I dialogue journalled last night for at least a couple hours. There’s both what I need in order to stop, and what I need or needs to change so that I don’t need the destruction.

In order to stop I just need support. What that would look like is people checking in with me. Believing in me. Telling me they believe in me. I don’t mean that they need to be updated on what/why. E would do that for me. She’d email me a short couple lines every so often.. As long as she doesn’t feel responsible or see it as a burden knowing it’s okay if she doesn’t, that would be okay. I just need people to be there. E would be. I can and have asked her in the past. I don’t know who else would.

And people who’ll stay in the loop. People who’ll be happy to be in touch however often works for them. Be there in whatever way works for them… just people. I need people in my life.

Support also looks like therapy. Not to process or change anything. Just someone to be there. Who I can share all I write with. Who I can drive crazy. In the way it was with my ex therapist AH. I’d email/whatsapp him a lot. That’s really where most our communication took place.

To be able to live life without using I need to be able to handle living life. How?

Mindfulness, being present, helps lots. And lots. Which is why I’m so grateful for the MBSR course I’m doing.

ACA may help – they’re doing a 6 week introduction starting in a few weeks. It’s a 12 step programme. I just don’t have the energy to look for people who have been in ACA for over a year who are living recovery. I did try to look but can’t at the moment. I do think it’ll help some though.

Journalling. That’s actually the biggest thing. Writing helps me process my world. I’ve always been told that my writing is the best therapy. AH used to tell me that a lot upon reading what I wrote. A couple other therapists I’ve been in touch with in the past said the same. I don’t process my world through talking to others. Which is why I’ve never wanted and would never use therapy to talk or process through talking. That’s what journaling is for.

Some way of learning skills. Either with a therapist (ideally) or through workbooks. Just needs to be with someone for I won’t actually do it on my own. Skills isn’t the right word. Primarily on learning to identify, recognise, and handle emotions and feelings. At the moment I believe I’m lying whenever I say I think or feel anything. Because it doesn’t stay or isn’t true a moment later. Sometimes I do stay with what I feel. Most times I don’t. Most times as soon as I engage with whatever it is, it just isn’t there. So mindfulness helps with being present. But more than that, I need to learn what/how etc. I want to experience emotions in my body and then be able to handle them. I thought I was learning to do that. Maybe I even was. Then I decided to try destroy my life (yeah, I blame myself for the destruction). I want to stop zoning out or freaking out. Whenever I try engage with myself I either zone out or freak out – cut off or it’s beyond too much.

I’m pretty certain I live with anxiety. But if that ever comes up I’ll deal with that then. I’ll only know if I do or don’t when I live with my feelings experientially. I think I do because that’s the only physical sensation I experience – not breathing or shaking

There are 2 main things that aren’t conducive to getting to a place of okayness.

1. Living at home. Mainly refererring to my mother and special needs sister. My other sister who lives at home I’m so grateful for. Yesterday I was dialogue journalling, making a plan for what I need and how to get there etc. Because I want to stop using. I came home in middle of journalling (I was away). When I picked up journalling my response was; I don’t know if I’m ready to stop. Why? Because I need it when I’m home. Using gives me a grip and handle on my world. Not eating does too. And when I’m home I need that grip so much more. My sn sister talks pretty literally all the time. I can’t not listen to someone talking to me. She needs attention all the time. She, and my mother, just use so much energy that I don’t have spare. It’s not healthy for me to live in my room. Being with them isn’t healthy either…

Living at home I don’t have the freedom to be myself. I can’t be myself. I can’t explore or learn who I am, would be, or want to be. That’s not as much of an issue as above. It’s something I’ll have to deal with some day. Whenever I leave the culture I’m living in I’ll destroy my father. My father is a really good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Again that’s not for now. There’s also a lot of pressure and constant negative feedback at home.

The other big thing is work. Work is good because it gives structure. I can give myself that structure through volunteering. It’s not good because I don’t have the headspace. I’m using all my energy to just hold onto the world. To just stay okay. To try make the right choices – and constantly feel as though I’m failing. For I’m still using and I’m destroying myself. As long as I’m destroying myself I can’t really be trying. Or I’m not trying hard enough.

