I’m wondering if I should try and put my thoughts into words. I haven’t sat down to write on here for so long. There’s just nothing to say. And everything to say.

So I started a new Instagram account. I think I’ll actually use it. E.journeytolife

I realised the beginning of this week that it’s up to me, and me alone, where my life heads. Yes, I want support. I won’t necessary get what I want. If I wait until I get it nothing will happen. I also realised that I often don’t follow things through. And then blame everything else when it’s on me for not having followed through.

For the past week and hopefully the next 4 weeks, though committing only a week at a time, in the morning (about 20 – 30 minutes all in) I’ve journalled for a couple minutes, wrote 3 gratitudes, 2 way prayer – journalling, filled in future self journal, most days I wrote to myself, and did a mindfulness practice. I’m pretty certain I posted on here the letter I wrote from my younger self to the current day me. Oh, I did.

I really should speak to my GP. Or the other GP. I’m scared to speak to the other one for I know she will act on it. My GP, so basically I need to find out what my blood test results mean practically speaking. Like, do I have to do anything about them. Or just hope for the best.

I’ve cut down on what I’ve been taking. It’s mostly okay. As in it doesn’t even count as ODing. I’d been eating for a month. So the last week I’ve cut down on paracetamol. And found food hard. Been making sure to eat. Been eating way too much. And TU occasionally. But that’s better than not eating. So yeah.

I reached out to a charity here about therapy and they told me they can help until I hear back from the CMHT but when I told them I’d want to use the sessions to go through a therapy workbook they said they can’t help because they don’t offer filling in workbooks. R’R put me in touch with a service here which said they’ll offer online support in a couple weeks. The CMHT sent me a letter that they’ve arranged for a telephone appointment on the 1st of December.

I bought and have begun reading a book by Imi Lo, who created eggshelltherapy. When I saw she had written a book I had to buy it because all the articles on her site are really great. It’s good her book. Emotional Sensitivity and Intensity. I’d definitely recommend it. Although I’ve nowhere near finished reading it so how could I know?

Working until 2.30 every day. Sometimes it’s okay. Sometimes it’s really not.

Up until I messed up I was beginning to really live in the world. Recently it’s as though there’s nothing there. I don’t connect to myself at all. I miss the connection I had been building.

Can’t think of anything else at this moment.

Oh. That I think that the energy work SG did is the reason I’m not suicidal and see life as possible. Still buying gifts for people. They should be surrounded by mementos in case. Should know I loved them. But life is possible.


51 thoughts on “Rambling 0001

  1. Great, Eliza! At first you pondered whether or not you have anything to say. Obviously, the answer to that question is a big ol’ “Yes!”

    Acknowledging you don’t get always what you want also is vastly helpful. You’re far from alone here, because each day brings us all disappointment. Oh, and satisfaction too. And optimism. And happiness… Hey, that’s life.

    It’s real and, as such, it means the good things are lasting and permanent.

    Besides, isn’t that’s what’s fueled all human progress since, well, forever, disappointment? It’s what motivated us to look forward and to make positive changes.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. That’s two massive changes already. I’m so glad to hear you’re making steps to look after Eliza a bit more. Sometimes small steps are bigger than we think.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It starts with a small step or two… your realization that it’s up to you, and that you can get help along the way, is so significant! It’s damn difficult realizing this, it was for me once upon a time, but I know it was essential. Way to go!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I may be totally wrong when I say this but I get the feeling that you aren’t content with something. Idk what this thing is. I stumbled upon this concept/theory on YouTube a while ago.

    Interestingly, you tend to explore various forms of therapy, from Instagram to journaling. Also, you mentioned something about struggling to follow through after starting something new. Jumping from thing to thing is a subconscious action; often times we keep searching and searching for β€œthat one thing” and end up sampling a variety of different things in the meantime. I hope the IG account sticks. Same with the journaling. I think it could be very beneficial sticking these things out long term and really tapping into the things that being you the most joy.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. You’re not totally wrong at all. I appreciate your thoughts…

      Journaling I keep up with. Instagram and here is really another kind of journaling. It’s amazing how much I realise about myself from communicating with others, then putting it down.

      How are you doing?

      Sending sunshine and sparkles

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been busy with school while dealing with pregnancy symptoms. If I’m not nauseous, I’m too tired to stay awake. I can barely conjure up enough energy to type up a blog post or reply to comments, hence why I’m so slow replying. 😴

        After having 2 very stressful weeks off of school, I finally got transferred to a new place and had 3 shifts there so far. I agree that journaling can be very therapeutic. I find that I have to be in the right mood to write though. πŸ˜…

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Eliza, you have made some amazing steps forward Eliza! πŸ‘πŸ‘πŸ‘ BRAVO! Happy to hear and sending you sparkles and glitter and love and light. β€οΈπŸ€—πŸ€—πŸ€— ❀️ CindyπŸ§šβ€β™€οΈπŸ§šπŸΏβ€β™‚οΈ

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Eliza, this post sounds like progress to me. ❀ ❀ ❀ You can continue to move forward and follow your dreams. πŸ™‚ What would you like your future to be?

    All the best! Cheryl ***** A little sparkle too! *****

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Eliza, I think I recall a desire for a place of your own. That would give you a lot more freedom if you could make it happen. In any case, I think freedom is a good start on a list of what you dream about. ❀ 3 πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ ******All the best! Cheryl

        Liked by 1 person

  7. you’re eating, you’re eating… that is AWESOME!! using less, great. i’m proud.
    uh oh… must be tiring, working so late. i hope it gets better.
    life is possible. always.
    love always,

    Liked by 3 people

  8. I’ve cut down on what I’ve been taking. It’s mostly okay. As in it doesn’t even count as ODing. I’d been eating for a month. So the last week I’ve cut down on paracetamol. And found food hard. Been making sure to eat…

    May I just say that I am proud of you?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I love your insight that continues to grow and the overall progress. You wrote that you miss the connection with yourself. I wonder what would strengthen that connection in a good way. Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 3 people

  10. Of course life is possible Ya just gotta try. To upkeep the possibilities of being concrete; don’t be afraid to brick up ya sense of self remember that there’s no one else About to speak to at times but ya don’t give in Negativity like Misery both love ya company stop the blame game it is what it is! Not fair, most of the time yes! It’s true However remember that it is not just Ya. Ya hasn’t figured out shit iether of the world view we are troubled Too! Jajaja Allahu Akbar is what ya and ya Should DoπŸ˜ŽπŸ™πŸ•β™’οΈπŸ’―β€οΈπŸ₯³πŸ†™πŸ˜·Travolta πŸ’ƒ and ya 🐝 Gees sang Rejoice πŸ˜† 😭 πŸ’ƒ 🎀❀️πŸ”₯πŸŽˆπŸŽ‚πŸŽ‰πŸ₯°πŸ†™πŸ†™πŸŽ‰πŸ†™πŸ‘πŸΎπŸ˜·πŸ˜·πŸ˜ŽπŸ₯³

    Liked by 1 person

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