Trigger warning suicidality.

… the past week has been chaotic. Chaotic is an understatement. And there is no way I’d ever write in public what I’m thinking or doing at the time. I wouldn’t even wrote it in password protected posts. Because they could be read. Even though I know most people don’t read them. And I’m rambling about absolutely nothing. For there’s just nothing to say. But I want to out this down.

Trigger warning.

Today’s calmer.

Yesterday’s been calmer.

Do I really want to put it into words?

I don’t know what I’m doing here. I don’t really understand how come I’m still here. I didn’t do anything. But. I don’t know.

In my head I planned what’s going to be with my money. The messages I’d leave for people to get 3 months later.

You know when you’re choosing to live but death is an inevitability regardless of your choice not to die? Or you don’t know.

I wrote myself a letter. One of those nights. And what I found, still find, so incredible, is how I can be so positive and hopeful on the one hand, and on the other hand prepare stuff for when death is inevitable.

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Life is a journey. Definitely calmer after writing this letter. No clue how long it'll last. I'm believing it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe that it will be okay. I'm choosing to believe I won't end it. As I said a while ago, if god wants me to die, I've given enough opportunities for that to happen, nothing I do will cause death if I'm meant to live. So I may as well not do anything on that end. I'm choosing to believe in hope. I'm choosing to believe in possibility. I'm choosing to believe in life. It hurts. It doesn't feel like it hurts but I know that it does. How profound is that??? Life is a journey. I didn't ask to be on this journey. Yet I am here. I don't want to be. But I am. There's something I've been doing that scares me. Some of my thoughts scare me. The planning. The planning. The planning. I haven't done this in years. Or 3 years. When I got past this place then, I never dreamt of coming back here. Yet here I am. And. And there's nothing really to say. Just live with it. I guess that says it all. Just live with it. Until I can get to another side. Dare I say, until I will get to another side. #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #jewishmentalhealth #jews4mentalhealth #jewishgirl #jewish #jewishblogger #suicidalideation #suicidalthoughts #suicidality #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpdrecovery #bipolarwarrior #therapistsofinstagram #innerchild #lettertomyself #journaling #journaltherapy #innerchildhealing #innerchildwork #selfdestruction #selfharmrecovery #attachmenttrauma #oding #deathvslife #adultchildrenofalcoholics #acoa #addictionsucks #addictionrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery

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I just reread that. And it says it all. The hope. The opposite. The everything. Just the everything.

I haven’t been reading most posts on here. I’ve been writing letters as a distraction. They just say hello. If you want a letter email me your address – if you’re less phobic then I who does not give out my address. Not that I care if you’re an axe murderer and cone and shoot me in the night. Do axe murderers use guns?

I’ve ordered a number of gifts for the people I care about. They don’t feel as necessary. Last week, if you asked me, I would gave told you that give me 3 weeks and I’m not here. Not by choice. Never a choice to die. I don’t want to hurt others that way. It’ll hurt so many. R’R said I’m talking like when a kid does something accidentally on purpose. I don’t know how to describe the lack of choice. Of choosing one thing, or choosing not something when it’s inevitable however much you may go against it. Like saying gravity ain’t a force. Choosing not to let gravity pull you to the ground yet however much you hold yourself up you know gravity will win.

Death doesn’t seem as much like gravity today. Like, maybe I’ll be here in 2 weeks.

I called the CMHT to ask when an outpatient assessment is meant to be. The person who answered said they haven’t made an appointment and don’t have any until February anyways. Is that okay? If I don’t get a letter with a date in a month I should call again. I just put down. I couldn’t speak. Speaking is always hard. And what was I meant to say? I’ll be dead in 2 weeks, never mind 4 weeks, so you may as well not bother wasting paper or ink on an appointment letter. I’ll spare you the resources.

There’s a reason I’m going through the CMHT. Asides that any professional I called is either not available, or is fazed by this, or ‘doesn’t do therapy when the therapist will have to work hard’. That’s because most therapists don’t offer crisis management as the main thing. I don’t want traditional therapy. And. If I stop ODing I’m not going to cope. I can’t use therapy. I don’t do talking because it’s not safe. I use writing to process, except I haven’t been writing much as I didn’t want a record of anything. I didn’t want anyone to know I knew I’d die. I don’t want them to hurt even more. Not just would death hurt, but that ‘could they have done anything’. Now that I’m not going to die I can write it. I don’t know.

