I’m unsure how to reply to a message I received last week. So I thought maybe I’d write here.

I’m writing here because I no longer really use my journal. I started using my journal again to write to myself every day – sometimes I’ve written the letters in my notes. They can be just 2 lines.

A year ago I was looking, again, for a therapist. I wanted to find someone in IFS for I loved everything I ever heard about it. I loved it since IFS uses words for concepts I’ve often tried to explain, and because it made me feel like maybe I’m not crazy. When I wrote this I felt crazy as I wrote here. Learning about IFS and other things changed that – I feel crazy – because it no longer felt like splitting myself.

I began writing here since I couldn’t concentrate on a practice with all these words flying around my head so I thought I’d put it down. Except that I’m trying to go in order instead of just put my thoughts down. I wanted to go in order so it made more logical sense but instead I’m going to just write.

N is who I was in touch with and saw. N missed called me last week and then messaged me that, you know what, I’m going to copy it out here.

Hi E

I just tried to call you, thought it had been a while since we last spoke, wanted to check in. I feel we lost touch a while back… I had tried to call you at some point and got consumed with work and life and havent tried again till now, which I’m sorry about. I can see here that you still have 2 sessions with me. Of you want to talk to me about them, lets try to talk again sometime. If not, you may have a refund.
Id love to continue the work with you just let me know what you’d like to do.

Love, N

I thought I’d respond to her when I’ve headspace, and a lot of the time I’ve very little headspace. Enough that I’m finding it hard to string sentences together – writing isn’t like that. How on earth DO I reply?

In January we had a session just before she went away for a few weeks. At the end of that session she asked me if I’d like to be in touch whilst she was away. I asked her why and she said she thought it was important to be (I asked why but she didn’t answer that. Which bothered me. I knew why it was important. I wanted her to explain her reasoning). I said yes. I didn’t want to do any zoom sessions and I wanted to speak whilst she was away. She said she’d arrange a time that we’d speak for a minutes at the same time every week. I didn’t hear anything from her whilst she was away. I didn’t hear anything until a bit after she back, 17th March, when she sent me a generic email saying she’s back and if I’d like to book a session to book through the link.

She came back in the middle of what was the hardest time of the last month’s – October and my birthday are massive dates to me so will always, not always, but when I anyways am constantly choosing not to die, bring forth the choice again.

I replied that I hadn’t expected to hear from her again and that I’d like to speak before we met. I would see what she said about not being in touch when we spoke. I also had a few things to discuss with her but that I didn’t need to discuss to be okay seeing her. She responded that she’s free on Tuesday in the afternoon, when is good for me. I replied that I’m free anytime from 3. I didn’t get a responses to my email. She didn’t call me that Tuesday (22nd March). 30th March she texted me that she’d try and call around 5 that day. I kept my phone on me but nothing. I took that as I’m never going to hear from her again. On the 25th April I missed a call from her and then the above message.

I haven’t replied since I haven’t had headspace to think of a response. I’d written down the most important things to discuss with her. There were things not on the list too. These we had to discuss to be able to do any future work.

18 Feb
To talk about with N before we do anything.

-Fuzzing out – twice. The first time I thought it was heat. Until 2nd time. She wasn’t aware of anything the second time. I would have wanted her to actually helped me ground myself rather than sitting there the first time I fuzzed out. She knew something even if not what and sat there whilst I was trying to breathe. Unsure what I think. When I told her a bit later I’d fuzzed out she kinda said it’s normal. I’m not sure what I think.
-She said we’d be in touch every week when she was away but she hasn’t actually been in touch.
-When I bring up anything she’s said I feel as though she’s defending herself rather than listening. For example I said about something she said she did that I don’t want her to do since it goes against my beliefs. It wasn’t an attack just a statement. You did this, in future please don’t since it goes against Judaism. And she said she hadn’t said that and doesn’t believe that way etc Which I thought maybe I’d misheard her amd maybe she didn’t do what I thought. Until now I’ve seen enough of her stuff on instagram to know I was right and what she’d said goes against Judaism. It doesn’t bother me that she’d done it. Bothers me that she said she hadn’t. (I’d asked her not to offer anything on my behalf in future). Or when I say she’s said something and ask her what she meant and she says she didn’t say that. It bothers me when I ask why something and she says because it is. There’s always a reason why. You can just say you don’t want to discuss it. Or I told her breathing practices like the ones she’d sent to me wouldn’t work for me and she told me it was a generic email – I tried telling her it was directed to me but she wouldn’t hear it. It was after we’d met that she said she’d send an email tomorrow with some exercises, she sent it the next week. Do you think I don’t know if something says Dear E, and do you think I don’t know the differences between your email addresses?
– The last time we met, afterwards, the questioning reality it brought up. And couldn’t sleep for the next 2 weeks until finally calmed down.

