I’ve been meaning to write for a while. I’m in that space where I haven’t been posting on instagram either. There’s so much to say. And. I don’t know. Too much. It’s after midnight. I should be going to sleep. And I hate posting on these days because Friday is a kindness post and Sunday is a sunshine post. I want to keep it that way.

I want to wrote properly but will share a couple Instagram posts about responsibility. That’s really what I wanted to write about anyways. I was hoping that if I start writing about it here I’d be able to formulate my thoughts, my words, a lil bit more.

I’m sharing the posts in chronological order. I hope to be able to write more sometime as it’s through putting it down that I’ve begun to understand it. Maybe I’ll write another post (Haha for I’ll share them again for making it make sense to me).

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This morning I was journaling about responsibility. I made the second picture to make it clear that of course I have responsibilities. Although this is relevant to NY entire life I was referencing a specific childhood friend. I grew up responsible for F (friend). My life was giving to her what she needed, doing what she wanted, regardless of the detriment to me. Recently, as in the past month, I've let go of responsibility to sis. That brought up really clearly the responsibility I take for F. F calls and asks me for my help, and I'm unable to say no. I do what she asks. Because it's easy for me to do and why not. I resent it too because I don't have a choice. When I'm unable to she tells me not to worry. Um, hello. I don't need her to tell me not to worry. It's not my responsibility… Yesterday she called me and asked me to do something. I said no. I just said I'm sorry but I can't do it. There's a lot of guilt. It's a 5 minute job on the internet that is easy for me to do. She doesn't have internet access and with lockdown can't just go elsewhere to do it. Yet it's not kay responsibility. It. Is. Not. My. Responsibility. F is not my responsibility. I grew up being responsible for F. It was easier for the adults to allow me to take responsibility – even though it negatively impacted my life – because they either ignored it, or because I was taking the responsibility off them. Letting go of responsibility towards sis made me aware that I don't need to say yes to F. She expects it. I expect it. I resent it. And. It's not my responsibility. Is it really the right thing for me to say no? Not to give when I so easily can and it doesn't harm me in any which way? I'm not the 7 year old giving in to F at her expense. I'm not the 11 year old left on the sidelines because of F. I'm not the 18 year old going where I don't want to go with F. I'm not the 22 year old leaving when I want to stay with F. I'm not going to do what hurts me as it is. Or impacts me. I've learnt not to. This is easy stuff in my spare time. And I said no. I said no. Because I can say no. Because I just don't want to say yes. Is it the right thing? I don't know… … cont

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Dear E I'm proud of you E. I'm proud of you for saying no to F – yes, I'm proud. I'm proud even though you could so easily have helped her. I'm proud even though the no was purely for the sake of saying no. You're allowed to say no just because. You're allowed to say no to something you don't want to do. However easy it may be. I'm proud of you for putting yourself first. I'm proud of you for saying no to M yesterday. Even though she was disappointed. You put yourself first. You aren't creating an unhealthy dynamic. If you say yes when you don't want to you're creating an unhealthy relationship. You're allowed to say no. Your needs, even your wants, always come first. Your want comes before some else's need. Of course sometimes you can put their need first. But only if it's a choice. Only if you're choosing it. If you're putting their need first because you feel that you have to, you're ruining the relationship. That's why saying no to F was, is, important. Because you never feel like you have a choice. If you felt like you had a choice you wouldn't resent helping her. If it was a choice you would be happy to help. You've not been happy to help for you knew you had to. And E, you don't have to. You never have to do anything for anyone. You always come first. Once you've put yourself first, you can give to others. Once you can say no, you can say yes. And you can say yes to things that are hard for you to do, or that you'd rather not do. Because when it's a choice you can put someone else's needs before your wants, and be happy about it. I love you E. And I'm proud of you. I'm with you always. I'll always be with you. I'll always stay with you. Nothing you ever do can ever take me away from you. Love you E. Always and forever. E. #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #journalingismytherapy #responsibility #responsibilities #lettinggo #selfcare #selflove #selfhealers #selfhealer #selfhealing #innerchildhealing #innerchild #innerchildwork #soberliving #sobriety #addiction #addictionrecovery #recovery #adultchildrenofalcoholics #narcoticsanonymous #acoa #acarecovery #overdoserecovery #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewishblogger

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I've been writing a lot about responsibility. Whether I'm responsible or not. Shared some on @e.journeytolife . The more I'm writing the more I'm seeing. I said no to someone I've only said no to when I'm unable to help her. For the past month I've been saying no to someone I've gone out my way for almost always. I'm not saying I don't feel at all guilty! But that I think I'm seeing a bit of where it comes from. I've always been responsible for others. I know I've written about it here before. I think some of it is also the point that if I exist, it has to be for others. If I'm doing for others it justifies my existence, makes it okay that I'm living, breathing, taking up space in the world. Which, I don't. I'm allowed to say no. I'm allowed to exist. In my own right. Do I believe that? Not really. I'm seeing it. I will believe it. #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthwarrior #mentalhealthblogger #mentalhealthrecovery #mentalhealth #bpdwarrior #addictionrecovery #selfharmrecovery #bpdrecovery #addictionwarrior #anxiety #socialanxiety #eatingdisorderrecovery #suicidality #suicidal #suicidalideation #living #relationships #navigatingrelationships #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewish #adultchildrenofalcoholics #innerchild #cptsd #ptsd

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And this is something I often feel.

