I’m not rereading this. Blaming it on the hour.

Trigger warning.

I just want to put this down.

Today has been long. R’R asked a charity here if they can help. Why does he care??? So had work this morning, then filled out this online link, work, people.

Then. Last week I took a blood test. To get a blood test done I had to get a dr to request it so spoke to a GP in the surgery, not my GP, but one who is actually really nice. Had the blood test the next day. That night the out of hours surgery called to tell me that my paracetamol levels were high (well, duh), and it took me a while to tell them to leave the info with my GP. That freaked me out and, that night I knew I’d be dead sooner rather than later.

I asked S if she could do some energy work. I’m assuming it helped because come a couple days ago, life seems possible. Doable. Not just ‘I don’t want to hurt others through dying but death is inevitable’, but, ‘maybe life could be possible’.

This afternoon, just after I got home from school, the dr I spoke to last week called me. She said that one of the liver enzymes are high. She said whatever she said, I can’t recall the conversation, just that she would think I should go to the A&E. To make sure the damage isn’t irreparable. I told her to speak to my GP. I had planned on calling him today but didn’t as I knew she was going to.

And just.

Why now?

And I don’t care.

And I don’t know what I want.

So there’s a few points.

Death would hurt people. It would hurt those who would miss me if I were gone. There are some people I haven’t been in touch with much because I didn’t want there to be such a large gap in their lives when I left them. It would hurt those who feel guilty (though they should know I’d be at peace). It’d hurt those it would trigger.

Meaning to life for me is giving. There are so many dreams I’ve always had about making the world a better place.

Those 2 points are on the side of life.

I don’t know what the rest of the blood results were. I don’t know how high. I do know with certainty that going to the hospital would be the worst thing possible for me. I wouldn’t handle it well. It’d wreck my life, and the reasons on lifes side, which I’ve chosen, would be meaningless.

Then, after 5, I looked at my emails. And saw a response from the online service. It was a really gorgeous response, and wasn’t in response to what I’d written there, but to what R had passed on (in the online form you were meant to write 50 words or so. So I only wrote a couple sentences). With an offer to speak. Or chat online. At around 4. Which was past. I replied only a couple sentences that both work because I wanted the response to potentially go through before the end of the day. Trying to write a proper response would take hours. And now I don’t feel I can write a proper response for I’ve responded. And I don’t know if it’s the same person who will see it. Either way. I’m grateful they responded. And no clue where it will lead.

Found the day weird. It’s ironic. That. On Monday I reached out to 2 people for help. I find reaching out hard because, well asides for knowing no one cares and I don’t deserve it and all that, there’s the entire I need to take responsibility for my own life thing. I can’t just find the balance and ask for help because I never took responsibility until recently and I don’t know how to do this thing.

So I think there are 2 charities here that may actually help. And work has started. And I’m trying to stay okay. And get to a better place. And now I’m told that one of the liver enzymes may be high? Like, what? Why now?? And why now when I’ve actually been taking less. Well actually, I don’t know if I have been. I don’t know. It’s just. It’s just.

Some of what I ordered for people last week came today (I want them to have mementos. Know I love them always). When I saw it this morning I was like, kay. Now I want them to get them already. And need to get stuff for those I didn’t get anything for. I want them to know I love them always. Always and forever.

My day has been such a mixture.

On the one hand is all the above. On the other hand I spent my day in a really productive way, work, family, time with a gorgeous child, out with a friend, out with a workmate/friend, lift to my mother, phone to a friend, reading, now writing this at 2am. Productive. Healthy. Good things. And I don’t know. This drs call earlier freaked me out. Seeing I’d missed the message from the charity made me sad. And I say ‘sad’ when honestly I feel nothing at all.

An online ‘friend’ messaged me how my insights during this time really help her. Funny.

Tomorrow is another day.

33 thoughts on “At the moment…

  1. Hey Eliza,
    Love you made it to work today .. yesterday you thought you couldn’t. I would miss you on the page here just so you know. You matter to me!!! A little concerned about those test so please keep me posted, and so cool someone is feeling your vibe. I’m sending you a little Reiki right now.. LMK if yo ugot it. ❤️🤗 Cindy

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is good to hear, that you can still think about your dreams to make the world a better place. 🙂
    I honestly couldn’t really think about such things anymore, the last years, when my depression and resignation were at worst. Since these dreams always seemed pointless since I was a child.
    So, although it is of horrible, that we both wish to be gone (dead), while we actually would want to make things better, give and help. But to our own conditions, because others sometimes held this against me in “But you said you wanted to help everyone, so why not me?” kind of way…

    And of course I would feel horrible should you be gone. But no matter happens to you or what you do, since I just don’t want to lose people with whom I can feel, understand and who have similar hopes, thoughts, dreams and hearts.

