In a years time I want to…

I’d appreciate thoughts. I think I’m being really realistic here although it’s noncomprehensive as was just writing (I can only ‘just write’, I don’t know how to edit or alter what I say. I only know how to just let my pen or in this case finger talk). I think it’s realistic because I didn’t say anything non doable. I know not all of it is in my control. I know it’s up to the universe to send me whatever whenever (that I’m saying that is awesome. Every single time I see a future I think I’m amazing I say that, because so much I’m also not doing because I might not be here so shouldn’t waste/bother). Anyways, was just meant to say that I’d appreciate thoughts. Coz can add or take away from this.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFNxp6fD5MN/?igshid=1j4u5bmbev0vn

Today was another long day (well, every day is at the moment. With a lot of flipping back and forth because the smallest things change modes. Sis stressed me out and wasn’t handling. Journalled and was calm. Freaking coz not sure. Spoke to R which was good. Constantly back and forth….. makes it long…).


I’ve read and really appreciate all your comments on my blog even though I haven’t responded to any or read any posts here (I did read one. Sunshine and Fak ones I schedule). Thank you for being here.

💕 Be living without self destruction 
💕 Be present always
💕Be practicing mindfulness daily - a min or two a day counts
💕 Have a support system
💕 Have more friends
💕 Be keeping boundaries with those people who I'm still struggling so much with.
💕 Live in a world of colour
💕 Be able to stay with a mood instead of so easily spiralling
💕 Be journalling still!
💕 Have changed more self talk (I've stopped saying I hate myself).
💕 Be buying and planning for the future rather than not wanting to waste money on what I might not be here for
💕 Be present in my body
💕 Experience emotions - at least more than I do now.
💕 Still be in touch with R, M, M
💕 Have gotten past 2700 gratitudes!
💕 Live without the need to harm
💕 Get to at least 100 reasons
💕 Have set up Letters of Hope
💕 Have moved out
💕 Have a plan for studying if I haven't continued with what I started.
💕 Be living without ED behaviours. 
💕 Keep accepting myself
💕 Connect to a source and be further forging my own path not bound to anything I was raised with.
💕 Be fully taking responsibility for my life.
💕 Continuing to learn to let go of responsibility that is not mine.
💕 Embrace myself and allow others to embrace me.

LTM: 14th September 2020

Dear E

Welcome to a new day. Of possibility. Of hope. Of sunshine.

I just wanted to drop you a line to tell you how proud I am of you.
I’m proud that you’re here.
I’m proud of you for choosing life, or not choosing death- the easy way out.
I’m proud of you for practicing mindfulness.
I’m proud of you for showing up.
I’m proud of you for distracting yourself.
I’m proud of you for focusing why live. (Instagram – reasons to live)
I’m proud of you for reaching out to others.
I’m proud of you for trying to get help.
I’m proud of you for letting go of those who you wanted to be here for you and who aren’t.
I’m proud of you for keeping a lot more to your boundaries.
I’m proud of you for trying to do good things.
I’m proud of you E no matter what your choices are.
I’m proud of you because you’re trying, even if you believe there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and you’re not ‘doing’. Because E, because you ARE doing.
You’re practicing mindfulness every single day. You’re reaching out to others however infrequently. You’re journaling however infrequently. You’ve joined a once a week ACA call (6 weeks). You’ve called others. You’re writing gratitudes. You’re writing reasons to live. You’re eating more and letting yourself however much you hate and guilt yourself for it. You’re changing your self talk and are more aware of thought spirals. You are here. That is called ‘doing’. So there is only ‘do’ or ‘don’t’ and not try. You are doing E. You’re doing life.

I love you E. And I’m with you always. I will always be with you. I will always love you. You’ll never be alone for you’ll always have me with you.

I believe in you and I know you’ll get there. You will live life.
You will live a life of love.
You will live a life of peace.
You will live life without destruction.
You will live a life of hope.
You will live a life of giving.
You will live a life of rebuilding.
You will live a life of creation.
You will live a life of beauty.
You will live a life of connection – connection to yourself, to others, to your inner consciousness, and the consciousness of the world.
You will live a life of choice.
You will live a life of embracing your responsibilities.
You will live a life without others responsibilities.
You will live a life of freedom.
You will live a life of living.
So long as you’re here, so long as you choose life, you will live life.
You will live a life.

