Journaling 103 (6) What do I need in order for it to change?

I dialogue journalled last night for at least a couple hours. There’s both what I need in order to stop, and what I need or needs to change so that I don’t need the destruction.

In order to stop I just need support. What that would look like is people checking in with me. Believing in me. Telling me they believe in me. I don’t mean that they need to be updated on what/why. E would do that for me. She’d email me a short couple lines every so often.. As long as she doesn’t feel responsible or see it as a burden knowing it’s okay if she doesn’t, that would be okay. I just need people to be there. E would be. I can and have asked her in the past. I don’t know who else would.

And people who’ll stay in the loop. People who’ll be happy to be in touch however often works for them. Be there in whatever way works for them… just people. I need people in my life.

Support also looks like therapy. Not to process or change anything. Just someone to be there. Who I can share all I write with. Who I can drive crazy. In the way it was with my ex therapist AH. I’d email/whatsapp him a lot. That’s really where most our communication took place.

To be able to live life without using I need to be able to handle living life. How?

Mindfulness, being present, helps lots. And lots. Which is why I’m so grateful for the MBSR course I’m doing.

ACA may help – they’re doing a 6 week introduction starting in a few weeks. It’s a 12 step programme. I just don’t have the energy to look for people who have been in ACA for over a year who are living recovery. I did try to look but can’t at the moment. I do think it’ll help some though.

Journalling. That’s actually the biggest thing. Writing helps me process my world. I’ve always been told that my writing is the best therapy. AH used to tell me that a lot upon reading what I wrote. A couple other therapists I’ve been in touch with in the past said the same. I don’t process my world through talking to others. Which is why I’ve never wanted and would never use therapy to talk or process through talking. That’s what journaling is for.

Some way of learning skills. Either with a therapist (ideally) or through workbooks. Just needs to be with someone for I won’t actually do it on my own. Skills isn’t the right word. Primarily on learning to identify, recognise, and handle emotions and feelings. At the moment I believe I’m lying whenever I say I think or feel anything. Because it doesn’t stay or isn’t true a moment later. Sometimes I do stay with what I feel. Most times I don’t. Most times as soon as I engage with whatever it is, it just isn’t there. So mindfulness helps with being present. But more than that, I need to learn what/how etc. I want to experience emotions in my body and then be able to handle them. I thought I was learning to do that. Maybe I even was. Then I decided to try destroy my life (yeah, I blame myself for the destruction). I want to stop zoning out or freaking out. Whenever I try engage with myself I either zone out or freak out – cut off or it’s beyond too much.

I’m pretty certain I live with anxiety. But if that ever comes up I’ll deal with that then. I’ll only know if I do or don’t when I live with my feelings experientially. I think I do because that’s the only physical sensation I experience – not breathing or shaking


There are 2 main things that aren’t conducive to getting to a place of okayness.

1. Living at home. Mainly refererring to my mother and special needs sister. My other sister who lives at home I’m so grateful for. Yesterday I was dialogue journalling, making a plan for what I need and how to get there etc. Because I want to stop using. I came home in middle of journalling (I was away). When I picked up journalling my response was; I don’t know if I’m ready to stop. Why? Because I need it when I’m home. Using gives me a grip and handle on my world. Not eating does too. And when I’m home I need that grip so much more. My sn sister talks pretty literally all the time. I can’t not listen to someone talking to me. She needs attention all the time. She, and my mother, just use so much energy that I don’t have spare. It’s not healthy for me to live in my room. Being with them isn’t healthy either…

Living at home I don’t have the freedom to be myself. I can’t be myself. I can’t explore or learn who I am, would be, or want to be. That’s not as much of an issue as above. It’s something I’ll have to deal with some day. Whenever I leave the culture I’m living in I’ll destroy my father. My father is a really good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Again that’s not for now. There’s also a lot of pressure and constant negative feedback at home.

