She got me thinking. Someone I was chatting to online through a service. About why I don’t tell SE (my sister) what’s going on in my life. She said she gets the sense it may be to protect her. And I think she’s right.

Why don’t I tell her?

Am I scared of how she’ll react? No. I’m not scared of her reaction. She’ll be supportive.

Am I scared of what she’ll think? No. She wouldn’t be that surprised. She knows I’ve been messing up. And what with. That I’ve been speaking to my GP about it. That I’m trying to get help. She knows a lot. Just not what it means. She doesn’t know the ramifications it could have had. She doesn’t know that I’m surprised I’m still here.

Why not?

I definitely do want to protect her. I don’t want her to live with fear.

She may also get over protective. Which I really do not want. Though I think I could handle that. It’s more.. I felt so guilty when TC told me she was glad I was there to get the parcel she had sent to me. She’d been scared I wouldn’t be here to get it. Guilty not as in that I did anything wrong. Sad for scaring her. I know I’ve scared E before. When RL emailed asking me to respond. I didn’t feel guilty for that was her choice to worry. But like, there’s no way for me to say they had no reason to worry.

I have the means to end it if I want. Not that I think it would work. I’m still here after all… But it’s not practical. Because I’ve chosen to live.

I’ve lived with death for what feels like so long. During the past months most of the time I knew I wasn’t going to make it. Now I think I probably will. I don’t care what happens to me. I do care that SE shouldn’t live in that fear. I’m glad she didn’t. I’d never want to cause that pain to her. If I do die, she’ll know I chose life. For I told her so after that discussion we had.

SE knows what I’m like with relationships. She knows because she’s my sister. She knows because she lives like me. I find it really funny when she tells me thought patterns that are unhealthy, that I no longer live with to the same extent. I found it surprising at first. I’m no longer surprised. The biggest surprise was because I live with less black and white thinking, and more. I’ve worked on it a lot. And yet I’m the one destroying my life.

She lives with anxiety as it is. Mainly health anxiety, but anxiety too. She’d panic. I mean, she thought about who would be most impacted by her death in order often at night. She didn’t say this part, but because she’s often scared she’s going to die. For if her stomach hurts at all or she’s feeling slightly nauseous, or if she’s tired. Or if anything at all. Maybe it’s an illness and she’s going to die. I thought about who I cared to die on. Not in order of who would be most impacted. And that was only when M’s kids were coming home so I didn’t want to die on them because I’m one of the only adults in their lives who are really there for them. I’m there for both M’s kids. I stepped back from MSa’s kids for a while at one point when I was certain I’d be dead soon. I didn’t want them to be hurt more than they would anyways be. The closer I am to them the more they’d be hurt. I don’t care dying on MSa herself. Because she’d know that I was at peace. And she’d be happy for me.

Gah. I want more. But according to the arbitrary limit I’ve set for myself I’ve only 4 left for today. And I really want to keep to that limit.

I’ve gone off topic.

So why don’t I want to tell SE?

I don’t care so much about the actual telling. We’ve built up enough trust in our relationship. In many ways she has made herself a lot more vulnerable than I have. Whatever I’ve shared, mainly I share facts. Well, that’s also because I don’t live with feelings. My feelings range from nothing to too much. I don’t want her to know.

I don’t think she’ll think less of me. I trust her not to discuss it with anyone. Although if I’d ever share really with her I’d try do it a day before she’s speaking to her therapist. Give her that back up and security. Although she’d probably anyways spend the time after I tell her texting her back and forth. She’d panic. She’d freak out. I couldn’t do it to her.

If I’d need her to be there for me maybe I’d ask her. There were definitely times I should have gone to the A&E. I didn’t because I’d rather have been dead. I could easily have asked her to come with me. If my GP would tell me to go – if my blood results were really messed up would he tell me to? I doubt it, but you never know. I’d think of asking her.

Hmm. There’s another point. I don’t want our relationship to be that kind of relationship. There’s no way it wouldn’t change it. And I don’t want our relationship to be like that. I want it to be the equal relationship it is. I want my sister for my sister. If I was ever asking anyone it’d be MSa, but it’s not relevant.

So those are the 2 reasons I wouldn’t just tell SE what’s going on in my world. I’m not sure which is bigger. I think both of them, even without the other, are enough of a reason for me. That unless the need to tell her was worth more I wouldn’t tell her. 1. I don’t want to scare her. Or I like the words to protect her. 2. I don’t want to change our relationship which it inevitably would. I think actually that the first is bigger. I care more about her not living with the fear, than I do about changing our relationship. Ultimately our relationship would balance in time. I’ve changed my mind. If changing our relationship were my only reason maybe I’d tell her.

I didn’t take a couple more yet. So yay me I guess. And I’ve a call with someone soon. We’re going to discuss the intro to the yellow ACA workbook. Am I crazy to work through the steps? I feel a bit like we are. Especially as it says for some parts to discuss it with a sponsor or counsellor of which I have neither.

I saw this and appreciated it…

11 thoughts on “Ramblings

        1. It’s all good. I’m not usually aware that I am… the other night after writing for 2 hours I realised it had been a thought spiral that truggered it. It’s good for me to see when I am. Coz when there’s awareness something can change.

          Liked by 1 person

            1. But of course! I think most people mean to be kind, and I know you are kindness itself. It’s helpful. If I could write for a week straight maybe I’d get some of it all out my head – not that it’d change my nature, but there’s just so much that’s come up that until I put it down it goes round and round. Somehow once I put it down it doesn’t have to go around anymore. And we’re not talking about processing here!

              I’ve learnt a lot this past week. If I can manage not to mess up over it but let it be instead, it’ll be good.

              Liked by 1 person

  1. That’s the thing, Eliza, your life isn’t about just what you’ve built yourself, but in all the interactions you’ve inspired. Each day you add to both columns.

    That’s frustrating, not being able to open up to certain people because you worry about burdening them. That’s noble of you, and it’s also a tough conundrum. Unfortunately, I don’t have a response at the ready. I’ll have to think about this some more.

    In the meantime, isn’t that at least of some comfort, knowing these people do sympathize with you, and that, if needed, they’d be all-too-eager to make your burden their own? If so, that realization is progress of a sort, isn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

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