I spoke to R’R. He got in touch with a charity for me. No clue if they’ll be able to help. He said he cares. I didn’t tell him I don’t believe him for I don’t think it’s fair to him to do that. Tried to get through to my GP to ask him to call the CMHT but haven’t yet gotten through.

Work starts tomorrow. I can’t face it. I’ve been taking less. It’s less of a need. SG did some energy work for me. I texted her when I was freaking out asking if there’s anything she could do. I wonder if that’s the cause of the shift. Of the being okay being here. Of not needing to take as much so constantly. Still buying lots more coz need to be able to if I want to.

And that’s it basically. My world. Which seems to expand and contract and expand and contract. I’ve no clue what of anything is real. I wonder if in April I really was in a better place. Or not at all. And there’s been chantelle during the past few months too. Change that seems meaningless.

Boundaries. I’ve been keeping boundaries much more, and in a much healthier way.

Responsibility. I always took responsibility for others and no responsibility for myself. Then I took responsibility for myself so couldn’t ask others for help because I’m meant to be taking responsibility… I’ve been reaching out. Which isn’t me at all. I was freaking out earlier so called a friend and asked her to talk to me (could never tell her what I was freaking about). And. It helped.

Compassion vs guilt. I’m guilting myself less. Accepting what my reality is more. Like when I’m freaking. Instead of why’m I freaking, being okay that I am. Not adding on the additional guilt (that doesn’t take away the core guilt I live with).

Relationships. In the past few months there are 3 people I’ve really built healthy relationships with. My sister. 2 friends. One of my friends, I’ve gotten to know her children during this time.

I’ve really become okay with what I want, where I stand, re judaism and the culture (I hate the culture. Hate is way too tame to describe the abhorrence, detestation and all it brings up. I wonder if there’s such a thing as religious trauma…). Yet. I’m okay with it. When others bash the culture I can see how their experiences aren’t everyone’s. I can and do see the extremities. And how the culture and the religion of the culture is so different to Judaism. I don’t know what life I’m going to lead with it. If I live long enough to ever get that far. I’m okay with separating it. I love what I see. I love the connection I can’t tune into (because what do I tune into ever?)

My world is a mass of contradictions. That’s another thing I’ve learnt over the past few months of living with destruction. That there is an AND and both can be, and are, true.

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I can accept where I am AND plan for something different. I can live with AND and BOTH. My world, I'm sure not just my world, is one of contradictions. Where I live with the constant contradiction. The AND and the BOTH are equally valid and can coexist. I'm writing this about an #MBSR #mindfulnesscourse so… šŸ’• I accept that it was too scary for me to speak AND I hope I will still speak. šŸ’• I accept that I get really distracted during every practice AND I hope to get better and plan different timings to make it better. šŸ’• I accept that I'm more comfortable with some people AND I try not let it affect me. šŸ’• I accept that I'm not practicing as much as I would like to AND I strive to practice more. I've really appreciated @intuitionawakening on the topic. It's good it's just about #mindfulliving else it could be about #lifevsdeath šŸ™‚

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Going to end with this image I made. I know this is too long for most to read. Which is why it’s for me. I’m grateful for this space for myself.

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I love such pictures. Saw this and it made me think. How one of the things I've been working really hard on the past few months is to appreciate how far I've come. That's why I wrote up the boundaries post. To have a record of change. There's the negativity bias in anything and everything. So seeing the positive is hard. Seeing the positive in the midst of self destruction? One of the blockages to seeing change, was, is, because of my actions. When so much of my actions have to change, when I haven't been here in a while, it's hard to look past it. This picture tells me to look back (and maybe I took this photo a few months ago just for today, to remind me today). This photo tells me to see where I started from. To see the change. To appreciate and celebrate the growth. For, there IS change. I'm not in the place I was. Some actions may be the same. But not all. And. I'm moving on. I'm trying to move forward. I know the journey is the destination and all that. Right now I can't and don't appreciate that. And I don't need to. Because here and now, I need to look back. Be proud of how far I've come. Use that courage and pride to continue along this journey. Look back. In what way have you changed? In what way are you different from the beginning of your journey?