The other big thing is work. Work is good because it gives structure. I can give myself that structure through volunteering. It’s not good because I don’t have the headspace. I’m using all my energy to just hold onto the world. To just stay okay. To try make the right choices – and constantly feel as though I’m failing. For I’m still using and I’m destroying myself. As long as I’m destroying myself I can’t really be trying. Or I’m not trying hard enough.

I teach. If I’m not giving my students my all I’m failing them. Also, I don’t teach the easy students. I teach those who need the help and support. I teach those who need 110%. I’m finding it really hard to focus on anything at all for long. I get distracted really easily. I’m not finding it easy to concentrate. I’m not really sleeping. I don’t know. Not really a point thinking about it. For I’m going to try… try give it my all and see. I am working less hours and not doing the part of my job I did last year that I hated. I’m going to be earning very little. Definitely not earning enough as it is. I’m still paying off a course that I haven’t done. Education that I really want but have no headspace for.


So in a few lines what does this leave me with?

In order to stop I really need to have more people as a support in my life. For various reasons most my friends aren’t an option. They’re friends and I’m grateful for them. Some of them are definitely a reason I don’t want to kill myself. They’ll want me there. E will be via email. Another E who I don’t know well would be also, just dunno what to ask her for. Support as in people not only friends. If my GP puts the referral through to the HBTT (home based treatment team) it would give me the pretty much 24/7 help I’d need to handle stopping. If not, I don’t know.

Learning – mindfulness I’m doing. Hopefully will do ACA. And I don’t know. I don’t know how to learn the rest… if the NHS will offer any of it. If they don’t could ask someone I’m thinking of privately, just not relevant as long as there’s any risk factors in my life. Which as long as I’m using there are. (Food or any other self harm isn’t a risk factor in that way).

Living at home isn’t good for me but I don’t have another option at the moment. Working isn’t good for me but unless I have some way of getting money it also isn’t an option to just stop working.

Random sorta unrelated positive comment. I’m thinking of buying myself a new expensive phone. Been pushing if off in a large part because it’s a waste of time to buy it if I may not be around to enjoy it. But I will be. Or as I said to TC, I think I’ll get to 2700 gratitudes when I’m 27 (I’m writing out gratitudes, aiming for 2700 different ones for when I turn 27), and it’s kinda amazing in a neutral way that I actually envision myself turning 27.

Journalling 103 (5) GP App and referrals

I saw my GP today. Last week wrote up with him a referral for the CMHT.

I asked him for a copy of the letter the therapist from primary care services sent to him. I called up primary care services for a copy and they told me my GP can give me a copy. Her letter was good. She was really clear about how to go further. She suggested HBTT (Home based treatment team).

I asked him about the referral. He told me he hadn’t sent any off. That he would, and he’d send it to both the CMHT (community mental health team) and HBTT along with her letter.

Reading her letter now I’m annoyed. It’s dated the 6th of July and she writes that she hopes that by the time she’s writing this letter he’s made an appointment with me and put a referral through to either CMHT or HBTT. And that if I ever want the primary goal to be to stop using – at this moment it is. I want to stop using. I’m not sure how long that will last, that I’m really ready and want to stop destroying my life – the DBT team will assess and would want either of the other services involved.

Why do I have to google it all and ask him to do the referrals? And I don’t know if anything will come of them. Her last couple paragraphs were really clear recommendations on where exactly to go from here. Her letter was, is, really good. Just nothing has been done with it until now…

I’m not sure if I should just scrap it and go privately. My problem with going privately is that I kinda want someone to be there all the time. I know I’m not going to cope when I stop taking cocodamol. And I want to stop. I’m finding it hard enough to eat as it is – this is even though I’ve been trying to eat more coz of using.

I wrote a list of what I need, what I want, and what needs to change in order to just be okay living life on life’s terms. Well, I didn’t write a list. I dialogue journalled. I’ll put it into a list as another post.

I’m tired…..

