I’ve nothing to say.

I wrote 2 more pages in my gratitude journal. Aiming for 2700 for when I’m 27. I’m weird. This is one of the things I journalled about today. I see myself to getting to 2700 gratitudes. I don’t know if there’s a point buying new things or getting the tooth work I need done, done, because who said I’ll be here?

4 years ago, I promised to give life a go for 6 weeks. Do I think I can do that again now? Promise to try for 6 weeks? It doesn’t help to live if I don’t do anything to change it. I don’t want to do anything though. I don’t care if I die. I don’t care if I don’t exist. I just. Don’t. Care. I can’t care.

Though I want to be here for M, L, C and N. They’re celebrating their joy with me. I wouldn’t want them to hurt. Also for S times 3. I’m tired.

If I promise myself to try – again – then I’m going to have to actually do something to change it around. I don’t have the energy to do that. But it’s not a choice. It’s either one or the other. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to make this choice again. It’s kinda ironic that it’s suicide prevention week or something like that this week.

So how can I change it around?

I need help. And support. And I wrote a list of what I need to stop using when I wanted to and was ready to stop and just couldn’t coz didn’t have that. People to be there. Someone wrote it up for me in 5 (or 6) words.

  • Support
  • Check ins
  • Journalling
  • Therapy
  • Meditation (she meant mindfulness).

If I’m going to try for 6 weeks it means I’ll have to do them all. I am journalling but nowhere near enough. I can get up early each day.

I am doing mindfulness practice every day and for the next 4 weeks still have the MBSR course, and hoping to repeat the course when it finishes. The person who runs it said she thinks it would be possible. I can’t say I’m perfect for I’m not. But I’m trying to do some practice every morning because if I don’t in the morning I won’t later on.

Therapy – SG said she may be able to help. But she didn’t give details. GP put both referrals through (I wanted to hear back from the HBTT for that would give the support and the check ins. They say you can get someone to cone out to you 3 times a day. Asides from anything else. But that’s irrelevant). I don’t know that I wand therapy per se. I just want people to be there…. so I texted some random person – AP – someone gave me the name of to see if we could speak. Will see what she says, if it’s relevant. MaBe said she’s free end of September. I want to speak to her and see what I think of her. Therapy as in typical talk therapy is a waste of time. I don’t do talking. I process through journaling. Will see.

That’s what I need to stop using. I don’t want to stop using. If I’m going to commit to life for 6 weeks it means trying to put into place what I need to stop. Trying to make it possible to live and be okay.

ACA RSG meetings start this Thursday too. No idea if they will/won’t be helpful. Could be awesome. Could be a complete spiral sender.

People/support. I don’t know how to do that.

And the best is the complete contradiction. For come tomorrow morning I’m teaching at 9.30. And the lesson will be okay. I’ll be present and really there for my student. There is no way I wouldn’t be. Then I need to speak to the SENCo and help her make a plan for that student – more like give her my feedback and thoughts. She values what I have to say too much for my liking. And about another girl who isn’t my student who we need to decide ASAP if she wants me involved with her in school (in which case I won’t be at home. My friends daughter spoke to me and I’ve a lot of thoughts. And being that they think way too much of my thoughts they’ll probably try act on some).

I’d feel guilty to let them down. Yet I also can’t care. I do, though. I care so much about everyone.

So tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of when I promised not to kill myself for 6 weeks. To someone who when the 6 weeks was over disappeared from my life. She is the reason I didn’t kill myself then. I’m not at all grateful to her for it would be so much easier if I weren’t here. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t mind dying.

And I’m kinda sad though I don’t feel sad, just nothing at all, that I’m here. As in back to this place. I haven’t felt this way in I don’t know how long. And if I ever did it was just fleeting.

Ending this here. Really, there is nothing to say.

