I’ve been thinking about what I want. And I guess coz today I’m okay, today I want help.

I want to want to stop messing up. I want to want to stop ODing constantly.

E, what will happen if you stop taking paracetamol?
It’s not safe to.
It’s not safe to stop ODing?
Right
Why?
Because I need it
Why do you need it?
It lets me play with death
What will happen if you stop playing with death?
I’ll have to live in the world
What will happen if you live in  the world?
I don’t know how to.
But E, you lived in the world.
I did. And it wasn’t safe.
So ODing gives you safety?
It gives me the illusion of death, which gives me safety.
Are you ready to live in the world?
No.
But you’re ready to be ready to?
Yes
So where do you go from here?
I don’t know.
Where do you want to go?
I want to go both ways. Towards life, and towards death.
Which way are you choosing?
Do I have to choose?
Well, kind of. Yes, you do have to choose. Because if you don’t choose, you ARE choosing.
I want both
I know you want both. You don’t need to give up on either side at the moment. Why do you want life?
I don’t want to hurt others.
E, why do you want life for yourself?
I don’t know that I do.
If there was no one in the world but you, would you choose life or death?
I don’t know.
K. Why do you want death?
Relief. Peace. No need to fight. No need to try.
Why do you want life?
I don’t.
Why don’t you want death?
It’s giving up.
E, are you scared to say that there’s a possibility you could want life?
Yes. Because that’s giving up on death.
Which are you choosing?
How do I make that choice?
E. You don’t need to change your actions. You can choose death and still live. You can choose life and still overdose, and self harm and throw up. But you do need to make a choice. You do need to either choose death and stop trying to get help, or choose life and figure out how you’ll get there.
I chose life so many times and it didn’t get me anywhere.
I know. You tried to stop so many times and you chose life, and you didn’t have the help to make it possible.
I’m just tired.
I know you are tired. That’s normal. And okay.
I don’t know what I want.
It’s not about what you want. It’s which choice you’re making.
I’m scared to say that I choose life.
Do you choose death?
No.
So you’re not choosing death, and you’re not actually choosing life either.
Yes.
You need to choose.
It’s sorta a choice.
Okay. So which do you want to walk towards?
Making life possible.
How will that be possible?
I don’t know.
What do you need to make it possible to walk towards life?
I don’t know.
What does ‘life’ look like to you?
Being okay. Living life on life’s terms. Not using or ODing. Not self harming. Not living with destruction. Having friends I’m in touch with. Having healthy relationships. Knowing where I’m heading. Studying. Living in my own apartment. Dating. Not wanting to be dead. Living life.
That sounds good E. How will you get there?
I don’t know.
What needs to happen for you to get there?
I need to be okay within myself and within the world. I need to be able to handle whatever happens, whatever I feel. I need to actually know what I feel. And feel altogether.
What needs to happen for you to get there?
Live in the world without destruction. Which isn’t possible.
What would make living without destruction possible?
I don’t really know.
I guess learning how to live and be okay in the world. Enough support.
What does enough support look like?
Kinda nearly 24/7.
Is that what you want?
I want to want it.
What do you want right now?
To stop fighting.
To stop fighting what?
I want the battle in my head to be silent. I want to stop living trapped. I feel like I’m trapped between life and death, trying to give both sides a voice, and it makes me so so tired. I want to live without that.
Would therapy help?
I don’t know. I process most things on my own. It could help by giving a safe space. If it’s safe that is. But. But it wouldn’t help me to stop living with both.
Why not?
Coz it’s not enough. Coz speaking to someone once a week isn’t enough. And won’t make it okay.
What about twice a week?
Also not enough.
Would therapy help in the future?
Yes. If it was more than once a week, and if I could do it with writing, and if we could be in touch in between. But. I don’t know. Coz it’d probably take me a year to trust someone, and by the time I build a relationship with them, it’s over.
Olay. Forget about  that E. Are you ready to do what it takes to get to another side?
I’m ready to be ready to. I don’t know. Depends what it involves. But I’m ready to work towards getting there. Like. I know I have to stop ODing. I’m not ready to. I’m ready to make it possible to stop.
What would make it possible to stop?
Enough support. Not needing it.
Thanks for your honesty.

