I don’t know how much sense this is going to make since there’s so much flying around my head and I’m writing this just to get it down and give me some space. Funny, usually I’d give myself time to absorb things.

I didn’t write out the rest of week 4 – I had 3 or 4 posts on it. Or anything for week 5. And now we just finished week 6. I didn’t actually think I’d go on to the call today.

A couple days ago when I was trying to do a practice I found it very untethering so I stopped. I did a short practice the next morning but nothing more that day. Knowing how much of a mess my head has been the past week I knew that if I found it destabilising I just wouldn’t do it.

Mindfulness. So I’m really careful to call it mindfulness practice not meditation for mindfulness and meditation are 2 different things.

I’d still like to share last weeks overview. Either I will or I won’t. Today was week 6. Only 2 more weeks.

I told my friends to sign up. I’ve 2 good friends here. Both signed up. Depends on timings if they can do it. If they can I’d love to do it again with them.

I spoke today! Week 6 and the second time I spoke. This time right away I prefaced what I said with – please don’t ask anything on what I say. I did freak out afterwards, but nowhere near to the same extent as in week 4. Week 4 I spoke, and was freaking the rest of the time. Today I was able to calm myself down much faster. My heart rate was seriously amped up (courtesy of my smart watch I bought for running when I can’t run…. my heart rate is way higher than it used to be. I’m eating now. It’ll be interesting to see if it goes down. Also less dizzy so wondering if I’ll be able to take up running again).

Today the focus was on self compassion. I’m such a mixture. As I said in my last post (not an MBSR one) I’ve stopped saying I hate myself.

Something I’ve been doing a lot and have found really helpful is holding my hand to my neck. There’s definitely a term for it. If I ever google it (just after writing this?) I’ll write more.

The first discussion was on what you’d say to a friend having it rough, and what you’d say to yourself. I thought about my friend whose life is chaotic. All my friends lives are at the moment. It’s a bit draining. So yesterday I told M I’m here for her and love her. This is when I shared my thoughts. That I’d say that to someone else. That with myself there is the gap between where I am – self hatred and guilt, and where I want to be. That I write to myself (all the Letters to myself – a few are up here. Some day I’ll copy out some more) and I tell myself the same thing. That I’m here for myself no matter what. No matter what I do I’ll always love myself. And that I’m finding that sometimes in life or journaling I’m saying it to myself. Am more gentle with myself. I think I said less words than that. And I freaked. The next people sharing referenced what I said but I have no clue what I said because as soon as they said E, it was too much and I couldn’t focus. Just don’t talk about me!

We did a loving kindness practice next which really also was a bit much. The practice is 3 parts which is cool. First bring to mind someone you love and who you feel only good things towards. Could be a person or animal. Imagine yourself wishing them well. May you be at peace for example. A few wishes. Then put yourself with the person. May we be at peace. Then at bye to the person and may I be at peace.

I imagined NN. He is heaven and charming. That part was easy (I feel myself slowing down now which I’m grateful for). I imagined my wishes for his peace, joy and happiness to be blankets I was wrapping around him. I’m not visual but it worked. R, the person talking, suggested we imagine our wishes as pebbles in water rippling but wrapping blankets gives more protection. During every pause I added my own wishes.

Then we were told to add ourselves into it. That was much harder. I put NN on my lap and wrapped both of us in blankets of safety, love, compassion.

Then take away NN. Found that last part really hard. I first did it imagining me wrapping it around someone else who’s me but then wrapped it around myself sitting as I was there. By that time I put both my hands on my neck in almost a circle. When the practice finished I was shaking away. So when we had a break I did a 3 space grounding and did the hoop for a few minutes. To ground myself. That’s also why I’m writing this now. Though I’m not thinking about anything I’m saying. I’m slowing down.

WordPress is being glitchy and deleting my words a lot. I hope it’s not added back any it has deleted or deleted too much as then this really won’t make sense.

After the break he wanted us to write down what we would wish ourselves. I’d been doing that throughout the spaces in the practice as else I’d he everywhere but there. I know what I’d wish myself. Safety. Self love. Self compassion. Self acceptance. Connection. Peace. Serenity. Okayness. Notice I’m not saying a lack of self destruction for that will automatically change.

I didn’t engage much for I knew it was too much. Nor with the practice after because it was the third part of the self compassion and I was already shaky. Not going to do anything to make it worse (makes me laugh as I write this. How I live with such self destruction AND such self acceptance and compassion. I definitely accept my freaking about speaking. A few times I had what to say and didn’t. And this acceptance is natural because I didn’t expect myself to be unable to speak…

The last thing was asking us how we practice self care. I realised that I more practice self soothing then self care. I’ve plenty of distractions that wire me down – like writing this, but much less that are looking after myself how do I look after myself? Maybe through my gratitude journal – I’m up nearly 1500 (different gratitudes). Writing to myself – I use it more to access the part of me that loves myself more than to calm down. When I’m freaking out I tune out as soon as I engage with it so writing doesn’t work. Distraction does. I feel like my entire world at the moment is a distraction rather than prevention. Through journaling and practicing mindfulness every morning which is what I’m aiming to do.