I teach. If I’m not giving my students my all I’m failing them. Also, I don’t teach the easy students. I teach those who need the help and support. I teach those who need 110%. I’m finding it really hard to focus on anything at all for long. I get distracted really easily. I’m not finding it easy to concentrate. I’m not really sleeping. I don’t know. Not really a point thinking about it. For I’m going to try… try give it my all and see. I am working less hours and not doing the part of my job I did last year that I hated. I’m going to be earning very little. Definitely not earning enough as it is. I’m still paying off a course that I haven’t done. Education that I really want but have no headspace for.

So in a few lines what does this leave me with?

In order to stop I really need to have more people as a support in my life. For various reasons most my friends aren’t an option. They’re friends and I’m grateful for them. Some of them are definitely a reason I don’t want to kill myself. They’ll want me there. E will be via email. Another E who I don’t know well would be also, just dunno what to ask her for. Support as in people not only friends. If my GP puts the referral through to the HBTT (home based treatment team) it would give me the pretty much 24/7 help I’d need to handle stopping. If not, I don’t know.

Learning – mindfulness I’m doing. Hopefully will do ACA. And I don’t know. I don’t know how to learn the rest… if the NHS will offer any of it. If they don’t could ask someone I’m thinking of privately, just not relevant as long as there’s any risk factors in my life. Which as long as I’m using there are. (Food or any other self harm isn’t a risk factor in that way).

Living at home isn’t good for me but I don’t have another option at the moment. Working isn’t good for me but unless I have some way of getting money it also isn’t an option to just stop working.

Random sorta unrelated positive comment. I’m thinking of buying myself a new expensive phone. Been pushing if off in a large part because it’s a waste of time to buy it if I may not be around to enjoy it. But I will be. Or as I said to TC, I think I’ll get to 2700 gratitudes when I’m 27 (I’m writing out gratitudes, aiming for 2700 different ones for when I turn 27), and it’s kinda amazing in a neutral way that I actually envision myself turning 27.

59 thoughts on “Journaling 103 (6) What do I need in order for it to change?”

  2. Can I say I’ll be there for you as much as is humanly possible for me to be? I’m so pleased to read this post and so much want you to be okay ♥️

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    1. You can say what you want, doesn’t mean I’ll believe it. I don’t mean that to be insulting, and if it is, I’m sorry. Just, my reality. As I say when I’ve dialogue journalled. Say what you want. Or back. That I’m owning my reality. Even if both realities are different (and both can be true).
      Whatever. Taking too long to try explain nothing.

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      1. Of course you don’t believe it. That’s natural if you’ve been let down by people in your life. And of course, me saying ‘as much as is humanly possible’ suggests there may be times that it’s NOT possible for me to be there…. which could feel like a huge let-down if you look for it 100%. Sometimes life doesn’t allow for 100%, and that’s why I wanted to keep it honest and true, and realistic. But the proof of the pudding is in the eating, as the saying goes!

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    1. Thanks!
      Which was it? I haven’t yet read your blog… hope to one day (if I ever have the headspace. Do you think I ever will?)
      Love light and glitter

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      1. I was actually referring to an old post from a LiveJournal that I had many years ago 🙂

        But blogging for a year after my father’s death really helped me through the experience in so many different (and sometimes unexpected) ways. Those posts are all available at my blog.

        My point wasn’t that you should read my blog – only that I can deeply relate to what you expressed here about writing.

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  7. I also process the world by writing.

    In terms of support, does it need to be from someone you know in person? I would be happy to email to the email address associated with the blog every day to check in with you. If you don’t want me to, that’s fine too.

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    1. I’m touched.
      Sure. I would appreciate it. If you don’t expect a reply ever. Because I’m finding it hard to reply to people’s emails and if there is the pressure then there is also the guilt that I didn’t, and… yeah…

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  8. I don’t know if you’ve ever thought of humor as therapy. I do know (and appreciate) that you follow my blog (which is mostly humor) and often leave a comment and/or a “Like.” If there’s any particular type of humor that especially appeals to you, please let me know and I’ll see if I can come up with a post or posts that give(s) you a lift — or at least, a rise. 😉

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    1. 💕💕💕
      Humour is definitely good. Thanks for your offer. I’m touched….
      I think quotes do or very short things because at the moment I have so little headspace and don’t watch anything and skip most long posts.