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49 thoughts on “When there’s nothing to say…”

  3. I’m sorry you feel like this. You are still choosing life, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Choosing not to kill yourself is choosing life, even if you aren’t doing it enthusiastically. There can be a calm that comes from thinking about what would happen if you died, but that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily about to do anything.

    That’s terrible about the CMHT. I wish I had advice. The NHS can be terrible.

    There’s a lot of positive in the second half of this post. I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit for it.

    I think there is such a thing as religious trauma. I know someone (online) who had a strict Evangelical Christian upbringing that has affected her mental health negatively in many ways.

    I know you won’t believe this, but you ARE worth it. I believe in you!

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  4. Eliza, I spent years in and out of really serious depression like you have. The thoughts of suicide sometimes were so strong that I couldn’t hardly think of anything else. I never acted on it, but I sure as Hell thought about it. Months and months in bed not able to reach out to anyone. By the grace of life, a friend from high school came over and sat with me for a few hours every day when he got off work. He never gave up on me. I don’t talk or think much about those times anymore. It was a very long time ago. Sometimes it’s important to revisit them to give someone else hope. I know how bad you hurt and how hard the struggle is. Sending you the biggest hugs there are!!! You many not feel like people care, but there are those of us who do. It matters to me when I see your comments and your posts coming through my feed. Keep choosing life. If it hurts so bad it’s too much, show up at the local emergency room and tell them you’re suicidal. The psych hospital was my biggest fear for many years. It saved my life more than once in more ways than the literal killing myself. Be kind to yourself. ā™„ā™„ā™„ā™„ā™„

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    1. Thanks! I’m actually hoping the HBTT (Home based treatment) get back to my GP. I can’t imagine myself ever going into hospital but, I don’t know. This week is calmer…

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  5. Hi Eliza,
    I love that you can put all of your feelings into thoughts and words and are able to embrace both sides of the coin which are in some ways the same. Keep writing and cementing those special relationships. We all have a shadow side and a bright side. Keep lighting the path and be kind to you. Big Hugs, love and sparkles back at you!!!!!! šŸ„°ā¤ļøšŸ’• Cindy

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  6. Eliza, I read your post, and I think the fact that you are writing is positive. I am sorry you are suffering. Everyone has days that are better than others. I hope tomorrow is a good day! Do something you enjoy, and take a little break to renew your spirit. I don’t have much advice, but I send along some good wishes! šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ ā¤ ā¤ ā¤ **** (Sparkles) Cheryl

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  7. Eliza, I donā€™t know you or your story at all so I could potentially say the wrong thing. I know that in some ways our situations are probably very different. One thing that sounds similar though is the idea of not knowing why you are here. In the past I had too much to do and not enough help taking care of my two autistic sons but at least I had a very clear purpose it kept me going and in some ways accomplishing super human things. But now circumstances beyond my control have separated us. Some days I hardly leave my bed and I feel lost and without purpose. Even taking a walk I canā€™t figure out where to go.Its the most horrible feeling I have ever experienced. Even eating holds no pleasure without purpose. Iā€™ve learned that sometimes God allows me to go through things because He wants me to understand what others experience so that in that place I can figure out how to find hope. I have a lot to learn but one thing is that the things we love stop being enjoyable when we have no one to share them with. I love certain stories and wise fairytales and the one way that I am staying sane is by sharing them in my blog. There is only one blogger really who keeps reading the story Iā€™m sharing right now with me and commenting but she is like an angel to me. Is there anything that you love that any of us could share the enjoyment of with you or even a small way that you could help others while enjoying that thing. Not what do you think others would love but what do you love. You are here for a purpose and that is to love in your own unique way. I donā€™t mean romantic love but the bringing of light and colour to others. We really really have to actively fight the darkness with light and the lies with truth. I know how hard that is as Iā€™m often just hanging by a thread. If there is any way I can help please let me know.

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      1. We do care and are here. Some of us like myself are here in very similar situations – needing help but uncertain if we can trust and afraid the help will be another trap. Itā€™s a huge accomplishment to keep reaching out and you can give yourself credit for that.

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  9. There is definitely religious trauma. Hugs. One hurt soul to another, hugs.

