Saying yes, taking responsibility, gave me the right to exist. K, so I’m speculating here, but I’m trying to put my thoughts into words, and either it’s true, or it’s not. I’m going to put it down. And it could be I’ll turn around one day and say that this is nonsense.

I grew up feeling responsible for others.

I grew up feeling guilty for existing. The guilt comes from the fact that through existing, by living, I’m hurting others. That’s not just speculation or a kids thoughts. It’s still the reality today. By existing I’m hurting someone. By living I have hurt people. Not through anything I did. Just through existing. One of those people have changed a lot. I no longer hurt her through my existence. I’m not blaming myself here. I never did anything wrong. That person was threatened by my existence. I did nothing to cause that. It was her issue. She’s changed. The person I still hurt through existing has special needs, mental health difficulties etc and will not be able to change. The fact is I hurt her by living. I don’t think I feel guilty for it any longer. I used to. By now I know it’s not my problem. There are others I hurt by being me. It’s not my existence that hurts them, but that I’m me. And if I ever truly live my own life I’ll really hurt my parents.

The guilt for living has played a big role in my life. I still don’t believe I’m allowed to exist, however I don’t feel guilty for those people.

I’m wondering if giving to others, being whatever others needed me to be, justified my existence somewhat. I’m here, and I shouldn’t be here, because I’m hurting people, their lives would be better without me, if I’m making other peoples lives better, maybe it balances that out. Makes it somewhat okay that I’m living, even though I shouldn’t be. Balances out the pain I’m causing to others.

The only problem there lies that giving gives meaning to my life. I love giving to others. Not because I have to. Not because it justifies my existence. But because I love giving.

When I said that saying no goes against my nature R’R commented nature or conditioning?

I think both. Conditioning is that I’m not allowed to exist. Nature is I love to give. Whether by nature or by nurture I feel others. Whether that’s inherent or something I had to develop or both. When I was speaking to E she told me about her arm hurting. I felt the pain in my own arm. Not physically, but yes physically. I don’t know how to explain it. Her pain hurt me. I don’t really know what physical agony feels like. I know I’ve experienced physical agony – when I got burned (I’d say burned myself but that sounds like I caused it. Someone dropped a pot. Thankfully of water!!!!! It could have been the oil pot…) and my arm was debrided – do not google. I wrote a poem then about pain. I don’t recall the pain. I recall hating others doing things for me. I couldn’t do anything because I couldn’t use my arm at all…

I feel others pain. I want to take their pain and take it away from them. I feel others pain too much. It’s funny how I so feel others pain yet cannot feel anything about or for myself. Though then again my life was a pretty calm, good life.

Anyways, the point I was making is that I love to give. And that giving gives meaning to my life. And that I wonder if giving was a way for me to justify my existence.

This is also why I think I don’t ADHD. Because I go back to what I started off with. A past friend once said to me that she loved how though I’d jump from A, to B, to C, I’d always go back to A, to B, to C.

36 thoughts on “Relationships, boundaries, and responsibility 3

    1. It’s a statement of fact. There is someone who I cause pain to by existing. Who I threaten by living. Who I take away from. There are people who being that I don’t fit what they think is right, are hurt.
      It is not my issue. I don’t have to do anything about it. It is what it is.
      I do love to give but giving is healthy only when it’s a choice. When it’s not a choice it’s not giving. It’s not freedom. There’s no limit to how much one should give as long as it’s healthy. First one also has to give to oneself. If you pour enough into your own jug, into yourself (as in we’re the vessel) it will automatically overflow to others.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. The operant word in your essay is; Love.
    “I love to give to others.”
    It does not take love to exist, it does take love to give existence meaning.
    As Jews, we are taught to love others. We are also taught to love ourselves.
    And, God.
    That’s right. God. Un-nameable (in our tradition) but not undefinable. Have you heard, God is Love, God is Light. The light part, comes, for the most part, from outside. The Love part is what we choose. You seem to be much better at choosing to love others. You are also able to choose to love yourself.
    Existence is (until it isn’t) Love is choice.
    You are loved. It is cool to love yourself.
    Dr. Bob

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Bob. I love this explanation. I’ve heard often that infinity is love and light. When I disconnect it from the culture I grew up with it’s more true. It would be awesome to love myself.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I am aware that God is (or should be) undefinable. The problem comes due to our human limitations, e.g. we look out and away from ourselves to see ‘the other’ and think, that God must be the “out there” instead of “everywhere’. It’s God’s fault though, he did hide his face! just kidding. So, God being everywhere, all and everything, means, to me, that God is inside, outside, and everywhere else, therefore any definition, confines God. Giving God a definition, say, of love, or light relieves a little of that guilt. Dr. B

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  2. hey sounds like you are really working through this, impressive!

    NOBODY should feel guilty for being alive and although helping others is ideal we need to have boundaries around that or we fry ourselves.

    I like to help others but also need “me” time … it keeps me balanced πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I feel like I’ve worked it through.
      I’m not guilty for living. My existence hurts and has hurt others. My life choices has and will hurt my parents. Not a reason for anything. Just fact.

      I like to help others. It’s those I’ve put before me that I need to step back from. I’ve done that with my sister and now a childhood friend. There are others who I guess I’ll learn to still do it. I can’t say I don’t constantly doubt it. Others telling me it’s the right thing helps. I really appreciate my rabbi telling me it’s the right thing to say no. I doubt I’ll ever stop doubting it.
      When you can say no, you can say yes. And there is everyone else I can and do give to that it isn’t messed up with. I’ve a friend who I said no to when it wasn’t okay for me and I’m so glad i did because I guess I’m finally applying that saying yes when it hurts me wrecks the relationship.