42 thoughts on “Journaling 103 (9) TW”

  1. Hi. Saw you had started following my posts and thought I’d say thank you and..I hope you enjoy the journey. And thank you for the 💕 you left. Made me smile😎

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    1. I liked your premise of letters 🙂
      Not read the rest of your posts, but I read a few and really liked hearing your thoughts.
      Sending sunshine and sparkles

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    1. Enough would be that I’m journalling at least a few minutes every day. Honestly I could journal for 2 hours a day and it would be good for me. I’m not about to for it helps me face things, and I’m not really ready to, but if I journal at least a bit every day I’ll be keeping the door open. For now that would be enough and I’m going to aim for that.

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    1. Biggest problem is that at the moment I no longer want to climb out and walk down another street. Not saying I’m not going to. It’s just, I have to put in all that work when I don’t actually care at the moment.

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  4. “If I’m going to try for 6 weeks it means I’ll have to do them all.”

    Do you have to do them all right away? Maybe you could just do one or two first.

    Does it help to focus on how your friends and family would feel if you died?

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    1. I care for some of them. Which does make a difference, not enough of a difference.
      And yes, I’d I’m really trying for 6 weeks it means not that I have to do them all in a go but set something up so that life is a real option, else it’s not really trying.

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  5. Hi Eliza: Again, without knowing where you are, I have to assume you are in an English speaking country, and I can pretty safely assume that AA and NA exist in that country. Both organizations are only staffed by people who are suffering, or who have worked their way through to the other side of it and maintain themselves by helping others (It is called the twelfth step). Please look them up and ask for help and someone who has been there will come to you. Please do this, many of us do care about you. Love, Dr. Bob

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  6. How far are you in your gratitude journal??
    It’s nice that you’re really sticking with your mindfulness course.
    We’re all here for you and will always be here – it’s okay to feel sad – being sad makes your next happy moment all the more happy – if that makes any sense – we wouldn’t know happiness as well if we didn’t feel sadness.
    Remember the things that make you smile and get through every day!
    💙💙💙

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  8. You are doing it Eliza… one step at a time and you wrote the 5 steps down exactly. Just do them even when you don’t want to.
    Suicide month wil bring all of this up for deeper healing so remember that.
    My step dad always engrained in my kids the 5 P’s:
    Proper planning prevents poor performance.
    It’s not exactly what you’re dealing with but if you just show up and do the steps life will shift in time. It might help with your kids you are teaching..
    I hope that’s helpful.. ❤️ Cindy

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  10. I hear you. It is not easy. Can I ask something, you said you are not suicidal, just that you do not mind dying. Is there anything wrong with that? I do not mind dying either, now or tomorrow. Or is it about feeling uninspired to live? Anyway, six weeks for four years is an achievement, I think. That is a lot of dedication. You have done well.

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    1. Nothing wrong with not caring to die. May be more of an issue that I don’t care if what I’m doing destroys me. I’ll be glad if it does for then I don’t need to get to another side. If I’m committing to 6 weeks now, which I sorta am, then I have to really do whatever I can to get to a place of being okay living, a place where I can stop using.
      Sending sunshine and sparkles

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  11. What do you mean when you say you need support from people? To just listen? To give you a hug? To give advice?

    Have you thought of going into rehab?

    I’m glad to see Dr. Bob gave you some things to look into. I’m sure there are other hotlines etc.

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    1. All of the above.
      People to be there. To know what is going on. It would help if I could share but not necessary. I’ve a couple good friends, and I don’t share what I’m doing with them. They are a support… you and the people here are a support.
      Dunno. It’s not enough to be able to handle stopping …
      I’ve an appointment in about 3 weeks with the CMHT here. Want to see if it can be earlier, and can see what they offer. I don’t know…

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      1. I’m glad to hear I play a good part in this. I’m usually pretty crap at intangible support.

        I just know of people who have people support and yet they fail. It’s not an easy situation to climb out of.

        As always – stay golden!

