I haven’t yet written to myself today. Brr. It’s cold. Today really didn’t feel so cold.

I dressed up today. Which is massive. Getting dressed for fun. Matching eyeshadow. If not for work on Tuesday I’d have redone my nail varnish. We have off tomorrow. My room is also tidy. Organised a draw too. And I’ve washed some of my clothes. I haven’t done a wash in months.

I saw 2 friends today. One of my friends, she’s really building relationships with people. I see it as incredible. It’s moving forward. And it made me feel jealous too. That she’s sorting out her life. I forget that I have incredible friends. I forget that I’ve built these relationships. I may not turn to them for support. Okay, I don’t. I can’t. That doesn’t take them away. I don’t see myself as moving forward. I don’t know what I see. I do know that I’m not the person I was. I also don’t know it.

I want to make another canvas and I can’t. I specifically want to do an ‘I am’ canvas. When I think about ‘I am’, for example take the words ‘I am enough’ – I’m choosing a tamer example. There’s a part of me that holds that as truth. A part that completely knows the opposite. A part that is curious. A part that wants to believe that. A part that doesn’t want to believe that. If the part of me that held that as truth or wanted to believe that was forefront I could do the canvas. I only draw what’s truth. It isn’t forefront. And I can’t come to a resolution since to come to one way I’d have to engage with it all. Which makes me feel crazy.

Does anyone look ahead in time and see themselves living in the future?

K friend called so answering ♡.


2 thoughts on “27th November 2022

  1. You accomplished quite a bit today, E. Feels good, doesn’t it? Part of it must be excitement about this weekend’s activities. Lots of other feelings mixed in there too, but excitement does play a part.

    Perfectly understandable about your feelings often contradicting each other. It’s part of the jostle we all experience when we’re here and are taking part. At least you have two instincts now, one of them positive.

    Jealousy about your friend’s progress makes sense, but think about it – your friend recognizes in you a kindred spirit, someone sharing common ground. It means that which powers your friend’s accomplishments also exists within you. Like attracts like; it’s just that you have yet to discover your own electricity.

    As seeing myself in the future, I do so all the time. In fact, I definitely spend too much time overthinking things and planning just what I’ll do one week, one month, one year from now, etc.


  2. I also struggle to see myself in the future sometimes. I find it hard to see personal growth in the short-term: weeks, months, even a year. But if I look at five or ten years, I can see more growth.


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