I dialogue journalled last night for at least a couple hours. There’s both what I need in order to stop, and what I need or needs to change so that I don’t need the destruction.
In order to stop I just need support. What that would look like is people checking in with me. Believing in me. Telling me they believe in me. I don’t mean that they need to be updated on what/why. E would do that for me. She’d email me a short couple lines every so often.. As long as she doesn’t feel responsible or see it as a burden knowing it’s okay if she doesn’t, that would be okay. I just need people to be there. E would be. I can and have asked her in the past. I don’t know who else would.
And people who’ll stay in the loop. People who’ll be happy to be in touch however often works for them. Be there in whatever way works for them… just people. I need people in my life.
Support also looks like therapy. Not to process or change anything. Just someone to be there. Who I can share all I write with. Who I can drive crazy. In the way it was with my ex therapist AH. I’d email/whatsapp him a lot. That’s really where most our communication took place.
To be able to live life without using I need to be able to handle living life. How?
Mindfulness, being present, helps lots. And lots. Which is why I’m so grateful for the MBSR course I’m doing.
ACA may help – they’re doing a 6 week introduction starting in a few weeks. It’s a 12 step programme. I just don’t have the energy to look for people who have been in ACA for over a year who are living recovery. I did try to look but can’t at the moment. I do think it’ll help some though.
Journalling. That’s actually the biggest thing. Writing helps me process my world. I’ve always been told that my writing is the best therapy. AH used to tell me that a lot upon reading what I wrote. A couple other therapists I’ve been in touch with in the past said the same. I don’t process my world through talking to others. Which is why I’ve never wanted and would never use therapy to talk or process through talking. That’s what journaling is for.
Some way of learning skills. Either with a therapist (ideally) or through workbooks. Just needs to be with someone for I won’t actually do it on my own. Skills isn’t the right word. Primarily on learning to identify, recognise, and handle emotions and feelings. At the moment I believe I’m lying whenever I say I think or feel anything. Because it doesn’t stay or isn’t true a moment later. Sometimes I do stay with what I feel. Most times I don’t. Most times as soon as I engage with whatever it is, it just isn’t there. So mindfulness helps with being present. But more than that, I need to learn what/how etc. I want to experience emotions in my body and then be able to handle them. I thought I was learning to do that. Maybe I even was. Then I decided to try destroy my life (yeah, I blame myself for the destruction). I want to stop zoning out or freaking out. Whenever I try engage with myself I either zone out or freak out – cut off or it’s beyond too much.
I’m pretty certain I live with anxiety. But if that ever comes up I’ll deal with that then. I’ll only know if I do or don’t when I live with my feelings experientially. I think I do because that’s the only physical sensation I experience – not breathing or shaking
There are 2 main things that aren’t conducive to getting to a place of okayness.
1. Living at home. Mainly refererring to my mother and special needs sister. My other sister who lives at home I’m so grateful for. Yesterday I was dialogue journalling, making a plan for what I need and how to get there etc. Because I want to stop using. I came home in middle of journalling (I was away). When I picked up journalling my response was; I don’t know if I’m ready to stop. Why? Because I need it when I’m home. Using gives me a grip and handle on my world. Not eating does too. And when I’m home I need that grip so much more. My sn sister talks pretty literally all the time. I can’t not listen to someone talking to me. She needs attention all the time. She, and my mother, just use so much energy that I don’t have spare. It’s not healthy for me to live in my room. Being with them isn’t healthy either…
Living at home I don’t have the freedom to be myself. I can’t be myself. I can’t explore or learn who I am, would be, or want to be. That’s not as much of an issue as above. It’s something I’ll have to deal with some day. Whenever I leave the culture I’m living in I’ll destroy my father. My father is a really good person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Again that’s not for now. There’s also a lot of pressure and constant negative feedback at home.
The other big thing is work. Work is good because it gives structure. I can give myself that structure through volunteering. It’s not good because I don’t have the headspace. I’m using all my energy to just hold onto the world. To just stay okay. To try make the right choices – and constantly feel as though I’m failing. For I’m still using and I’m destroying myself. As long as I’m destroying myself I can’t really be trying. Or I’m not trying hard enough.
I teach. If I’m not giving my students my all I’m failing them. Also, I don’t teach the easy students. I teach those who need the help and support. I teach those who need 110%. I’m finding it really hard to focus on anything at all for long. I get distracted really easily. I’m not finding it easy to concentrate. I’m not really sleeping. I don’t know. Not really a point thinking about it. For I’m going to try… try give it my all and see. I am working less hours and not doing the part of my job I did last year that I hated. I’m going to be earning very little. Definitely not earning enough as it is. I’m still paying off a course that I haven’t done. Education that I really want but have no headspace for.
So in a few lines what does this leave me with?
In order to stop I really need to have more people as a support in my life. For various reasons most my friends aren’t an option. They’re friends and I’m grateful for them. Some of them are definitely a reason I don’t want to kill myself. They’ll want me there. E will be via email. Another E who I don’t know well would be also, just dunno what to ask her for. Support as in people not only friends. If my GP puts the referral through to the HBTT (home based treatment team) it would give me the pretty much 24/7 help I’d need to handle stopping. If not, I don’t know.
Learning – mindfulness I’m doing. Hopefully will do ACA. And I don’t know. I don’t know how to learn the rest… if the NHS will offer any of it. If they don’t could ask someone I’m thinking of privately, just not relevant as long as there’s any risk factors in my life. Which as long as I’m using there are. (Food or any other self harm isn’t a risk factor in that way).
Living at home isn’t good for me but I don’t have another option at the moment. Working isn’t good for me but unless I have some way of getting money it also isn’t an option to just stop working.
Random sorta unrelated positive comment. I’m thinking of buying myself a new expensive phone. Been pushing if off in a large part because it’s a waste of time to buy it if I may not be around to enjoy it. But I will be. Or as I said to TC, I think I’ll get to 2700 gratitudes when I’m 27 (I’m writing out gratitudes, aiming for 2700 different ones for when I turn 27), and it’s kinda amazing in a neutral way that I actually envision myself turning 27.