This was meant to be a letter from the younger E, to the E I am today. I wrote it after Imi Lo’s journal prompt in her book Emotional sensitivity and intensity. (I’d definitely recommend the book). Sometimes mixed up.

Dear E

Life is a journey that isn’t always going to be easy. You’re going to be taught that it’s not safe for you to express your feelings. Your mother doesn’t accept her own feelings. She can’t hold or accept yours. The only way for her to cope with her childrens life is to live in denial. Your teachers and school will feel threatened by your questions, especially when you correct them on their facts, or query what they’ve never themselves thought about. They will teach you that it’s not safe to think. Your life experiences will come to teach you that it’s not safe to be.

I’m here to tell you that it is safe. I’m here to tell you to embrace the curiosity that you lived with until you learnt to shut it down. I’m here to remind you about the constant connection to a source that you lived with. When you used to live with the constant awareness that every breath you took was a gift, where every breath was a renewal of life and connection to a source. I’m here to tell you to remember when you used to know that whatever was meant to be, would be, that you just had to believe and tune in, and your life would reflect that knowledge. People won’t and don’t understand. They will think you’re crazy and you’ll learn to turn off the connection. To believe that what you think and feel can’t possibly be true. For all the adults in your life tell you it isn’t so. And tell you that you’re lying.

You won’t be understood. When you express a physical (and emotional too) sensation people will think you’re overreacting. They won’t believe you when you’re in pain. You’ll retreat and shut down. You’ll think abnormal physical sensations are normal because you’ll have learnt to ignore what you know. You’ll learn to ignore everday physical sensations until they’re really noticable. Because being isn’t safe. Because people can’t handle your reality. Because they don’t understand it. Most the world don’t bruise from someone bumping into them. You will. The people who bump into you will care that you’re upset. They won’t apologise and will want you to apologise for getting upset. They’ll think you’re crazy.

Your boundaries won’t be respected. You won’t know you’re allowed to have boundaries because your mother has none. And when you try put boundaries in place she’ll scream at you, be hurt, and upset. When you question if her crossing boundaries are okay you’ll be told that you’re too sensitive and it’s your issue.

E, I’m here to remind you of beforehand. Before you internalised the messages that you’re guilty. Before your safety in the world was taken away. Before your safety and trust in yourself was taken away. You lived with curiosity. You lived with openness. You lived with intuition and understanding that all your friends trusted – everyone but you. Your future friends will always believe really strongly in your intuition and knowledge. They will rely on what you know. Believe them.

Life will teach you many things E. You can go back and teach yourself. Relearn. You can cone back to the innocence. To the safety. To the love.

You’re worth it E. You’re so worth it.

I believe in you. I know that you can do it. No matter what the world teaches you. You can override their messages. And embrace all you were today, as an adult.

Love you.

Always and forever.

E.

(The one thing that confuses me is how unsafe my world was, and is, when my childhood was a pretty normal childhood.)

35 thoughts on “LTM: From the younger E

      1. Some things are better now and feel better now. I had a lot of dreams the last days, including today. And I watched a short horror series, sometimes I gad to weep and especially at the end. Because it was less about horror and more about people and I found myself in it, in different forms. It was pretty sad, but gave me some hope. ❀

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  1. Interesting, I hadn’t seen a letter this way around, from a person’s younger self to their older self, not the other way around. It’s good that you can get in touch with that sense of self-belief and safety.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. you really are worth it. keep going. you rock. people are gonna hurt you, but you can’t let them!! keep your boundaries. let your curiosity be known. you are a star, E.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I get this for sure. Asking questions that make people uncomfortable. Not being allowed to have boundaries. Being considered too sensitive. Having been there you can let others who are being bullied in the same way know they are not crazy. And you can create a more kind and respectful environment. Very well expressed Eliza!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m okay. Still feeling anxious and directionless without my kids but I’m fortunate to be connecting with good people online and really benefitting at looking at life through different people’s perspectives.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Sam
      I’ve been thinking of you. And dreaming of some of your CW pieces (shudder) though it slips my mind what anymore.
      Sending sunshine and sparkles

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Splendid, E! These moments, really, are one of the main reasons we keep returning, for they speak of a broad sense of past progress and of future potential. As such, you’re affirming the hope we have for you. Actually, of the hope we have for ourselves too.

    Also, this is what Present E explains to Past E. Keep plotting that line, and you only can imagine what Future E will have to say.

    “K”

    Liked by 2 people

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