Could write more but tired. Some of what I wrote is in the comments.

Ps. I read all your comments and appreciate them all. I don’t reply most the time because I want to respond properly and don’t have the headspace. I’m not following most blogs. I am thinking of you all…. and would love to hear how you’re doing…

14 thoughts on “Boundaries

  1. Setting boundaries is healthy and also hard. I think it is even harder to do when you are living in the same house as the people you need to set boundaries with (I’m not criticizing your living at home, but rather, appreciating that living at home makes boundary-setting even more difficult).

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    1. Yes to being socialised to be ‘nice’ to family! I hope this is alright to say but I think I read before that you are from an Asian background? I am as well, and I think in our background, family piety is seen as SO important, that any show of independence or boundaries is seen as a rejection of family love, when it’s not like that at all, and we are made to feel guilty and ungrateful for setting boundaries and it makes it extra extra hard.

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      1. Yup, I’m Asian from an Asian background too and I definitely agree with you. I think I once did some research on the link between filial piety and tolerance of maltreatment as well. It’s definitely hard when barraged with messages that we’re unfilial, ungrateful etc. Some of my friends have abusive family who get their medical team to harass them for payment and “they’re your family, how dare you treat them so badly?” and they have to “prove” they’re not unfilial etc by disclosing abuse histories in graphic detail.

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        1. Yeah I can definitely see how it would make facing up to abuse even more difficult, that sounds so hard. But really interesting – I’d love to read any of your research if you ever wrote about it – talking about it helps to make it easier for everyone, bit by bit šŸ™‚

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  2. I have read till the end of the post and know what you mean when you write about boundaries. Most of my life I haven’t even really had a room of my own and even if so, then I wasn’t allowed to lock it or just couldn’t because I had no keys. And this goes of course way deeper than just a room.
    Like with denying feelings or opinions and such things, instead of trying to understand.
    Because I have heard from others how they are and what they do and because I listened and observed a lot, I knew that it wasn’t okay what happened to me, but yea…
    When I was with others, I usually respected their boundaries. At least in a way it was normal for them. And sometimes I found myself a little lost and confused. But for me it was clear, when someone closes a door, that they usually did on purpose, although I also wasn’t asked or on the other hand even asked multiple times because I said no, until I would say yes or feel bad about not opening. While it should have been up to me to whether I want to open or not. Until my key got taken away so I had to find other ways to block the door. In my own house. Maybe I told that already, I am not sure. I write these things because I went through similar things in some ways and know what all of it did to me and I am barely alive and can’t believe myself very often that I really got through all that somehow.

    About your photo, I like the picture, but combined with the message I see holes in an otherwise solid rock / mountain thing. It is beautiful to look at, that you can drive through it with a boat maybe or swim through it, but it also looks terrifying and dangerous because it could all collide and bury everything beneath. Like a hole in the stomach or the heart. And it seems that if this column / pillar (thing in the middle of the cave / hole, wouldn’t be there, the whole thing would have collapsed a long time ago. There are different ways to see a thing, whether you look just at the texture or the deeper meaning within, sometimes obvious, maybe too obvious.

    Thank you for reading and as always, no need to answer or anything. šŸ’œ

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  3. Totally agree with you, and that’s one of the things that we have done in raising our six-year-old. From the start, our attitude was ~ don’t do things to her that we wouldn’t want done to us, regardless of what age she is. I can’t say that we’ve been perfect in the department, and, obviously, as parents we have to lay set boundaries against her preferences… but that is still our intention.

    Shabbat shalom šŸ•ÆļøšŸ•Æļø,
    David

    P.S. I’m a bit confused about the names. You are “Eliza” (not really, but on this platform) correct? And who is ‘E’?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh that would be confusing… I call myself E because it’s my initial, in this case someone else initial led E. Actually I’d changed the name of my blog to cut out the Eliza if I knew how.
      I love what you’re doing parenting! I think there is no such thing as perfect parents, just good enough parents.
      Shabbat shalom!!

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  4. I really relate to this! I live at home as well with a mother who means well but doesn’t really respect boundaries – totally the same approach of ‘well if it’s better for you, I’ll do it, regardless of what you say’. Same with the tidying my room thing! The worst was when she got overly involved in my mental health care, arranging different doctors for me who just weren’t right. I know she really meant the best for me but she thought she could sort it out better than I could so ignored me when I told her not to get involved, and even now she gets really upset and doesn’t understand when I don’t want her to help me. It’s extra hard when they’re just trying to look after you, and you setting boundaries looks like rejecting their love to them (even though it’s not actually like that at all).

    Really glad you can realise that it’s healthy to set boundaries though. Sending you the best šŸ™‚

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