      Liked by 3 people

        1. I’m glad, too.
          I don’t know if it’s clinging to doubt. I naturally doubt it. Just am constantly reassuring myself that I’m doing the right thing and slowly doing it more and more. It’s just hard to trust myself when I’ve been taught not to and when in essence what I’m doing, although right, goes against all I believe. So the external validation helps too.

          Liked by 2 people

  3. Good for you! I think one of the hardest things I had to learn as an adult was how to set boundaries, how to say no. I wound up losing some friends (or maybe just ONE friend) as a result, but my sanity was worth it. You are on the right path!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. That really does go to lengths to show how compassionate and empathetic you are! Hurting others comes as a part and parcel of being alive as does moving, respiring, stimulating, growing, reproducing, excreting, and nutritioning ( I don’t think that’s a word-sorry was getting my bio revision done, won’t happen again)
    It’s super awesome you think about all this so muchπŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It sounds like you are an empathetic person (can feel other people’s pain).

    I don’t understand the ret. How can you be hurting someone by existing? It doesn’t make sense to me. I hope you realize that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can feel others pain.

      I’m a threat to others by existing. It’s their issue. There’s only one person who really would be better off without me. I do know it’s not mine by now.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. It sounds like you’re a highly empathetic person, and sometimes it’s harder for such people to have strong boundaries or a strong sense of self-worth if they are always putting their needs after the needs of others. It’s all a balancing act. You are here, in this world, because you have inherent value. You wouldn’t have been created otherwise. Your purpose may be to help others, but not at the expense of yourself. By setting boundaries, you are not keeping people out, you are just letting them know how close it’s okay to come. And they won’t know unless you tell them. Sorry for my ramble, it’s just I deal with these issues myself, and wanted to share some of the things I’ve learned over the past few months.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and leave such a thought out response. I appreciate it.

      It’s definitely hard to put myself first but I’m slowly learning to do so. And it’s definitely way healthier for me.

      I appreciate your ramble…

      Sending sunshine and sparkles

      Liked by 1 person

  7. We can absolutely go back! Hell, that in and of itself might be a hallmark of ADHD. Start on a topic. Bounce around from A to B to Z. Then, ten minutes later, when everyone else has entirely forgotten what “A” even was…resume talking about A again. As though there was no interruption. Usually still using the its original pronouns as though who the “he” or “it” was still obvious to everyone. Repeat ad infinitum for B, Z etc. Sometimes even three days later! As though you just thought of A again for the first time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, definitely! I used to have a friend – lost touch due to life divergence- who to use your words is neurotypical. She loved hearing me explain how the random comments I said came in. I mean you spoke about a ball and I asked how your playgroup was going. That’s way too connected to each other, but yeah.
      Some people know me well enough that the random comments make sense, and most my family fit somewhere on the ADHD spectrum. I just assume they know who the he, what the it is about.

      That article was fun to read, and actually super helpful as I mentioned in my last post. Coz combine ADHD, emotion intensity and hypersensitivity (I know you live with them all), it just makes everything I’ve struggled with and do seem so normal. And makes me realise that when I’ve gotten into lots of unfixable messes due to miscommunication maybe it wasn’t really my fault for expecting them to know what I meant with my few words. It was so obvious to me…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My Partner (who, of course, is ADHD himself) has always been able to follow me – and vice versa! But, I’ve definitely had plenty of people do the “go back and explain how you got there again” – or, worse, assume I didn’t care about what they were saying because I answered seemingly so “off topic” that how could I be paying attention! Except, to me, the thing I said absolutely *was* directly related to what they just said, in a very direct way! And, I’m over here confused and hurt why they are saying I’m not listening when I totally got so invested in what they said that – just for a moment – I forgot to mask and answered genuinely with what actually came to mind instead of overthinking everything and trying to figure out what I’m *supposed* to reply…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. The only time that bothers me is when it hurts people I care about. My friends know me by now, but I heard today that someone I really like thought I was criticising her. She’s just a gorgeous person, and she’s not someone I filter around. Nor is she a friend so she obviously doesn’t know me enough. I don’t like to hurt others… and yes you were definitely listening! You’re reminding me of school when some teachers thought my questions were stupid because they were off topic. When help, they were so on topic, just gone off on a tangent and already gone further than what you said.

          Do you put together all that people say and know more about them than they’d want you to?

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yes. And write all of this down because part of an ADHD “assessment” is a long interview where you have to show that your symptoms impact you in at least two out of three of work, family/personal, education or home life. And, hurting others because of your topic meandering when you *are* listening, interrupting, etc. all came up and counted in my interview.

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Also, this feels pretty right as another way of thinking about ADHD. We really *can* function in a world that is built for us, so I’m trying to feel less like its an inherent ‘deficit.’ Being neurodiverse in our neurotypical world – especially the morning after America’s election where I am super okay with being out of step with so many other Americans – though sure is Hell oftentimes. I am trying to see it more as the NT world’s failings than *my* failing. But, damn the permanent overwhelm described herein is basically my entire life! Maybe this will help a bit.
    https://www.theguardian.com/society/2020/nov/02/the-lost-girls-chaotic-and-curious-women-with-adhd-all-have-missed-red-flags-that-haunt-us?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=facebook&fbclid=IwAR1YRjhJE53Z4fnST9yRPBeBYCNDiMOJtnnwxzDv-WAgzngbVxjl0H-xi_A

    Liked by 1 person

    1. πŸ’• thanks!
      It’s funny because I feel past it now. At the time I felt so guilty, but the act of saying no and working through it meant that at least with one more person I’ve boundaries.

      Like

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