I love you.

Always and forever,

E

Sunday Sunshine and Sparkles – Note in a caravan

Journaling 103 (10) Trigger Warning

Wrote this for an Instagram story.

It feels like too much. With details why.

Edit. MBSR course going well. Weeks been way too hard (as all those whose posts I always comment on – I tend to comment on every post of my folliqers/following will know I haven’t been reading much). CMHT app in 2.5 weeks. Had my friends sign up for the MBSR course. Work has been okay – I think I made a new friend. Freaking out at the moment. Not because tuning out. Trying to journal and do mindfulness every day. Know for sure talk therapy isn’t for me. ACA meeting was good. It’s, just is. Too much. But just is. Dunno where too much with paracetamol lies for it doesn’t feel anything. Haven’t bought any cocodamol this week (which is why I’ve been taking paracetamol). Update over. Oh, and I’m going down to a family meal with guests now where going to be light and easy and friendly.

F:AK – protecting a car from the rain

View this post on Instagram

I parked my car in an outdoor lot. I forgot to roll up my window, because my mind, as always, must’ve been on other things. I came back a long time later — many, many, many days later. Look what a perfect stranger had done for me, in my absence. ⁠ +⁠ Look at the beautiful poem of love that is this note: “Your window was down and the rain was coming. I did my best to help you out. xx — The green truck next to you.” ⁠ +⁠ By the time I saw this note, the green truck was long gone. I will never know who did this for me. But I love you. Thank you for taking the time to do this kind act for a stranger. I’m sitting here in my parked car, unable to drive because there are tears in my eyes. ⁠ +⁠ I am reminded once more of this sacred truth: Never doubt that thousands of invisible hands are helping you at all times. Love is everywhere, even if you can’t see it. The tenderest care will arrive when you least expect it, and from someone whose name you may never know. Thank you, Green Truck. Thank you.⁠ –⁠ via: Elizabeth Gilbert / Facebook⁠ •••⁠ @globalpositivenews⁠ @globalpositivenews⁠ @globalpositivenews⁠ .⁠ .⁠ .⁠ #caring #heartwarming #positivepsychology #globalpositivenews #news #somegoodnews #tanksgoodnews #Positivenews #positivenergy #positivity #onemillionactsofgood⁠ #mademecry #imnotcrying #imnotcryingyouarecrying⁠ #kindness #kindnessmatters #randomactsofkindness #actsofkindness #helpingothers #kindstranger

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What acts of kindness have you seen or done recently? What can you do for someone today?

Journaling 103 (9) TW

I’ve nothing to say.

I wrote 2 more pages in my gratitude journal. Aiming for 2700 for when I’m 27. I’m weird. This is one of the things I journalled about today. I see myself to getting to 2700 gratitudes. I don’t know if there’s a point buying new things or getting the tooth work I need done, done, because who said I’ll be here?

4 years ago, I promised to give life a go for 6 weeks. Do I think I can do that again now? Promise to try for 6 weeks? It doesn’t help to live if I don’t do anything to change it. I don’t want to do anything though. I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I don’t exist. I just. Don’t. Care. I can’t care.

Though I want to be here for M, L, C and N. They’re celebrating their joy with me. I wouldn’t want them to hurt. Also for S times 3. I’m tired.

If I promise myself to try – again – then I’m going to have to actually do something to change it around. I don’t have the energy to do that. But it’s not a choice. It’s either one or the other. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to make this choice again. It’s kinda ironic that it’s suicide prevention week or something like that this week.

So how can I change it around?

I need help. And support. And I wrote a list of what I need to stop using when I wanted to and was ready to stop and just couldn’t coz didn’t have that. People to be there. Someone wrote it up for me in 5 (or 6) words.

  • Support
  • Check ins
  • Journalling
  • Therapy
  • Meditation (she meant mindfulness).

If I’m going to try for 6 weeks it means I’ll have to do them all. I am journalling but nowhere near enough. I can get up early each day.

I am doing mindfulness practice every day and for the next 4 weeks still have the MBSR course, and hoping to repeat the course when it finishes. The person who runs it said she thinks it would be possible. I can’t say I’m perfect for I’m not. But I’m trying to do some practice every morning because if I don’t in the morning I won’t later on.