Edit. He said my blood results were all okay except fat something which is normal when haven’t been eating enough, and muscles. I think I may have a muscle issue as it is but I can’t know if they’re lower than they would be, so some day can check them again.

As I walked out I said to him that I can’t stop using until he’s done this because I can’t stop without having any support in place. (It’s just not possible).


Had a staff meeting today. Was freaking out for most of it. Not sure how it will be to be back at work next week. It could be really good for me. Or it could be a spectacular fail. I’m keeping an open mind to what’s possible.

I was trying to and want to make a plan. I don’t know if there’s any point trying to plan how to go forward, what I need or don’t need, if I don’t know whether anything will come of these referrals.

I want to stop using.

There. I said it. I want to stop using.

I don’t like to post twice in a day. But I’m going to post this anyways… I feel like I can’t breathe.

I’m scared to want to stop. I’m scared because I know I need it. I’m scared because it gives me a handle on life. I’m scared. I don’t feel scared. I know I am scared. Argh. Stop talking about feelings because then I think I’m lying.

I want to stop. I think it’s destroying me. Although I want the destruction, I wonder if there is any part that doesn’t. Because today I actually want to stop.

I don’t know how it’s possible. I don’t have the help or support I need.

Talking about trying. I’ve been trying. By trying I mean that I’ve been trying to get the help. By trying I mean I’ve been trying to get what I need. I’ve been trying to change it around. And…

I don’t know if I really have been trying. For there is do or don’t. There is no ‘try’. And how can I say I’ve been trying if at the end of the day I’m using and not eating.

Oh, I don’t want to eat more. One problem that will come up is that part of why I’m even eating all that I am is that I’ve been using and know I need to habe food to absorb it for it not to kill me.

Random question to myself. Why have I had to literally force myself to eat anything at all these past couple days when I’m away, when I’m okay, calm – it’s really good to be away, more than just good. It’s amazing to have space away from home. Space. Just space to be myself. Space to be.

Continuing on from that it’s interesting for me to see that there’s still the self harm and self destruction. Even when I’m away.

Actually, this is an edit, that’s not completely true. Now that I’m away, I may have bought loads (to use) and I’m finding it really hard to eat (or sleep). I mean, even though there is lotsa self destruction, I want to stop using. Using is a risk, and I don’t want that kinda risk factor. So even if there’s lotsa self destruction, there’s also less. (Why can’t I be away always????? I don’t mean as in running away. Living at home, in the community I live in, just really isn’t good for me. I don’t see another option. But that’s not for this).

I want to stop using. I don’t know what to do with that…… but there. I’ve said it. And yes, saying it is scary…… it’s terrifying to admit it to myself. Terrifying to acknowledge it. I know that 2 months ago I didn’t think I’d ever be using again. I thought it was passed. Yet now I don’t know who I am without it. Am I? As in, am I anything at all without it? Not asking without self destruction for, for that’s there, that is, and whatever. Not discussing that. So yeah. I kinda really want to stop using. And I’m making it real by saying it….. and I’m going to have to act on it really soon if I want it to happen. And I want to cry. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff.

What if I fall? Oh my darling what if you fly
What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you fly?
What if I fall? Oh, my darling, what if you FLY?

MBSR (3) – Mindfulness and grounding

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

What does mindfulness mean?

What is mindfulness?

What does mindfulness do?

The way I’d put it simply is being present. To be mindful is to be aware. To be present. Am some people think mindfulness is the same as meditation. Meditation is focus and stillness and is really a different ballgame. It’s got some similarities though. They’re both being present. Being aware. Just being. Just living.

When I’m mindful, aware of what is at this moment, I’m going to be living with my primary experiences, rather than secondary, tertiary or can’t remember what Greg told me. He told me quadary experience – whatever the right word is.

I’ve gone off on a tangent.