    I’m sad therapy where you’re at is so ineffectual. Here, people presenting in crisis situations is the normal. You deserve genuinely life transforming therapy.

    You deserve a life you don’t need to exit from. You deserve to be seen and held and loved in all your selves and parts and sides.

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  10. First, I really have no words for you other than, “I care.” I read your whole article – so it wasn’t just for you.

    Also, I’ve seen you mention this before so I’m getting curious about your perspective on Judaism… what do you mean by “the culture”? I ask because there are many Jewish subcultures šŸ™‚ … and I’m a huge dork so I like talking about such things.

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  11. Hi Eliza: It seems to me, as one who has been reading your posts (when I can get beyond the passwords) and caring about you, that your writing is a little like a tongue worrying a sore tooth. The content is not all that important, the process is. Writing, the act itself scratches a particular itch. One that can’t be reached by fingers. Keep doing it, and keep posting it as those of us who hang in there with you, want to know how the flow of your life is going. Love, Dr. Bob

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  13. First of all, Eliza. impressive bit of work on the writing, and on the creativity. You suspected it’d do good things for you, and it has. You’re a little better than you were when you started, right? Surely, a productive exercise, then.

    You wondered who cares. Well, you do, obviously, or you wouldn’t have taken time to put all of this together and to explain yourself.

    Also, we care. Look at all of us who’ve read your words and who’ve offered thoughts/encouragement. And time still is ahead of us. You published this, what, just yesterday? More to come, definitely.

    You mention God. In my opinion, the Almighty wants more of us than mere passivity. We have these brains, after all. This way, when we’re asked, decades from now, what we did with the lives we were given, we’ll have a great answer.

    You already are off to a good start, what, with your scrapbooking, blogging, baking, teaching, mentoring, and so on, and so on. These activities prove that your answer currently is, “Working on it, working on it.”

    Oh, and you’ll hasten to add, “Give me a sec, OK?” You know you’ve got these plans, Eliza, and just wait until you show us (your readers, your friends, your family, God, all of us) what’s coming up next. This is gonna be so worth the wait.

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  14. I wish I had something more useful to say… hang in there.

    I think there is such a thing as religious trauma, and it’s really sad. And it isn’t just Judaism. I know a lot of people who believe in mainstream Christianity but have issues with the culture surrounding it, and I know someone who feels the same way about the LDS church and culture. And it’s really sad, because these cultures revolve around things that aren’t the essential beliefs.

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  15. I wish you lived in Australia because I could advise therapists. There is definitely such a thing as religious trauma and Iā€™m so sad for you that therapists wonā€™t will turn you away for having trauma. You deserve a therapist who will let you write. Mine accepts emails. Most of the stuff I tell him is via email. I wish you could have the same. You deserve it. Keep writing

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  16. Hey hey hey!
    Glad you’re feeling calmer!
    Also, I loved the image you had at the end with all the cute little boxes of text!
    What’s really beautiful is even if you’re not doing too well yourself, you are always thinking of other people, every time!
    There are always 2 sides to a coin, everything is balanced – that was super philosophical but I thought of it more scientifically! Just choose the side of happiness and fun…
    I should make a new blogging email, I’ll be sure to drop by an email if I do!
    šŸ’™šŸ’™šŸ’™

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  17. Hey hey hey!
    Glad you’re feeling calmer!
    Also, I loved the image you had at the end with all the cute little boxes of text!
    What’s really beautiful is even if you’re not doing too well yourself, you are always thinking of other people, every time!
    There are always 2 sides to a coin, everything is balanced – that was super philosophical but I thought of it more scientifically! Just choose the side of happiness and fun…
    I should make a new blogging email, I’ll be sure to drop by an email if I do!
    šŸ’™šŸ’™šŸ’™

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  18. Sensding hugs to you… I think religious trauma could be a thing. In it’s simpletest form trying to make people what they’re not… Keep well Eliza šŸ™‚

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    1. Thank you Si…
      I haven’t been reading your posts recently… how are you doing?
      šŸ’•šŸ’•šŸ’•šŸ’•šŸ’•šŸ’•

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      1. That’s ok, theta not much to read these days, loads of pictures. I’m doing ok thanks… You’ll be good ā™„ļøā™„ļøā™„ļøā™„ļø

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