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      1. Humorous quotes are a specialty of mine because they’re usually funnier than my own writing. One “humorous quotes” post coming up (but I have a funny feeling it’ll be a while because I’m not ready to ‘put down’ my present post yet).

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  9. K. is here for you too, Eliza.

    Don’t know if you should believe me? Good for you. We never have met in person, after all.

    Looks like I’m going to have to earn your comfort by proving my friendship. Easily done. Let’s talk in a couple years to see how much progress we’ve made since today.

    We have until 26 August, 2022 to get there, okay?

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    1. At least you believe I’ll be here then… (don’t get me wrong. I’m planning to be. Doesn’t mean I don’t really wonder if I will be though).
      You’ve shown me that you are. Here. I can’t say I believe it. That depends on the moment…
      Love, light and glitter

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  11. keep writing. it’s great that you are!
    what an amazing idea… the gratitude, i mean. gratitude journalling is often used for people with extreme anger issues.
    oh, nice. it’s good that you’re thinking about a phone!
    hmm… maybe spend time out of the house as much as possible? crash at a friend’s place, stay in the park, roam the roads… sometimes, the house i live in gets too tiny. too many people in a teensy weensy space. their voices seem to echo off the walls and bounce around my ears and drive me crazy on the whole… so i just leave for a few hours. i walk on the sidewalks, i sit by the sea, i roam around the park. it really helps.
    i’m proud, E. i’m real proud.
    love always,
    [gotw}

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  12. Well done on acknowledging your hardships and reflecting with a level-head. Some people just stop at “Oh woe” but you did not, and even if it does not feel like it, you are acting in an empowered way. I respect you for accepting the things you cannot change and wish that you find the support that you need. It is unfortunate how homes can be tough to live in at times. Is it possible to stay outside as much as possible? Maybe it will give you space inside and outside of your head. Really wishing you well.

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    1. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond ….
      It definitely doesn’t feel that way! I’d love to move out but don’t have the finances at the moment.
      Love, light and glitter

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      1. Yes, I mean, just spend time outdoors as much as you can to save yourself from the claustrophobia inside your house. Anyway, just keep hanging in there, because what is the alternative, right?

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  13. we’re all here for you! we believe in you…
    a new phone sounds fun
    I well reciprocate GOTW in terms of leaving the house – we’re 4 people all crammed into a tiny room (because we started construction before and then corona came along) and it does get a bit much at times. I stay opposite the sea so it’s fun to go running there and it’s especially epic when it rains!

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  14. You want to know what is really weird? I just responded to your comment on my post a few minutes ago, saying that we should never undertake these difficult journeys alone – and then I pop on here and read your post, and that’s exactly what you’re saying you need – someone to be there, to help you. So you’re right on the mark there 😉

    I read this post – your need to write (and please don’t ever stop) and journal to sort through the stuff in your head; your living situation and your work; your need for someone to stay in touch to support you and almost be there so that you are accountable etc. – and I will say this to you :

    I BELIEVE IN YOU! My goodness, Eliza! YOU HAVE GOT THIS! You are not only brave, but you are doing all the right things and putting in all the effort. You need NOT doubt yourself at all. You are definitely braver than you believe and stronger than you think!
    You’re not failing – because you keep trying! Don’t give up! You’ve got this!
    Sending lots of love your way… and splashes of glitter and sunshine!
    You are amazing!

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    1. Thanks… I always appreciate glitter and sparkles. Funny thing is I actually like it in real life too now which I never used to.
      I definitely feel like I’m failing, because I’m still messing up. But will see what happens…
      Love, light, and glitter

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      1. You keep messing up? But do you keep trying? Because you need to remember, if we keep trying (even if we fail) we are still way ahead of those who don’t even bother to try at all!
        You’re okay… and you’re going to be okay.
        Just keep trying!
        Love, light and glitter – in abundance – for you, sweet lady ❤

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  15. YAY, you have a path to recovery!

    Support,
    Check ins
    Journaling
    Therapy
    meditation
    Set up some alone time away from your mom and sister
    Work keeps purpose
    A new phone

    Did I miss anything?
    Keep it up!!!!