I find mindfulness to be grounding. Because I’m doing this course and trying to choose something to be mindful with, and of course I didn’t choose my daily activity because in the same way I’m rambling here and probably making you dizzy with the spinning and jumping and run on ness why would I think of one specific activity and as if I’d even remember during that one activity and then I’d anyways have to choose a different one so I’m doing that now as it is and don’t worry I’ll repeat this…


Mindfulness. Being present. If you read my trigger warning post – I’m intentionally not linking – you’ll understand what I mean. I’m grounding myself a lot. Focusing on where exactly my body is in space and time. Being aware of myself in my body. Being aware of my body in the world. Tuning into it. Tuning into what is going on. Like the sound of the cars and the annoying squeak of the light.

I’m finding it grounding. Because I’m trying to tune in. I’m intentionally tuning in often. Which i definitely think is a good thing.

It’s quite funny to write this, how taking the course is helping me, because we’re meant to listen to a guided mindfulness (which is guided imagery, or guided presentness) once a day. Being that I’m listening to the body scans in bed I try listen to another one during the day too. Anyways, I find it really hard to focus. I’m distracted the entire time. It takes till the end of the recording for me to actually be focusing on it.

I guess I’m saying that in some ways I’m not doing this being mindful well at all. And yet I am. So I’m not able to focus through the recordings… I focus for a few seconds at a time if you’re lucky. And I’m grounding myself lots. And lots. Which I definitely need at the moment….

I didn’t plan on writing this about me. Just about how mindfulness can be grounding and can be used as a tool to remember to be aware of where one is in space and time. To tune into the reality and help one be present. But this is what is 🙂

I’d definitely recommend mindfulness. But if you do a course research it. I did one through other places which were a waste of time. MBSR is a great one. You can do it for free online at Palouse MBSR Course. I wouldn’t have the motivation. You can google it. If you’re in England a lot of MIND charities offer it subsidised or for free. I’ve seen some great and some nonsense books. I like the first page of Mind Calm.

Love, light and glitter.

Trigger warning.

Not for under 18s.

There’s nothing to write for it’s all just lies and more lies. I don’t know what’s reality and what’s not.

What’s reality?

Right now I’m sitting on the floor leaning against my bed. I feel the floor. I feel the bed. I feel tears in my eyes. I see the screen. I hear a ticking of a timepiece. I hear some raindrops. I hear the washing machine and the dryer.

I haven’t packed. I’ve been staring at my phone knowing I’m alone and knowing I can’t reach out to anyone for if I do and don’t get a response I’ll completely spiral. My head is tilted to the side. My feet are a bit numb. I’m swallowing.

Not sure what tops to pack. It’s cold weather. I want it to be hot because wanted to wear whatever I wanted without the constraints that living at home, religion and Judaism place on me. I need space to explore, to be. I’m not going to get that space.

Holding a really cute superdry tshirt on my lap. It’s really too cold for it. I’m not sure whether to keep it as it’ll only fit me now whilst I’ve lost weight.

SM was in my house today. She told me I look like I’ve lost weight. Do I? I can’t see it. Some body parts I can feel my bones.

Changing position to be doing a full body squat. Haven’t done that for ages. Or any exercise at all.

I haven’t used enough. And I’ve taken too much.

My head is one of contradictions.

I’m trying to be aware of my body in my room.

I’m tired. I don’t want to say anything I think or feel because it registers to me as lies. And I can’t handle lies or incongruence at the moment. Maybe that’s also a lie… who knows.

Changed body squat position. Not sure which one is better. I still have a stomach. Like, really visible. Weird I guess how I’ve lost weight everywhere but there. It’s not about weight. Weight is just a bonus. Or is it? I rarely look in the mirror. I don’t believe I see in the mirror what others see when they look at me. So why would I look in the mirror? I don’t really ever think anything much of my body either way. I dislike the acne scars. When I look. When I don’t look I don’t see them. People talk about liking or disliking their bodies. My body is just my body. Nothing to like or dislike. Except when I want to destroy it, but then it’s not really my body I’m trying to destroy, but myself.