So now – what?

I don’t know what to reply

Why do I like her?

I like N because I like her as a person. I like most of her beliefs. Her understanding of the universe aligns with my understanding and it’s rare to meet that to the extent she does. I like her vibe. And I like most of her beliefs and knowledge. I’ve listened to a lot of her YouTube recordings and asides for what goes against Judaism I like what she says.

I want you all to watch these 2. They made a massive difference to my life.

What I don’t like

The defensiveness when I’ve brought up anything. Not remembering the really important things – for example I told her twice, both before we met, and after 3 times I’d met her, that I was suicidal. I’m pretty certain she never remembered it. When I told her the second time she recalled the original conversation. I don’t like when she doesn’t keep to exactly what she says. She doesn’t remember what she’s said therefore doesn’t follow through on it. If you say you’ll be in touch during the week, be in touch. If you say you’ll email something, do it etc. Or just don’t say it. I’ve chased her up before. And obviously this, where she just disappeared from my life. She doesn’t seem to have any awareness of how she did. I’m not saying I was hurt because I don’t know if I was. I never trusted her enough for her to actually break that trust. So. No trust broken. Had I trusted her. It would be broken. And I’ve been living with a pretty high level of disconnect.

I can’t think of anything else to add for now.

Oh, and the part I have to play. I believe I’m creating and giving off energy that causes others to leave. Why I say that is because this has happened enough times in situations or with people where it’s unlike them. I’ve been trying to consciously put out different energy (which would explain why she called now).


9 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. She’s not consistent and her actions / inactions/ follow up feel very disorienting. It’s also really bad to be suicidal after 3 sessions and she doesn’t remember! It’s really really really bad.

    Now I don’t think you’re forgettable (until my dissociative amnesia kicks in and even my therapist feels like a complete stranger) but I relate to the vibe / energy… I don’t know how to explain well…

    Maybe your firefighters give off those vibe that you’re not distinct. As a way to keep you safe. Blending in eyc, not standing out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yous are right. She’s not consistent and it does feel disorienting.
      It was a conversation before we met when I told her the primary thing I was living with was suicidality, and was she okay with that, and how was she okay with that, how would she handle that. Which she was able to explain well. After the third time we met she asked me what I wanted from future sessions and I told her again about suicide. She hadn’t remembered but remembered when I brought it up.

      Yup re the vibe/energy. It doesn’t need to be because of present protection. And when you know what I mean you know what I mean… I added another sentence to the end. There are 4 other examples I can think of where others have massively let me down. It was this time that made me think it’s the energy. For all of those times, it doesn’t really make sense for it to happen. Nor does it make sense that I’ve read them all wrong. Well one of the 4 didn’t let me down just something that doesn’t make sense unless in this context.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. She strikes me as quite flighty, so I think she will be like this with everyone. Some people might not mind but I can really understand why you so: honesty is so important to you.

    The way I see it, and please feel free to completely ignore!, is that you probably need to decide whether doing IFS with her is doable or worth it, to put up with the flighty part that you don’t like, or whether it’s just too much and she would have to change her flighty-ness for you to be comfortable to work with her. I’m guessing she wouldn’t be able to do that though?

    I’m not sure how much you need to build a therapeutic relationship with certain therapy models, like CBT or EMDR, in the same way you would with other types of psychotherapy? Truth is I don’t know but I just wonder if it’s different in any way like that so thought it worth chewing over with you!

    I can see why you like IFS though, and I liked what she said about the firefighters being protectors because we protect that which we love.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t really have any advice, but it sounds like you have a grasp of why this has upset you and now you just need to think if it’s enough to end the therapy or if you want to reconnect with her. You could google to see if there are other IFS therapists out there who might be a better match before you decide.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. HI Eliza,
    This is a difficult situation. You have to be with someone you have complete confidence. Is she worth another try? Are there others around you can try?
    Sending you love and blessings!


  5. Not holding to your word is definitely something that puts me off, so this whole situation would definitely annoy me. But, if you think she helps you in a way, then, I hope you two can resolve this and make this work.


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