Ramble 832

Another rambling update, although to be honest, I’ve no clue what I’ll write. (I just realised I forgot to add a title)

I just watched this – thank you Laurie for sharing it

It was really interesting to hear. That I can influence my actions. I’ve decided to sit/stand in a ‘powerful’ position before approaching my boss about next year. I need to speak to my boss to ask what the plan is for next year and I really don’t want to. Primarily because I have no clue what I want to do. I want a job and don’t know what I want the job to be. So I’m not looking to speak to him. Yet I have to. So I hopefully will do so later this week.

I’m exhausted. Last night I slept! I woke up a little after 7 this morning. And I had a shower. Last night I used dry shampoo – again – as I knew I wouldn’t have a shower this morning. This morning I actually showered. I absolutely hate showers, so that was a pretty big deal for me. Super tired at the moment. Another great thing I did today was eat. I literally forced myself to eat today. I guess I’m in the mode of not eating. So my dinner time I bought a wheat snack and chewed through it really slowly and swallowed almost every bite. Now I came home and couldn’t think of what to eat. I called my friend up and she brought around soup from her freezer. I warmed it up and fried egg to eat with it (mainly egg whites) so that I know I’ve had protein. I’m way more aware of how I cycle with foods now. Some days I eat loads. Some days nothing at all. It used to be that if I didn’t want to eat I just wouldn’t, but now I’m trying to make sure that I do.

Someone went away with RR. She’s mentioning him to me. She thinks I feel ‘cool’ that she went away with him. She looks at RR as ‘mine’ in a sense, as someone I’ve got a relationship with and who she thinks feels closer to her because of me. In actual fact that probably isn’t so, but you never know. It, I don’t know if it hurts or not. I know I don’t like it. First off I don’t like that she mentions him so much in the context that he has a relationship with me, for, yeah. I don’t know what I think of RR. Second I’m jealous that she went away with him (and other people). Third she’s making it into a big deal (because she feels cool in a sense). And I don’t want to think about him at all. I know I’ll have to think about him one day, but it doesn’t have to be unless I want to. I know I will think of it. I know I have to process what I think about what he did or didn’t do. I know I want to one day be okay with the fact that he lied to me – whether I will or won’t ever have a relationship with him remains to be seen. It’s not today. I process best with just time. And I’m finding the constant reminder tough.

Last night when I was freaking out I decided to use colours to draw what was going on. I couldn’t write. Did some scribbling over pages in my journal. Lots of deep red and a bit of black. The vortex was deep red which was surprising to me for in the past it’s always been black. They were weird. Just eek’ed me out. It was more peaceful afterwards though. I’d gotten some of the nonsense in my head out.

I messaged a friend last night if she feels like I use her. She replied I’d have to try a lot harder than that. She’s cute. She’s just nice. I do feel like I’m using her for she is so busy that she has no time. And she’s there for me. She wouldn’t ask me to be there for her (I’d be there in the blink of an eye if she’d want it)

I was wondering whether to work through what I believe. I wrote about it here. I discussed it with a friend – more like I was on the phone just talking to her and she just listened. It was actually fun to talk to her! She’s really doing well at the moment and I love it when my friends are happy and okay. I texted the friend I was referencing above. And it feels like it makes a lot more sense in my mind. I’m seeing that I can’t live my life according to someone else. It’s too real for me to decide whether to work through whether Torah is true or not. But yet I can see – even if I can’t act on it – that it’s my choice. That it has to be my choice. That my life is mine to live. I can’t yet act on it. There’s way too much around it.

It’s pretty new for me to believe I’m allowed to have choices of my own. That I’m allowed to want. Something that really frustrated me often was how it was always about the other person. How it had to always be about the other person. I was annoyed with ‘the other person’ for never taking me into account. I’ve finally realised – well, not just now, maybe already a year ago – that it’s that I didn’t see an ‘I’. I never thought there could be a me, there never was what I wanted, for I couldn’t want anything, so of course ‘the other person’ never saw the ‘I’.

My sister interrupted me and I’ve lost my train of thought.

Rambling update – he betrayed me and therapy

I’ve been feeling way too self conscious to post. Also feel as though I’ve nothing to say, so why’m I bothering?

I’m sad. Today I realised that RR either broke my trust or lied to me. I always knew it but I never allowed myself to think about it for he gave me so much, he meant a lot to me, and I always knew I could rely on him. I always knew I could rely on him to be there, until I couldn’t. Until, instead of apologising for getting back to me only 2 days later, he would respond a week later. Until I asked him to record a message I needed to hear, he told me he would, and he never did. A month later I sent him a link to something I wrote, he emailed back a week later and said he knew he hadn’t responded. A few weeks later I asked him for advice about the therapist I met a few times who offered touch, and I wanted to know if it was okay or not. He got back to me 2 weeks later to tell me it was okay. I trust him on that. He asked how I was and I told him I wasn’t answering. He never sent me the recording he said he’d do…. A week ago I had a question for him so whatsapped. He never responded. He has no obligation to be there for me. He has no obligation to be here. He just always was. And somehow he’s the same as everyone else always has been. There for me and then just disappears. Just stops being there.