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38 thoughts on “Dialogue that says nothing”

  2. Wow. E asks some amazing questions with such wisdom and although is so forthright, is kind and careful with it.
    E would make a brilliant therapist!
    You need to see a therapist like E.

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    1. I know, right? I’ve got some truly awesome dialogues written down, somewhere (in the 20 journals I have). The best part of it is that in the past (not whilst living with destruction) I’d begun to hear that voice in my head. Both from letters and dialogue journaling.

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          1. The stuff you say, both here in your dialogue (not the first time I’ve seen that) but also the pears of wisdom and insight you throw my way sometimes.

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  3. Ditto the two previous comments. I didn’t see the word “trust” in the post – I’m guessing because past trust has been found untrustworthy (even your trust in yourself). If I were a therapist, I would beg you not to give up on trust. Keep seeking it despite past betrayals, because unless you find it, it seems to me you’re not doing much more than killing time, which is a helluva way to live.

    Take care.

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    1. Thank you mm. I don’t trust. But trust is important. I’d love to be able to.
      Happy new year! I hope to be reading (and laughing through) your posts this year. Hoping I’ll get more headspace…

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  4. It’s good that you’re thinking like this.

    Re: therapy and processing, sometimes it’s helpful to have a different perspective.

    I think that the type of support you want in therapy IS possible, but you may have to look around for it. Also, it would almost certainly be in the private sector. Is that an option for you? Some therapists offer means-related fees.

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  5. Truly insightful and productive!

    Was the word “change” written? That’s the scariest for me? Maybe because it’s givin’ up (again), or admittin’ defeat (again)?

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  6. What a profound conversation! Thank you for sharing these steps. As someone who wanted to die for about forty years, and have only just shaken it off, I do see great work going on here. I have no profound secret of success myself, as it just went away, and even though I’m still pretty hard on myself, I have been learning to change. I’m thankful that you are learning, too, and that self-harm surely won’t be your path forever. Please remember that things can change, or be changed, stay the same for years, transform entirely or develop in interesting ways. Wishing you safe and prosperous ways ahead.

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      1. Getting older helped, and making peace with my past mistakes, while forgetting them did, too. I also did learn to really believe Jesus, even though I had been raised a regular, church going Christian, overwhelmed. I did actually only try to kill myself once at about age late, but it woke me up. That’s not exactly when I had my big moment of faith, though, except to quit swallowing extra pills that time, but later when I grew up and got baptized by immersion, of my own decision, not anybody else’s. That’s what really made a change, but I’m still not perfect. I keep trying, and taking my meds, and pledging every day to exercise but not always doing it. Life is hard, my friend, for everyone, but I pray that you and me and all of us might stay blessed! Change and healing is possible, every rotten, stinkin’ yet holy day. 😉 Please keep writing, and reading books. I believe in you, too! Take care. 🙂 Thanks for asking what brought the change, please forgive my clumsy answer. 🐱🐶🐢🐸🐯 oh yeah, also pets!

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          1. Thanks, E! Hope you are feeling good today. I look forward to checking out your blog soon! Truly, I do love your courageous writing. I’m glad that things have been improving, mainly because I don’t want the world to lose your voice! Take care, lovely lady!

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  7. This is… deep. I’m not really sure what to say- except that, I’m very, VERY sure you will live that life you spoke about. Your own apartment, not ODing, dating. I believe in you, E. Always will.
    Peace be with you!
    stay sticky,
    [pbs}