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I never just wanted to be a part of the groups there were. I'd feel left out. Know I wasn't worth it. That there was something wrong with me that those people seemingly struggling with the same as me, who I was there for, could be there for each other, but not for me. The past few months have shown me something. On my blog I've met some new people. People I didn't know before. People who I did know but never identified with. People who took the time to respond to what I wrote. People who were there… I've learnt who my people are, and it's not whom I would have expected at all. Some of these people were those who I've never read anything of theirs before. And plenty of people I'd been there for weren't there. Just weren't. Creating your own community. I've always been a misfit. I've always been an anomaly. My friends in life are very different to each other. Although they're friends with each other. This tells you who I am! If you're a friend of mine you feel close to all my friends and likely become real friends with them too. It's just how I work…. my friends become friends. So. My people. It's weird to say that because I really don't turn to others. The people I like and appreciate, I hope they know I do. I'm learning to. And are here I am a bit. Beginning to. Definitely more than I ever did. What I was saying was that people. For people in my life I can give a prototype but honestly there is none. Genuineness is the one thing that draws me to everyone. And once I count you as a friend, I'll be your friend forever and ever amen unless you do a lot to ruin it, and even then I'll really care about you. Who are your people? Who are you grateful for? #mentalhealthjourney #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #mentalhealthrecovery #relationships #buildingrelationships #navigatingrelationships #understandingrelationships #innerchildhealing #innerchild #innerwisdom #innerconsciousness #selfhealing #ptsd #cptsdwarrior #cptsdrecovery #attachmenttrauma #bpdwarrior #anxietywarrior #socialanxiety #eatingdisorderwarrior #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #trustyourself #innerwisdom #selfcare #selflove #mindfulness #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth

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27 thoughts on “Relationships, boundaries, responsibility”

  2. Eliza, we all need to set boundaries, to learn to say “no,” and to form a circle of friends. You are doing the work! 🙂 🙂 🙂 ❤ ❤ ❤ Have a great week! *******

    I watch my son struggling with his issues, but I see him making progress too. 🙂

    It's not easy!

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  3. These are some good thoughts Eliza. You wrote that you are drawn to people who are genuine and it sounds like you are just wanting the freedom to be genuine yourself. If your heart isn’t in doing something and you are just going to end up feeling resentful you should absolutely say “no”.

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          1. Oh trust me I’m not brave but for some reason in that moment because of all the strange dream circumstances I felt God with me. If only I could be in that place more often. Saying “no” has been a lifelong struggle for me. I okayed you’re access hopefully you don’t have any restrictions now. Let me know if you still have an issue.

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            1. I don’t have restrictions from that account but when I open from my email it leads me to the app… so you know… basically I can only open from a different app that I don’t really use at the moment. I’m not really checking up or following blogs at the moment but today I’ve had headspace all day!! I’m glad because I loved seeing what you had to say.

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  4. saying “no” is hard, but it’s absolutely necessary. it’s great that you’ve learnt (learning?) to say no!! and, you aren’t responsible for many things. claiming that responsibility is a burden, and it’s awesome seeing you letting it go.
    prioritize yourself- which you’re doing!! amazing!!
    this was a wonderful post. i’m so proud.

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  7. You know what the funny thing is, Eliza? Saying “no” represents encouraging progress in more than one sense.

    For one thing, it invests your “yeses” with much more worth. When we agree to everything, that consent becomes routine and automatic. As such, whatever good there is is diluted. Seriously so. When you think about the request, and say “yes” only some of the time, that really means something. Those affirmations, when you release them, become full, conscious decisions.

    Not only that, but it shows a healthy regard for the type of person you are. In saving your cooperation for the right moment, you invest it with vigor. Thus, you give the impulse life. The recipient savors the attention, and you feel good providing it.

    Plus, it adds positivity to a world that desperately can use it. The goodness it generates will come back to you (with interest), Eliza!

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  8. Saying no is important!
    There’s a quote about how saying no is often more powerful than saying yes…
    While I wouldn’t entirely agree, saying no is at least as important as saying yes!
    Easing yourself of that responsibility is great, it should never become too heavy to carry
    We’ll always be “your people”
    💙💙💙

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