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        1. You do. Because you care. Because you’re here.
          People support ain’t enough. Or not just virtual. It has to come from within. But there also has to be enough outside to hold onto to make it possible. Dunno.

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  12. Of course, Eliza, you do care – you’ve said so yourself. You care about those you’re helping, and that you continue being here for them.

    Maybe not the full package (yet), but it’s a good start.

    You obviously care about what we think, something for which we’re grateful, and you post your observations frequently. Yet another thing you’ve accomplished.

    We, the world, benefit from your presence and we want it to continue. I understand – you’re tired and numb right now. Let those surrounding you return some of the sunshine you’ve bestowed. I think we can energize you, You’ve earned that much at least, Eliza.

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      1. From witnessing the progress you continue to make. Yes, even now.

        From reading of your appreciation, and of your consideration. Yes, Eliza, I believe in what I do because it helps a friend, but your affirmation makes me feel good too.

        From your faithful and thoughtful comments/questions on my blog. Yes, there are more readers now, but I’ll never forget those like you who were there for me when few others were.

        From the sunshine and sparkle you continue to share every week, with your uplifting stories and your funny memes.

        From being honest, recognizing not just the challenges, but also the things that make you think and which give you hope, and even make you smile, if for just a moment.

        Starting to get the idea, Eliza?

        These are just what comes to mind in the minute or two immediately after I read your question. More’s in that noggin of mine, I just know it!

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        1. Yeah, you bring me to tears. A good kinda tears. I don’t know how you see any good, but thank you. Nature makes me smile. It means a lot that you’re here. How can I not appreciate it?
          Hope your weekend is peaceful…

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          1. Thank you, Eliza.

            Like Nature, better not to explain my esteem – just know that it is.

            Nature’s benefits are manifest; you need only observe. Likewise the same can be (and, indeed, is) said of you.

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  14. It seems like our motivation ebbs and flows. I think that’s natural. Sometimes we want to change, and sometimes we want to rest, or ride the waves. But you are continuing to take steps toward change. Baby steps are okay. And it’s okay to rest a bit. Whenever and if ever you want to think about it, I’m curious what made you want to quit using a while back. Maybe the part of you that wants things to be better is always there, but you don’t always feel it. But still, you are helping others and caring about people. And people care about you. Hugs and prayers coming your way!

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      1. I thought I remembered it had something to do with being away from home. Maybe there are clues that can help bring elements of that motivation into your life at home. Wishing you moments of peace and joy! ❤

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  15. Eliza, your writing is real and raw with emotion. There is beauty and authenticity in that. I am glad you have found journaling to be beneficial. I wish I could change your circumstances but I don’t have a magic wand. What I can offer comes from a recovering broken heart. A heart that is tender in regards to depression, suicide, and grief.

    This line really struck me, “I want to be here for M, L, C and N. They’re celebrating their joy with me. I wouldn’t want them to hurt. Also for S times 3.” ***PLEASE STAY FOR THEM!***

    As the traumatized survivor of a son who completed suicide and then my husband six years later, I can testify that the pain and agony is horrendous.

    I applaud you for committing to six weeks that lasted four years – a great achievement. You have some worthwhile goals on your list, if they seem overwhelming or too daunting, break them down into smaller goals/steps, and celebrate the small wins/accomplishments.

    I love your gratitude journal idea. Gratitude is one of the tools that helps me get through on hard days. I don’t think there is anything weird about the goal of 2700 for when you are 27 – it is magnificent. What a legacy and impressive record, whether privately kept for yourself or publicly shared. Either way can have a powerful impact.

    Please talk to someone if you are desperate. USA: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255. Other countries: International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) website http://www.iasp.info

    Praying for you and your loved ones.

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    1. Thanks for reading and taking the time to reply. I’m touched.
      They aren’t family those I mentioned but yes I care for them. I wouldn’t care dying on most my family so long as they don’t think it’s suicide.
      Sending hugs and strength

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