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  9. I also, as you might have seen, process things on my own and usually had to. Maybe not everyone has that, wants that or can do that, I don’t know, but for me it always was like this and had to be this way. Since trust was something very rare for me. A therapy while talking or writing with someone who might not really be interested in my case or if so, won’t be able to understand me anyway, seemed also pointless and even more harmful for me. I would also want to have some friends and some kind of always possible or existing support, while I then wouldn’t need it. With a real friendship these things should actually be all there. I think most friendships are only on a “professional” level or go to a certain point and when you then say or do something beyond this point (wherever it or whatever that might be), it is over or broken.
    (And I am just sharing my thoughts, so yea… ignore it, when it doesn’t help :/ )
    Sometimes just being kinda “unbound” to my current situation, helped me to at least calm down. Sadly, it was not long enough to even start healing and figuring things out. Like you wrote about your relationship, when it gets good it is over. This year I was finally able to take time for myself, so I could (mostly) do what I want the whole year and it was helping me immense. But I was of course still alone in a way. Luckily found people here, like you, which was helpful and made me feel less like a complete pointless piece of shit, no one needs. And I was also having phases in which I freaked out, had some kind of psychosis or such things. But because I was able to go through it, without the need to hold something back, because of work or something, I could find a way through it again. The more you had to hold back and the longer, the heavier it can be.
    This year I focused on my problems and found more than I expected or even knew were possible, in a way, because of all what happened with me and around me and then resulted in my (often) broken state of mind. Nature was in my childhood also a very good way to handle things, to feel good, process things or just escape the problems for some time. It really helps more than it seems, to be surrounded by nature, plants and maybe some animals can have a great positive impact a lot of people don’t even recognize. I think would you be able to just say: “I am done with this shit. I need to take care of myself now!” and then also would get this safe space and support you want and would also need, then you could really find life and also what was keeping you from it, what hurt you and made you feel or not feel the way you are now or still are. And I wouldn’t want to read or hear that you are all of a sudden not here anymore, that you died. I know from other people and also my own experience, that it will and can get very scary and also painful, once you start really just taking time for yourself, open up about everything more and more. It is a must to be not alone with this because being all by yourself (at least feeling this way, although you might be surrounded by family or other people) can then actually lead to you killing yourself. When there was a lot of pain and trauma and such things and you build all these inner walls or ways to distract from it, like I did, breaking them all down, will not only give you all your feelings back, but also all these painful things. And so, although it sounds maybe paradox for some people, starting to process these things and healing them, can lead to suicide. Right now you are in between, as you said or at least feel like it. But when you will be able to really process everything, you might get closer to life, but also extreme feelings. (At least from my experience). Just so you know because while going through it I almost took my life and multiple times thought about it, while almost doing it. Because it was so intense and I felt like an unwanted mess no one would ever want, especially not like that (with all the things in my mind).
    I really write this because I don’t want to lose you and also want to give you hope, that it is possible for you to live and that you or we can do this. Should I be able to make something which would help you and me and others, I will let you know. But right now it is still very hard for me to do anything beyond writing, doing a few spontaneous things and just keep on going and staying alive, basically. Hopefully soon I will be able to push through.
    You want to be free and live, I also want that, but it seems so damn hard and scary with everything around us, all these dependencies, which shouldn’t be. In case you should be able to take a year off or make a change like this, it can completely change your world view (again?) and help a lot, as it also can get weird. Hopefully it gave you something and was not just me again writing a lot of shit you don’t need or is confusing… 🤗💜

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  10. I like how you write what you want things to be like. Little steps can add up. The idea of therapy more than once a week by writing is interesting. As I read your dialogue, I wanted to ask additional questions on some items which is something a therapist might be willing to do. Like, what’s one step you could take that might move you in that direction? Keep writing!

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  11. Oh, no, Eliza. This dialogue says so much more than “nothing.” Nope, I’m calling “shenanigans” on that one.

    Yes, destruction is part of life, but so too is its inevitable successor, creation. Our choice, and we always have one, is which of the two we select. Which one, through our efforts, and through ours alone, we give that nudge that lifts it past 50%.

    Come on, Eliza, if all of us put our hearts into it, we can make it happen!

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  12. This isn’t nothing. This dialogue says so much. It says that you are making progress and you are trying and, I think it does say that there is a a life you are looking forward to and want to take the steps and get the help to get there. That’s huge. *Hugs*

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