Now that he’s not here, it’s easier for me to see what he must’ve done. I never thought about it because I needed to trust him. I needed to rely on him. I don’t know how to do this without being specific, so not sure if it’s going to make sense. Someone in my life did something behind my back a couple of years ago. Change that. RR arranged for me to be in touch with A. He was the contact person between us. He saw to it. He checked in with me every so often about it. Whenever I wasn’t in touch with A for a while he’d be in touch with me to find out if it/I was okay. He spoke to A a few times for me. (In case anyone’s wondering why I trusted RR so much. He really did a lot for me). A told me at one point that D had been in touch (and that A didn’t communicate with D at all. A wanted to let me know so that A wouldn’t be keeping something from me). The only way for D to have known about A was through RR. RR arranged it and was the go between if I needed. D shouldn’t have known anything at all. I knew D did and I knew D must have spoken to RR and I asked RR if D had. I blamed D for crossing boundaries though (it was crossing boundaries for D to call A). There are 2 options. Either RR arranged it and told D about it – there’s absolutely no way that could be an okay thing for him to have done. Or, the better option, is that D arranged it, and didn’t want me to know. D speaking to A then, would be a breach of boundaries, but would come in a little more. If D arranged it then both D and RR lied to me. D is actually understandable. The boundaries, the other stuff, due to the situation, it’d make sense, inexcusable, but understandable. RR however, he lied. He told me he saw to it. So either he did and told D, or D saw to it and RR pretended to do so. I don’t really feel anything about it at all. I don’t know what to feel. It’s not like I haven’t really known this for the last year and a half, I have known it, I just ignored the reality. I needed RR. Or I thought I needed him.

I need people. Or, I thought I need them. Everyone always ends up leaving. I don’t understand why.

I’m surprised at the people who were here for me in the past week. M came over and talked me down. I never thought M would ever be here for me. S who I always knew would be here if I needed her, just wasn’t. I thought she would be.

I’ve been eating too much and been constantly wanting to purge. Well, I often actually do. At the moment I’m trying not to. I don’t know why I’m fighting it. I go round and round. If I eat too much, it bothers me. I don’t know what ‘too much’ is either. And if I act on it I feel guilty for wasting the food and want to eat less. That’s why I’m trying not to get too stuck in it. Though to be honest food cycling is not something that has ever stopped. I constantly cycle between eating too much. Purging because of it. Restricting. Balancing. Or it’s not a direct cycle but I go back and forth between them all often enough that it should be dizzying to think about.

My thoughts are completely disjointed at the moment.

I dialogued (journaled through dialogue) earlier. I thought I’d write it out. I was actually impressed with myself. For when I didn’t want to face something, instead of forcing it, I queried why I didn’t and journaled that through instead. I finished my ‘I can’t adult today’ journal today and started another one.

I looked at some profiles of therapists online. Most of them all replied to me that they can’t do it. One person arranged to call, and just didn’t. Another person I arranged a free consultation with for Monday. I already know now it’ll be a waste of time – because I read through her attachments to the email and I was really unimpressed. With the way it was all about money. She was describing therapy as though it’s a business transaction, which, although true to an extent, is also untrue. Plus she had on there not to contact your therapist if in crisis but your GP or the A&E. And however much that is true, I’d think a therapist is there to help you so you don’t need to do that. Being that I messed her around already, and told her I’m most likely not interested, I’m going on the 1%, make it 0.01% chance, that she’s any good. Another women also got back to me, but she is only offering online therapy at the moment. If I know it’ll be only temporary it’d be relevant. She gave me the link to a guy. Who is actually really professional and I was really impressed with the conversation we had. It doesn’t mean anything if I’m impressed, for I thought LN was a great therapist, and then she ended it when I got back to her (she’d offered touch and I waited until I found out it was okay), without asking me what I wanted. This guy told me he wouldn’t work with me if I was going through the NHS too. I have to speak to my GP and see what he thinks. His only available slot is during my work. Which would mean that if I were to see him, I’d be missing work, and I’m not sure that work would do that. I actually looked up the legislations, and although there’s the discriminatory and equality acts, work wouldn’t have to give me off, because I don’t actually think it’d be good for the students. I’ll have to speak to my GP and see. I’m also thinking that maybe we should meet the first 2 times and see if we even think we can work with each other, for if we can’t, it’s not relevant. I hope I get to speak to my GP on Tuesday and that he is actually able to advise me on what to do. It really depends a lot on the NHS. My GP put in a request for a primary care therapist to be able to do DBT with me. If that goes through then I won’t bother with anything. If it’s going to take a couple of months but will end up going through then I’d want to find some support until then. If they say no then this guy I spoke to seemed like he may be a really good option – if I can even get it okay with work. Oh, another women (therapist) had gotten back to me and said we could meet for an initial consultation, except that she didn’t respond to my reply. So there’s that.

I feel like I’ve been rambling for way too long and it feels super boring to me.

Love, light and glitter