Why’m I in this space?

Who cares.

It doesn’t really help to write. Especially because I can’t connect to it so it’s not like writing is doing anything or processing anything. It’s just giving me something to do with time. Time that thing I don’t know what to do with. To do with myself. Also that thing I don’t know what to do with.

I guess disconnection is good. I don’t actually care if I’m dead or alive. Rather than wanting to be dead. I chose life. So not like would have done anything either way. That weird thing life.

MBSR – mindfulness course, thoughts (1)

Mindfulness attitudes - Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

Just noticed that my upper arms were tense. But coz I noticed it they aren’t so much (often when I tune into something it’s too much so isn’t there) . I’m definitely more aware of my body. Ive been writing out some of my last letters to myself, in them I was often grounding myself in them. Describing where my body is in space and time. Was interesting kinda to read and rewrite. Like now I feel my body pressing into the bed. My neck is turned. I hear music playing. The room is a bit hot. The cover is on my arm.

I’m doing that – noticing my body a lot the last couple weeks. I’m thinking it’s coz of this MBSR course. I think that’s partially why but not only. I think it’s because of the one I did a year, or was it 2 years ago, too. I’m grateful I’m doing it again. Even if and though I can’t share during it. When they email us the homework I hope to reply to ask if they can offer us to share our thoughts both by jumping in like it has been, or through the chat feature.

I did talk. Near the beginning they split us into breakout rooms to discuss last weeks homework. And they put me with a girl who looks to be around my age. Well anywhere between 20 and 30. And a guy. And they both weren’t talking so I started it. After the breakout rooms, in the group, every person shared with everyone what they thought. Well, almost everyone :). Thankfully I was the last person they asked. So it was a non issue that I didn’t. I couldn’t. Which is why it was only almost everyone. One of the guys didn’t realise I had been on last week. Probably coz of that. That everyone else who was on spoke. There were 2 or 3 new people. I like a lot of them.

I’m liking the course. Because just the fact of doing it helps. Because I’m remembering more to just see where I am now. Because part of the homework is to choose a daily task to be mindful during I hadn’t chosen an activity. So often during the day I thought I hadn’t, so just tuned in to where exactly I am and what’s going on. Like this moment I feel the phone in my hands, the air, breathing.

And they take away all pressure. They’re very much there is no right and wrong. It’s in the scripts. Everything is do this if it’s good, if it’s not don’t. Interesting to hear the people giving the course completely reading off the scripts. I know it’s scripted because there are recordings by others on the MIND site and they’re using the exact same words the entire time. The focus is acceptance, awareness, compassion, curiosity.

Someone said that the last one made her sad. As soon as she was tuning in to her body she was just so sad. Rich, one of the instructors (there’s 3, one who has trained, 2 training to be instructors), said how mindfulness is always about tune in when it’s good for you, and don’t when it’s not. Don’t do what’s not comfortable or too much. Step back. Open your eyes.

They asked what would feel physically, what would think, what would think. Someone asked what the difference between body and feeling was. They were what a great question… I liked that they were making everything valid, that people could consider stupid.

I didn’t like how when someone shared anything they’d question it. When anyone shared anything they’d ask them what that meant to them, what that was like for them, or whatever. Actually if I ever talk on there – 6 more weeks, I hope I do (!) – I’d have to tell them not to. That if I share I need no questions after. I can’t handle people questioning what I’ve said, or asking me to explain it. Freaks me out. Makes me feel unheard. Hmm. Not just that. Dunno. Whatever.

This week meant to do body scan 3 days and body and breath 3 days. The body scan puts me to sleep. However, doing it is good. Because I think maybe doing it often enough may make me automatically be aware of where my body is in space and time more.

Body and breath is a nice one I think. Though when he did it during the course it was really hard to focus. There were so many pauses, so I was only focusing when he was talking. And at least half the time he was talking about I dunno what. About being aware of whatever comes up and giving it space or something or another but it wasn’t directed enough for me to actually focus on it. So it was putting me to sleep. And made me feel very untethered.

