I’ve been writing a lot the past few days. Supposedly writing by hand is better, but I’m doing it here. Not writing about anything to process. Writing to get it out of my head. All the words that spin round and round and don’t stop swirling.

Yesterday I wrote for 2 hours about school. It wasn’t anything major. As in I didn’t write anything I don’t know. I didn’t get any insights. I just got some of the words somewhere better than my head.

I don’t know why I’m writing this now. What I even want to say. If I want to say anything. Does it make a difference? Not really. No. It doesn’t make a difference.

Woke up at 5. It’s 7.43 now. So I wrote my gratitudes. I’m up to 1700. Still in bed. But well, duh, I really hope to go back to sleep. But maybe it’s better to stay up.

Start work again next week. I’m kinda dreading it, and also trying to just live in the moment. Right now I don’t have work. Right now I’m okay. And you never know, work may be awesome. I’m not worried about working. I enjoy my job. It’s just that not working has taken a massive pressure off my head. I’ve more headspace. I’m more patient and give more time to the people who use so much energy just being around.

36 thoughts on “

  1. Is it possible for you to think about getting signed off work for a for a while, if you’re doing better with stress. It just seems a critical time to look after yourself, especially if you’ve been able to seriously reduce your paracetamol. I don’t mean forever, but just as a temporary measure, maybe while you wait for your appointment in 3 weeks time or a bit beyond? I just wonder if your life and your safety is more important. I mean I KNOW it is, but what I mean is I wonder if it would make a significant difference to you that way. If so, maybe worth considering?

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I planned on asking my GP yesterday, but forgot to so left a message for him. The secretary called me back saying it should be fine to go to work. So I kinda think my best bet is to just go and if by Thursday (start Tuesday) it makes a difference, call him up again. I don’t really know what will be until I try. I’m also letting school down by stopping. Enough that is consider coming in for one of my students either way – for her sake, not the schools. If I don’t know how it will e, then maybe I should try first.

      I’m not honestly sure what the right thing is but feel a bit like I was led this way.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Of course, you have to do what is right for you. But if it makes you stressed to the point of losing your equilibrium and beginning to take paracetamol again, it’s just not worth it. No job, no school, no person is worth jeopardising your life like that for.
        I wonder if the GP has said, “Goodness me, whatever are you thinking of going into to work until you’re much safer, definitely stay at home for a while to gain your strength for life until help comes,… would you feel under the same pressure to go? It may be that you prefer the idea of going because you gain some reward for being at work that you miss, and in which case what the GP (or anyone else, me included!) does or doesn’t say, matters not. What’s important is that YOU’RE okay. I think school would rather you were not there and not taking paracetamol, then struggling in and slowly doing serious damage to yourself.
        Anyway, maybe it’s a thought for a backup plan. If you feel led that way then I wouldn’t want to block that! You’re a wise person and I’m sure you’ll be constantly weighing it all up in your head, reassessing it if you need to 🤗

        Liked by 2 people

        1. No. I actually feel this way too. But the 2 people in real life who I ask for advice. K, I’ll ask my rabbi again. It could well be that being at home won’t be a good idea, because being in isolation means there’s no pressure, if I’m home and not in isolation, I’ll have others putting pressure on me, so not sure that’s going to help… (unless I move out and get a car, which is on the cards, but not this moment). I’ll ask a couple people and see.
          I feel also as though if I go to work and mess up at all, my GP will have every right to give me a sick note, whereas otherwise he won’t. Dunno. Stop doubting myself…

          Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes, work can take away a lot from us. Even if we enjoy what we do.
    Last weekend I pulled out a notebook and just wrote. Like you – what was in my head. I was stunned at how many pages I produced. So weird.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. At first I was delighted not to have to work and my stress levels went down but lately I have missed my colleagues and the sense of achievement. I hope you enjoy going back to work – gives us all a reason to get out of PJs…💕

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Hi, Eliza. Forgive the aside, but writing by hand is so cool. Often, I despair it’s becoming a lost skill, but not when people like you keep it vital.

    As for the larger question, the relevance of what you write, don’t worry. We as a species love to communicate, and consequently we jot down everything, of varying “importance.” What you’ve contributed recently is consequential, your doubts notwithstanding.

    For one thing, it helps you organize your thoughts, and it stirs them to action. Among the deeds, you’ve engaged us and you started a long days-long conversation.

    Not bad.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You have 1700 gratitudes?! Wow! I’m impressed! Great idea to keep a running list, if that’s how you’re doing it. Since you enjoy your job and don’t want to isolate, I wonder if there’s a way to keep working, but decrease the stress. Maybe decrease hours or responsibilities? Take good care of you either way!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s not the responsibility… I have to think on it. I love my job. It’s just a pressure and I’m shattered. Even today after teaching only half an hour. And they worked really well. If they didn’t work and didn’t learn I’d have a reason for it. Here’s it’s just the act. Uses so much energy that I don’t have. But I don’t want to stay home not in isolation for I already have the pressure when I’m home from my mother. And at the moment June is probably safer for me then moving out. So every option is a non option. So… dunno. One day.

      Liked by 1 person

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