Mindfulness attitudes – Beginner’s Mind or Curiosity, Patience, Non-judging, Non-striving, Kindness and Compassion towards ourselves and others, Trust, Acceptance or Allowing, Letting Go 

Today was a mixture.

At the beginning we were told that one of the participants of the group wouldn’t be coming back. I found that jarring and we weren’t given time to process that. Yes I know most people don’t need time. I found it jarring because, because she had said last week that as soon as she was present she was sad. I could relate to that. It’s not what this course is giving to me. I’m not overwhelmed by emotions being mindful. Being mindful, for me, means what I said in my last post – grounded and present. So although what she shared isn’t my reality, it could be. I’m destroying myself. She wasn’t. I’ve been destroying myself long before this course and if anything being mindful will stop it – it won’t, it’s not about that for me – but yeah. I found it jarring. And sad. That was the first sentence.

We then started off with a mindfulness of body and breath which I actually focused on quite a bit. Then we went into breakout rooms to discuss the last weeks experience with practice. Last week the breakout room was 3 of us. This week was 4, which was too much for me. No space to be. Or speak. Afterwards everyone shared their thoughts with the group. I didn’t. I had what to say. My thoughts were/are pretty much all I’ve written. That I’ve been tuning into my body awareness in space and time a lot. Being very physically aware of myself. Tuning into breathing. And mainly just where exactly I am. That includes the sounds around me – which they for some reason have never yet brought up. Not always. Not at all always. But more. More and more. Even if it’s just twice a day that is awesome.

I’ve been less distracted during the body scans. Well, sometimes. I think that doing the practices no matter how distracted I am throughout is practicing focusing. And being aware. Being aware if how distracted I am is great, too. And once I tried doing the body and breath twice in a row. What I had found was that it took until the end until I finally focused a bit. So I relistened, and was a lot more focused the second time around.

That took until ten past. I’m trying to remember what was next. I can’t actually remember.

We then did mindfulness movement which made me feel like I was going to sleep. I discovered that very minor movements actually hurt me. Was interesting to see. Especially because the same movement – lifting my arm to shoulder height – sometimes hurt and sometimes didn’t. I could lift my left arm higher than my right. I was trying to experiment with slightly different movements. Sometimes it hurt other times not, I couldn’t figure out what caused it to hurt though… I was trying to see what I was doing differently but couldn’t see. I wonder if ED has a part to play in how the movements hurt. I think just exacerbated for I’ve always been extremely sensitive. What I also found interesting was when we were bringing our index fingers together with our eyes closed. I missed. I was shocked I missed! Definitely didn’t expect that… it was putting me to sleep.

I thought of sharing my experience but the facilitators asked the people who shared about what they were saying. I wouldn’t handle the questions. So didn’t.

They were then talking about how feel the edge of the comfort zone, you can do that physically and emotionally. Stay with the edge or retreat intentionally. For me staying with the edge emotionally mostly means it won’t exist, but if I’d do it sometimes it does. Sometimes I can stay with that edge.

Had a break then.

After the break spoke about non striving. I don’t really agree. They were saying to accept your reality. But I think the point is that we weren’t really disagreeing. Just they were being a little extreme. Because sometimes you have to strive. And that’s not a contradiction to accepting where you’re at. For example in order for me to live the life I want to I have to accept where I’m at and I have to strive. If I don’t accept where I’m at I’m living in denial. If I don’t strive I’ll end up dead.

Then they showed an image of what not accepting and accepting and put a bridge and asked us how we’d bridge it. How do we get from the negative and judgement from where we are to the mindfulness and non judgement. For the first time I tried to share. Because it would just be giving a word. I said curiosity. I wasn’t heard. I tried again to say acceptance after a couple other suggestions but again wasn’t heard. And then they went and said you bridge it with curiosity. And I freaked out. And I stayed with the freaking out.

The last few minutes was a short breathing space practice – I wasn’t able to focus at all on it as was freaking out. What it is: sit in whatever position. Be aware of your body in the position you’re in. Focus on your breathing in your stomach. Maybe count breaths a few times to help focus. Focus on breathing in your body. Time into your body. Tune into the world.

Was still freaking. They gave the homework. And I journalled a tad. Wrote a really short letter to myself that you matter. And wrote that out to myself – you matter/exist/are important.

And that was today’s. 3 out of 8.

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19 thoughts on “MBSR (4) – Todays zoom class 3/8

  1. all of that sounds good, E. it’s great that you’ve been posting so much recently. i love reading about what you do!
    yeah, you’ve gotta strive. no pain, no gain, remember?
    hmm… it annoys me beyond measure when i get spoken over. i hope you feel better about that…
    hey, it’s awesome that you’re less distracted during the body scans!!! yay!
    i know i say this alot, but i’m proud.
    love always,
    [gotw}

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Huh. That’s a really great observation, about striving.

    My brother often tells me that I should talk louder. But I believe that speaking quietly shows who’s listening.
    That said, I probably would’ve glared daggers at those facilitators.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was on zoom….. so it’s not like they could even see. The guy and then others were talking at the same time.
      Don’t get me wrong, I’m upset about it. They’re just not entirely to blame.
      I’m also annoyed because last week the main facilitator emailed and asked if there was anything I wanted to discuss. I replied with an email, and wrote that I’ve no questions but would definitely be happy to be in touch. She didn’t respond…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I still would have glared. 😈
        I’m kidding… Mostly. It’s good to realize that there are other factors to consider.
        Could be that she wasn’t sure how to respond — some people are more comfortable with specific points, questions and answers, that kind of thing. Or she thought you meant you’d be in touch more at a later point? Doubtless still annoying though.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. She could have not realised I was saying I wanted to speak to her because I said I didn’t have any specific comments. Yup annoying.
          I didn’t realise how much social anxiety I had! I’m guessing this is called social anxiety.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. I talk quietly. And it’s zoom. I mean, I’m told I talk quietly – never spoken on there to hear it from them. So if others are talking louder they obviously will be heard more. Maybe.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. To me, that sounds like a failure on the part of the organizer. I’d mute everyone and then mute people one by one, giving everyone the chance to talk. Did you try the “raise hand” feature? But I understand you might not want to put in that much effort into it. I don’t know, but I think whoever organizes it should make it less of a shouting match and more of an organized session.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It depends what when they do what. They don’t do muting intentionally so that everyone should be comfortable to just share and ask and call in whenever…

          Liked by 1 person

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