Therapy – SG said she may be able to help. But she didn’t give details. GP put both referrals through (I wanted to hear back from the HBTT for that would give the support and the check ins. They say you can get someone to cone out to you 3 times a day. Asides from anything else. But that’s irrelevant). I don’t know that I wand therapy per se. I just want people to be there…. so I texted some random person – AP – someone gave me the name of to see if we could speak. Will see what she says, if it’s relevant. MaBe said she’s free end of September. I want to speak to her and see what I think of her. Therapy as in typical talk therapy is a waste of time. I don’t do talking. I process through journaling. Will see.

That’s what I need to stop using. I don’t want to stop using. If I’m going to commit to life for 6 weeks it means trying to put into place what I need to stop. Trying to make it possible to live and be okay.

ACA RSG meetings start this Thursday too. No idea if they will/won’t be helpful. Could be awesome. Could be a complete spiral sender.

People/support. I don’t know how to do that.

And the best is the complete contradiction. For come tomorrow morning I’m teaching at 9.30. And the lesson will be okay. I’ll be present and really there for my student. There is no way I wouldn’t be. Then I need to speak to the SENCo and help her make a plan for that student – more like give her my feedback and thoughts. She values what I have to say too much for my liking. And about another girl who isn’t my student who we need to decide ASAP if she wants me involved with her in school (in which case I won’t be at home. My friends daughter spoke to me and I’ve a lot of thoughts. And being that they think way too much of my thoughts they’ll probably try act on some).

I’d feel guilty to let them down. Yet I also can’t care. I do, though. I care so much about everyone.

So tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of when I promised not to kill myself for 6 weeks. To someone who when the 6 weeks was over disappeared from my life. She is the reason I didn’t kill myself then. I’m not at all grateful to her for it would be so much easier if I weren’t here. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t mind dying.

And I’m kinda sad though I don’t feel sad, just nothing at all, that I’m here. As in back to this place. I haven’t felt this way in I don’t know how long. And if I ever did it was just fleeting.

Ending this here. Really, there is nothing to say.

Sunday Sunshine and Sparkles – letter to the tooth fairy

MBSR (6) – overview of week 4

I’m going to try and do this as an overview, as really I have so much to say about every point.

There were only 6 participants this week (plus 2 training practitioners, and the mindfulness teacher who mostly stays silent).

Started with a 3 stage breathing space. We were meant to do that 3 times a day every day. I did it once during the week… We first looked at how we are wired to live with a negativity bias

Negativity bias scale - 3 positive stars on one side, a small negative on the other, the negative holding the scale down.
Image of character telling the brain to look at a pile of good things, the brain responding not now can't you see I'm busy - whilst looking with a magnifying glass at something negative.
Image showing that we live with a cycle of looking for and solving negative experiences whilst the positive just enters and exits the brain.

We then watched a neuroplasticity video

We split up into breakout rooms then to discuss home practice for 10 minutes. I was with 2 new guys, one whom I feel more comfortable with than the other. We spoke about what we did over the week, and anxiety, and how being aware either lessens it or makes it too much.

Back in the main room we shared what we discussed in the breakout rooms and when asked I said hi. We looked at unpleasant experiences and being that I was anyways freaking out after saying hi I stayed with it (I’ll write more about it). I decided to try use driving as a mindfulness activity. When I drive I get so frustrated behind other drivers or red lights – feeling trapped. Mindfulness (not listening to a practice!) may help. It will be interesting to see.

Next was looking at pleasant experiences. We can focus on pleasant experiences, and what they will do. Then did mindfulness walking – I did it for a couple minutes, then just curled up and listened as the others walked. No space in my toom and I couldn’t do it… so I didn’t.

We had a break. After that we did a mindfulness practice observing thoughts. I shared what I thought after and wasn’t understood but left it (that will be another post. I was so brave speaking!!). And ended off with a FOFBOC practice – grounding yourself by placing your Feet On the Floor, Body On the Chair and being aware of it, before reading this image/poem – autobiography in 5 short chapters. (I had a lot of thoughts on this).

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am.
I get out immediately.
IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V.
I walk down a different street.

This weeks homework is 3 stage breathing space 3 times a day, filling in pleasant experiences diary, mindful walking, mindful activity, and mindfulness practice every day. This morning I listened to some practices for an hour. When I go downstairs now I’ll try be mindful of my walking. I can’t do 10 minutes mindful walking since 10 minutes walking usually leaves me dizzy.