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    1. Yeah. If I can set it all up. You summed it up way better than I did… thanks!!!

      I wish I could scrap work and volunteer instead but, will see

      💕🕯✨

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      1. Rememeber if you can dream it, you can acheive it!
        NOT BETTER AT ALL!!!
        I Just wanted you to have a quick easy reference to post everyday.. ( I do this with clients).
        If you can afford not to work that is great too.
        ❤️🤗

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        1. I like it 🙂 the summation.
          I can’t afford not to work. I’ve cut down hours this year for sanities sake and it’s already short on money the past year. But that’s okay. As in, just is…

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            1. I teach. I love my job and actually stopped the part I hated for the coming year – means I’m only officially working 3 hours a day 4 days a week (instead of 5plus) and will be earning very very little. I love watching them learn. I work one on one in the morning in high school. And reading groups in year 1. I’m just nervous since I don’t have the headspace to give them my all. Will see what happens…

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              1. Oh that’s so awesome!!!
                Good you have consolidated!
                So glad to hear that!!!
                It is such a gift to watch them learn for sure!!
                All you can do is try your best!
                Thanks for teaching!!!!🙌👏❤️

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  16. I’ve been thinking about restarting journalling lately. I think I might be at a place where it could be useful. Living at home… yea, I can totally see why this is a problem. I left after uni and was asked to move back in multiple times. It wouldn’t have worked. I believe that not moving back in saved me.

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    1. Do!!! Restart journalling I mean.
      I need to do more than just move out, for I don’t plan on staying with the culture I live in, but that’s not for now. Maybe the universe will just send it all to me…
      I’m glad you kept your ground…
      💕🕯✨

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      1. I totally understand. Moving out is the first step but then there are more to follow. You keep what you want, leave what you don’t and then adopt new things.

        Yes. Fingers crossed it will somehow happen sooner than later.

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  17. The environment we live in has really a huge impact on how we feel in general.
    And your environment, as well as my own, are not healthy.
    But as you mentioned, people who support actually are some kind of therapy.

    People who believe in you make you feel better and in general people supporting us.
    Therapy or a healing process should actually be less about doing a lot and more about just realizing what you need to feel good. And people who support us (if they really do so) give us some kind of safety and good feeling. Even if it is just for a short time. The main problem with the environment often has to do with other people (your family and family; or in my case my father and some other people).

    If someone really loves you and cares for you, at some point they will understand you and let you go or maybe even support you. But some people maybe never understand or want to let go of the image they have of someone. So in your case it could maybe hurt some people, when you open up, but compared with your own feelings and pain, it shouldn’t be worse for them. Love goes beyond culture and these kind of things. At least if someone really loves you. But of course it is always easier said than done…

    Some months ago I had some kind of vision, a daydream of some sort, in which I developed an app based all around support for people like us. Sadly I wasn’t really able to work on it and maybe can’t do it. But it was less about “just” an app and more about a concept on how to help people like us in general. I don’t know what the next months will bring and whether my minds goes off into the clouds even farther or not.

    People who support you (without payment), just because they love you or simply want to really help you, this is what we need. Usually people with similar experiences and situations can help each other because they understand way better what is going on. Like support groups, where people with problems of different kinds talk to each other for example. Not everywhere are such support groups or is even the possibility for them. This is where I thought could some kind of connection come in handy. A platform to find people and also without the need to interact, where people could first just observe and maybe learn from others. Like here with the blogs for example. But not everyone reads blogs or wants to / can write. So I thought of something to somehow get all these kind of things together, but I also can’t do such a project alone. From my knowledge or abilities it would be not much of a problem, but without support I also can’t really do much. Things just feel pointless, complicated and painful, when there is no one supporting what I do.

    (This is just me sharing some thoughts, I thought, maybe you could be interested in this. If not, then you can just ignore it, as always when it comes to my walls of text. We will find ways to get out of the mess we live with and in, this is what I have to hope for. And almost each time I write something it ends up very long… sometimes even longer than the post :/ As long as it helps someone in some way, I guess…)

    💓💕

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      1. Your posts and answers also support me (and from other people as well). Without some (positive) response from others, I wouldn’t have come this far. ❤

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