing up has given me the space to learn and process. Destroying myself is calming a part of me that lets other parts be. Lets other parts grow.

Even if I’m eating the same calories I’m eating cake and sugar now. Which is good. Really good.

I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m also seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m grateful to those of you who’ve been here. I’ve told you thank you so many times! I really appreciate it. You’re not getting anything back from me. I’m just about reading your blogs (those who are writing). Thank you.

And I’ve gotta go. I didn’t know where writing this would take me. It isn’t what I planned on.

GP – haven’t gotten through. He hasn’t done anything.

MBSR- fell asleep during it. Blush and hide.

ACA- not done enough. Should be in touch with others.

And I’ve a list of questions for a professional re boundaries and responsibilities when I can.

Thank you for reading and being here.

Is this what staying with reality looks like?

A repost of my last post about sitting with the pain. That I woke myself up now coz can't stay with it, can't let myself think about it, but I haven't done anything and maybe that's what it means.

This is what I wrote on instagram now. The last line is what I’m thinking about here. (It will be easier to understand if you’ve read what I wrote here.) I said that the truth is I still don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve woken myself up, but I haven’t done anything. What I missed out is that maybe this is what being with it looks like. Shaking in bed. Putting on music. Not letting myself think at all because I can’t think about it. Maybe this is what staying with reality is about. I wonder. I wonder if that’s what the real world looks like. The not knowing. The just letting the not knowing be. And nor knowing a lil bit more.

Sitting with reality

Something just happened. It huts too close to home for me to write about it yet. And, I don’t know how to handle it or what to do with myself. I don’t feel anything for it would hurt too much so it doesn’t yet hurt at all.

Just sitting with it
Just being with it
The I don’t know what to do with myself
I DON’T know what to do with myself .
Too much
Too big
I don’t know what to do.
Just be with it
Just let it be
The too much
The emptiness
The lack
The shaking
The nothingness
I don’t know what to do with myself.
I don’t need to know.
I don’t need to act on it.
I don’t need to make it okay
For it just isn’t okay.
I don’t need to do anything.
There isn’t anything to do
Just be
Just let it be
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe I don’t need to know
Maybe, just maybe,
I don’t need to do anything
Maybe I can lie here
And do nothing, knowing that
I don’t know what to do with myself
And I don’t need to know. Maybe.

I find it a little funny how sometimes I talk such sense. Funny because I’m living it. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I’m just stating for now with the not knowing. I find it kinda funny how in some ways I talk and live such sense, when I’m also destroying myself.

I don’t know what to do with myself. And for the past few hours I’ve just stayed with it. With the not knowing. Without acting on it. Just doing nothing. And being unsure what on earth to do. And doing nothing. Just being with it.

Letter to myself: 12th August 2020. I’m with you.

Dear E

I’m here. I’m with you. I’m sorry I can’t take your pain away. I can be with you. I am with you. I will be with you. I can’t ease the pain. I can, am, and will stay with you through it.

You will get past it E. Life, just living, doesn’t always hurt so much. Some days are easier. Some days are harder. Some days will be easier. Some days will be harder. Every day I will hold your hand and stay with you. Every day I will be ready to hold you if you let me.

I love you E. I will always love you. There is no way you can ever obliterate my love for you.

Always and forever

E

Random.

Today was a calmer day. Used less cocodamol. Swept a bit the mess I made last night with what I did. Ate too much (for what I feel I should eat. Honestly I’m also grateful I ate more than I wanted to). Not sure how come I’ve used less but I did. Tried to get through to my GP but didn’t manage to – he wasn’t in. I told the secretary I think it’s negligent of him. She didn’t disagree with me (she was drained by my persistence, I think I drove her a bit mad, and there wasn’t anything she could even do but I’m glad she understood me at the end and agreed with me). Even though it’s nearly 3am and I should be sleeping. I’m grateful I didn’t freak out at all today. I’m grateful for all of you who’ve been here – I didn’t expect it and really appreciate it. I’m grateful for E’s email today checking up on me. I hadn’t even told her about last night- she can’t handle me telling her what I’m doing to myself and knowing there is nothing she can do. Grateful for TCs minute phone call to say hi. Tried to find people in ACA who have real recovery, not just newcomers. Going to look on instagram tomorrow. Hoping it’s not as hot. Heat exacerbates dizziness. As does not enough food. I rather not be dizzy. Looking forward to course starting Thursday. Theoretically it’s tomorrow.