Anyways. That was week 6. The practice this week is to do the 3 stage breathing space 3 times a day. If I’m keeping Judaism I can’t but on Monday to Wednesday I can. And the loving kindness practice once. Again I can on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday.

I’d love to do the course again.

With Rosh Hashanah – the Jewish new year – tomorrow night, I’m not sure what the next few days will be. I haven’t been sleeping much. The days have been a mixture between up and down constantly. I’m glad to have the weekend now and no school for a few days.

I’ve written in the first or second post the biggest thing this course is giving to me. That is that I’m tuning in much more to where I am and grounding myself a lot more. It could be less self destruction has to do with that, I wouldn’t know. It’s also interesting to see that I still hate the body scan practice. I tried it nearly every day for 5 weeks. I like mindfulness of breath practices – find them grounding. Body and breath, or thought, I have found to be awesome or untethering depending on where my headspace was. I’ve been getting up earlier to do it for a few minutes. I want to get up earlier still to have time to journal and do half hour mindfulness practice if I want to after that. (Definitely better after journaling).

Signing off for real this time.

I’d love to hear how you’re all doing… if you don’t mind to drop a note and tell me…

Kesiva vechatima tovah – may your year be rolled with blessings and goodness.


17 thoughts on “MBSR (7)

  1. Hi Eliza, really great to read how well you’re doing, and incredibly brave to speak like that. The thing they stands out to me is your self compassion part; that’s of great interest to me personally as it links to some of my own stuff at the moment. Great to read your journey 🤗

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I love the steps you’re taking. And all those things you wish for yourself, I also wish for you:

    Safety. Self love. Self compassion. Self acceptance. Connection. Peace. Serenity. Okayness.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Wow, look at you, Eliza! Not just participating, but commenting. You do realize, don’t you, what you’re doing today would’ve been unthinkable to the Eliza of a year or so ago?

    A little at a time, here and there. It all adds up to progress. Stroll along the path.

    Glad to read I’m not he only one who freaks out after speaking. Just today, we had a video conference at work (some are back in the office, others still work from home). Anyway, after I said my piece, I felt like belting out a song at 120 decibels, such was the nervous energy that had accumulated.

    And this was after meeting with people whom I know well, some of whom have been friends for years. I only can imagine how you must have felt, interacting with those who are much less familiar. At least not yet.

    Oh, unrelated, but as you mentioned Rosh Hashanah, I think (hope) you’ll enjoy this weekend’s post, Eliza!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m happy for you that you are loving yourself well and your mindfulness practice is flowing and growing, and the knowledge that other things will automatically change.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. happy Rosh Hashanah in advance! i hope it’s fun…
    E, that sounds like a gigantic mix of things. i think that it’s really good that you could calm yourself faster. that means the course is working, no?
    the blanket of love and compassion sounds cool. eating also seems great. it’s wonderful that you’re eating.
    you wishlist sounds AWESOME! peace, okayness, self love… lit!!!
    oh, WOW. 1500 gratitudes seems quite a bit… 🥳🧁🙌🏽
    keep tuning in, keep grounding. i think that everything will turn out okay.
    you shine on, okay?
    ❤ ❤ ❤
    love always,

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I find self compassion difficult too, although I find it really easy to show compassion to others. I struggle with such self compassion exercises too. Kudos that you spoke up and clearly had an impact on others for them to reference you!

    Take what helps, discard what doesn’t. You can always circle back to retry stuff that previously was too difficult.


  7. Shana tova! I’m doing okay… surviving… it just feels like I’ve lost everything I used to look forward to, and that none of it is coming back soon, or ever. It makes it hard to get motivated to do anything.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My energy still goes up and down. But it is much better now than in the beginning of this year, not to speak about the years before. I am not sure where I will be next year, but I know that I will be able to figure things out and find a way. I wish you also strength and send love for your obstacles and struggles. Good to hear that you are also working things out and feeling better (at least for / with some things). ❤ *hugs*

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Great to hear that you spoke up, even just a little. It’s little by little that such things become second nature. For a long time I would barely speak two words to anyone, even those closest to me… Now I’m going so far as occasionally chatting with strangers on the street.

    Still tend to freak out later on wondering if I overstepped my boundaries or said something stupid though…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Well done for doing any practice, even just short ones, and for recognising when it was too much, and for speaking up in the call! I spoke on a work call the other day and I felt so hot for so long afterwards and couldn’t think at all, I was so panicked – it can be so difficult. But good on you 😀 And happy new year ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Happy Rosh Hashanah! sure sounds interesting…I like the sound of it
    this course does seem to be going wonderfully for you
    eating and the thought of exercising are epic – I ate nachos and cheese after a good 8 months yesterday, not that it matters.
    have a lit what’s left of the weekend!


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