Going to put on the body scans now I think. Worst/best is they send me to sleep. I’m more than happy if they send me to sleep. And if they don’t, it’s good for me to practice. The body/breath if I remember it, and I remember that I really liked it (not sure what doing it in real was so different to what I remember from last time and what I think the recording is), is really good to do first thing in the morning.

I’d really like to eventually train with them. To be a teacher. If I do 2 courses in a row – which I’m hoping to. This via zoom, then whenever they do it in real life. Then it’ll be 4 months of structured practice. Regardless if I keep a time for structured practice or not it’s good. Will be good.

Letter to myself: 16th August 2020. I love you and I’m glad you’re here.

Dear E

I’m glad you’re here. I’m grateful to be on this journey. And I’m hopeful for where this journey could lead.

I’m with you always E, and I will be with you always. Through the ups and through the downs. Keep rebuilding. Take the pieces and create something new. You get to choose what your life will look like. Build something beautiful E. You are beautiful. I hope you can let your life reflect that beauty.

When you shatter your world into pieces, you get to choose which pieces to pick up. Which pieces to include into your life. You can discard all the parts that harmed you. Don’t use them as part of the infrastructure. Use just the good. Just the helpful.

I’m so proud of you E. Proud of you for holding on through the destruction, and not letting destruction take over your world completely. As you said, you can always go back to destructions embrace. I’m proud of you for reaching out to others, or trying to. I’m proud of you for all the learning and processing you are doing. A candle in the darkness shines so much light. I’m proud of you for believing in yourself, in hope, in your ability to create a new life for yourself. I’m proud of you for choosing life.

Yes, you’re living with destruction in some sense. You’re not eating enough and you’re ODing daily. You’re also eating more. You are also eating all foods. Maybe not enough calories, but you’re eating all foods, bot just 2 or 3. You’re trying to use less. Go for longer stretches without taking any cocodamol.

You want to reach out more than you have. And you don’t know how to. You don’t know what the right thing to do is. And E, you’re trying. Is trying enough? I don’t know. I don’t know if trying is enough, but trying is all there is. Trying is all there is.

And yes E, you reached out. Think about the people who were here for you. Who held a light that showed you ‘there is a world beyond destruction’. They could only do that because you reached out. Because you were honest and vulnerable. Yes, GP has failed you. That is NOT your fault. Trusting his advice not to go privately isn’t your fault either. You can make new choices.

Life is a choice. And it’s the most important choice. I’m glad to have you here E. I’m glad to have you on this journey. I’m grateful to be on this journey with you.

Ignore those who don’t understand you. Let them laugh at you or be afraid of your thinking. That is their problem. Not yours. You do what is right for you. When what is right for you will destroy others? I don’t know. That can be added to the list of things you need some practical advice and guidance on.

I love you E. I love you so very much. I love you with all my heart. And I will always love you. There is nothing you can ever do that will ever take away my love. My love for you is not conditional. My love for you is unconditional.

I love you E. I see you. I see your beauty. I see your pain. I see your love. I see your heart that holds everyone else’s hearts. I see your loyalty. I see your fear. I see your terror. I see the little girl E. I see the fear and knowledge she will be alone. I will always be there for her. I will always be here for you. Remember what I said to you? (Dialogue through hope and destruction) I told you I want to be your friend, and whenever you are ready for me to, I will be your friend.

You are beautiful E. With all the good. Light can’t shine in the light. It is your dark that makes you beautiful.