    But I would of course also not want anyone to feel sorry or bad when I would be gone.
    Still at best we all shouldn’t be gone. And I know, should we able to live the way we would want to live, then we wouldn’t feel nothing or pain and think in these horrible ways….

    Sadly most people either don’t want to understand, simply can’t or just don’t know what to do about it. No matter what happens, you will always have some space in my heart. 🙂

    (By the way, when I was feeling better or were looking after me, my health condition also actually got worse, at some points… so yeah “Why now???”)

    I also figured out, that often this occours because before the body was holding back everything, until it was almost impossible to suppress everything. And when then, there is some space, time and freedom to calm down, it just is so exhausted and almost gives up. My mother or relatives also sometimes felt / got sick, when they finally had some pause from work and stress.

    Don’t give up now, okay? I know this is easy said… trust me, each day I wish it would be my last. But now I just want to do everything I always wanted, risk everything and hopefully make something good out of it. Then my existence wouldn’t be all for nothing. 😀
    So no matter what happens, you can’t bring me down.
    I just wish for you that you will get strength or stay strong and fight for your own life.
    Each one who “bites the dust”, is one too much.

    If I could just make possible, what I got in mind for so long now…
    We will see. ❤ Love you and that you keep fighting. No one said it would be an easy fight.
    And I or others like us, don't expect it to be. So don't let yourself get dragged down by things you did or might do, like using, or doing other things. It will only grow the guilt for yourself and the hate or fear. This spiral of doubting yourself and then feeling nothing or pain.

    As long as you breath, things can change.
    As long as you are here, there is always a chance.
    Most people have problems they either hide, ignore or not talk about.
    Your are strong for being open about them.
    So don't feel guilty, ashamed or something like that.
    I know it will probably still be this way for a while, but I am here to asure you, that you are not a lost case and instead a wonderful being. You (and no one) should go through such things.
    I hope that in the future you can help others because of your experiences. It always has to start somewhere or with someone. I started something and maybe you will as well.

    For now, just breath and listen to the beat of your heart. 💞💛🤗💜😔😌

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Eliza,
    You don’t just wish people love, light and glitter, you actually ARE love, light and glitter in other people’s lives. I don’t want WordPress to be without Eliza. You’ve made such a difference in how you’ve help—and still do help me—and if you only live to help, then do that for a while, until more reasons come on board! Any means to make it happen at the start of it.as a retired nurse I am SO glad you got the bloods taken, big thumbs up for that choice. And a big hug to you to show my support of you as a person. You’re really valuable Eliza and I don’t want to be without you. I genuinely (and selfishly) mean that. ♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sigh. That’s why I chose not death. Not to hurt others.
      I feel like, yeah whatever. Even if I get to another side I’ll probably die anyways from what I’ve done. Though why now?????

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I’m seriously hoping these blood results are reversible and can just be like a wake up call for you to realise living (for now) is the best option (for you and everyone who knows you).

        Someone once said, if all the pain and suffering in your life could be lifted, would you want to live then?

        Because things change in life, it feels it never will but it always does. And things I suffered 20 years ago (and thought would last forever) are LONG gone now. We can get help to alleviate our pain and suffering so we don’t have to die to alleviate them.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Godspeed to you.

    I love the way your post ended with such positivity, the second half.

    Take care, I hope and pray that today leads to only good news!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Stay interested – and interesting – my friend. When you explore you discover. When you discover you sparkle. When you sparkle you understand all life offers. Progress carries forward from yesterday to today. Today to tomorrow? Even more so.

    Come on, you have to suspect people care more than you think they do. Why wouldn’t they? You’re smart, caring, sensitive and creative. Despite the challenges, you seek out happy, uplifting and inspiring stories an you share them with the world. This speaks of generous reserves of positivity still humming within you.

    Smiling yet, Eliza? You should, and so many others share the happiness and beam right back at you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You have a good heart. About liver enzymes, something tells me it takes time for changes to show up in tests like that, for things to get cleared out maybe? I think yoga would be good. I need to get back into it. Yoga goes well with mindfulness. You are in my thoughts with prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are just so amazing. Your thoughts that are given away so honestly is what is an encouragement and inspiration. The world needs more people who are prepared to just say it like it is. I personally think there is too much hiding, and dishonesty out there.
    I am thinking of you, and I KNOW that you’ve got this ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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