Today had responsibility given to me, that I felt I had to take, that wasn’t mine. Is in no way mine. Took 3 hours of my time. It’s a perfect example to bring to someone and ask them what exactly my responsibility is. There are 2 people I would ask to discuss it with. Really I’d ask them if they knew who I could and hope they’d say themselves. But both of them are people I need advice from about my life. Who after I speak to my GP – is that ever going to happen – I want to run what he says by them and ask them for their advice. So I don’t want to use them now as I won’t be able to then. Actually that is even factual not just about me thinking I’m using them.

Love, light and glitter

Letter to myself 10th August. I love you.

E

I love you.

I don’t know how to take your pain away. And I guess I don’t need to take your pain away. You’re allowed to hurt. You’re allowed to exist. You’re allowed to be. I know you can’t hear me. I know you don’t believe me. I’ll keep telling you until you know it. You are allowed to exist. You have a right to exist. To feel. To think. To be.

I love you E. I love you through all the ups and all the downs.
I love you as you question yourself.
I love you as you know you’re defective.
I love you with all the unworthiness you feel.
I love you with the guilt.
I love you with the shame.
I love you. Just because you are.
Every moment of every day I love you.
And every moment of every day I will love you
I will love you as you destroy yourself.
I will love you as you self sabotage.
I will love you as you shatter pieces.
I will love you as you rebuild.
I will love you as you learn to feel.
I will love you as you learn to accept.
I will love you as you learn to trust.
I will love you through the good.
I will love you through the bad.
I will love you through the negative.
I will love you through the positive.

It will hurt E. It does hurt. Living hurts. Being hurts. And there is nothing I can do to take away the pain. I can, and will, always be with you. I’ll stay with you. I’ll hold your hand. I’ll be with you as you do your best to push me away. You won’t be able to get rid of me for I’m you. Unless you kill yourself that is. And even though you don’t believe it, you are worth more than death.

You will get there E. I promise you that. You will get there. I don’t know why it hurts so much when you’re not eating and you’re using cocodamol (which should stop it hurting). I guess you’re beginning to feel. Which is a good thing. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it. I love you E. And I’m with you.

I don’t know who to tell you to trust. For I don’t know who is trustworthy. But, trust yourself. For you have all the answers.

You are beautiful.
You are worth it.
You are enough.
You don’t have to do anything to deserve existence.
You don’t have to do anything to be good enough.
You just are. And you are enough just as you.

I’m with you.

Always and forever

E

It’s okay

It’s okay
It’s okay to be tired
It’s okay
It’s okay to be wired

It’s okay for it to hurt
It’s okay to want to give up
It’s okay to disassociate
It’s okay for it to be too much

It’s okay
It’s okay to be you
It’s okay to be real
It’s okay to do

It’s okay

It’s okay if others
Can’t understand
It’s okay if you never do
All that you have planned

It’s okay if all you do
Is get up today
It’s okay if every moment feels
As though you’re going astray

It’s okay

Your reality is yours
No one else can change it
It’s okay – all of it
Embrace it, live with it

The only way to move past anything
Is to move into it
Accept it and yourself then maybe
You can move past it

It’s okay

Whatever your reality is or isn’t
Know for today
That it, and you, always are
Always will be, okay.


I’m reposting it because people seemed to like it and now it’ll be on my blog. I found it a lil strange how many people told me they appreciated it, because I was talking to myself. I was writing to myself. When I shared it I didn’t expect all the feedback and appreciation. I didn’t expect so many of you to tell me you appreciated the reminder of found it helpful. Thank you. Thank you for appreciating it. Thank you for telling me so…

Love, light, and glitter