Love always,

E

Dialogue with myself about Hope and Destruction

19th July 2020


E, who is running the show?
Life, I think.
What does ‘Life’ look like?
Not Life. Hope is.
What does ‘Hope’ look like?
Not like Destruction.
What does Destruction look like?
I can’t see because it is so all encompassing that it is everything so not possible to define it.
What does Hope want?
Love.
Can you give Hope Love?
No. I don’t know what Love is.
Is there anything you can give Hope?
No. I don’t like Hope.
Who do you like?
Destruction. Destruction is my friend. Destruction knows me. Hope doesn’t. I don’t know or like Hope.
But you’re letting Hope run the show?
Yeah. Others believe Hope is right. Others believe I should. I can always call Destruction back. And Hope doesn’t tell me I can’t use (cocodamol). Else Hope would be long gone.
What does Hope tell you?
I don’t want to listen to her.
Why not?
She scares me.
Hope scares you?
Yeah. It’ll get me hurt.
Hope will get you hurt?
She’s not going to stay. No one does.
What will happen if she goes?
Nothing. I’ll live with Nothing. And Destruction is always my friend.
So if you don’t like Hope you can always go back to Destruction?
Yes
That’s good. That’s really good. So you have Hope. And Destruction is there if you need him.
Yeah. He’s sad.
Why is he sad?
That I’ve abandoned him.
Have you?
No. But he wants to be my only friend.
Friends who don’t want you to have other friends aren’t healthy friends.
I know. But he is my only real friend..
Can you make other friends?
I don’t know. I’m not great at making friends.
I can be your friend.
You can’t. You don’t like me.
You think I don’t like you?
I know you don’t like me.
How do you know that?
You want me to be here. Obviously you hate me.
I want you to be here because I love you and love having you around.
That is selfish.
How’s it selfish?
Because you want what is best for you, and not what is good for me.
Hmm. True. Am I allowed to be selfish?
Yes. But that means you aren’t my friend. Friends aren’t selfish.
Can I be your friend a bit?
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
I want to be your friend. I love you. If you’re ever ready for me to be your friend I’m here. I will always love you.
That’s a lie.
What is?
All of it.
It’s true to me.
Whatever.
E, it’s okay. I’m sorry for hurting you.
You didn’t hurt me.
Can I talk to Hope?
Nope.
Why not?
You’ll tell Hope to stay.
How bad will it be if Hope stays?
Very. Destruction won’t always wait.
You can always go back to Destruction though.
I don’t know.
Will Destruction be your friend if you go back to him?
Yes.
So there you go.
You can talk to Destruction instead.
Do you want me to?
I don’t care what you do. I want you to go away.
You want me to go away?
You’re too reasonable. I don’t like you. You make me sound like a bratty teenager.
You don’t sound like a bratty teenager. You sound like a sad lost girl.
I’m not.
I didn’t say you were. I don’t think you’re bratty.
What do you think I am?
That doesn’t matter now E. It makes no difference. For I love you regardless.
Stop lying please.
I’m not lying. I’m owning my truth. I’m sorry it hurts you.
It doesn’t.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye E. You’re worth it.
I’m not.
I know you think that. I believe you are. Hope believes you are. Give us a chance.
Do I have a choice?
Always. You always have a choice. You always will have a choice. And you can always walk away into Destruction’s embrace. Destruction is there. He will always be there. As you said, he is your friend. He will always be your friend if you want. You may as well give others a chance too before you decide on a single friend to the exclusion of all else. I’m here E. Even when you don’t want me to be. I’m here.

When I first wrote this and wrote about it here, I was confused. Now, I appreciate the way I speak to myself. I’m kinda in awe in truth. And I’m touched by the truths I live regarding myself and friends.

Inner child

I often would fantasise at night. As in imagine myself in a situation. Not healthy fantasies.

I’ve been listening to ACA meetings – adult children of alcoholics. My parents weren’t alcoholics for the record. I’ve really related to it. The depiction of feelings. Of black and white thinking. Approval. Can go on.

So the last few nights I have been fantasizing, but also trying to instead hug myself for a few seconds. Give myself the love I want and know I don’t deserve/can’t accept.


Going to try write less here, or schedule. Been posting way too much here.